Agnostic/Atheist parents - religious family members talking to LO about god?

[AngelofTroy]

I really hope this doesn't cause any offense. I'm all for people having their own beliefs, I just personally don't follow any religion myself.

My MIL however, is Catholic, and a regular church goer. She knows I don't believe, and has never pushed her religion on me, but she's started saying stuff to OH about how he should be 'leading me and Micah to Jesus' and talks about God and Jesus and angels to her grandchildren as though they are 100% fact. I know it's her belief, but I feel it's confusing to a toddler. I've tried to use open language with Micah like 'some people believe', but as he gets older I think he's going to be confused by what she says.

Sadly she seems to have a lot of fear, she's scared that something will happen to us because we aren't christened. I really don't want Micah to pick up on that. I've seen religion bring people a lot of comfort, but with my MIL it only seems to stress her out!

Has anyone got any advice? I don't want to offend her or worry her, but I'm not comfortable baptising Micah into a religion before he's old enough to make a choice himself. And I don't want him being told religious beliefs as fact before he's old enough to question things.

Anyone?

 

[MrsPear]

I would not be happy with that. Oh has a very religious family, there are very involved with the church, his dad is a hospital pastor and uncle is a vicar (not sure if that is correct term) and his brother runs a home church group or did in the past anyway. OH even grew up abroad as his parents were missionaries. OH and me are not religious at all. I am totally comfortable that one day Joni might be religious because she is going to have a lot of influences of it (in fact I would like them to show her their 'culture's when she is old enough because it's a big part of her family and background and I think it's important for her to know about), but them talking to me or her like it's all absolute fact and like shes going to come to harm because she isn't brought up religious would make me so mad!

Personally I would find it so hard to say something although I think that would be the best thing. Alternatively when she says something like getting christened maybe you could be upfront and say it is not what you want (so she's absolutely clear) but that when Micah is older if he shows an interest you would be happy for her to teach him what she believes? With the emphasis on it being what she believes not necessarily what Micah has to believe. Basically if it was me I am a total wall flower so I would just not say anything and hope for the best... But that's not what I think is ideal to do at all!

 

[emyandpotato]

Sadly for her, as a Catholic she likely believes he's set for purgatory if he isn't baptised, so it's a huge worry. Perhaps for her piece of mind she could take him with her to church once and quietly get him baptised? You guys don't even have to be there but for her he'll be all free of sin and all will be well.

As for the mixed beliefs, I don't think it does any harm for children to be exposed to lots of different views. He most likely will take your opinion as fact anyway. I grew up in a multi-religious area and my first best friend and most of my school class was Muslim, and I had Catholic grandparents on one side and my grandpa on the other side was a vicar so, yeah... But I always found my parents to be the most influential and have been an atheist my entire life. And it's actually kind of helpful to have understood other beliefs too. I wouldn't worry too much about it, just so long as you explain everything that you believe to him and much sure he doesn't get afraid of the idea of hell or anything like that.

 

[JenX]

No answers here, but great question. I am dreading the day when this comes up for us, with parents on my side or my husband's. We're agnostic and want LO to make her own decision one day, but our families on both sides are religious and don't know we have gradually leaned toward agnosticism over the years. They don't live close by and we don't see them very often. I imagine it will come up at some point, though.

 

[staralfur]

I wouldn't think he's really understanding it at that age? I know my LO wouldn't be able to grasp that concept at 2. I think don't worry about it until he's old enough to explain to him that that's what his grandma believes, but that you don't, and he doesn't have to.

 

[JASMAK]

Yes, this is likely very stressful as Catholics believe that she must be baptized etc. However, this is your child. I think a conversation needs too happen. That being said. ..I would worry about telling Micah something against what she may already believe, kwim?

 

[AnneD]

I'd be really really unhappy about that, and I think you need to let her know. No offence to anyone who believes, but I'd hate my child to be brainwashed into any kind of religious belief against my will. I also think it's incredibly disrespectful to your position in life/beliefs.

Sadly for her, as a Catholic she likely believes he's set for purgatory if he isn't baptised, so it's a huge worry. Perhaps for her piece of mind she could take him with her to church once and quietly get him baptised? You guys don't even have to be there but for her he'll be all free of sin

Don't know about anyone else, but I'd go absolutely apeshit if my MIL (or anyone else) tried to pull that stunt, and she would rue the day, I tell you. I don't mind religion and people believing and going to church, but they have no right to be forcing their beliefs on others or scaring innocent children with hell and damnation. Her peace of mind is not the important thing here.

 

[charlie15]

I am atheist and my OH is catholic. I was also bought up by a catholic mum and non believing father.

Personally I think they are too young now to understand anything about beliefs and faith, I think it's not until children are a fair bit older that they would even remotely grasp the concept of beliefs in something that is not an object if that makes sense?

For us as it is parental difference our dd is baptised as this was important to my OH. To me I feel that S will eventually see two perspectives on religion and I think this is healthy and I hope one day she will make her own choice. The deal we as parents have is to respect her choice even if it differs to our own. As for in laws, my in laws are very very religious, they frequently put holy water on my dd when they visit, I just leave them to it as it doesn't mean anything to me.

I was baptised, went through all the catholic rituals and went to a convent but I still consider myself an atheist as an adult. I don't think been baptised sets anything in stone and as long as children understand different points of view and different religions and respect others choice to practise them I am sure they will make their own mind up once they are ready like I did. However baptising yoir child is a personal choice and if it was not important to my OH I would not have got S baptised at all.

 

[emyandpotato]

AnneD I agree and I think that the whole idea of it is crap but from OP's MIL's perspective that is 100% what she believes and it's very hard to set that aside and not worry sick about the potential fate of someone she loves, even if it's insanity to everyone else. I didn't say forcing beliefs and of course that is wrong, I just suggested that if it is something that her MIL feels so strongly about it could be a compromise. It doesn't have to affect anyone else, including Micah, who would be clueless.

 

[AnneD]

I understand, Emy, and I wasn't jumping on you, sorry if it came out like that. I just think MIL needs to, erm, 'grow up' (for the lack of better phrase) and accept that not everyone thinks like her and that on some subjects, she simply needs to back off.

ETA - someone in my extended family dragged one of the babies to church and had him baptised in secret. It didn't go down well with the family, and when said baby grew up, he wasn't pleased with it when he heard about it.

 

[LegoHouse]

I would just tell her when he's old enough to decide for himself he can get himself baptised then but for now you are his parents and it is ultimately your decision.

 

[emyandpotato]

I didn't think you were don't worry!

 

[slg76]

I am agnostic and have a very catholic husband. My daughter goes to church with him sometimes. Honestly we treat God just as we do Santa and the Easter Bunny; we say some people believe it's real and some people don't. Then sometimes we ask what she believes. I want her to be exposed to religion some but I don't want her to think it's the only option. It sounds like you are taking the same route with your little one with the "some people believe".

My LO is baptized in a catholic church. I figured it means nothing to be but really was important to my DH so of course I should be the one to compromise. HOWEVER, I would NOT have made that same compromise for my in-laws. We are her parents and we make the decisions for her. I would politely ask that they not talk about the specifics of religion in front of your LO. If they can't respect that I would not leave my LO with them alone.

Such a hard issue! Good luck and I hope you find a good compromise for everybody

 

[Zephram]

I would just tell her when he's old enough to decide for himself he can get himself baptised then but for now you are his parents and it is ultimately your decision.

This. I am atheist and I am all for education about all the types of religion out there, however the choice of what to believe or not to believe is up to the individual. I think it is extremely rude to push beliefs on other people, I would gently but firmly rxplain this to anyone who attempted it.

 

[sophiedaphne]

Goodness, I'm sorry you're dealing with this... I'm waiting for the day that this becomes an issue... I don't have kids yet, but both my boyfriend and I are atheists and we will be starting the process of having kids within the next couple of years... My dad was raised in a fairly religious Jewish family, my mom has recently admitted that she doesn't believe in god but wants to pass along the traditions (bris if it's a boy, bar/bat mitzvah, Hebrew school, all that jazz), and my boyfriend's parents are Jehovah's Witnesses, so that's going to be an interesting clash of ideologies. It also doesn't help that his grandfather is, like, an "elder" in the JW church and he is afraid that his grandparents will find out he's an atheist. Oh boyyyy the fun religion causes.

 

[Natsku]

My parents are very religious (dad is a prison chaplain, used to be a Baptist minister) but Maria only sees them about once a year or so and they don't really talk about beliefs with her. I do take her to church when I'm there as its just once a year and it makes my dad very happy.
FOB's parents on the other hand are religious fanatics. They used to be missionaries, now they go to a home church which seems more like a cult and they have extreme views that I really don't like (viewing other religions as evil although they are very nice to people from other religions when they meet them in person so could be worse, gays as evil, evil spirits everywhere etc.) but I have no control over what they say to Maria when she sees them, the only thing I've managed to do is ban them from taking her to their church.

 

[Babybear85]

No I wouldn't be happy either. I am a Christian and take my two to church on Sunday but at two and one they go to the creche they are not talked at about God or anything they are far too young and I would absolutely fuming if I were you too and I am not an atheist. The most we do with our eldest is let him look at hos children's bible they don't need to know about evil and that stuff at such a young age. I think you just need to be firm.just tell them enough is enough this is your children and god doesn't damn children if they are not baptised I guess that's obviously a strong catholic belief...it's utter bloody crap. Neither of mine are christened and if at some point they want to be that's because they have chosen to be and wish to be no matter my beliefs this is their life if they choose to go to football on a Sunday instead of church I will forgo it to take them to football it's not for me to choose their beliefs. Put your foot down now. Your child doesn't need to hear all of this at such a young age and they do pick up what's said my two your old repeats everything and I wouldn't want him to know about evil or being damned so young

 

[LegoHouse]

My daughter knows what God is and we have been to church but other than that she only knows what she's taught at school. She really likes it though and she gets very excited to talk about it all. If she chooses to be religious then I will support that but right now I would be pretty cross if someone tried to scare her into anything.

 

[Loozle]

My mil is greek and although she doesn't actually attend church, she does come from a religious family and she does believe that all children should be baptised, in her words "even if it's only to get them into catholic schools" 😒

My SIL is now taking my nephew to church to get him baptised before they need to apply for secondary schools. Mil started trying to make me take the boys to church and get them baptised, but I'm atheist and believe that the boys should make their own choices when they are old enough. I also will not be baptising them just to get them into catholic school, the idea of it actually angers me to be honest.
I've told her my beliefs, and although oh has been baptised (and attended a catholic primary and secondary school!) he also believes that the boys should make their own choices. I think it's finally sunk in now as she has stopped mentioning it, but she was trying to change my mind about it for ages. I really think that you just need to be firm and consistant with her and make sure your oh is backing you up.

 

[AngelUK]

I am a non believer too and so is my OH. A lot about organised religion infuriates me, especially the thought that innocent babies supposedly go to limbo if they die unbaptised. There is nothing of that in the bible by the way. My family is Greek/Romanian Orthodox and some of them very religious. I love them but they are not on the same planet as I am sometimes. However, because I love them and because quite frankly some CoE schools won't accept unbaptised children, we had our boys christened when they were 6 months old. It means nothing to me and so much to my family, so why not.
This does not mean that anything is set in stone, my boys can and no doubt will believe what they wish one day (though I strongly hope they will use their common sense!). However, I would hit the roof if any one told my little boys about hellfire, the devil and sin and all that. And they would seriously risk losing me as a loving member of that family if they ever ever dragged my children to mass without my knowledge and go ahead. I would put my foot down about that for sure!