Almost 44 final ttc journey -- buddies needed : )

[AngelUK]

Oh no! I am so sorry How heartbreaking I so wish I could help you

 

[Sophie2015]

Thanks ladies. I'm numb. Trying to focus on superficial things like regaining my fitness which 3 years of losses has stolen from me. I've booked a facial as well. Maybe looking better will help me feel better. We also just cancelled Xmas and booked a trip to the beach instead.
Having said all that, I'm 6dpo today. I've been cramping since last night and even spotted for about a minute today. AF has never arrived before 15dpo and I'm on P4 just in case we conceived last week as my E2 was too high for my P4 to overcome naturally. And I realize it's a long shot. And is prob just withdrawal from all the IVF hormones. And I'd prob mc anyway. But I can't help but wonder if the cramping and spotting is....possible implantation?! Pipe dreams I know. My RE is right. All my eggs are bad.

 

[CaliDreaming]

For me, cramping and bleeding about 1 week into the 2ww have been my only reliable early pregnancy symptoms. I had cramping at 8 dpo with my first pregnancy and cramping and bleeding at 8 dpo with my second. Both times I was convinced it was my period until the cramping/bleeding suddenly stopped. I've never had anything like that happen during a BFN cycle. I'm not sure if IVF would cause similar cramping/bleeding, but the fact you potentially had six eggs floating around and the fact that you've been able to get pregnant fairly easily and the fact that it's happening in the implantation window...not pie in the sky thinking at all that it's implantation.

The news today, though...I'm so heartbroken for you. I'm still mad they didn't tell you about the inaccessible ovary. I don't think we'll ever know for sure if your RE was right or not about your eggs but I do think you gain closure knowing you tried everything possible to get to that good egg. You don't have to live wondering whether IVF might have helped you.

The one thing I'm happy about for you have been able to decide when enough was enough instead of outside factors. I've followed some women on this board who have had to cut their TTC journey short because of cancer, divorce, and other desperate factors that left them with no other choice but to stop trying. I also think it is a "happy ending" when a woman decides she wants to reclaim the happiness she had before she began TTC. It takes as much courage to let go as to keep trying.

Now maybe in the upcoming months you and your husband might have a change of heart and decide you want to keep on trying or maybe you'll know in your heart you want to stop. Or maybe you start looking at adoption or donor eggs or something. But whatever you decide, you can at least have some comfort in knowing you had some choice in the matter and you took things as far as you wanted to take them.

All of this is a little premature since you're still in the 2 ww! I'll be rooting for a bfp in the upcoming week.

 

[Sophie2015]

Thanks Cali. We have decided to casually try at least until I'm 45 which isn't until next September. I think we've exhausted all "assisted conception" avenues and I'm not emotionally ready to quit completely. However I'm done putting my life on hold for the remote possibility I might be pregnant.
Your words are always so helpful. Thank you.

 

[Sophie2015]

Just thought I'd say hello. I have no news other than we have decided not to pursue further IVF or DE IVF. I'd say the odds I'll win the lottery are greater than conceiving at this point.
Oh! I lost all my hair. My IVF nurse doesn't think it's related to my IVF but it started happening about a week after I stopped all my meds. In any case it's been very stressful watching it all fall out.
Anything new with any of you?

 

[AngelUK]

My goodness you poor thing Sophie The hair thing is the icing on the cake I am sorry so many negative things are happening to you.

 

[CaliDreaming]

Sophie,

Oh goodness. I'm so sorry you're losing your hair. I don't know how they can say this is not related to the IVF with all the hormones involved. I'm sure it will grow back better than ever once everything goes back to normal. Sounds like a good move to not proceed with anymore IVFs. Seems like you had better success without it, so if it happens it will happen naturally.

Nothing new with me. My TTC plans are now on hold until this summer after we buy a house. The housing market where we live is in chaos right now and it's consuming my every waking moment. I was getting so overwhelmed and I need to lose some weight too, so didn't need TTC stress on top of that.

 

[Sophie2015]

Cali- I hope you get your housing situation figured out soon!!!

 

[CaliDreaming]

Thanks Sophie! We hope to stay in whatever house we get for several years so I hope we don't have to settle for something crappy. There was a perfect house that came on the market less than 3 months ago. I wish we had not gone to see it because it was in perfect condition at a very fair price, but we ended up not bidding on it because the timing just was not right and we couldn't have pulled it off. I have to drive by the house on occasion and I cuss all the way home whenever I do. Now since then interest rates have risen dramatically and there's hardly any houses on the market.

 

[Sophie2015]

Cali- How frustrating!! Do you absolutely have to move from where you are? I had no idea the interest rates had risen. Certainly makes things more tricky I know. Are you in Ca?

 

[Sophie2015]

Hi ladies. It's been a long time. I think of you all often. I'm assuming none of us has any news?
Sadly, although ovulation has been confirmed every month I'm no longer conceiving. Something that has never been a problem before. I am seriously considering IVF using a donor egg. Something I never thought I'd want to do.
Anyway. Just wanted to pop in and say hello. I hope you are all doing well.

 

[AngelUK]

No news from me. I have come to the conclusion I don't ovulate anymore. At least the tests don't seem to pick it up or if they pick up ovulation, then not fertile days before. I think we are ok with it now.

I do think that donor eggs might be the way to go for you. I know you said it wouldn't feel like your child but growing it in your womb and feeding it from your blood will make it yours and would not be the same as "merely" adopting a child so definitely something to consider! My best wishes for you and good luck and let us know what you decide.

 

[Sophie2015]

Thank you Angel. I'm sorry your quest for another baby hasn't worked out. I was so hopeful one of us in this group would defy the odds. Glad you are okay with it at least.
I'm tempted to start a journal. I have so many thoughts and emotions regarding trying again at 44. I'd somewhat made peace with the fact we'd never be parents. Did not expect to suddenly decide to consider donor eggs. Sure wish I knew what the right decision is. I'm terrible with big decisions!!

 

[AngelUK]

What does your DH say about donor eggs?

 

[Sophie2015]

He's all for it. Of course it's a biological child for him whether it's my eggs or a donors. Because of that he's left the decision up to me. Says if I want to do it he's 100% ready. But if I can't he understands that too. So I have no real help making the decision but I also don't have any pressure. Which is good. Except knowing I control his chance to have a bio child of his own is a heavy burden.

 

[TTC74]

I think DE IVF is a great option. I was actually saving up to go overseas for DE IVF when I got pregnant. I agree with Angel. If you grow a baby in your womb, your concerns about the baby not feeling like your own will quickly fade.

 

[CaliDreaming]

Sophie, so glad to see you're still trying and that you're considering the donor egg route. Genetics plays such a small part in how much we all love our children. This way you can become a mom without all the worry about whether the baby will be healthy or not. Motherhood is amazing no matter what route you take to get there.

I know it's taken a lot for you to get to a place where you're comfortable with it, but I know you will have no regrets if you do end up going for it. It's so great that your hubby's completely on board with whatever you decide. He loves you and wants to live his life with you. I'm sure he won't see it as denying him a baby if you don't go through with it.

Oh and nothing's changed on my end. Still WTT, still no house and still no time. WTT may turn into "We're done" in the next few months, honestly. Don't know if this is just a phase or if this busy phase is the new normal for us.

 

[mitchnorm]

Good luck with your decision Sophie and with the house stuff Cali.

Here after another miscarriage at 9 weeks at christmas...we have decided to stop ttc. 5 miscarriages with no explanation (likely poor egg quality) and I have had enough. We have our gorgeous daughter who is 5 this month and the age gap doesnto appeal to me. Plus I am 44 in May....investing my time and energy in her.....getting some 'life back ' and retraining in my career instead. Big changes here xxxx

 

[AngelUK]

I am sorry Mitch Good luck with your career!

 

[Sophie2015]

Mitchnorm- I'm so sorry for your loss. I completely understand wanting your life back. Good luck with your career!!

I am torn between also wanting my life back yet at the same time feeling somewhat incomplete without a child. We go for the required counseling Friday. Unless we hear something I haven't already found with my research I think we are moving ahead with donor eggs. Just praying it works.