Am I being to bitchy to this girl?

[xsugarplumx]

Okay, so I knew this girl, Julia from high school. She kind of was the 'weird chick' in school, and this last year she got pregnant. Gave birth to a BEAUTIFUL baby girl in June or July. I really can't remember. She hands off her baby to her Mother/Grandmother to take care of the baby, and is more focused on finding a boyfriend and moves every 3-4 months away from her child.

She says she loves the child and wants to be the best mother, but yet does this stuff.. am I in the wrong to put this up? To tell her how I sincerely feel?

Please don't hold back ANYTHING.

Thank you!

 

[wombat1]

I guess it depends how well you know her, if you know her really well then sharing your opinion might be okay (although personally I wouldn't do it in a public space), if you don't know her very well then it seems a bit off to comment to her to me just because we never know exactly what goes on in other peoples lives. Also the fact the some women struggle with infertility doesn't mean that women with children should change their behaviour at all. They are two separate things and it annoys me when people combine them.

In some cultures it's not as uncommon for the grandmother to look after the baby, my friend from school is from the Philippines and she lived with her grandmother and brothers in the UK while both her parents still lived in the Philippines. She saw her parents once a year or something, my mum always said how terrible that was but she seemed fine to me, she had a stable home and a caring adult figure so I didn't really see the problem and my friend never complained about it. It depends on how the grandmother feels in this situation too. From her post your friend does sound immature though and personally I'd never leave my mum as the primary carer of any child of mine (except under some extreme circumstances I can't think of right now I suppose) but if the baby has a stable home with this person's mother then it's probably better off where it is if your friend can't or won't be a stable parent at this point in time.

Her behaviour does seem off and sounds immature to me but it also sounds a bit desperate so there could be some underlying emotional issues she needs to deal with too.. I can only guess having never met her. As long as the baby has a stable home somewhere I'm inclined to think that the situation is okay. I'm not sure how many people would agree with me though.

 

[xsugarplumx]

I used to be her best friend in school, so I know her pretty well. I have unfriended her since, and I agree the baby has a stable environment. It just baffles me she says she wants to be a great mom yet does this. I got a littlr jealous when she had her baby. I just feel bad for thr baby and wish she could see what she is missing out on.

 

[wombat1]

Babies are flexible so I don't think the baby is suffering at all for its biological mum not being around, I imagine in its eyes it has a mother in the grandmother. When it grows up it might be a bit upset about the situation but we live in a time when there are many types of families not just the standard nuclear family so I doubt it will be alone for having an non traditional family setting. People are weird and say one thing yet do another often, it baffles me to.

 

[xsugarplumx]

I feel bad for doing it publicly but I just couldn't hold it anymore. I keep on asking DH If I was wrong.. he says no. What baffles me even more is ppl (not good ppl mind you. Homeless, drug addicted people she hangs around) came to her deffense saying I needed to stfu and mind my own business.

 

[wombat1]

I don't think you're a bad person for doing it I understand when emotions get the better of us however I don't agree that homeless or drug addicted people aren't 'good' people, I'm sure that's not what you meant but often people in those situations have emotional/mental problems or something bad that happened in their life at some point. Not all of them, but I think a lot. One of my flatmates used to work with alcoholics and gambling addicts (she's a psychologist) and more often that not there were more issues than just the alcohol and the gambling that these people needed to work though. They're not usually people you'd want to take life advice off though I agree.

It sounds like it was a bit emotional on all sides but I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[xsugarplumx]

Oh I didn't mean that they were bad people, its just they CHOOSE to be homeless from what I've seen. They are all in their 40s and this girl is in her 20's. I just wish would do more with her life. I was homeless for a while so I don't think all homeless are bad or drug addicts just not ppl I'd want to necessarily associate myself with.

 

[wombat1]

Yeah I know the feeling of watching someone you care about waste their life but unfortunately there's not often a lot we can do about it except hope they wake up and want more for themselves eventually.

 

[lucy_smith]

I have got to say that me and my best friend talk about everything! And if one of us does something we don't agree with we tell them! And that is exactly what I did ! My friend has 3 kids, dad isn't in the picture ( I did try to warm her about him) and she had a child minder 3 afternoons a week and her mum takes them one night a week. She doesn't work. And it was bonfire at the local park at the weekend and I had persuaded her take the kids as I thought they would love it! Then an hour later I get a message saying this guy that she has only been speaking to for 4 days asked to meet up if she could get a baby sitter! This on top of going out every weekend and getting a random Person to baby sit and now she don't want to take her kids to a family thing I let rip! I told her that she spends too much time with guys and maybe she shelf spend more time taking they girls and doing things with them! Maybe I was purchase of line but best friends are there in my opinion to tell you to stop being stupid!

 

[xsugarplumx]

Yeah me and Julia aren't close anymore but it just saddens me that she would throw away this perfect baby for a guy! I just get so mad and crazy jealous :/

 

[AP]

To be honest, I can see why it would hurt when you know what she does, but unless you know the full circumstances it's not something you should really comment on. I know sometimes grandparents agree to take more responsibilty than the mother especially if she's been really young and not had a chance to find her way in life.
Like wombat said, theres more than just the sterotypical family setup these days.

 

[Eline]

I understand why you feel upset and posted that. But even if your friend behaves immature, you can never expect to educate someone with an angry facebook post. Instead of making her understand how you feel about her situation, you probably just made her angry and annoyed. These things should be talked about in person and not publicly.
I don't say you were wrong posting what you did, as long as you see that your posts were rather about you and venting your emotions than about her or wanting to help her.

 

[xsugarplumx]

Yeah I kind of just deleted her so I don't do something like this again.

 

[Eline]

That should give you some peace of mind. Hopefully the little girl has very sweet and caring grandma.

 

[spicyorange]

Sorry to be the both but you responded 3 times, if she isn't your friends anymore it's not really any If your business and you come across as jealous.Sorry but I think you should back off. (But saying I agree with what she is doing but it's not your place till say).You did ask our opinion, I hoe mine doesn't offend

 

[xsugarplumx]

I did back off. I know I prob sounded jealous. I know what I did was wrong.

 

[HoneyBee144]

I personally wouldn't have put it on Facebook...then again I dont put anything on Facebook
I think this might bother you so much as you're WTT. Sorry if this is completely off the mark but when I was WTT I hated seeing all the girls I went to school with posting about their unplanned pregnancies or going out every single weekend when they had children and no job. I was waiting and trying to do everything 'the right way' (right way for me not anyone else!) yet they seemed to be able to do what they liked when they liked. I honestly can't tell you how much it upset me, I'd be in tears and my DH begged me to come off Facebook, luckily I found this site and finally found like minded people. Now I have DS it doesn't bother me, I may have been jealous of them then but now I feel so proud of me and my DH, we don't have a perfect life but we know how hard we've worked to achieve everything we have. I'm less judgemental now as well, I don't see most of these people in real life, I'm not with them 24\7 so I don't know their circumstances and things aren't as black and white as I used to think.
I can understand why it upset you but unfortunately there will always be people like that around, it's hard to ignore but you really don't want to get yourself stressed over it, unless you know the ins and outs of their life I'd leave them be.

Hope I didn't offend at all

 

[katherinegrey]

I have to say I agree, it wasn't really your place to comment if you're not close any more, I can see why it would wind you up though, there's a girl on my friends list who has three children she constantly abandons for men and to go drinking and her excuse is she's only 19 so deserves nights off, I have to REALLY bite my tongue with her, but I do it, because how her kids are raised is none of my business, the same as it's none of her business how my child is raised. Fast forward a couple of years, there will always be someone who disagrees with a parenting choice of yours (not saying you'll focus more on men than your baby though!), be it weaning, sleeping, what you dress them in, whatever, and I'm sure you won't appreciate comments on the way you're doing it when you have your own hun.

 

[Reidfidleir]

I'm of the opinion of everyone else here with the public comment. But your question has been answered lol so anyway just wanted to share my personal experience.

Completely different situation and circumstances but I had a best friend who often would get herself into these very difficult situations. (Lack of employment, housing, money, bad marriage, etc) and because she had a quitter mentality (still does) nothing anybody or I could say or do would make any difference. She appears to listen and is very sweet but if she wants to do something she's going to do it. And if it blows up in her face its everybody else's fault. Part of her living situation is thrust on her (large student loan debt and fragile health). But she would lash out against me even after 10 years of friendship and me always bending over backwards for her and being generous etc. I know part of the lashing out was frustration with herself and circumstances but it really came to a head this summer and we are no longer friends. She essentially cut me out of her life. We still do say hi to each other and I do text her on occasion asking how she is.
Although it hurts me so bad, I have been better off not having her intertwined with my life.

So basically I'm glad you've backed off so you don't have to watch Julia hurt herself and her family. You'll hopefully be happier and relieved for it.

Hugs. I know how this feels!!! I wouldn't call it jealousy. More righteous indignation.

 

[xsugarplumx]

I understand it wasn't my place, and I feel foolish now for it. I've been debating on just deleting FB all together, cause it just works me up, LOL. Thanks ladies for your input. No one has offended me!