Am I in the wrong?

[yourstruly10]

Hello ladies.

OH and I are currently expecting our first baby together. I have two little girls age 3 and 2 from my previous marriage but he has taken them on as his own and calls them his daughters.

OH has 3 sisters and 1 brother. 2 of his sisters, his bother and his parents call the girls their nieces/grandchildren.

But a few days ago I found out his one sister who has 3 children of her own is raising her kids to believe that only people related by blood or marriage are family and that the girls and I are not family yet because we don't have a piece of signed paper. She also stated that she expected this new baby to get to be auntie and to be her niece or nephew.

Now OH and I had a long discussion in regards to this and do not think it is fair for her to pick and choose between our children which ones she wants to be aunty to and which ones she doesn't so we have told her if she wants to be aunty to one she is aunty to all. That my daughters are no less family then this new baby.

She is also hosting their family's Christmas this year and has stated its a family event making me feel a little unwelcome so the girls and I will not be going. My OH does not want to go but I have asked him to go as it is still his family and they love him and it wouldn't be fair to punish his whole family because of his one sister.

Now I fully respect her values and the way she wishes to raise her kids but I also need her to respect my feelings and understand I will not let her do anything to make my girls feel different or unwelcome.

We wrote this to her in a letter as she did not feel like talking and has yet to respond which is fine.

Now I guess I need to know if you guys think I am in the wrong or do I have the right to what we have asked of her? OH and I feel good about it and the rest of his family agrees yet I still feel somehow like I'm doing something wrong.

 

[eris]

I agree with you. Was talking to my MIL about this very thing just the other day. She has two boys from a previous marriage and a daughter with the current husband. Her SIL didn't want to have anything to do with the boys only with the daughter since she was "blood." My MIL was like, yeah NOPE, if you can't accept my boys as well, then you won't be seeing any of them.

 

[BubiMama]

I don't think you are wrong in any way as a mom it's ur job to protect ur babies. I honestly think your a better person than me because I think I'd loose it!! This is my first pregnancy due to IVF because I am unable to get pregnant on my own but I have an adopted daughter from a previous relationship in which I was engaged but unfortunately my fiancé was killed so I adopted his teenage daughter. When I started to date my now husband I loved how he treated my daughter like she was his and won't let anyone treat her differently. He understands my need to make her ok with this pregnancy and how I don't want her to feel like because this baby will have my blood I don't love her just as much. So I take her with me to do actors appointments and involve her in every aspect of this pregnancy even picking names. Bottom line blood doesn't determine who is family YOU decide who is ur family. I honestly think your being very calm and mature about the situation in my opinion I commend you on not loosing it and telling her which end she can shove her opinion!!! As well as encouraging ur OH to still attend the holiday @ her house!! Go u for being such an adult!!

 

[eris]

haha right? Because I was sorta sitting here thinking, man I would not want him going to the party.

And that's awesome BubiMama for adopting her. That had to have been hard! I sorta feel like crying now. Gosh I love pregnancy hormones!

 

[yourstruly10]

Thank you so much to both of you. I just felt so bad putting him I between his sister and I. I love him for being on my side but still respect that it's his family. If I didn't love his so much and If I didn't know how much family means to him I would have lost it. And to be honest ive said some not so nice things and bawled to him but no one else. I think she's on a high horse and has no right to pick and choose between my children my I feel the need to be rational for him.

Bubimama I commend you hugely for what you have done and I am amazed at your strength. Congrats on the new baby on the way.

 

[deafgal]

No but I did have a little girl who I called my little niece...but she was my brother's girlfried's daughter. He and His girlfriend have been together for a very long time, but they never got married. Well they finally broke up and so the girl is no longer in our life. There is nothing we can do. It is easy to take children away like that if they have no blood relation like that.

 

[BubiMama]

Thanx ladies I just did what I had to do yea it was tuff but we had each other to get threw the hard times..... I also had a step mother who made it a point to let it b known that her children were family because they shared blood and I know the feeling of feeling different so I can honestly say that what ur doing by protecting ur girls is amazing if she can't accept and treat all of them the same then she doesn't deserve to b a part of ur new baby's life and as for ur OH he's right though she is his sister U and ur girls are HIS family.........

 

[OnyxSnowfall]

No you're definitely not in the wrong.

Also, big props to you!

I don't think I could have been as rational and together (I wouldn't have wanted my OH to go to the b*tches house ).

 

[Lucy529]

I was raised that when you come into a family ( paper or not) you accept everything, you can't pick and choose. My hubby's family although we have other issues also accept that blood has nothing to do with who you call family. My cousin married my brother in law she has a son from a previous relationship and to everyone in the family he's a nephew and grandchild, no difference there.

You are being quite nice by just writing a letter, I would of gone over and gave her a piece of my mind, hope she sees how unfair she's being.

 

[yourstruly10]

Thank you ladies. Your support really does help.
Maybe I'm being selfish and should just suck it up and go to Christmas.

 

[MrsBroodyPant]

I think she can let her children know that your daughters are not her real cousins by blood. Otherwise they will grow up thinking that your oh is their biological father. Have your daughters got their biological father present? I think your daughters need to be included in the family as equally as your new baby will be but its ok to all know the truth. I think saying u can't go to Christmas is very wrong of your sil

Xxx

 

[Rickles]

Does the rest of the family feel the same way?? Do they know what she has said??

You are totally in the right and being the bigger person. My Dad adopted my older brother - we have all been treated TOTALLY EQUALLY since Day 1. In fact my Mum always tried to make out my grandparents treated him differently but I can honestly say I don't think that's the case...

Mine and my OH family are so full of divorce, half, step sibling etc. we just go by treat everyone well and as long as they do the same - they are part of the family! xx

 

[cait]

You are definitely in the right, but if it was me, I'd prefer my OH to spend christmas with me and the children.

Family is not blood, it's relationships and love. Adoption, fostering, marriage, friendship all create families just as much as blood ties do.

 

[yourstruly10]

My daughters do have a bio dad but we make sure to tell them they have two daddy's and they are very lucky to have so many people who love them in their lives. They know Jeremy is not their bio daddy but that he is still another daddy and he loves them. They know that Jeremy chose to be their daddy and that, that in itself show genuin love.

I have no problem if she wants them to know we aren't related by blood but that doesn't mean we aren't family and doesn't give her the right to choose one kid over the others.

I was also adopted by my dad( mom is my bio mom) and his parents always made
ME feel like I was less important them my brother because I wasn't
Blood related. Even going as far as saying I wasn't their grandchild because I wasn't blood related so it hit hard when she said it and I will do whatever it takes to protect
My babies.

The rest of his family knows what was said and have been very kind and have made sure we know I am family no matter what she says.

His sister never said we can't come but made it clear it was a "family" event and now I don't feel right going.

I would love OH with us on Christmas but it works out that he goes as the girls can go to their other dads that day and we will have our Christmas other day. To me it's not the day it's on it's the people I'm with so I'll be ok.

 

[Night Flower]

Wow what a mean woman!

So those infertile couples who adopt, their children aren't family?

How cruel of a thought! Step kids ARE FAMILY. I'd be more hostile to her than you would if she treated any of my kids or family like that. Good job for keeping a cool head.

But really, you all should go. Bring your daughters too. She must accept them as apart of her brother and you and needs to accept them as family.

 

[cait]

Oh I thought you meant you and the girls would be on your own on Christmas day but if they are going to see their other dad that's different. Good that your family unit (you, OH and kids) can have your day on a different date.

All this differentiation can be really tough on kids - step-brother, half-sister etc. My niece has a brother and a sister - doesn't matter that they have only one parent in common, her mum doesn't like anyone to call them "half"-siblings as it is confusing and diminishes her relationship with them. I tend to agree. Your little one in utero will have two lovely sisters to look after him or her!