And today we shall be debating . . .

[New Mrs W]

Well, after enjoying yesterday's debate (perhaps a little too much !) I thought I would try and find out your views on different parenting styles, in particular the two I am about to mention.

When I was a little girl, I was ALWAYS told I was brilliant and that I could do anything I wanted to do as long as I put my mind to it. My Dad in particular was a firm believer in the pygmalion effect (if you tell someone enough times that they are a certain thing then they will eventually believe it and will start to behave accordingly) and really felt that his constant encouraging and building of his daughters' self belief would have a positive impact on them. And I can honestly say, hand on heart, that it has. I have never been happy to accept second best from myself. If I have found something difficult I have persevered with it and although I haven't always been brilliant at everything, I have always given it a good go. Ironically, I think that it has been this attitude that has led to my absolute disappointment in myself that I failed at breast feeding Frankie.

Anyway, conversely I have a friend who always says she thinks that my dad's style of parenting leads to pressure being put on a child (I never felt under any pressure, as long as I did my absolute best that was enough) and that she won't do this with her children. She will let them choose what they want to do and follow their own paths as much as possible, much as her parents did with her.

Now, I can see both sides of this argument but looking at it properly, and thinking about how both my friend and I have turned out, I'm pretty sure I will be following my Dad's example and encouraging my little boy to aim for the stars.

What do you think? What sort of parents will you be to your LOs?

 

[kelly29]

i'm easy going i expect my kids to try there best, if they find something really tough or something there not so good at ask for help and if you still find hard then so be it, you cant be good at everything . i will offer my support a lot more than my parents do or ever did i love all my babies and just want them to be happy polite individuals x i just want them to do the best they can, thats all i want, then they cant say they never tried just like i do .

 

[New Mrs W]

Good point Kelly, I do want my little man to be happy above all else. xx

 

[Pixxie]

'Aim for the moon, even if you miss you will land amongst the stars.'

If I know they can do better I will push them to try harder xxx

 

[Mrs Mayhem]

Oooh, did i miss a debate yesterday??

Well, I was also brought up to believe that I can do anything I put my mind to, and it worked. I never felt under any pressure for anything and always did well at the things I chose to do, however, I didn't do so well in other things, for example, at school I did great in english, spanish, german, drama etc, all the subjects I loved, but did terribly in science, r.e and other subjects which I didn't like!!

I would like to believe that we will support Holly in whatever she wants to do, providing it is not dangerous or illegal!! I will always tell her that she can achieve what she wants to achieve, but at the end of the day, so long as she is happy and healthy, thats really all that matters!

 

[charlotte-xo]

I will always encourage alfie in anything and everything that he wants to do in his life. i will always be his cheerleader so to speak. Aslong as he's happy im happy

 

[FLUMPY1984]

I do believe in telling your child that if they put their mind to it they can achieve it but im going to try and encourage lo to give it their best and even if they fail at something at least they tried their best. Think its good to apply a little pressure but not too much if you know what i mean. I want lo to be happy and give things in life a good go but be able to accept things that dont go his way and get on with it and keep going x

 

[sjminimac]

ooh good question Ruth i also believe that if you tell someone something enough they start to believe it (unfortunately i quite often had to talk myself out of the negative side of it thanks to an over zealous mother) as long as it's done positively and with humility so as to not end up with a precocious child. I will be more than happy for charlie to be a teacher, a plumber, a bank manager, a footballer...whatever he wants to be, as long as he does the best he possibly can at whatever vocation he chooses x

 

[BabyJayne]

I'm all for encouragement, and fostering a belief that if there is something you want to do, with hard work and dedication you can achieve it.

But when I think of parents blindly encouraging a child's dream without them having any expectation of realising it, I think about a girl who was on the X-Factor a few years ago. She was a very large girl, which wouldn't have made any difference, but she could not sing. She was beyond awful. Yet her parents were encouraging her, telling her she was fantastic etc etc and she actually believed that she had an amazing voice, and was throughly bewildered and upset when she didn't get past the first round. Everyone else could see that this girl was never, ever, ever in a million years going to be a singer, but her parents had convinced her that she could.
I think this is a prime example of while you should encourage hard work, dedication and the attitude of aiming high - it needs to be within the realms of reality, as you could just be setting your child up for a life of unrealised dreams. x

 

[BabyJayne]

Just to add - great topic...and what debate did I miss? You can't beat a good (friendly) debate! x

 

[New Mrs W]

BabyJayne, that is a great point. You have to be realistic, if your child just doesn't have it in them to do a certain thing, all the encouragement in the world won't make a blind bit of difference.

Charlotte, love the idea of mummies being cheerleaders for their children!!

Pixie, that was the exact mantra my dad used with me.

Sarah-Jane, I think we all have to be careful not to be over zealous with our LOs, sorry you had that to contend with. Your mum must be extremely proud of the person you have become though. x

 

[New Mrs W]

Just to add - great topic...and what debate did I miss? You can't beat a good (friendly) debate! x

A question about state, public or home schooling. It all ended nicely! xx

 

[leelee]

I was really encouraged by my parents, realistically though, and as a result have pretty much always achieved everything I have set out to do.

With my LO I will be his number 1 supporter but I will be very careful about trying to nurture his talents and interests. OH is a musician and was never encouraged in that area with the result that he went back to uni for 2 years to pursue it. I want to encourage Max to follow his dreams, be they arty, practical or intellectual. I definitely want him to be happy in life and to feel that he can do whatever he puts his mind to!

Fair enough, I know if he is an artist or a musician it is harder to earn consistent money but I believe there are jobs out there if you think outside the box & are prepared to compromise a bit!

 

[Murphy98]

I just read a fascinating book - NurtureShock by Po Bronson, that has a chapter devoted to self-esteem and how telling your child they are brilliant and smart all the time will "ruin them"-lol! No really its fascinating the neurobiological studies he discusses. He advises that in our rush to improve our children's self esteem - we are creating underacheivers. To try to briefly try to sum up - when you praise a childs innate intellegence they take it personally when they fail, they take the failure as a sign they are stupid, they feel things should come naturally to them and then become very stressed out when they encounter a task they are not good at, often causing them to give up. Further more, there is actual circut in the brain for persistence - which strengthens when someone has to overcome something though effort. Children who's EFFORT was praised and not their innate intellegence had much stronger activity in that part of their brain. Children who's effort was praised were more likely to work through problems and enjoy the challenge.

They also found that children can route out too much superfluous praise - and will start not believing any of the praise given them (adults already know this). They have noticed that these days more praise is given to the kids who are NOT good at something and then feel that if too much praise is given to them, that it means they are underacheiving.

So while I am going to encourage my child to do what he wishes to do and be successful at it, we are really trying not to tell him he's brilliant all the time. My husband and I have been trying to say "I like how you tried hard at that" instead of "your such a smart boy" for about 2 weeks now and its REALLY hard, but we hope to perservere and have it down pat by the time he understand us-lol!

Great topic -I love a good debate - bring it on!

 

[jstarr]

I think it depends on the child..some are more naturally confident than others. Myself, I was quite quiet as a child, I've always been ok at most things so coasted along without much effort and I was never pushed (in a good or bad way) to do better and untill recently, I had no confidence or urge to be the best at something..i still don't have confidence in alot of things, I hate my driving lessons because of the pressure to remember everything, I don't like talking infront of lots of people, I actually refused to do a 'talk' in front of the class for one of my GCSE's.
However im quite synical (sp?) and have lived by the 'don't expect too much and you won't be disappointed' rule for a long time and that hasn't done me any harm, i don't like it when children are wrapped up and told everythings rosy and then when they hit the real world they have to learn all over again.
Do I think I might have been different if I was encouraged/pushed more..probably I think it depends on the personality of the child how much they need additional encouragement x

 

[kmac625]

When Clara was just a few days old, dh and I had a talk with her and told her that she could be whatever she wanted when she grows up, as long as it makes her happy. Whether that be a lawyer or doctor, or a garbage collector (though I'd prefer doctor lol). As long as she's happy with her life, that's what is most important.

 

[lauren10]

I think it depends on the child. My parents expected a lot of me in terms of school and behavior. For me that worked really well, however for my brother, not so well. My mom was very hung up on him getting a college education, but that just wasn't for him and it really set him up for failure (and wasted lots of money). Now he's a carpenter and does SO well...but back then, she wanted him to do what she considered "better". I think there's a combination of pushing them to achieve but guiding towards the areas they excel in.

 

[Murphy98]

One example I found fascinating from the book I mentioned above.... researchers did a study where they had children do a test that was designed for them to do poorly. They had mothers waiting in the lobby. Half way though the test researchers pulled each mother aside and told her that their child was underacheiving, then gave the mothers a chance to go in and talk to their kids. The study was done with an Amercian group and a Chinese group of parents:

The American mothers praised their children, told them your great, good work and so forth. The Chinese parents smiled just as much and were just as affectionate, but instead of praise they encouraged their kids to focus, take their time on each question etc. The Chinese kids scores for the second half of the test went up 33% - more than twice the scores for the American kids.

Fascinating! Its a great read, I really do recommend it

In terms of nurturing success - I think that its important to focus on the skill sets that help a person acheive what they want - whatever that might be. Conflict resolution, time management, cause and effect, trying hard, participation, positive peer interactions....those base skills sets are what we hope to help our child develop - what he then does with them will be up to him.

 

[Lightworker]

I am the type who encourages my child to listen to her inner guidance and to live her life according to it and find out who she is and why she is here. I do believe in praisng her all the time but I know a time will come when she will need to learn to love herself, free from everyone else's opinion of her. I want her to achieve a level of true confidence that will be numb to both praise and rejection. I encourage love,strength,courage and integrity. Ultimately I want her to be THE BEST VERSION OF HERSELF.

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

I'm reading 'Uncondtional Parenting' by Alfie Kohn at the moment. VERY interesting reading on this subject! I don't know if anyone here has read it but it's definitely leading me more towards not wanting to praise, reward or punish.