Announcements - am I in the wrong?

[SmartieMeUp]

I had a BFP on 25th October, told immediate family only (OH's parents/siblings +partners & my parents/siblings). SIL announced she was pregnant too - I/we was happy for her. It was early days but unsure of how far along we both were. But somehow MIL put SIL at 5-6 weeks despite her CB digi said 1-2 meaning no more than 4 weeks.

Anyway me and OH went for a scan on 29th which turned out I was 6+1 with a heartbeat. She decided to announce her pregnancy on FB a week later at what she thought was around 8-9 weeks (misinformed/calculated). Then MIL was asking me when me and OH were going to make it public - I said not yet for 2 reasons: (1) Not wanting to until around 12 weeks as it's the low 'danger zone' and (2) Not wanting to steal SIL's limelight. She was okay with that.

She had a scan yesterday but it put her back at 6 weeks maximum (which does actually fall right with her dates) and has some complications. I had a scan today which put me forward 3 days so I'm 9+3. I didn't take the scan photo round to MIL's simply because of SIL's current state which she understood so I sent a pic via FB messenger. I sent a pic to my family via messenger too and they asked for permission to announce on FB as things were looking up. I agreed to it as long as they didn't tag me or OH (so it doesn't go on our wall) for the sake and respect of SIL - so they went along with it.

Anyway, I got a message from MIL stating how it should be me and OH announcing it on FB not them and I said I gave them permission. She then put a FB status up saying she was "confused" and "feeling really f*cked off". I explained I don't want to put it on my FB because of SIL, it isn't what she wants to be seeing, it'll make her more upset and I'm respecting that. It isn't my fault my family are excited but if it wasn't for SIL's problem we would actually announce it today but instead we're waiting until she's sorted and fine with the situation. I even told MIL she can put it up if she wishes but that's her doing with emotional effect and not mine. But she blanked me from then on.

So yeah, am I wrong for letting my family put it on FB?

 

[ajarvis]

It's your pregnancy. So no you're not wrong. You can announce, not announce, let others share as you see fit!

 

[heather2629]

Oh family drama! Don't worry about what anyone thinks of your decisions. The way I see it, I observed two things about you and your OH:

1) You care deeply for how your SIL feels, and you're protecting her. Not everyone would be so sensitive, and your MIL should respect that you care so much about her daughter. Seriously, not everyone has that kind of control. It shows a lot of thoughtfulness that you wanted to protect SIL's feelings so much.

2) Your family is excited, and you shouldn't prevent them from being so! It's hard to say to someone: "Hey, here's this huge, exciting secret, now don't tell anyone!" It's like handing someone a bomb and asking them to keep their mouth shut. Cruel! So, I totally get that your family wanted to share the news. And they should be able to.

Bottom line: your choices and your choices. MIL, SIL, parents, whomever... they can deal with it. Honestly, if your MIL is willing to write you off and make high school level Facebook posts over one of the most exciting moments of your life, she doesn't have your best interests at heart. Don't let it get you down. Enjoy your pregnancy... and congratulations!

 

[SmartieMeUp]

Thank you.

I really found it unfair and questioned myself. When I brought it up to OH about the statuses, he said "I sort of agree with her that it's our decision to announce not theirs" in which I replied "But I allowed them to, and you know the reason I'm/we're not going ahead with it on FB right now, and I told her that" his response was "Okay, that's fine then".

I don't want to feel as if I'm rubbing what seems to be a progressing, healthy pregnancy in my SIL's face. I want the water to be calmer than it is now, which makes me want to wait until the "12 week scan" at a minimum (which is Dec 9th).

It's just an awkward situation and feels I'm not being appreciated in what I'm trying to avoid doing for the sake of others.

 

[heather2629]

Don't worry - Dec. 9 will be here before you know it!

Incidentally, that's when we are announcing.

 

[hlynne]

You are not wrong!!!

I have had problems with my mother in law since the day I married my husband (over 3 years ago).

I have told my mom and dad because they could keep a secret. We will tell everyone else after our 12w2d scan to make sure that everything is still good. My MIL is also part of the "everyone group". I can't trust her to keep a secret. She is not supportive of me and had not remorse of the 3 pregnancies that we lost so I don't care to tell her anyway.

Do whatever you and your OH want to do. It is your family and your life. Do not worry about opinions of others. If they want to be mean, that is their own problem!!

 

[Mumdadandb]

TBH I can see where your MIL is coming from, she was probably still thinking you were waiting till 12weeks before you announce and since the question of allowing family members to announce never came up, she got confused when she saw it.

You're not wrong for allowing your family to announce on their fb and its nice of you to be sensitive to your SIL's situation, maybe it would have been better if you let your MIL know your family will be announcing so she's aware and not like a surprise.
I think I would have been a bit upset too if I were her but I wont be immature about it and post a nasty comment on fb.

I would try and talk to her and let her understand you never meant to hurt anyone. Just my opinion

 

[SmartieMeUp]

We still haven't announced it though, so there's 98% of people on (my) FB who don't know. OH and my family only have my side of the family as mutual friends so it hasn't broke it to any of his friends or work colleagues either. Plus, it isn't as if my family did it without any consent.

If we did announce it any time from now, MIL will still have something to say about it due to SIL's circumstances and no doubt state I timed it wrongly, even more so that it isn't good news for SIL, unfortunately.

She's not in the right mind to talk right now and won't be for a long time, so I'm keeping my distance. I'm going to open myself for abuse but not take any offense by it more so because of how the pregnancy started out.

 

[Ceejay123]

Oh god, in laws. Lol. What is it with mother in laws being threatened by the maternal grandmothers relationship with the child.

No I don't think you're in the wrong at all. Don't worry, we all get our share of this drama at times. X

 

[Mumdadandb]

We still haven't announced it though, so there's 98% of people on (my) FB who don't know. OH and my family only have my side of the family as mutual friends so it hasn't broke it to any of his friends or work colleagues either. Plus, it isn't as if my family did it without any consent.

If we did announce it any time from now, MIL will still have something to say about it due to SIL's circumstances and no doubt state I timed it wrongly, even more so that it isn't good news for SIL, unfortunately.

She's not in the right mind to talk right now and won't be for a long time, so I'm keeping my distance. I'm going to open myself for abuse but not take any offense by it more so because of how the pregnancy started out.

Its nice of you to be sensitive to your SIL's situation but you should never hide your happiness because of someone else's misfortunes. Its not your fault and nobody should have to put their stress on you.

Also I think its unfair to have all the focus on SIL and not be happy for you. I understand she might be confused to see your family's announcement but she needs to stop making it a bigger issue.

 

[SmartieMeUp]

Well me and OH had a little row about it earlier. He totally turned it all on me and took his mums side for some odd reason. And it literally brought him to the point of walking out, just he couldn't finish the sentence to say it, but instead finished it with "doesn't matter". I ate my tea alone in the kitchen then he had the decency to come in and say "I don't know why the hell you're in here sulking to yourself".

I had to ask my mum and sisters to remove the announcement for his hissy fit - my mum did as did one of my sisters. Now they have a grudge against OH stating how it isn't fair that they can't be happy just because his family isn't and that I shouldn't need to have secrecy.

Thinking back on it all is just going to make my pregnancy awkward and not enjoy it along the way. I know for sure it'll be instant guilt for showing any excitement over it, especially in front of MIL and SIL. It's going to be a long grieve too knowing how emotional she can be which I don't at all doubt her for. But once it's born are they going to treat it any different?

SIL(2) and FIL are totally understanding and I'm not afraid to talk about it to them. SIL (2) even came to my scan with me and I shown FIL the picture today while MIL and SIL were out and he was happy for us, but it was a ticking clock to be out the house in case they arrived. We went to see OH's grandma today to break the news and despite talking about SIL's situation she was happy and literally went "HURRAYYY!" waving her arms in the air. It was nice to see somebody who knows the full story not let that take over positive news.

 

[hlynne]

Wow, I am so sorry that your MIL and SIL are still acting like this. That is so horrible and I really can't understand why your OH is taking their side. We all seem to have MIL issues. I have my own and I still haven't told her that I'm pregnant yet. She will probably get mad that we didn't tell her right away. Oh well, just another thing for her to be mad about. It sounds like your MIL is someone that is going to be mad about something no matter what anyway. This should be a happy time for her.

You are right for doing whatever you and your OH want to do. I'm sorry that this is coming in-between you and your OH. This should be a happy time!

 

[MNgirl1991]

Jeez I hate in law drama. I've had MIL and SIL issues since before I married my hubby. No one was ever god enough for him, in their eyes, especially not me, who didn't graduate from college and didn't "fit in" with OH's family the way they wanted.
We just announced our pregnancy to MIL and SIL and SIL is happy for us but MIL is a little disappointed that we got pregnant right away and was grilling us on if we're ready for this, "starting a family is a big deal, don't take it lightly," blah blah blah. She didn't even congradulate us.
So I totally get how frustrated you are with your situation. Even tho they're not blood family, they're family and we want their approval and their blessing no matter what.
I really hope it turns around for you and everyone can finally be happy about your pregnancy!!

 

[SmartieMeUp]

MIL has finally spoken to me and she seemed okay and apologised for not being in involved with any contact.

Things have become more tense between me & OH, things were extremely heated last night which ended in him sleeping on the sofa (his choice, I asked if he was coming to bed 2 hours after I went but followed on with the grump) which then spiralled to this morning. He's now staying at MIL's but whether it's permanent or not I don't know - he seems to think it is... But the boat has been rocked there.

 

[hlynne]

I really hope that things get better soon!! So sorry that you are going through this.....

 

[SmartieMeUp]

MIL took another turn on me so I've just removed her from FB. OH came back today buy I'm not allowed to talk to him so I've been sat upstairs all day on my own as DD is sleeping out.

I felt extremely low today/tonight, I went out at 9:25pm, he didn't even notice I was gone and I came back at 11:45pm walk through the front door and he goes "hello?". As I was out, I just looked at cars going by and just felt tempted to get hit, and didn't feel phased.

 

[SmartieMeUp]

Typing that out has turned me into a mess.

 

[smoore]

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. If you are feeling those thoughts, please seek some medical attention. We are hear from you, but can only help so much from afar.

 

[Luckybug]

Oh darling!

Surely he can see how upset and how pregnant you feel!

Just tell him all you want is for everyone to be happy, and it's hard to please everyone and you just don't know what to do or what to say to make it right. You seem like the kind of person who wants to make everyone happy and sacrifices her own happiness for other people.

The only person you can control is yourself, you can't control the happiness of others, they will feel how they feel. My husband is a huge momma's boy, so I know now to just never talk about when she makes me upset. He'll always side with her, and it's not that she's a terrible person she's just terribly sensitive and he feels the need to shelter her. Your OH is probably in the same boat. I say it's best to leave this whole deal alone and pretend it didn't happen. Just don't talk about it.

For goodness sakes, you and your sister in law are both pregnant, I don't see how she could be upset at all!

Your mil will always have opinions about your life, but they're just that opinions. You can agree to disagree. Just apologize and say "I see your point of view, and I'm sorry if I offended you. That was my intention at all. I just want both sides of my family to be happy, and I thought I was being tactful, when really I misjudged the situation. I hope that we can put this behind us and celebrate the new lives we are welcoming into our family." And leave it at that. It's not an admission of wrong doing, but an admission that you didn't anticipate her hissy fit.

 

[SmartieMeUp]

It's just so hard.

Truth be told, he wants to be out of the whole scenario and get on with his own life with his computer. He tells me to keep the baby at the last minute of pressurising me into a termination, on treatment day. I knew I wanted it but I took him into consideration. And that's why it's made everything with SIL and MIL a lot more awkward because we had a choice. She didn't. It turned out she had a molar pregnancy.

I told OH how I felt tonight and all he said was "you obviously don't care about yourself, Ava or the baby" and that just torn me more. As if it's just my fault. Now thinks I'm playing him against his family. I loved his mum to bits but we clash, she was my birthing partner with DD. She did so much but now it seems I'm a trouble to his family. I care but it gets thrown back at me. I'm no longer appreciated.