Annoyed with OHs drinking ?

[Kaedin]

I came home last night to see that my partner had bought a litre of spirit and fizzy juice (spending a total of £20.00!) I asked him why, considering he has at least 12 cans of beer in the fridge (more than enough to last the entire weekend!...his response "well they were given to me".

He buys alcohol every weekend, and as I'm pregnant I'm not drinking at all anymore (before I got pregnant we both used to drink at the weekends) But I feel so angry that he bought alcohol to last him over the weekend when he already has a fridge full of alcohol. He has just bought the spirits that way he can drink it over the weekend and then he still has all the cans to drink through the week. This is really annoying as they will last til next weekend where he will buy even more alcohol.

I had an arguement with him about his alcohol drinking around 18 weeks ago, as I want him to cut down - this is when he said he would only drink at the weekends - which doesn't happen as he buys the alcohol at the weekend (so I don't get mad) but buys enough that he had a drink during the week after work!

I really want him to cut down - and by cut down I really do mean only a few cans at the weekend. Maybe 4 cans on friday, saturday and sunday and no more! But he buys a 20! During our last big argument about it his mum got involved and told me to "grow up". So basically since then I've tried to keep quiet about it as I know he will tell her and she will get involved. But I'm just getting so angry now. It's alot of money as it all adds up, yet I don't go out spending £20.00 a week on anything for myself.

 

[Pearls18]

That is A LOT of alcohol, I admit DH and I aren't big drinkers but 12 cans alone should be lasting more than a weekend, my husband couldn't get through that in a month but certainly not a weekend, don't even get me started on the spirit. I don't think this is healthy hun, that will be far more units than healthy and the cost must be huge, this can't continue once the baby is born. He probably thinks this is normal but I don't think it is, I'm not sure how you would get through to him though?

 

[Kaedin]

That is A LOT of alcohol, I admit DH and I aren't big drinkers but 12 cans alone should be lasting more than a weekend, my husband couldn't get through that in a month but certainly not a weekend, don't even get me started on the spirit. I don't think this is healthy hun, that will be far more units than healthy and the cost must be huge, this can't continue once the baby is born. He probably thinks this is normal but I don't think it is, I'm not sure how you would get through to him though?

I told him he can't drink like that once baby is here, as there is no way he is holding baby with a can in the other hand. I don't want my baby around anyone who is drinking so often. But when I tell him how I feel, he basically just says its his life, he will do what he wants. And I only want him to cut down as I'm jealous as I can't drink anymore as pregnant. I have no idea what to say to get through to him, and I know it's only going to get worse with Christmas and new year coming up, as he is off work for 2 weeks.

 

[Pearls18]

That is A LOT of alcohol, I admit DH and I aren't big drinkers but 12 cans alone should be lasting more than a weekend, my husband couldn't get through that in a month but certainly not a weekend, don't even get me started on the spirit. I don't think this is healthy hun, that will be far more units than healthy and the cost must be huge, this can't continue once the baby is born. He probably thinks this is normal but I don't think it is, I'm not sure how you would get through to him though?

I told him he can't drink like that once baby is here, as there is no way he is holding baby with a can in the other hand. I don't want my baby around anyone who is drinking so often. But when I tell him how I feel, he basically just says its his life, he will do what he wants. And I only want him to cut down as I'm jealous as I can't drink anymore as pregnant. I have no idea what to say to get through to him, and I know it's only going to get worse with Christmas and new year coming up, as he is off work for 2 weeks.

I know how difficult it is to talk to someone about alcohol (not my DH another family member) it's like talking to a brick wall, they think because they don't drink whiskey out of a brown paper bag or need alcohol first thing they don't have a problem. Does he get drunk often or is he just used to that amount and needs that much to relax?

 

[Misscalais]

My hubby has one or two cans a night, not every night but most. He works hard and it doesn't worry me at all. He never drinks to get drunk unless we go out and that's about twice a year lol!
If he bought more when he already had enough is be annoyed too.

 

[Kaedin]

He doesn't often drink to get drunk in the house, he will usually drink about 6 cans, he won't be drunk but I can see the effects of the alcohol on him.

But then he just goes to bed, he says he likes a drink after work to relax. But I'm annoyed he has bought a litre of spirits, when he has more than enough in the fridge, and he have plans to go out to see a band tomorrow (so he will be drinking and he will be drunk) so then he will still have loads of alcohol in the house that he will continue to drink until next weekend when he will buy more.

 

[redlemonade]

It always worry me when people say they need alcohol in the evenings "to relax". It's fine once in a while but I think relying on alcohol to relax can lead to dependency issues.

I think he needs to know how you feel but it sounds like he's already a little defensive. It's best to frame whatever you say in your concern for him and his health.

 

[amytrisha]

I agree with red lemonade.

The whole "it's my life" thing is ridiculous, because it's clearly affecting your life too. I personally don't see the point in having a drink if its not to socialise do you think your OH has a problem? If your not comfortable with him drinking so much and so often you need to be strict (I know your not his mum but your gonna be having a baby together, you shouldnt be the only one having to make sacrifices).

It may be a little different but I do understand how your feeling, I quit smoking but my OH is still smoking - not a lot but still, I'm trying to put my foot down on the situation but it is difficult when it's become an addiction

 

[Kaedin]

It just seems to be getting worse.

On Friday and Saturday he bought takeaways from himself (I was out on Friday - I said why don't you leave it til tomorrow and we can both get food, he said no) On Saturday I wasn't hungry (had been sick) so he bought dinner for himself. He went to a gig last night, the gig ended at 11pm, I said to him finish your drink and lets head home. And he started saying no, he wants to stay out and "feel like a human being again" and started going on about how he works full time and wants to go out like he used to to feel "normal". I said to him, why doesn't he just enjoy another drink then we can go out and get a taxi and get me and bump home safe, he said "you're not disabled, you can get home yourself fine". I continued to say no (he had already spent £40.00 that night so he wanted to lift another £50.00 to stay out. I kept saying no, but he started begging and I just wanted to get myself home. So he got more money and I left. He staggers in after 2am and gets into bed. Tells me he was kicked out the club (but for no real reason) and I see that his friend (a member of the band has signed above his nipples...so he's had his top off, he told me he was chatting away to this girl (that was there before I left, yet when I ask what they were talking about he can't seem to remember anything.

I'm just so angry, and he drunkinly told me his mum was mad at me for saying (months before getting pregnant) that if I got pregnant he would have to stop drinking. She is mad at me for saying that as it's "selfish". Honestly, I'm fed up with him and his mother!

 

[Kaedin]

Another thing, I was working yesterday and he was off all day, so I asked him to clean the house up a bit on the Sunday morning when I was on way to work, he said theres not much needing done (I had scrubbed the house on the Saturday) and I said I know, but theres some bits n bobs that can be cleaned up/put away - also asked him to put a washing on (I had already loaded the machine on Saturday - so he just needed to add washing powder and turn on) so when I got home (alone) last night after the gig I see that he hasn't cleaned up a single thing! He left his plate from his takeaway the night before in the kitchen (didn't even bother scraping the food in the bin!!) Yes he put the washing on, but didn't even bother his backside to hang it up. Seem like I need to do everything, yet he will turn it round to make it like he is so hard done by. Does he not realise I want to enjoy myself too, I work full time, I would like to go out and have fun - but I know we have a little baby to save up for! And he just keeps saying, well baby isn't due until March we don't need to buy stuff now. And he doesn't event want to buy any baby things, he says thats what family are for, cos he expects everyone to buy everything we need for baby. Even if everyone gave us what we need (our family are very excited about baby) I still want to spend our money on things for our baby!

As you can tell, I have woken up in an awful mood, thankfully he is at work now (dying with a hangover im sure) so don't need to see him as I'm that angry I will cry if I have to speak to him.

 

[~Brandy~]

He apparently has issues and most likely they are addiction issues that have built up over time.

He needs to quit drinking all together and not just cut back. 4 drinks in a day is binge drinking.

I wish he wouldnt disrespect you though thats very sad.. You deserve much better I am sure and the baby does too.

 

[Kaedin]

I doubt there is anyway I can say how I feel to get him to cut down, as he always turns it like I'm being selfish and nasty to him. He kept saying last night, that I was horrible for making him "beg" for more money to stay out later on his own.

He keeps saying how we used to drink alot before getting pregnant, and I said I know we drank often but now we have a baby on the way. I realise my responsibilities and my own priorities - and baby is at the top of this list! Honestly, wish his mum didn't constantly stick up and agree with him and maybe he would cut down.

 

[~Brandy~]

There is no reasoning with a person that has an addiction.. Unfortunately. My best friend had the exact same situation arise with her... she thought he would stop/slow down once the baby came because it was something they used to do on the weekends... he didn't and it got progressively worse. Luckily she split from him for 2 months and he got help and hasnt drank since so they are back together.

I wish you the best and hope he realizes what he has before it comes to that.

 

[Kaedin]

I hope it doesn't come to that, we planned baby so I have no idea why he acts so uninterested in baby! It's very hurtful, I've said to him before he needs to cut down as he cannot drink this much and often once baby is here, but he didn't even seem to take it seriously.

But there is no way I would leave him alone with baby after a few drinks, even if he's not drunk I don't want my precious little one to be left with someone who isn't 100% in control of what they are doing!

 

[sbl]

Myself and Dh drank a good bit before I became pregnant with lo. We would drink at weekends and possibly one night during the week if we had something on.
However as soon as we found I was pregnant that was that. You can't continue to live the life of childless couple anymore.
Dh only drank 3 times throughout my whole pregnancy.
Its about priorities, is your oh more concerned about drinking and going out than the safety and wellbeing of you and his unborn child? That is totally unacceptable.
Tell him how you feel. Call him out on it and tell his mother to keep her nose out.
Its none of your mil's business and the fact that he whines back to her things that you have said would infuriate me.
hun you don't need crap like that from your oh, you need support.

 

[Kaedin]

He said he would walk me out to the taxi to make sure I got home alright, yet didn't even text me to check I had actually gotten home safely. If he left somewhere earlier than me I would always text him to just double check he got up the road safetly.

It does infuriate me that he tells him mum everything. And it's always really biased stuff he tells her and she then says to him that I need to "grow up", yet when I see her face to face she doesn't say anything. Always behind my back.

 

[callypygous]

Kaedin I am sorry you are going through that. I can only echo what the other ladies are saying. You are right to be upset, his behaviour is selfish and he needs to take a good look at himself and his actions.

It does sound like an addiction to me, or/and there are some feelings he is suppressing with alcohol. Sounds like you two need to have a serious chat, and you need to tell him in your relationship there are only two of you, so to stop involving the MIL! My MIL has tried to butt in on my relationship with DH and I have told him where she can get off! I know people who have divorced over interfering in-laws who were particularly bad once kids became involved, so it's something you want to stamp on the head now cos it will bother you much more once a LO is involved.

I'm sure you two will sort this out, and you're right to be dealing it now rather than after the birth. Your fears are legitimate. When I find it hard to get my DH to listen, I write him an e-mail or a letter and make sure he reads it at a time that I won't be around so he has time to think about my words, rather than impulsively react defensively.

Good luck X

 

[Kaedin]

He messaged me earlier saying he was suffering with a hangover, he has come home from work now and already drinking spirits.

I am ignoring him for the rest of the evening, otherwise I am just going to blow up with anger!

 

[sbl]

It definitely sounds like he has some issues with alcohol.
Does he usually drink during the week? I wouldn't mind a can or 2 during the week but spirits. No thats too much for me to handle. I'd loose it with him.

 

[redlemonade]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm not sure if I'd call this addiction or if it's more like dependency, but either way it sounds like he's definitely got some issues with alcohol. And by the sound of it, so does his mum. How ridiculous to be mad at you for saying your OH would have to cut down on alcohol?! Sounds like somebody needs to cut the apron strings

I'd be furious for his attitude that you can get home alone after a night out while he continues drinking!

I would have a conversation with him when he's sober and be honest about how you're feeling. Try to keep calm and not let it come out accusatory or in a blaming manner (this will only get him more offside), but let him know that you're worried about him, your relationship, and how this will affect your baby down the line.

I would also suggest talking to your GP. He/she might be able to point you in the direction of a community based addiction counsellor that could give you some advice. This may be jumping the gun a bit, but don't forget that there are groups like al-anon which provides support to family members of people suffering from dependency/addiction issues.

I hope things get better soon.