Another MIL Rant!

[lynnikins]

my MIL was the same and full of the same useless misinformed unwanted advice esp as i had big babies she was sure i wouldnt be able to feed them and keep them satisfied and it didnt help she always phoned right when one of them was crying for a feed at 11pm at night and i was on the way to get them, so she insisted they were starving!! ( how she was to know that from another country never having met my children i dont know ) yet here i am 12 months on feeding EJ with my small boobs and hes not had a FF since the one they tried in the hospital caus i was so ill that he then threw up for 24 hours

tell your MIL that FF your LO could screw up and mess up her gut and make her extremely ill!! and to keep her big mouth shut in future and to stop looking at your breast size caus its pervy

 

[starlove123]

Thank you, everyone. I wish I could remember all your user names and thank you personally. xxxx

I've been really down about this since she sent it. I don't know if I've posted other MIL-related problems on here previously, but since I've had LO she's made it so fecking difficult for me and put a dark cloud over what should have been a really happy time. Well that's not strictly true, it has been a happy time, but her unsolicited advice and in-your-face-ness has always been at the back of everything and has meant I've not been 100%.

I'm starting to feel a bit depressed by it all. My OH whilst lovely is a wet lettuce when it comes to his Mum and whilst he says he understands my worries, he never seems to be there when anything negative happens. I feel like I'm being judged and have to do the right thing all the time because of all the pressure his family have given. I had a c-section and wasn't even able to slob around feeling crap because she was here checking on things. She was outraged on Sunday because I wasn't cooking "a hot meal"!! I barely get time to eat a packet of crisps, let alone plan a hot lunch every fecking Sunday. So right from day one I've been fully dressed with hair and makeup, trying to figure out the baby stuff and be the perfect housewife and daughter-in-law and I'm pissed off with it.

I'm sick of feeling like the reason my LO wakes up to 4 times in the night is because of my failings. I can see her chain of thought - baby keeps waking because she's hungry, therefore my small boobs aren't giving her enough milk, but then she surely wouldn't sleep in the first place if she was hungry? Why does it have to be my fault all the time?

I usually take LO to see them once a week on Thursday and I skipped it this week and they had the good sense not to ask why. I have also closed the curtains and locked the door and ignored the doorbell. I have to see them on Sunday and am going to play it cool with them. One of my friends suggested telling them I have PND just to get a break from them and I'm considering that. I hate this self-doubt that they've put in me and I'm sick of the guilt they make me feel.

They've had their babies and now this is my turn and I've said to OH that they're not my priority any more and are not going to dictate anything I do and I'm not going to fit around them or bite my tongue any more because it's now starting to effect me and then in turn, LO.

Thank you once again! xxxxx

 

[lynnikins]

you need to do whats best for you and your daughter hun and it that means shutting out the in-laws for a while then do it, i went through a phase of not answering the phone if i knew it was my MIL calling caus i didnt want to deal with her crap. do your best to put whats happend and been said in the past and take it from me that your doing a great job with your daughter. Last night my boys woke up not from hunger but just caus they wanted cuddles its actually pretty unnatural for a baby to STTN as their sleep phases are normally such that they wake up to avoid starving or going without food in their sleep its a human defence mechanisam and untill your LO is able to physically feed/eat enough in the daytime then they will wake in the night for food, and i think forcing them to go longer by filling thier tummies with stodgy FF just so mum gets sleep is selfish if a baby needs milk it needs milk end of the story no matter what time of day it is.

 

[gertrude]

oh hun

If I was you I would:

have really very serious words with your OH. It doesn't need to be a row, or a heated emotional "discussion" just make it clear he HAS to step in here, because it is affecting you to an unacceptable level. That you expect him to deal with his Mum and give him a time scale to do it in. If he doesn't then it falls to you but it will be so much harder without him. (Can I slap him in the meantime?)

As for your feelings let every single thing she says wash over you. Smile and nod when she says something, don't answer the telephone unless it suits you to speak to them. Take back the control of your own feelings. You cannot let someone treat you like this (what message does that give to your kids?). You know she's wrong, we know she's wrong, but she'll never accept that. Once you have your head around that bit it would be easier for you to deal with

This isn't because of anything you've done, other than have a view of the world different to hers, no need to feel inferior at all!

 

[tommyg]

Ignore her reading between the lines she wants you to early wean / top up so either she can have a "shot" at feeding or to prove what she did with her babies was right, ie she s the one feeling inadequate because she early weaned and though formula was better.

 

[ellie]

HOW bloody awful of her! though she sounds pretty awful anyway tbh

Sounds like absolutely nothing you do would ever be right in her eyes. So that means that anything she says means absolutely NOTHING and is TOTAL BOLLOCKS. Sorry for the swearing but interfering grandparents bug the hell out of me.

Idk even if your OH would have a word, its sounds like it wouldnt be very effective, nor would she be likely to listen or change her views. I would resort to the "broken record" technique. E.g "I am doing my very best for MY baby and she is doing very well indeed. I am a great Mum. Thank you for your concern, but you have NO NEED to be worried as we are both doing very well and are happy. Now, let's talk about something else....."

And you are dead right, having smaller boobs means nothing to milk supply. It's NORMAL for babies to wake up lots, especially BF babies. She is basing this on a myth, mainly about FF babies, that they "should" sleep long stretches early on and if they don't its' somehow the mums' fault or the milk's fault or some such bollocks. It's a myth, this is not what babies do.
(My Lo still wakes up in the night for a feed at 16m though )
Also as others have said, that generation were told that formula was "better" and bf'ing was quite rare and not considered to be good for baby so they will still have that idea in their heads. So it's not even about you, its about her misinformed beliefs about something she probably doesnt know a lot about.

I really hope you can find the strength to have confidence in what a great job you are doing. Its easier said than done I know but DO NOT let these ill informed and nasty comments get to you, that is all they are, she is NOT right - you are! And you do not have to justify anything you are doing to her.

Rant over lol! Hope it gets better

 

[AmethystDream]

Thank you, everyone. I wish I could remember all your user names and thank you personally. xxxx

I've been really down about this since she sent it. I don't know if I've posted other MIL-related problems on here previously, but since I've had LO she's made it so fecking difficult for me and put a dark cloud over what should have been a really happy time. Well that's not strictly true, it has been a happy time, but her unsolicited advice and in-your-face-ness has always been at the back of everything and has meant I've not been 100%.

I'm starting to feel a bit depressed by it all. My OH whilst lovely is a wet lettuce when it comes to his Mum and whilst he says he understands my worries, he never seems to be there when anything negative happens. I feel like I'm being judged and have to do the right thing all the time because of all the pressure his family have given. I had a c-section and wasn't even able to slob around feeling crap because she was here checking on things. She was outraged on Sunday because I wasn't cooking "a hot meal"!! I barely get time to eat a packet of crisps, let alone plan a hot lunch every fecking Sunday. So right from day one I've been fully dressed with hair and makeup, trying to figure out the baby stuff and be the perfect housewife and daughter-in-law and I'm pissed off with it.

I'm sick of feeling like the reason my LO wakes up to 4 times in the night is because of my failings. I can see her chain of thought - baby keeps waking because she's hungry, therefore my small boobs aren't giving her enough milk, but then she surely wouldn't sleep in the first place if she was hungry? Why does it have to be my fault all the time?

I usually take LO to see them once a week on Thursday and I skipped it this week and they had the good sense not to ask why. I have also closed the curtains and locked the door and ignored the doorbell. I have to see them on Sunday and am going to play it cool with them. One of my friends suggested telling them I have PND just to get a break from them and I'm considering that. I hate this self-doubt that they've put in me and I'm sick of the guilt they make me feel.

They've had their babies and now this is my turn and I've said to OH that they're not my priority any more and are not going to dictate anything I do and I'm not going to fit around them or bite my tongue any more because it's now starting to effect me and then in turn, LO.

Thank you once again! xxxxx

A few points. You are not in the wrong here. Not one bit. Don't for a second let anybody, never mind 'family', make you feel like you have been.

You are a woman in her own right, a wife and a mother, you are not a robot and, thank the Lord, you are not your MIL.

Don't for a second think that you have to lie about something like PND in order to get some breathing space. I understand your friends intention in suggesting it but it is not the way to go. Don't lower yourself to her level or allow her the satisfaction of having something to hold over you. Believe me, saying that you had PND would provide nothing more than ammunition for a woman who's mission in life appears to be to undermine every role in your life that you undertake.

Like it or not, you have to be very truthful and strong now. Not only for your sake but for your LO too. OH has to step up to the plate and make it very clear that the way you have been treated is completely unacceptable. That as a family unit you will not allow it to continue and until you get a sincere and heartfelt apology for their actions and comments, you will be removing yourselves from their company.

This and only this will solve what you are going through.

Do you want to know why her ridiculous expectations are complete nonsense? Because she has no right to have them of you, never mind force them upon you.

Repeat to yourself, you have a new mantra...

I am my own person, I am a grown woman. I am a good Mother and a good wife.

Talk to your OH, you need to resolve this as a family, for your own sake, for the sake of your marriage and for your LO. You deserve better than this but it isn't down to you to change, the problem is theirs... let them have it.

Remember....

I am my own person, I am a grown woman. I am a good Mother and a good wife.

 

[CeriB]

Complete ignorance!

It may make you want to pee your pants, but you might need to have a blow out with them to make them see sense! Screw them and their ways - you and LO are the important ones (and sometimes OH!) and they need to back off.

Good luck hun! You really are doing fab through all the poo!

 

[wishingonastar]

i can only echo the comments and support already given, but also wanted to add that expecting all babies to sleep through at your LO's age is unrealistic and ill informed...babies are not considered to be ready to sleep through til approx 9 months once solids are established. I realise some babies do before this, but typical guidelines suggest not to expect sleeping through til 9 months so she can shut her face