Another one mourning the loss of my imagined daughter!

[lauraemily17]

Yesterday I found out I'm having a second little boy, my final baby so I will never ever have my imagined little girl. The one that's been in my head since I was a little girl.

Honestly I am devastated. I've cried a lot about it in the last 24 hours. In being so upset at the feeling of loss I feel so incredibly guilty to my baby boy.

I've read through a lot of posts on here and can relate to all of them. The feeling of disappointment, hurt, shame at feeling that way.

I had 2 miscarriages prior to conceiving DS1 and it took 1 year to conceive him & also almost a year to conceive this one. I should therefore be over the moon that I have a second healthy child but the loss of my daughter over shadows it. I also now can't help but think that my 2 angels are 2 little girls that my body rejected, bringing back a lot of the feelings of loss I had back then.

My biggest fear is that I wont bond with DS2, it terrifies me, it really does. Reading through the threads though has given me some reassurance from those who say they have.

Prior to finding out this one was a boy I was feeling really connected and bonded but now I feel totally disconnected. As DH wasn't with me at the scan and the gender is based on what I saw not what I was told we're having a private gender scan at the weekend (I am 100% sure it was boy bits, when you've seen them before, you know!) I'm hoping as it's private and we get some 3d time it'll help me rebond with my newest little boy.

There's no real point to this post. Just wanted to put out there how I'm feeling I guess. Thanks for reading

 

[lau86]

It hit me quite hard and was unexpected. When we were ttc no. 2 I never been thought about gender, I obviously wasn't bothered back then.
It won't be what you imagined but will be brilliant. My youngest is only 4 months and I can already see they are going to be thick as thieves, with my oldest being the ring leader!
They will be brothers and hopefully best friends that will thank you for the gift of each other.
It's ok to be upset.

 

[Claire300]

I have 2 boys and I love them more than anything. They are the cutest little things and are going to grow up so close, I genuinely am happy that I had 2 of the same as I can already see the amazing bond they will have growing up together. That being said, I still mourn the loss of my daughter I will never have. It is always in the back of my mind, to the point where I was trying to talk my husband into getting his vasectomy reversed! That's a non starter though, I had 2 terrible pregnancies, followed by a bad birth with my 1st and a section with my 2nd so I am not keen on going through that again. I am happy with my boys, I truely am. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone! I think we are all a little guilty of imagining our own daughters, and it is hard to wrap my head around the fact she doesn't exist. It does get easier, but I know how you feel xxxx