..bit of a wreck

[Drazic<3]

Hey girls,

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say really. I had a horrible birth experience. Well, I didn't give birth to my girl really. As time goes on, I am not getting better at excepting it, but worse. I dream about it, think about it and relive it all the time. I used to be able to talk about it but now just the thought of it makes me want to run away. I can't forgive myself for it all going so wrong, but I should just be happy my sweet girl is here and fine which makes me feel all the more guilty.

I did ask for a de-brief but endless calls and chase-ups and nearly 7 months on I'm still being fobbed off. To be honest, I don't think I'm strong enough to do it now anyway.

Is this normal? Why can't I just accept I failed and move on with my beautiful family?

 

[Tasha]

You absolutely did not fail

If a de-brief is no longer an option for you, what about counselling, with them you wouldnt have to talk about the actual birth unless you wanted to, but you could talk about the emotions around your experience and how it has left you feeling now?

 

[pinkbow]

You didn't fail at all, you gave birth no matter how it happened, you still carried and birthed your baby girl I agree maybe chatting to someone to maybe get some closure on it would be worth a try xx

 

[Armywife]

Hi honey, i know exactly how you feel. I had a horrendous birth with Poppy, i won't go into detail as it's such a long story but i'm suing my hospital as they left me with permanent damage to my pelvis and as you said, i didn't give birth to her, she was dragged from me by someone who should never have been near forceps.

Anyway, i was diagnosed with PND 8 weeks after giving birth and started treatment which took the edge off, then 8 months after birth i was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is the worst thing in the world to experience (totally isolating and heartbreaking that such a special moment is ruined and you'll never get it back) and when i found out i was expecting again i can honestly say i was petrified. I had to have a section because of the damage they did to me but if i'd had to do it naturally i'm not sure i could have gone through it. I still feel as you do but i'm finding ways of coping, you need to go and see your gp as soon as you can. They can help by referring you for therapy and if you are open to it they can prescribe medication.

11 days ago i gave birth to my beautiful daughter Imogen. It was amazing, things went wrong, i lost lots of blood and the spinal didn't work properly but compared to my last birth it was magical. I can remember holding her for the first time and i WANTED to hold her, i could smile when i looked at her afterwards and i have an amazing bond with her already.

Things will get better, but you need help. Pm me anytime xxx

 

[Drazic<3]

Thank you so much for your kind words girls. Big Tasha, I will look into that thank you sweetheart

Armywife, thank you for sharing your story, that is so kind of you. I am so pleased to hear that your experience with your new baby (both girls have such beautiful names!) was so much better for you. Thank you for making me feel like it won't be forever. I am so sorry you had such a horrible experience. I had no idea it was so sadly common before having Melody, I think you grow up trusting hospitals and medical professionals and when you are let down so badly it feels like a violation on so many levels.

I have told my HV I am not really coping and she kinda just fobbed me off. She said she will continue to push for my de-brief but that there is nothing else she can do. Honestly, I wouldn't have even thought about going to the doctors but I am going to make an appointment. I can feel myself closing off the thoughts which I know is not going to help in the long run. I have lost 60lbs and although I very much needed too! I can feel myself slipping into problems which are all to do with closing these thoughts off. I just had no idea it could be so violent an experience. All I keep being told is how lucky I am to have not had a normal birth! lol. People don't realise what they say sometimes.

Love to you all.

 

[Armywife]

People don't think before they speak hun! I always get 'At least you didn't need a section'! I am currently waiting to have an operation to fix the damage they did to me during my 'natural' birth, i am on crutches or in a wheelchair almost all of the time and my life has been turned upside down. How is that better than having a section??? People just shouldn't comment unless they can relate other than to offer a shoulder to cry on.

Definitely go to your GP, mine told me it was more common than people realise to suffer ptsd after childbirth. They will help you, as i said sweetie, you can't do it alone, you need support. It will get better, i can't tell you how bad i felt on my bad days, i'm not sure how i got where i am today. PM me any time, honestly, even if it's just when you're feeling particularly down, it's nice to have someone you don't 'know' to talk to xx

 

[Drazic<3]

Oh hunny thank you so much. The same the other way round, anytime. I am truly sorry you have been through so much. Thank you for sharing with me That truly is having your world turned upside down I hope you are not waiting for your operation too long so you can continue your journey of healing hunny. You are so strong

It's the same as the 'the baby is here and that's all that matters' comment. Of course, now I feel double whammy rubbish for seeming like I don't appreciate my baby when they are my world, and for being made to feel like my wellbeing is simply secondary to everything! You are right, they don't think. I know people are trying to help, but it's probably better to say nothing at all!

 

[shambaby]

long time no see, drazic

sorry to hear you are struggling so much with your birth experience, it is awful that what should be such a magical memory is haunting you so badly. but you shouldn't feel guilty, and you didn't fail - you grew a beautiful, healthy baby girl who i'm sure has also brought you a great deal of joy. that said, i do understand to some degree - i felt very much like a failure for quite some time, as i didn't even manage to get into labour and had to have a c-section. what helped me was to keep reminding myself that when i started out ttc what i wanted was a baby - not a birth. for me that helped put things in perspective and i was able to move on. obviously, our experiences and how we deal with them are different, and i hope i don't sound like i'm saying 'pull yourself together and move on' - that's not my intention at all.

i hope you can find the help you need to deal with how you are feeling x

 

[Drazic<3]

Thank you sweetheart. How are you and bubs!? I'm sorry, it's been far too long. What a way we have come hey?! I really appreciate your advice and I'm really glad it's helped. I think I will be loads better when I get my debrief and have all these unresolved issues cleared up in my head.

 

[lozzy21]

The "Shes here safe and thats all that matters" comment makes me want to punch people.

 

[booflebump]

Oh lovely Have you written to your supervisor of midwives/head of midwifery for the area about your debrief? xxx

 

[Drazic<3]

Loz chic so agree.

Thanks Boofs hun (OT, blimey you are TEAM! Well done my dear ) I spoke to a different HV and she said I needed to write and stir it up because they are clearly going to keep ignoring me otherwise. I know they are busy, but I think someone just taking half an hour to get my notes in nearly 7 months is not unreasonable!

It's so weird. I want to be over it, but I just can't be. I wish I hadn't planned so many natural things because it went so in the face of everything. I keep reliving it in my head; saying no to the section, rejecting it all and having my natural birth but it just never would of happened. I couldn't give birth to Melody as she was poorly and stuck. I also feel so angry when I hear people talk about non-emergency emergency sections because I feel like I am being put in with them, and being consider lazy and lucky which is unfair on everyone!

Ugh, I'm just angry and sad and stupid and I should pull myself together for the sake of my beautiful daughter. I just can't stop thinking about it, I feel like I've been attacked, however stupid that sounds! I am really struggling with my eating too and it's all related, I'm relapsing and it's all because of one stupid day that I need to grow up and get the hell over!

 

[shambaby]

my hospital stopped using the term 'birth plan' in their notes and changed it to 'birth preferences'. it might sound silly, and like they are both the same thing, but it was about shifting expectations and taking the pressure off a little. yes, it must be a lovely experience when everything goes well and a woman gets to have the birth she planned, but for a lot of us it just doesn't work out like that. there is so much pressure to do things 'properly' that people forget the reason why midwives and doctors intervene in childbirth in the first place - to save lives!

what you did when you agreed to the caesarean was not a failure at all - you did the absolute best thing for your baby at great cost to yourself and in my book that makes you a very brave person and a fantastic mummy. you should feel very proud of yourself x

 

[lozzy21]

Can your HV not arrange some counselling hun? Feeling like you have been attacked is not silly at all, if we take out the fact they were doing what they did to save our babys it would be classed as assault. Sometimes our brains concentrate on what was done rather than why and its only through training our brains to concentrate on the why that we can "move on"

 

[Emzywemzy]

Hi hun

First of all massive I can't really give you much useful advice but I can say that I completely get it. Although I did have Holly vaginally and I didn't have anywhere near as bad experience as you did, it didn't go to plan and it REALLY bothers me. Like stupidly bothers me and I feel so upset about it still. I go over and over it and I can't even remember half of what happened and it bothers me so much. Basically I was in labour for a long time, they wouldn't let me have a waterbirth which I had requested or even an 'active' labour using the birth suite, they confined me to the bed area (I tried my best not to stay on it!!) as I was strapped up to 2 monitors... and not because there was anything wrong, but because I am overweight. After labouring for 22 hours, I pushed for 2, confined to the bed (which is not what I wanted!), tore badly and was taken straight to theatre, given a spinal and stitched whilst Holly stayed in the delivery room. I was gutted. My first attempt at breastfeeding was 4 hours after the birth, lay flat on my back whilst recovering in a corridor, it's no wonder that I had problems with breastfeeding really! Anyway, I'll stop banging on now, I just wanted to say that I understand. You have these ideas in your head about how it will be and if you are anything like me then you will have gone over and over it in your head before the big day, only from it to be snatched away from you.

Also, birth is a traumatic experience, both physically and emotionally, especially in your situation and it is no wonder you feel the way you do hun. Perhaps you are suffering from PTSD or similar and maybe talking to a counsellor or finding a support group might help? Whatever happens though hun, it will get better and you've always got us to talk to

xx

 

[Jenniflower]

Can your HV not arrange some counselling hun? Feeling like you have been attacked is not silly at all, if we take out the fact they were doing what they did to save our babys it would be classed as assault. Sometimes our brains concentrate on what was done rather than why and its only through training our brains to concentrate on the why that we can "move on"

I agree with this, I once was trying to describe it and said I felt as thought I've been raped. I was held down on an operating table while they tried to get a spinal in me all while I was in so much my body just shut down and I passed out.

Sometimes I have great days and feel I've really gotten past it. Then there are other days, like tonight, where I'm up at 4am because I'm having panic attacks and I can't stop crying.

I keep dabbling with going to see a counselor or not. Because like I said sometimes I feel like I'm fine so what's the point. But then I read situations like yours and I realize maybe it's best to deal with it now and not later. I would say the same is true with you as well though. Maybe you could try and see someone about it now rather than 7 more months down the line. Oh and in regards to your notes you should just order a copy of them. That's what we're doing. It's costing us like £50 to get them but I know it will be huge to have them there so I can look at them whenever I need to.

 

[vickie83]

There's lots of useful info on the birth trauma association website. If your HV is a bit useless try speaking to your GP.

 

[Tulip]

Katie babes you absolutely did NOT fail the Moosh. I remember your labour clearly and I felt for you so much... all those days without sleep could in no way have prepared you for birth.

She and you are both amazing, but you definitely need some support in order to not fall back into old habits. Defo see your GP and push the SOM for that debrief. You will one day feel better and not feel this pain. Melody loves you SO much for bringing her safely into the world xxxxxx

 

[Tegans Mama]

I haven't read all the replies, but I think it sounds like you might have post traumatic stress syndrome. I have it too - my birth was horrifying. I would go back to your GP and discuss it and see if you can be referred for councilling.

You didn't fail hun. xxx

 

[Drazic<3]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies girls. You got me in tears because the support is just overwhelming, and it's such a relief to hear that it's okay to feel like this, not just a 'get over it' comment. Also, I hate the thought that so many of you feel the same way. Huge, huge to all of you. And thank you so very much for taking the time to leave your kind words, honestly it means the world to me.

Thank you Sham hunny, you are a sweetheart - I think that simple change in words makes a huge amount of sense. It implies that it it just aspirational rather than something set in stone. I think all hospitals should adopt that.

Loz hun I am so sorry you had a bad experience too. Thank you for sharing. It did feel like an assult. I was listening to people talk about their c-sections at a baby group today, all of which were emergency (not cat2, but still emergency) and how it felt like 'gental pushing' and it just sounds like such a different experience. Mine hurt like hell, I felt like I was being beaten to death, not in a melodramatic way but really like I was being forced inside out.

Emzy, that sounds lile a horrible experience hunny - I am sorry you had such a bad experience too. You are so right about the ideas in your head being torn away, I had no idea how horrible that could be. If you ever want to talk hunny I'm always here to chat.

Jenniflower, huge too hunny. I think you should reach out sooner rather than later. I can honestly say it hasn't got easier by itself, but I have been told the sooner you start healing the quicker it happens. Can I ask how you went about ordering a copy of your notes? Sending love -x-

Thank you Vickie I will check them out

Oh Tulip sweetheart, you are absolutely lovely. Thank you

Thank you too tegans mama. I really hope your healing from your experience sweetheart

I am going to be brave tomorrow. Ring the GP, try my HV one last time and let her know that if I don't get a reply this time I am going to have to unfortunatly contact someone more senior to try and get things resolved. Fingers crossed. Will keep you all updated. Please keep posting, we can support each other