Boyfriend says we have to wait ten years

[PearPeachPlum]

Hi all,

My boyfriend has told me that he wants to wait ten years to settle down i.e. move in together, get married and have a baby.

I have been waiting five years for him already. Can I wait another ten all alone?

 

[FAR]

Hi.

Do you mean that he won't do any of them until 10 years pass? Maybe he's got it into his head that once you move in together then the other things have to follow straight away but he doesn't feel ready for that? If you are okay with not having them all at once, could you maybe sit down with him and talk about it - like letting him know that if you move in together that would be your goal for now [or whenever you want to move in], and that is what you would be focused on and it wouldn't necessarily mean that you'd need to get married/have children straight away?

I do know it is really difficult when your plans don't meet up though. My OH really wants children, but because of various reasons [mainly health related] he doesn't know when, if ever, he'll be ready. It can be really hard to deal with, as I know I would want to start a family much sooner than him. But at the end of the day my decision is that I wouldn't want a family without him anyway.

Maybe you can chat to your OH and see if there is anything you can compromise on? At the end of the day you have to do what makes you happy.

 

[Eleanor ace]

How old are you both? If you guys were young (say late teens) I could understand him saying he wanted to wait 10 years, although I can 100% see why you wouldn't want to! As you guys have been together for 5 years him asking for another 10 years to settle down seems excessive. Most people (at least in my experience) have at least moved in together after 5 ears- it sounds like you've been more than patient! Obviously he might change his mind- a lot can happen in just 1 year, people can go from thinking of kids as a maybe, way down the line, to wanting to ttc. And if he is young then that's probbaly more likely. But I would be very cautious. A friend of mine was with her OH for 11 years. He knew she wanted children and kept fobbing her off, saying they would make a plan once they'd earnt a certain ount, reached a certain age etc. When she hit 31 he told her he didn't want children and never would (he was older than her too). She was devestated (of course) and ore so when he said that he thought once she hit 30 she'd feel too old to have children and basically wanted to trick her into staying with him and not having kids, despite knowing she was desperate for them. Pure selfish. Luckily she is with a lovely man and has a little boy now. But yeah, I would worry about that happening. If you think you can wait longer then I'd "counter offer"- explain that you absolutely do want children and that you aren't willing to wait so long, say that you want to sit down in 1/2/5 years and re-evaluate how you both feel and where you go from there. Obviously the decission to have a child has to be both of yours but that doesn't mean you have no say in when it happens or what you can do to make it happen sooner.
Good luck!

 

[PearPeachPlum]

How old are you both? If you guys were young (say late teens) I could understand him saying he wanted to wait 10 years, although I can 100% see why you wouldn't want to! As you guys have been together for 5 years him asking for another 10 years to settle down seems excessive. Most people (at least in my experience) have at least moved in together after 5 ears- it sounds like you've been more than patient! Obviously he might change his mind- a lot can happen in just 1 year, people can go from thinking of kids as a maybe, way down the line, to wanting to ttc. And if he is young then that's probbaly more likely. But I would be very cautious. A friend of mine was with her OH for 11 years. He knew she wanted children and kept fobbing her off, saying they would make a plan once they'd earnt a certain ount, reached a certain age etc. When she hit 31 he told her he didn't want children and never would (he was older than her too). She was devestated (of course) and ore so when he said that he thought once she hit 30 she'd feel too old to have children and basically wanted to trick her into staying with him and not having kids, despite knowing she was desperate for them. Pure selfish. Luckily she is with a lovely man and has a little boy now. But yeah, I would worry about that happening. If you think you can wait longer then I'd "counter offer"- explain that you absolutely do want children and that you aren't willing to wait so long, say that you want to sit down in 1/2/5 years and re-evaluate how you both feel and where you go from there. Obviously the decission to have a child has to be both of yours but that doesn't mean you have no say in when it happens or what you can do to make it happen sooner.
Good luck!

We are 23. He doesn't want to live together or doing anything until a decade has passed.

 

[modified]

I think you need to think about whether you want to wait 10 years to move in and have a family with him.

Personally, for me, it would be a deal breaker - no matter how "perfect" the guy was, I could not wait 10 years after already having had to wait 5. What happens if, in 10 years, he says "let's wait another 5"?

I find these threads sad... a lot of men say "this is it and the way it's happening" with no compromise with their OH at all

 

[sequeena]

Yeah to be honest if you've been together 5 years and he wants to wait another 10 before moving in I don't see your relationship going anywhere. I'm sorry I'm so blunt but he's being completely ridiculous!

 

[slg76]

Yeah to be honest if you've been together 5 years and he wants to wait another 10 before moving in I don't see your relationship going anywhere. I'm sorry I'm so blunt but he's being completely ridiculous!

I hate to say it but I agree ^^^ You deserve to be with somebody who wants to build a life with you. To me, wanting to wait ten years implies that he is not fully invested in this relationship. I hope you work something out with him or move on to find somebody who wants a more similar lifestyle to what you want. Good luck!

 

[tverb84]

I couldn't wait ten years to have children. Five maybe but ten would for sure be a deal breaker for me. Also, not wanting to live together after ten years seems a bit weird to me. I could understand not living together when you first date but after a certain # of years I would live with my oh.

 

[Samiam03]

Okay, I could understand if you guys were 15 that he would want to wait 10 more years but you said you are both 23...10 years is EXTREMELY excessive at that age! I could maybe understand 5 or him saying he wanted to wait until finances are better but 10...yikes! A lot can happen in 10 years. I would consider if this is really what you want...what if you are 33 and he pushes back the date again because he isnt ready? That is a lot of wasted time that could have been spent finding someone who is more serious about settling down.

I think this is a scenario where you need to sit down and decide if he is REALLY the right guy for you. I know you probably love him and trust me I know how painful it can be to walk away...but sometimes it is for the best for BOTH of you.

 

[jaspie]

I'm afraid I have nothing else to add, being 33 before you even move in together is ridiculous, plus then you'll have the house to sort, a wedding to have (if you're doing it that way around) before you can even start ttc. It's completely unreasonable.

I know how hard it is when OH is not on board with having children, when we met at 22 he was unsure and its been pretty difficult at times but now he is 29 he has changed his mind. Sometimes men just need a bit of time to grow up, there's so much difference between a guy in their early 20s and a woman. I'm sure I've felt pretty much the same since 22!
If you really want to be with him you need to make your feelings perfectly clear, he will need to compromise with you. If you've been together 5 years already is there any reason why you can't move in together in the next year and then go from there? If he's unwilling to compromise though then you have a big decision to make. Hope you're ok xx

 

[Eleanor ace]

It really sounds as though he either has serious commitment issues or just isn't as investe in the relationship as you are . Not wanting to even move in together until you guys are 33? Why would he want to live alone until then when he could be with his partner?? If you know you want children I would honestly reconsider being with him

 

[Pearls18]

I can understand the long time frame for babies and even marriage, I think some guys can freak out about the thought of children and assume because they're not ready now they won't be ready for years, most of the guys I know don't really want time limits because it is like a ticking time bomb of doom I don't necessarily think it will mean he won't be ready for 10 years, he's just wanting to put it off for now and the bigger the time limit the more comfortable he feels in this moment.

But, what I don't think is cool is the fact you can't move in together, I'm sorry but at 23 after 5 years if circumstances allow I think it's just plain weird moving in together isn't being at least discussed if not happened yet, or making no plans for it to happen as soon as possible, the fact he doesn't even want to do that screams commitment issues and something else going on (in his head I mean).

I would take each thing at a time, but the first one I would attack is the moving in, and if he doesn't want that to happen I would be having a very serious conversation as to why.

 

[MissN8]

I can understand him wanting to wait that long for marriage and babies as you are both still really young but not the moving in together that is a bit strange

 

[spicyorange]

It sounds like he just doesn't want to settle down yet, that's either because he isn't confident about your future or because he loves the way things are right now and doesn't want them to change. Maybe he knows that moving in together will change things and he is scared of that, "10 years" probably means "not yet and I don't know when" find out his fears and reassure him that moving forward doesn't mean everything will fall apart or that moving in together doesn't mean weddings and babies in two weeks time. It sounds like it's all to much for him in one go.