Breastfeeding Grief Support

[bky]

Been waffling over trying to start a group thread like this for some time, but I'm finally doing it. We'll just see how it goes.

Because breastfeeding doesn't always go as planned...

I hope to have here a place where you can:
Talk about your story
Be supported no matter what ends up being best for you and your baby(We're all feeding our babies!)
Ask advice
Rant, moan, whine, cry etc.


It's common when breastfeeding doesn't go as planned to feel a sense of loss or grief. There is no shame in these feelings though other people may not understand. It's ok to feel regret and even guilt. Just know that you are always doing the best you can with what you know at the time.


Updating this first post with some various resources:
On dealing with guilt
How to give babies what they expect no matter how you feed them https://www.normalfed.com/Why/staytouch.html
Tongue and lip ties
Mothers overcoming breastfeeding issues
My blog dedicated to combination feeding and breastfeeding problems BoobsHalfFull

https://motherloveblog.com/2011/10/...cessful-breastfeeding-the-second-time-around/ On dealing with the feelings and subsequent children after an unsuccessful breastfeeding relationship.

 

[becstar]

What a lovely idea. x

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

Hi, I agree - great idea. I'm still not over my BF 'failure' nearly 20 months down the line. Ruby wouldn't latch but I feel with the right support, she would have got there eventually.

 

[pinklizzy]

Thank you for this, I'm really suffering from breastfeeding guilt/grief at the moment, most feeds (FF) end with me in tears and I can't sleep even though I'm exhausted because all I can think about is how I should've done better.

 

[bky]

I cried every day for 15 weeks. After that I had some changed feelings about how we are getting on, but still a week doesn't go by without tears. I've set and met some goals, which helps, but sometimes it still all gets on top of me.

 

[pachamama]

I think this is a brilliant idea bky.

I struggled for weeks with cracked nipples, skinless nipples, thrush, mastitis and lo having a high arch and posterior tongue tie that went undiagnosed until lo was 3 months old. Even my midwife said "we've really let you down". My left nipple remains tender but essentially healed when lo was around 17 weeks old...

I never realised one could experience grief at not being able to breastfeed. I never realised what a primal urge it would be to want to feed my baby...and then not being able to made me panic, cry, angry and so, so, so tired from all the pumping. I had to take pain killers for weeks at every pump - and use nipple shields - just to pump my milk.

Even though I'm immensely proud to still be producing 90% of his milk, I still feel the need to explain myself, I still feel wierd about bottlefeeding him in public and I still feel jealous when I'm around other mums who breastfeed. I particularly hate it when they talk about the bond between them and their lo's from breastfeeding. No-one tries to make me feel this way. It's just the way I feel...

I too cried everyday for weeks/months and still do most weeks. I forget about it for days sometimes and then something will remind me of what my lo and I have lost...and it makes me sad.

On the bright side I really believe that me and my son are developing a really lovely loving and trusting relationship and he is growing and developing extremely well, so he's doing much better than me. It really never occurred to me when I was pregnant that I would not be able to breastfeed, so this has all been a terrible shock.

Thanks for setting this up and let's all give each other a break and lots of love. We're all doing our best no matter how long we bf for or even if we decided not to. I think there are many complex reasons out there that we should not pre-judge. Thanks for listening.

x

 

[bky]

I've developed post traumatic stress surrounding having my baby weighed. I can weigh her myself at home but I still get palpitations and anxiety when I'm supposed to take her in for weighing. From outside it seems silly even to me. I'm not really sure what to do about it. I just keep weighing her at home every week so I won't have any surprises.

 

[RiverSong]

This is a great idea

I too failed at bf after three months. I wasn't producing enough and I got sick and had to stop bf for a week or so and i just never caught back up.

Now sometimes when he cries he nuzzles as though he's rooting and I seriously want to latch him on. I feel like i'm cheating him out of milk :*( maybe i can restart when baby two comes along and tandem feed? xxx

 

[trumpetbum]

Great idea. I could really have used this kind of support with my first LO.

 

[bky]

Here is a resource I've found helpful in dealing with the guilt and regret.

https://fearlessformulafeeder.blogspot.com/2010/11/on-letting-go-of-guilt.html

I have some more, but they mainly pertain to my personal issues (low supply), and this one is more general. I like that blog in general as I find it cathartic to know I'm not alone in having problems and emotional pain (my story is Dec 17th).

Also, big to all.

 

[kattsmiles]

Oh thank you so much for making this. My son was nearly hospitalized for severe jaundice and experienced 12oz of weight loss (which he still hasn't gained anything back at 8 days old) and am having to top-off with formula. My milk didn't come in until day 5 either. The guilt I have every time he gets a bottle of formula is tremendous. I hate that we all have to feel this way. It really shouldn't be like that, ya know?

 

[becstar]

I've developed post traumatic stress surrounding having my baby weighed. I can weigh her myself at home but I still get palpitations and anxiety when I'm supposed to take her in for weighing. From outside it seems silly even to me. I'm not really sure what to do about it. I just keep weighing her at home every week so I won't have any surprises.

You don't HAVE to take her, hon. They can't force you.

 

[fairypop]

This thread is a great idea, I am still very upset over not being able to BF and it is really hard at times, mainly when he is screaming for food and I can't deliver it fast enough, or people make comments...or I read how great BF is, which I know....

 

[Seraphim]

Great thread bky x

 

[bky]

Coping tip of the day: You can love babies with out involving your breasts. Set a goal to do something special and loving with your child every day and be proud of yourself when you meet that goal after 1 day, after a week, after a month...

 

[jojo_b]

Great thread. I hate the guilt we're made to feel...I SO wanted to BF my baby and really struggle with my guilt that I didn't manage it. Feel like I've let him down and still can't bear seeing girls' signatures that have the little cow on that says how long they've been BFing...makes me guilty and jealous all at once. Would love to not feel like this.

 

[bky]

I find I'm not jealous of breastfeeders, but more of anyone who never had to make the 'choice' to do something they felt strongly they didn't want to do. So, equally jealous of exclusive BF's and those who chose to FF.

 

[Nic1107]

Thanks for this thread! I'm coping much better now that Carmen is nearly a year old, but it was such an awful shock when she refused- point blank, ever- to latch and the wounds were raw for a long time. People just don't understand... and then they lay the guilt back on you! Honestly, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard "No one can make you feel guilty but yourself" I'd have a mansion by now.

That and the old gem "If you're comfortable with your choice, why feel guilty?" Well, because we didn't make the choice and we're not comfortable with it, derp! I managed to express for about three weeks, give or take (probably take). The milk was there, I produced loads actually, but Carmen had no idea how to access it and went into full-on screaming panic mode when we'd try to guide her. Combined with a poor latch and weak suckling, completely flat nipples, and the fact her mouth wasn't big enough to fit around the nipple without help- help that scared her- it was like trying to climb a mountain. Covered in ice. And butter.

I know BFers don't have it easy everywhere in that some people treat them like they're disgusting or doing something inappropriate- but I admit to feeling less than sympathetic sometimes when people are complaining that someone stared at them for a second, or asked them if they're 'still breastfeeding' and it annoyed them. After all- when you're successfully BFing, you can take rude comments with a grain of salt knowing that you're doing what you feel is #1 best, you got what you wanted, and if it gets too much there's an alternative which is your choice to make. But if you're forced into FF- where do you go from there? There is no alternative, there's no acceptable 'next step down' (aside from not feeding, which is unthinkable), there's no triumph or pride to fall back on when we've had a bad day or a negative comment. There's just... dealing with it.

Not to sound mean or anything but since I think this group could be a real help for new moms dealing with what we're dealing with... I hope we get left alone. If you know what I mean.

 

[bky]

I do. I worry that I'm not the best person to have started, and thereby keep going, this thread because I think I might be viewed as successful. I mean, I guess I am, but I hardly ever feel that way. As you say, after a while it just becomes a matter of getting by. Like I'm in some kind of limboland. I'm not 'really' a breastfeeder because I give my baby formula out of necessity, and I'm not 'really' a formula feeder because of the way I do it. I see people posting about being sad because they had to give formula as a one off or something and how they cried and felt really awful about it and I think...yes, try feeling that way every day.
BUT! It is important to realize that breastfeeding grief is real and so many people turn inward because it is isolating.

 

[Nic1107]

Yeah, I totally get you. I can't read those posts, they do my head in. I love how people will say to our faces "Oh, don't be silly, you're doing the best you can, it's not like you're harming your baby!" and then in their own post it's "OMG I had to give him formula, I've harmed my baby!" I sympathize with them doing what they didn't want to have to do, but come on. Or better yet "Oh don't let anyone make you feel bad, you shouldn't be devastated if you tried your hardest" and then you ask them, what if they couldn't breastfeed? "Oh, I'd be devastated!" Or even worse: "Well, I'd never let that happen!"

It's a tightrope, man... you don't 'belong' on either side, you get yelled at by both sides because your feelings may offend them, and they always talk about offending each other when it's really us that are usually absorbing all the shots.

Good God it felt good to get all that out! I just wish people would think objectively about sensitive social interaction before they say certain things, like the way we're constantly told to look objectively at the facts before we react to anything. *sigh*