Breastfeeding Grief Support

[Nic1107]

Lovely pics, mrsraggle.

 

[bky]

How special It's so nice that you have those.

 

[Seity]

:wave: Hi ladies. This is my story:
I combo feed due to low supply. My LO is 10 months old and we have been combo feeding for 7 of those months.
I come from a family of breast feeders and it never occurred to me that I might not be able to exclusively BF my son. I knew how to get him to latch, I had my pump for when I went back to work and I didn't suffer from the 'lack of support' I often read about in this forum, my body simply can't produce enough milk for my baby.
It produced enough that he got what he needed in the first few weeks, but as he needed more milk, I simply couldn't produce any more. I tried fenugreek, blessed thistle tea, oatmeal, beer, etc. He was on my breasts practically 24/7 in the hopes that my boobs would get the message and make more. At 3 months, he was diagnosed with failure to thrive. He was only 8lb 9oz and he was suffering from green diarrhea as his body started passing the bile from his small intestine. This may have been the lowest point in my life. I felt like a complete failure that after doing everything, my poor baby was actually starving to death.
He gained 14 oz in just one week of combo feeding and his stool immediately went back to normal.
I never had a latching problem, but I did suffer through constant recurring blocked ducts until I discovered lecithin. I sometimes wonder if that was a contributing factor in my low supply.
Because I make some milk, I'm very lucky in that I can still breast feed him at night. It takes 30-40 minutes and he wakes up at least 3 times a night to eat, so I don't get a lot of sleep; however, that seems a small price to pay in order to give him that breast milk. I feel very strongly about the benefits and so it still bothers me that I have to give him formula even when I know in my head that he'd be a lot worse off without the formula option existing.

 

[Belgiansunset]

Hi everyone, thanks for starting this thread. I've only just discovered it, wish I had known about it before. Just before Christmas I gave up breast feeding altogether so Ellie is now exclusively formula fed. I am more ok with it now but at first I felt tremendously guilty. Every so often something will happen that brings those feelings back. Like last week, when I took her for her jabs, they have to ask you how your're feeding and when I saw that 'not at all' box ticked under breast feeding in her red book I felt awful, like I wanted there to be a box underneath to explain why!

My story:
In 2001 I had a breast reduction so I was never sure if I would be able to breast feed. That may have contributed to low milk supply but I actually believe that if everything else had gone according to plan I could probably have breast fed fine.

I had a great labour and birth but just as Ellie was born she inhaled meconium and so had to be taken straight to the NICU. She spent two weeks there (the worst time of my life). Although I was expressing during that time, I was too exhausted to get up in the night to do it, and I probaby didn't do it as often as I should have during the day at the hospital because I wanted to spend my time with Ellie, not in an expressing room on my own.

Once she came off the feeding tube she was fed my milk in bottles and as she got bigger they had to top her up with formula. Just before she came out of hospital we started using a private room and I tried to breast feed her. She just wouldn't latch on. My nipples are very flat and having got used to bottles she wouldn't feed from me. I spoke to the breast feeding counsellor who gave me a pair of nipple shields. They worked straight away! Finally I could breast feed Ellie, although she still needed topping up with formula.

After she came home I carried on the same way but my milk supply kept reducing (I suspect because of the nipple shields), to the point where she was having the same amount of formula whether I breast fed her first or not. I worried she was using more energy to get my milk out than she was gaining by drinking it.

I tried using a nipplette to make my nipples longer but they're not recommended for lactating breasts. They made my nipples crack and bleed. I hired a hospital grade breast pump and tried to express between feeds to increase my supply but I couldn't find the time to do it more than a couple of times a day.

In the end I had to make the decision to stop. I am so disappointed. There are benefits to formula feeding (for me, not for Ellie sadly). And I know she's fine and healthy and ultimately it won't matter too much. But in my heart I know breast is best, and I loved breast feeding and feel gutted that it didn't work out.

The way I see it I had three obstacles:
1. Breast reduction possibly affecting milk supply
2. Ellie spending first two weeks in hospital and getting used to bottles
3. Flat nipples

I think I could have overcome any one of those on its own but the combination of all three made it impossible. So there it is. Thanks for listening, it helps to get it off my chest. Good luck to those of you continuing to breast feed despite problems. And commiserations to the ladies who aren't able to carry on, you are not alone and at least we have this thread for a rant and a bit of support!

 

[lozzy21]

:wave: Hi ladies. This is my story:
I combo feed due to low supply. My LO is 10 months old and we have been combo feeding for 7 of those months.
I come from a family of breast feeders and it never occurred to me that I might not be able to exclusively BF my son. I knew how to get him to latch, I had my pump for when I went back to work and I didn't suffer from the 'lack of support' I often read about in this forum, my body simply can't produce enough milk for my baby.
It produced enough that he got what he needed in the first few weeks, but as he needed more milk, I simply couldn't produce any more. I tried fenugreek, blessed thistle tea, oatmeal, beer, etc. He was on my breasts practically 24/7 in the hopes that my boobs would get the message and make more. At 3 months, he was diagnosed with failure to thrive. He was only 8lb 9oz and he was suffering from green diarrhea as his body started passing the bile from his small intestine. This may have been the lowest point in my life. I felt like a complete failure that after doing everything, my poor baby was actually starving to death.
He gained 14 oz in just one week of combo feeding and his stool immediately went back to normal.
I never had a latching problem, but I did suffer through constant recurring blocked ducts until I discovered lecithin. I sometimes wonder if that was a contributing factor in my low supply.
Because I make some milk, I'm very lucky in that I can still breast feed him at night. It takes 30-40 minutes and he wakes up at least 3 times a night to eat, so I don't get a lot of sleep; however, that seems a small price to pay in order to give him that breast milk. I feel very strongly about the benefits and so it still bothers me that I have to give him formula even when I know in my head that he'd be a lot worse off without the formula option existing.

Well done for sticking with it for so long. People dont realise how hard Combi feeding is

 

[Nic1107]

There's a question I'm dying to ask the ladies on this thread who have experienced breastfeeding... I'd ask in BF section but it would be seen as confrontational when that's not what I'm aiming for, it's a genuine question to do with societal views towards BF, what it's really like and all that. Anyone mind if I ask? I apologize in advance if I come off rude but this is boggling my mind.

 

[lozzy21]

No go ahead

 

[Nic1107]

I've read a ton of posts on the BF section (nosy, yeah I know lol) recently and in the past where people say they've been just dying for someone to make a negative comment so they can say something clever back, or show a little more skin to make someone more uncomfortable...
But then in the thread next door, the same people will be lamenting the fact that people get negative comments (which they've been dying to hear?!) and claiming that they've never actually seen someone flash more skin or sit around just waiting for someone to challenge them and that those behaviours are an evil myth.

I'm really not trying to be rude but it's confusing, I mean I understand to a point but the contradictions are kind of odd. I just wonder, do people really want someone to say something or is it just girl-talk nonsense? ykwim? It's kind of counterintuitive to the goal of normalizing BF and really does come across... well all the words that it comes across like... and that's not going to help the whole 'war' iykwim.

And that's my waffle with a question mixed in their somewhere, I hope I'm not taken wrong for it but I didn't know how to carefully ask since it's not my place, but at the same time it is sort of everyone's business since we're all moms in this together.

 

[bky]

Pretty sure it's girl talk nonsense. The kind where you think up witty things to say after the fact. When you are actually in that situation where someone says something negative you are just kind of dumbfounded. Like when you hear someone make a racist comment. Did they reaaally just say that? And often by the time you can react and say anything back the moment to do so is past.
I've had people ask if I'd like more privacy and it's clear to me they are wanting me to be comfortable, not wanting to hide me away. OTOH, when I was in hospital trying to get skin to skin and nurse they kept covering me up and drawing the curtain, which I was annoyed by but to tired to do anything about. Might be different for me as I find it normal and am pretty shameless (also very pro bf culture here, have nursing in public billboards and posters up everywhere). I think a lot of people who may not be as comfortable might start out with a feeling like they are doing something a bit naughty and be tense through the feeding, so more on the defensive as it were.

Well, there's a ramble

 

[lozzy21]

I think its all talk, they probably would be upset if some one said a negative comment about them feeding and not know what to say

bky, i was the oppasit in hospital. not so much when trying to feed LO but when she was in special care and im sat there expressing, id shut the curtain and they would just walk in with out asking if it was ok to come in. In the end i used to sit there with a sheet over me

 

[pinklizzy]

I had my 6 week check today (at 8 weeks!) and had to go through all the questions about the birth which were fine but when it came to how I was feeding, I wanted to cry when I said exclusively bottle feeding. Both the nurse and the doctor were lovely, they didn't make any comment, it's just me, I feel so awful that I'm not doing the best for her I read so much about mums feeding their babies whilst they have the jabs, I couldn't do that and she screamed and screamed afterwards.
Just having another crap mummy day.

 

[NIfirsttimer]

ive debated on posting or not in this thread.... but im going for it! Im not sure if i fully belong because my guilt has now turned into anger with the discovery that there WAS a reason why it didnt work for us!

I fully intended to breastfeed Ruby, and when she was born we had loads of skin to skin and attempts to latch.. she immediatly wanted to, and tried hard to, but she would either fail to latch at all, or lose it after a few seconds. She was small (6lb) and tired after the birth, so i hand expressed onto a teaspoon for the first few hours, and tried constantly to have her on the breast. Luckily, there were some community midwives working at the birth centre where ruby was born, as they needed to witness waterbirthing, so i basically had one on one support as and when i needed it night or day for the first 2 days, and despite everything, we were no further on at all... Ruby was becoming very jaundiced, and required phototherapy, and i had to agree for her to have formula. She had 2 formula feeds from a cup, and i started to pump. Almost right away i was producing enough for her, and we still continued to have her on the breast whenever possible. We were discharged from hospital, with the pumping established, and carried on like this for months.. i pumped, and continued to try t latch her with no success at all. I had 2 different BF workers here, and a number of HVs etc, and no one could understand it. she was eager, i was eager, but it just would not work.
When she was about 6 months old she had a HUGE growth spurt and for the first time, i couldnt keep up, and had to reintroduce formula as top up. about a month later i quit pumping as i was working so damn hard to keep up with her that i was spending all my waking hours (and several in the night) pumping, and it was taking me away from her, and therefore defeating the purpose!
I struggled with the guilt for a long time, its a horrible horrible feeling, but when Ruby had her first dentist appointment and the dentist had a poke around in her mouth, and said 'oooh she has a super tightly attached upper lip frenulum' and in the next breath 'did she breastfeed?' i swear i almost dropped to the floor. there was a REASON!
she was checked and triple checked for tongue tie, but never this... depsite me having told them repeatedly that I too was unable to BF as a baby.. interestingly, i too had this attached frenulum and had to have it cut when i was about 12!
after the initial relief at realising that it wasnt something i was doing wrong, i became quite angry about it all... firstly at myself for not connecting mine with my failure to bf as a baby, and therefore checking ruby for it MYSELF, and then at the fact that not one of the super experienced (and im not saying that in a sarcastic way) professionals checked for it either... its not common at all, but im sure its not unheard of, and you would think a BF specialist would have encountered it before.....

thats starting to subside now that shes past the bottles stage... i know if BF had worked out for us i would probably still be breastfeeding her now, but its easier now that shes 18months old, and running rings around me... and most importantly, thriving!

anyway, this turned out to be wayyy longer than i intended so ill wrap it up now!
xx

 

[Seity]

NIfirsttimer
It's frustrating that the so called experts would miss something like that. At least if you decided to have another baby, there's a good chance you could BF and know what to look for if there's a problem.

 

[Nic1107]

Thanks for your answers ladies. I totally understand the whole l'esprit de l'escalier thing, god knows I've love a repertoire of witty replies I never get to use ; I just can't wrap my head around sitting there waiting to be challenged and then complaining if they get what they wished for. Eh, life.
And exposing a little more skin just to make someone more uncomfortable if they're trying to look away... ugh, not classy and really not going to help anyone disprove the (mostly completely wrong) stereotype of the in-your-face BF-ing...over-enthusiast. That actually rather upset me, since it really is quite unhelpful and potentially hurtful to the women who really would rather just be left to their business and not suffer the negativity brought unto them by a world steeped in intolerance and divided into a constant state of us vs. them.

And whoever 'we' are, here.

 

[lozzy21]

I havent had the courage to feed in public because i cant help showing a fair bit so those comments narked me because id love to be able to be descreet. Might feel different if i still had my nice pert DD instead of the monsters iv got now.

 

[Vilranda]

I get so up and down about this feeding thing. Last week I had a breakdown because I have to go back to work next monday due to money issues. I was hoping to do another week or two because I wanted to try and get more into BFing.

For a day and a half Chibi did nothing but feeding from me, expect for the night bottles because he's just too much....And then he went to go visit his grandparents over night...and he came back and I feel like we've gone back to square one. He's back to screaming on the breast, and I don't think he's fulling himself up....he's so much more content on formula/pumped milk. I can't get him on the breast 100% of the time either which is really rather annoying...

I just feel so helpless, and of course that brings on the guilt...

 

[bky]

Pinklizzy, after a bit you'll find that a mummyhug does the trick just as well. Promise! I think by 4 months I found them basically interchangeable. I cried when I talked to people about it (my Dr, HV etc) for months.

NIfirsttimer, I'm in contact with a few mums via MOBI whose babies had things like lip tie and posterior tongue tie and diagnosing the not-so-obvious tongue and lip ties has become such a lost art in the past few decades (with the rise in bottle feeding) that basically you need an ENT specialist, pediatric dentist or IBCLC before you find someone who even knows what to look for. Such a shame as tongue and lip ties are found in 15% of the population. And anger is totally acceptable! I'm angry a lot because I think about what-ifs, and if-I'd-only-knowns Not sure I would have been any better off, but I do wonder.

Vilranda in my experience with combo feeding via a bottle, breast refusal is likely to be the worst around 5-6 weeks because it's such a big growth spurt and they mainly just want milk NOW. It got a bit better by week 7+, but by week 8 for me I'd swapped to an at breast supplementer for all top ups (because of the breast refusal and also because the pumping after feeds was killing me).

 

[peanut56]

Thank you so much for starting this group! I need support too
I started a thread in the FF section with my story, so I'll copy and paste what I wrote there:

"I formula feed my baby girl. Throughout my entire pregnancy, my plan was to exclusively breastfeed for the first 2 or 3 months, then combo feed. I have absolutely nothing against anyone who chooses to exclusively formula feed from the start, I think there's nothing wrong with it at all, I just wanted to breastfeed because it's free, and because of all the benefits of breast milk.
When my baby was born, she was jaundiced, pretty badly. She spent a full 24 hours under the lights before being discharged. When they diagnosed her with jaundice, they told me the best thing I could do was to give her formula on top of the breastfeeding, because she basically needed to poo and pee it out of her system. So I did. After a couple of days, she no longer wanted to take the breast. I would try, she would suck for maybe a second or two, then start screaming. She had gotten too used to the ease of eating from a bottle, and didn't have the patience to wait for the breast milk. I tried a few things, nipple shields, I tried pumping for a couple of minutes first, but she would just scream and scream. After 3 weeks, I couldn't handle the stress anymore (on top of that, I was dealing with my husband suffering from PND, which is a whole other story), she would scream and I would cry. So I stopped trying. I pumped for awhile, but I was getting less and less and less, so I stopped doing that too eventually. So she is now exclusively formula fed.
I have tremendous guilt over this. Even though I never thought there was anything bad about other people feeding their babies formula, I cannot stop feeling incredibly guilty about giving up the breastfeeding. I feel like I failed her. I can't think about it without crying. I can't explain the situation to people who ask without crying. And I feel like people (who don't know the situation) judge me for not breastfeeding."

I really regret giving her the formula in the hospital. At the time, I felt like I had no choice. Now I know I could have continued to exclusively breast feed her...but I was just so exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed at the time. But I guess now I know for next time. (My future children will likely be jaundiced as well apparently, has something to do with my blood type and my husband's blood type.)
Anyway, I feel like a complete and utter failure. It hurts me immensely just talking about it. And I've been lectured about breast being best when asked if I'm breastfeeding and said no, by both strangers and medical professionals, which just makes it worse.
I was ill prepared for the possibility of my daughter "rejecting" me, and was taken aback by how emotional the whole thing is. I feel like I'm not able to fully enjoy my beautiful baby because I'm so saddled with guilt and regret.

 

[mrsraggle]

to everyone who needs them.

For me the guilt has eased as she passed 6 months and we were able to BLW (another choice I was determined to do in pregnancy like breastfeeding). I think being successful at BLW has eased a little of the guilt of being unsuccessful at BF. Although I still think about BF daily and get (nicely) envious if I see someone else BF.

 

[NIfirsttimer]

thats interesting... i also BLW and it was around that time that things started to ease up for me too... i hadnt really connected the two things before now!