Breastfeeding Grief Support

[lozzy21]

This thread is fantastic, great idea. There are a few reasons why i had to combi feed, all beyond my control but i still feel guilt at having to give her formula. I hate having to give formula in public cos i feel im being judged for not BF allthough you never see anyone BF in our town.

Niamh was born 4 and a half weeks early. We never got skin to skin and i dident get chance to try and feed her untill she was over 2 hours old. She had shoulder dystorcia so her birth was a bit traumatic and iv got issues with that but thats another story. By the time i had composed myself enough to feed her she had to go up to special care to have a canular put in her hand for her antibiotics, i asked to feed her first as she was nice and alert but i was told she would only be 15 mins. It was over an hour later she came back down and dident want to feed. Iv got flat nippels so she found it hard to latch but she managed to feed a few times after the MW helped her get on that first night. As she was early they had to test her blood sugars every 4 hours and around 14 hours after she was born she started getting sleepy so wasent feeding great so her blood sugars dropped to they asked if they could give her some formula to bring it back up. I agreed but said i dident want her to have it in a bottle so they sat and cup fed her but she would only take 30ml. I kept trying to latch her on but she wouldent and started to get stressed out. The BF coordinator sugested trying her at the boob, if she wouldent i was expressing the colustrum onto a medicine spoon, giving her that but i was getting no more than a ml or two and then cup feeding her formula. At 48 hours old she was admited to special care with severe jaundice needing light therepy and iv fluids. I was expressing what i could but could never get more than 30 ml. She stopped taking formula from the cup so we were left no option but to give her it in a bottle. She spend a total of 3 days on the drip and 4 under the lights before we took her home. She was 10 days old when she went to the breast again with the help of a nipple shield but she would keep coming off, nocking the shield off and then getting stressed with it so she never fed of it for more than 5 mins. There were several nights once i got home from hospital where i just sat and cryed as i felt i had failed her for not being able to feed her my self.

She has in the past few days managed to get latched on with out the shields so im working on getting my supply up and she can hopefully have less formula.

When asked how shes being fed i feel myself having to explain why iv combi feed and you know what no one apart from on here has said well done for sticking with it even though it would have been soo easy to stop.

 

[Eala]

Here is a resource I've found helpful in dealing with the guilt and regret.

https://fearlessformulafeeder.blogspot.com/2010/11/on-letting-go-of-guilt.html

I have some more, but they mainly pertain to my personal issues (low supply), and this one is more general. I like that blog in general as I find it cathartic to know I'm not alone in having problems and emotional pain (my story is Dec 17th).

Also, big to all.

Can I just say a huge HUGE HUGE thank you for posting this link.

I am sat here crying incredibly cathartic tears.

She is the first person, the very first person who has, without me raising the subject first, raised the issues of sexual abuse and how it can affect breastfeeding.

I cannot describe the incredible feeling of relief (for want of a better word) that I feel right now. Someone understands. Someone knows. Thank god, someone knows.

 

[mrsraggle]

Fantastic thread, thank you.

I was so desperate to breastfeed during my pregnancy. My mum BF all of us so I was naive and just thought I'd do it... well Ellie was eventually born by c-section after an induced labour (14 days overdue) and having hoped for a natural, active/water birth, I felt like an utter failure. I didn't hold her until ~3 hours after her birth and it didn't occur to me to get her to feed and noone told me to try! So when I eventually did at 3 hours she didn't latch and tired, I agreed she should have some formula.
Then followed two days of utter hell where I desperately needed help breastfeeding but not a single midwife tried to help me latch, just told me to hand express colostrum every hour and give it to her in a syringe. But it was taking me 45 minutes to get 0.5ml and I was supposed to do this every hour, even through the night. I eventually just asked for formula. I was too tired. Ellie wouldn't latch and every time I tried she just screamed. I cried. She cried. It didn't feel like it was worth it. Day 3 they got me to express but nothing came out and I cried and cried and cried. And then a fantastic midwife was assigned to me and, with help, I BF all day. Elated isn't the word! But that was the day I was due home and I hadn't worked out how to get her latched myself. So of course, it all went wrong as soon as I got home. Noone, again, could help me get her latched on - two midwives, my mum. So I started giving her EBM in a bottle as well as trying to BF. But on day 5 she had not passed urine for 24 hours and the MW gave me a deadline of getting her to wee within a few hours otherwise she'd have to go back into hospital and I just spiralled. I had failed her, she was poorly etc etc. So we pumped EBM and FF into her until she had a wee! Both me and DH cried!! And from that point onwards I had completely lost my confidence. She was still screaming at the boob, I was a nervous wreck - it just didn't feel worth it.

I hate myself now for not trying harder, but in hindsight, I'm annoyed that I didn't get any assistance in hospital. All I got when I asked for formula, was "do you realise that your baby will have a greater chance of getting asthma or exzema if you FF!". But at that stage I felt that I'd rather her have asthma than starve! They should've offered me help BF. I was a new first time mom and I didn't know what to ask for, what help was available to me.

Needless to say I will try and BF with #2 and will collect as much info and attend as many classes prior to the birth as possible.

This rang true with me from the blog you posted:

But just because there's no good reason for you to feel guilty, does not mean that you won't. You will feel guilty because you want the best for your child, and everything we are told is that breastfeeding is the superior choice. You'll feel guilty because you wanted to breastfeed, and you feel like you failed. You'll feel guilty because you'll read something three months down the line about someone even worse off than you who "persevered" and is still happily nursing her two year old. You'll feel guilty because you'll read articles that portray you as a victim of the system, someone who fell prey to the "booby traps", and you'll hate yourself for being so naive and weak, because every other mom around you is nursing, and the booby traps didn't catch them, so why you? You'll feel guilty because you imagined yourself as a breastfeeding mom, and here you are with your bottles and expensive powdered food which apparently can now be spiked with bugs. Good, good times.

Thanks for letting me have a little rant here and I'm sorry it's so long!

 

[bky]

This thread is fantastic, great idea. There are a few reasons why i had to combi feed, all beyond my control but i still feel guilt at having to give her formula. I hate having to give formula in public cos i feel im being judged for not BF allthough you never see anyone BF in our town.

Niamh was born 4 and a half weeks early. We never got skin to skin and i dident get chance to try and feed her untill she was over 2 hours old. She had shoulder dystorcia so her birth was a bit traumatic and iv got issues with that but thats another story. By the time i had composed myself enough to feed her she had to go up to special care to have a canular put in her hand for her antibiotics, i asked to feed her first as she was nice and alert but i was told she would only be 15 mins. It was over an hour later she came back down and dident want to feed. Iv got flat nippels so she found it hard to latch but she managed to feed a few times after the MW helped her get on that first night. As she was early they had to test her blood sugars every 4 hours and around 14 hours after she was born she started getting sleepy so wasent feeding great so her blood sugars dropped to they asked if they could give her some formula to bring it back up. I agreed but said i dident want her to have it in a bottle so they sat and cup fed her but she would only take 30ml. I kept trying to latch her on but she wouldent and started to get stressed out. The BF coordinator sugested trying her at the boob, if she wouldent i was expressing the colustrum onto a medicine spoon, giving her that but i was getting no more than a ml or two and then cup feeding her formula. At 48 hours old she was admited to special care with severe jaundice needing light therepy and iv fluids. I was expressing what i could but could never get more than 30 ml. She stopped taking formula from the cup so we were left no option but to give her it in a bottle. She spend a total of 3 days on the drip and 4 under the lights before we took her home. She was 10 days old when she went to the breast again with the help of a nipple shield but she would keep coming off, nocking the shield off and then getting stressed with it so she never fed of it for more than 5 mins. There were several nights once i got home from hospital where i just sat and cryed as i felt i had failed her for not being able to feed her my self.

She has in the past few days managed to get latched on with out the shields so im working on getting my supply up and she can hopefully have less formula.

When asked how shes being fed i feel myself having to explain why iv combi feed and you know what no one apart from on here has said well done for sticking with it even though it would have been soo easy to stop.

Well, well done!
I know how hard it is, and how much you crave some kind of recognition, and the explaining and ugh, everyone kind of looks at you funny...and it can be really undermining when people go on about all the 'risks' of formula (personally I'm quite sure formula saves more baby lives than it harms) and you just feel like...why am I even bothering to try and give my baby my milk at all? But for you, maybe there will come a time when your daughter is reaching down your shirt wanting a boobycuddle, and then you'll feel better about sticking it out.

 

[bky]

Here is a resource I've found helpful in dealing with the guilt and regret.

https://fearlessformulafeeder.blogspot.com/2010/11/on-letting-go-of-guilt.html

I have some more, but they mainly pertain to my personal issues (low supply), and this one is more general. I like that blog in general as I find it cathartic to know I'm not alone in having problems and emotional pain (my story is Dec 17th).

Also, big to all.

Can I just say a huge HUGE HUGE thank you for posting this link.

I am sat here crying incredibly cathartic tears.

She is the first person, the very first person who has, without me raising the subject first, raised the issues of sexual abuse and how it can affect breastfeeding.

I cannot describe the incredible feeling of relief (for want of a better word) that I feel right now. Someone understands. Someone knows. Thank god, someone knows.

She also does a feature called Fearless Formula Friday where people can tell their stories. I found that blog looking for low supply resources (actually via a KellyMom FB post, then I clicked a comment about someone talking about lactation failure, yay blogosphere), but it's been a great help to me.

 

[bky]

I hate myself now for not trying harder, but in hindsight, I'm annoyed that I didn't get any assistance in hospital.

I think it's certainly better to get angry than feel guilty. Being angry gets results
I remember reading your birth story as we were in 3rd tri together and you certainly went through a lot.

 

[Vilranda]

This is a great idea. Its nice to know that this feeling is shared.

I'm pumping and formula feeding, since I have low supply and having a hard time getting him to latch. Chibi would SCREAM while on the boob. Or he would suck for a while on one, but then when on the other side, scream. He ended up dropping my supply due to this. I spent many of nights crying right along with him, because I felt so bad about not being able to feed him just from. I actually prayed for him to take a full feeding from me and feel satisfied. And then that night I cried myself to sleep.

I actually couldn't believe HOW guilty I felt. I went into the birth with the feeling of I didn't have my heart set on BF, and then if I, for whatever reason, couldn't do it, then I'd pump/combie feed and it'd be no big deal.

...Oh how I found out how big of a deal it was.

I'm pumping, getting an ounce at a time...right in the morning I can get 2 or 3ozs. So I give Chibi a bottle of 3-4 ozs of mixed stuff, and then the next bottle is a full 4oz formula.

Its not what I ended up wanting but we're working on it, and even though I may of "come to terms with it", but I still feel guilty about not being able to feed my baby to the fullest that he wants.

 

[Vilranda]

Does anyone else have a sense of joy when the baby does do a whole good feed from them? Or is that just me? LOL.

Chibi did a full boobie feeding this morning after a small amount of formula since he has a hard time latching when he's starving...and I just had this overwhelming sense of joy and happiness...happened the other times I've gotten successful at him latching too, and he's taken a full feeding from me.

Reminds me I need to take a picture of him feeding on the boobie, cuz I don't know how much more of that I'll get...

 

[lozzy21]

Does anyone else have a sense of joy when the baby does do a whole good feed from them? Or is that just me? LOL.

Chibi did a full boobie feeding this morning after a small amount of formula since he has a hard time latching when he's starving...and I just had this overwhelming sense of joy and happiness...happened the other times I've gotten successful at him latching too, and he's taken a full feeding from me.

Reminds me I need to take a picture of him feeding on the boobie, cuz I don't know how much more of that I'll get...

Yes! I was extatic the first time i got her latched on with out the shield i allmost cryed

 

[CeriB]

Hey! This is a fab thread and I hope you don't mind me joining in.

I am currently in the limbo land of 'what kind of feeder am I?' I bottle feed EBM in the mornings as my boobs are so engorged and tender, I can not feed her straight until after I have expressed. I try to express as much as I can, but at the moment am only getting about 3oz a time and Erin is now nearly 2 weeks so will be needing approx 4oz each feed. I hope this improves! I am feeding her formula too, if I am out of EBM or can not get her on my breast. I have flat nipples and they are very, very sore! I have bleeding, cracked and (what looks like) torn nipples and have had stages of dread when it comes close to a feed time.

Whilst I do still BF where possible, I still feel my own guilt and judgment when I can't or I give her formula. I know that no-one else is forcing these feelings on me as my DH has said on many occasions that he wants me to stop BF as he can see what it is doing to me. He would never pressure me either way, but he can see how much pain I am in, and we are still in the early days. I have set myself a goal of 3 weeks, at which point I will re-evaluate our feeding and make a decision about how to continue. I think my problem came from not knowing anything about BFing and just thinking it would work with no issues. I did no research or reading on it and didn't ask any questions at the hospital about it until maybe too late.

Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories - it really helps first timers like me to see that I am not the only one and that babies are just as fab and healthy however they are fed.

 

[lozzy21]

Hey! This is a fab thread and I hope you don't mind me joining in.

I am currently in the limbo land of 'what kind of feeder am I?' I bottle feed EBM in the mornings as my boobs are so engorged and tender, I can not feed her straight until after I have expressed. I try to express as much as I can, but at the moment am only getting about 3oz a time and Erin is now nearly 2 weeks so will be needing approx 4oz each feed. I hope this improves! I am feeding her formula too, if I am out of EBM or can not get her on my breast. I have flat nipples and they are very, very sore! I have bleeding, cracked and (what looks like) torn nipples and have had stages of dread when it comes close to a feed time.

Whilst I do still BF where possible, I still feel my own guilt and judgment when I can't or I give her formula. I know that no-one else is forcing these feelings on me as my DH has said on many occasions that he wants me to stop BF as he can see what it is doing to me. He would never pressure me either way, but he can see how much pain I am in, and we are still in the early days. I have set myself a goal of 3 weeks, at which point I will re-evaluate our feeding and make a decision about how to continue. I think my problem came from not knowing anything about BFing and just thinking it would work with no issues. I did no research or reading on it and didn't ask any questions at the hospital about it until maybe too late.

Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories - it really helps first timers like me to see that I am not the only one and that babies are just as fab and healthy however they are fed.

Ceri do you have any nipple shields? They might be worth using for a few days to give them chance to heal. Iv got flat nipples too and couldent get LO to latch on at all at first but the past week shes got the hang of it. If your MW is still coming out id ask her to refer you to your local BF support worker, they might be able to give you some practical tips. They say the first few weeks are the worst but it gets easier

 

[CeriB]

I have tried the shield but wasn't sure if Erin was getting anything out! Sounds silly I suppose! It would take ages for her to latch on too as the shields were so much bigger! I have found that expressing has helped draw them out a bit, so will see how I get on.

I have looked around my local area for BF support groups and can't find any. I have been dicharged from MW now but the HV will be coming soon so I will ask her.

I am hoping that the problems I am having are just because it is early and Erin is still so young. Positive mental attitude!

 

[lozzy21]

The BF support workers are usualy based at your local sure start centre if thats any help.

 

[Nic1107]

I remember the feeling of pride when Carmen would have a bottle of my milk; I never knew the feeling of joy from her taking a feed from the breast as she never did.

My feelings about not being able to BF didn't start or stop at guilt- I felt rejected, confused, sad, rejected, lost, and rejected. The system didn't fail me, at least not in any obvious way- the hospital did the best they could. I was informed, I was trying, and my body was making loads of milk. But Carmen didn't want it, didn't want to feed from me, didn't even know how or seem to have the instinct to try.

That felt awful. I remember laying there in the hospital, watching in bewilderment as she screamed and screamed and turned red, stiffening her legs and arms and pushing away from my chest, shaking her head back and forth and I wondered why she hated me. I remember putting her to the breast when she was calm and had been fed already, and she was sucking on my finger so I moved her mouth to my breast- I was thrilled, thought she'd finally got it, and the nurse told me that Carmen was only chewing on me, no milk was coming out. She was right too, and Carmen got bored after a minute and put her own hand back in her mouth. I knew babies were supposed to be able to smell their mothers, to find their milk, to know who would feed them when they were hungry. So my thoughts in those early days:

Why doesn't she know me? Doesn't she know I'm her mother, or could I be anyone, could anyone be her mother? Why doesn't she understand that I love her, that I have food for her, that I'll take care of her? Why doesn't she trust me to be the one to care for her? Will it always be like that, that I won't be the one she wants? I knew she was mine, but she didn't know I was hers.

I've never told anyone that before.

 

[lozzy21]

I remember the feeling of pride when Carmen would have a bottle of my milk; I never knew the feeling of joy from her taking a feed from the breast as she never did.

My feelings about not being able to BF didn't start or stop at guilt- I felt rejected, confused, sad, rejected, lost, and rejected. The system didn't fail me, at least not in any obvious way- the hospital did the best they could. I was informed, I was trying, and my body was making loads of milk. But Carmen didn't want it, didn't want to feed from me, didn't even know how or seem to have the instinct to try.

That felt awful. I remember laying there in the hospital, watching in bewilderment as she screamed and screamed and turned red, stiffening her legs and arms and pushing away from my chest, shaking her head back and forth and I wondered why she hated me. I remember putting her to the breast when she was calm and had been fed already, and she was sucking on my finger so I moved her mouth to my breast- I was thrilled, thought she'd finally got it, and the nurse told me that Carmen was only chewing on me, no milk was coming out. She was right too, and Carmen got bored after a minute and put her own hand back in her mouth. I knew babies were supposed to be able to smell their mothers, to find their milk, to know who would feed them when they were hungry. So my thoughts in those early days:

Why doesn't she know me? Doesn't she know I'm her mother, or could I be anyone, could anyone be her mother? Why doesn't she understand that I love her, that I have food for her, that I'll take care of her? Why doesn't she trust me to be the one to care for her? Will it always be like that, that I won't be the one she wants? I knew she was mine, but she didn't know I was hers.

I've never told anyone that before.

The way the profesionals talk about BF make it out to be the most natural and easy thing in the world and its not easy, its a skill that babys have to learn and like any other skill some babys pick it up straight away, some it takes a lot of practice and some never get it. It dosent mean that she dosent love you or know your her mummy.

 

[Vilranda]

I remember the feeling of pride when Carmen would have a bottle of my milk; I never knew the feeling of joy from her taking a feed from the breast as she never did.

My feelings about not being able to BF didn't start or stop at guilt- I felt rejected, confused, sad, rejected, lost, and rejected. The system didn't fail me, at least not in any obvious way- the hospital did the best they could. I was informed, I was trying, and my body was making loads of milk. But Carmen didn't want it, didn't want to feed from me, didn't even know how or seem to have the instinct to try.

That felt awful. I remember laying there in the hospital, watching in bewilderment as she screamed and screamed and turned red, stiffening her legs and arms and pushing away from my chest, shaking her head back and forth and I wondered why she hated me. I remember putting her to the breast when she was calm and had been fed already, and she was sucking on my finger so I moved her mouth to my breast- I was thrilled, thought she'd finally got it, and the nurse told me that Carmen was only chewing on me, no milk was coming out. She was right too, and Carmen got bored after a minute and put her own hand back in her mouth. I knew babies were supposed to be able to smell their mothers, to find their milk, to know who would feed them when they were hungry. So my thoughts in those early days:

Why doesn't she know me? Doesn't she know I'm her mother, or could I be anyone, could anyone be her mother? Why doesn't she understand that I love her, that I have food for her, that I'll take care of her? Why doesn't she trust me to be the one to care for her? Will it always be like that, that I won't be the one she wants? I knew she was mine, but she didn't know I was hers.

I've never told anyone that before.

That is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can kinda understand what that's like, Chibi used to do that, but not to the extent that you're talking.

 

[bky]

I've always felt I was 'lucky' because, even though I can't make enough milk no matter what, I have a baby who latches (though I had horrible nipples for the first few weeks as well and it was touch and go for a bit after I had to start using bottles).

When I went back to work the amount I got from pumping 3 times during the day was enough to supplement the evening feed and I was so happy that my milk was in that bottle...

And Ceri they do get better at it as they get older, and their mouths get bigger too. It's really good to set small goals.

 

[Vilranda]

I hope i can get enough from pumping when I go back to work in like 2 weeks time...otherwise I might have to go full FF. /sigh.

 

[CeriB]

I remember the feeling of pride when Carmen would have a bottle of my milk; I never knew the feeling of joy from her taking a feed from the breast as she never did.

My feelings about not being able to BF didn't start or stop at guilt- I felt rejected, confused, sad, rejected, lost, and rejected. The system didn't fail me, at least not in any obvious way- the hospital did the best they could. I was informed, I was trying, and my body was making loads of milk. But Carmen didn't want it, didn't want to feed from me, didn't even know how or seem to have the instinct to try.

That felt awful. I remember laying there in the hospital, watching in bewilderment as she screamed and screamed and turned red, stiffening her legs and arms and pushing away from my chest, shaking her head back and forth and I wondered why she hated me. I remember putting her to the breast when she was calm and had been fed already, and she was sucking on my finger so I moved her mouth to my breast- I was thrilled, thought she'd finally got it, and the nurse told me that Carmen was only chewing on me, no milk was coming out. She was right too, and Carmen got bored after a minute and put her own hand back in her mouth. I knew babies were supposed to be able to smell their mothers, to find their milk, to know who would feed them when they were hungry. So my thoughts in those early days:

Why doesn't she know me? Doesn't she know I'm her mother, or could I be anyone, could anyone be her mother? Why doesn't she understand that I love her, that I have food for her, that I'll take care of her? Why doesn't she trust me to be the one to care for her? Will it always be like that, that I won't be the one she wants? I knew she was mine, but she didn't know I was hers.

I've never told anyone that before.

I am sorry you had such a hard time.

 

[mrsraggle]

Wondering if I can share these photos with you as I haven't published them anywhere before

First is Ellie's first proper breastfeed on day 3.
And second is her fast asleep with a milky beard at home. The first time she fed for a long while, and then "fell" off the boob all satisfied
Never happened again after that so I'm so pleased I got my mum to take the photo.