Breastfeeding Grief Support

[bky]

and I've been lazy about replying here, sorry.
I think you've done well to get to 5 months. I know it's cold comfort when it's not what you had envisioned, but there's no reason you can't continue on with whatever supplements or solids are necessary. It's all about alternate goals and looking at what you can do rather than the things you can't. I know that's not the happiest piece of advice when you're angry/sad at your body for failing your baby, but try not to be too sad. It's not your fault.

 

[shambaby]

goddess25, it sounds like you have done a fab job feeding your babies so far - many people would have given up first time around and not even tried the second time. you should be proud of what you have achieved. easy to say, though, and i should probably listen to my own advice sometimes. although, i find it doesn't bother me quite so much any more, so perhaps i am coming to terms with how things went and realising that, actually, i did the very best i could with the situation i found myself in.

i really sympathise with the guilt of feeding in public - i would try to plan trips out so that he wouldn't need feeding, as i couldn't bear the thought of what i imagined other people were thinking of me. i expect that, in reality, no one even gaveus a second glance. funny how it's so common for people to say they feel uncomfortable breastfeeding in public - i have wished so many times that i could.

 

[bky]

Came across this https://motherloveblog.com/2011/10/...cessful-breastfeeding-the-second-time-around/

Will also add it to the front page.

 

[MrsPOP]

Is this thread still active? I could really use support over my BF failure

 

[Aidan's Mummy]

Just wanted to say what a great thread this is x

 

[Aidan's Mummy]

MrsPOP I felt like a failure with my first. Can I help? x

 

[MrsPOP]

Hi Aidan's Mummy

Urgh, I guess I just feel like rubbish about the BF still and I wonder will it ever go away?

My story (I'll keep it as brief as I can) was that I was induced at 41weeks due to Pre eclampsia, was in labour for 36 hours, had an EMCS due to fetal distress, terrible BF 'support' in hospital, was discharged home with a drowsy jaundiced baby who refused to latch and was readmitted the day after discharge because she was really jaundiced and had lost so much weight. We spent an hour in A&E trying to feed her and she would scream in distress and frantically shake her head everytime we tried. We could hear the other patient's parents outside asking what the hell was going on it was so bad. DH said it was worse than anything he saw when I was in labour. They said in hospital they would give me more support and just stuck me on a pump whilst doing formula top ups, noone would help with latching. I tried kellymom, National BF helpline, hospital BF peer supporters, noone would come out to help, the nearest BF drop in clinic was 12 miles away and noone could take me as Im the only driver and I couldnt drive due to the C section. I kept pumping and topping up and trying to latch and she just would scream and scream. One night, I spent near 2 hours on the pump for 2oz of formula and LO refused it and just wanted formula. I was so miserable and exhausted I just gave in but hate myself for it. I feel like I mustnt have tried hard enough, even though I still tried to latch until she was about 18 weeks old and looked into relactating but she still wouldnt latch so I didnt see how I could win.

I feel terrible everytime she has a cough and a cold because I think I could have prevented that with BM antibodies. I feel like Im not worthy to call myself a mum sometimes on here and on my other blog because I see all the tickers with BF Milestones on them and hate it because I couldnt succeed where others did. I avoided BnB for quite sometime after trying to find some support and I was told by 2 BF ladies to stop being so oversensitive. I also hate seeing all the BF vs FF threads because I feel like Im being judged for FF even though I know most BF dont judge. I wonder if I have a bit of PND or PTSD over the entire thing because I just feel like crap about it. I couldnt go into labour naturally, couldnt give birth naturally and I couldnt feed my own daughter naturally.

I have been getting better but there are some days I feel like Im useless for it.

Sorry for the rant.

ETA: Oh and I used to want loads of kids but now Im terrified I will have another EMCS and a non-latching baby and feel even more of a failure than I do now.

 

[Aidan's Mummy]

Oh hun, it sounds to me like you tried VERY hard and you didn't fail your baby the systme and support networks failed you. They are meant to be there to support you and guide you. I had the same issue with Aidan I just couldn't get a latch and the moving the head from side to side sounds familur too and I know when they do that it is SO hard to get a latch. I know it's hard and you feel like you have let your baby down but you haven't. You pumped and gave your baby that precious colostrum. And you fought hard to keep at it but no one was there fighting for you. You the the saying "Happy mum= Happy baby" I whole heartly believe in that, if you had continued to try and try you would have dreaded every feed and as a result your baby would sense your mood which in turn would have a huge impact on your bond.

Also about the coughs and cold it is so easy to think what if and blame yourself but so many children get colds hun. My friend Bf'd her bvaby from birth and he still gets colds etc, it doesn't completely protect them. Plus it is good to have an infection from time to time it helps them build their immunity. Your baby is happy, healthy and thriving. In my book that doesn't make you a failure it makes you an amazing mummy who is doing EVERYTHING she can to give her baby the best start in life x

 

[MrsPOP]

Thankyou SO much. It means a lot to know there are other ladies/babies like me and Alice and we're not alone.

One of my friends on here has just had her second baby. She went through similar issues to me and has been a great support and she's managed to BF her new little gorgeous bundle. Im so happy for her and itsa made me hope that if I do have another baby I might be luckier BF wise...fingers crossed anyway!

 

[Aidan's Mummy]

I want too BF this baby and will try but I've learnt that at least I have tried if it doesn't work out this time I'm not going to spend months beating my self up again x

 

[mrsraggle]

I had a similar BF experience as you MrsPOP (induction, EMCS, poor support) but wow you REALLY tried hun. I gave up as soon as they threatened me with readmitting my daughter at 5 days old. I think you really really gave it your all and you should be proud of yourself for that.

I'm due my second in a month and I'm so much more prepared this time. I know BF is important to me. I'm going to try to VBAC, and I'm going to get support BEFORE s/he is born. Second time around mums are more relaxed because they know how to be a mum, and have more confidence. You're experience could, and probably will be a whole lot different.

Lots of hugs xxx

 

[MrsPOP]

Thanks mrsraggle, your LO is lovely

What have you done to prepare for BF this time round? And also how have you prepared for vbac? I would love to vbac (one day) but have a big fear they're going to be a bunch of b*stards about it.

 

[mrsraggle]

I've done a lot of reading about BF, and will be attending a bosom buddies meeting once a week from next week to get as much advice about BF before Titch comes as possible. Last time I naively thought it would all just come naturally! I also know how hard it is this time, so psychologically I know I will do what's best for our family as a whole and if me BF is making any one of us miserable then I will stop.

At first I thought I would have an elective c-section this time but the thought of being in hospital voluntarily for 3 days without my little girl is horrible! I'm a big big girl but they've been really supportive. VBAC has a 70% success rate so that's worth risking IMO. Because my first EMCS was due to her heart rate dropping, an infection and lack of progress there's no reason to suggest that will happen again so I'm going for it! (Well I will if baby isn't still breech at my presentation scan next week ). There's a great VBAC thread on here too that I read a lot. "Chuck" started it.

 

[bky]

Sorry I haven't been keeping up to date with this thread. I've more or less gone from B&B. I got well and truly fed up with people being so unkind or just thoughtless about those who have breastfeeding issues. So I stopped coming on here.
I'd suggest a few preparatory things. Interview lactation consultants beforehand, find out where and how you can get your resources before you're desperate.

 

[shambaby]

haven't been on here in a while, but just wanted to say to MrsPOP - yes, it does get better. or at least it has in my experience. i experienced a failed induction and a not exactly emergency c-section (neither of us were in danger, i just wouldn't go into labour, and they couldn't push it any more). i then failed to get hayden to latch. i tried for a week, until the pain was unbearable, and then started to pump. i was readmitted as i had terrible mastitis and a uterine infection, for which i needed iv antibiotics. this was my saviour, as when i was there i was seen by numerous bf specialists, none of which could get hayden to latch, but they did get me a loan of a brilliant pump, which i was able to use for 7 months. might sound like a success story, as hayden got ebm for all that time (and beyond - i was blessed with such a great supply i was able to freeze a lot), but it certainy didn't feel like it. i failed to give birth, i failed to breast feed, even when i healed i didn't try hard enough to get hayden to latch, and then i stopped expressing when i could easily have continued (i still leak at night, almost 8 months after i stopped pumping). so many reasons to feel guilty, so much failure.

BUT hayden is now almost 15 months old, he is thriving, and he is such a joy. i still feel the occasional twinge of guilt, and think 'what if i'd tried harder' (especially when he is suffering one of the many colds / viruses he seems to pick up from nursery), but really i hardly ever think about it. and when i do i know i did the best i realistically could in the situation i found myself in. and so did you. the real turning point for me was weaning. we opted for blw and i loved it. the main thing was that hayden wasn't so reliant on milk any more, which meant it didn't make so much of a difference what kind he was having, or how he was getting it. it got even easier when he stopped having formula altogether, as there was no reason to think about it.

i, too, worry about having another, in case we have the same problem - i really don't think i'd be able to express like that for the 2nd, with hayden to look after, too. but i refuse to let it put me off. it helps that we seem to have found a reason for hayden being unable to latch - it seems he has a lip tie - so i will be on the look out for it next time around. it also helps that i know it is not the end of the world if my baby has formula, and that actually the only person judging me for feeding my baby from a bottle whenever i went out was me.

be proud of what you have achieved - you grew a beautiful baby, and did the very best you could to make sure she got the best start. but if you are really struggling and think you may be suffering depression or ptsd, go see your gp - they may be able to help with counselling, or even just by listening to how you feel. i hope you can move past the guilt, because you really have nothing to feel guilty for x

 

[MrsPOP]

Thanks mrsraggle I've checked out the vbac thread

...also thanks for your story shambaby. I wonder if Alice may have a Lip tie or tongue tie that went undetected. I found a good couple of websites last night that had posts which pretty much took the words out of my mouth with how I feel about it and it's made me feel better.

I think Iv felt a bit crud about it this week because Alice has a cold and I know BF may have helped her not get it.

Ah yes the weaning. The guilt with BF is made worse because Alice has really severe reflux (although I know BF can be refluxy too) and we had to start TW at 20 weeks when I really wanted to BLW. However again on my research last night I found a good BLW that helped me realise I can TW with a BLW slant to it and I feel much better about it

thanks ladies xxx

 

[mrsraggle]

Just wanted to echo what shambaby said about weaning being the turning point. That was very true for me too. Throughout my pregnancy I was set on three things; natural labour, BF and BLW. I failed at the first two but Eloise took to BLW really well and that really helped me psychologically. I didn't fail at it all!

 

[gertrude]

MrsPOP I'm sorry you feel that you failed. Firstly I know MANY BF babies who are much more poorly than others - whilst BFing can help it isn't a guarantee so don't worry about that

I had a truly horrible time with BFing and it was BKY here that helped me understand what had happened for me. But as time has passed it just doesn't matter. My little girl is one of the happiest, funny, slightly bonkers babies around There are LOTS of things you can do as a Mum that helps them, yes BF is one of them, but I also know of BF babies who went on to eat some absolute rubbish at weaning so don't think it's the be all and end all of everything

xx

 

[gertrude]

As for weaning - just ignore all the books and go with your baby The evidence for early weaning for reflux isn't that compelling tbh.

I have had people tell me that I am NOT doing BLW because I feed her yoghurt with a spoon. She can use a spoon, and will use it for everything else, but because I can shovel the yoghurt in faster than she can she refuses to do it herself but honestly, people have said that that isn't BLW. Errrr, so when BABY leads the way that isn't Baby Led?

Some people just need to stop being so bloody idiotic If you want to do TW & BLW then do it, if you want to eat your meals together dressed only in purple then DO IT

But most of all, just make sure you're enjoying it all We won't get this time again and it's too short to spend any of it worrying about other people and their views xx