Breastfeeding guilt trip at every opportunity?!

[Rcx]

Do any of you ff mums feel like the web and all the nhs leaflets guilt trip u at every opportunity?
There's a message on the c&g and all other brands website that comes up about breastfeeding and the social implications of ff, it really upsets me! It makes me feel like a terrible mother for ff! I breastfed for the first week but it never worked for us both and I was on the verge of a postnatal breakdown from a combination of a traumatic birth, severe engorrgment and acute anemia.
I have never been made to feel bad by any midwife, HV or doctor.
I just already feel so disappointed at not being able to bf and not having the delivery and experience I wanted. I am still struggling with the limitations of having an emcs and that too is getting me down.

I just feel like its insensitive and I am prob letting it annoy me too much but just wanted to vent!

 

[LoveCakes]

I hate those messages too. I guess they are a legal thing since they wouldn't try and put customers off. I think as well legally they aren't allowed to promote or put on offer stage 1 milk and you can't use points against it.

Like you I breasted but it didn't work out. Ff was the right choice for us both but I'll always be sad it didn't happen and I don't need reminded. It's not like I could go back to breast feeding now even if I wanted.

My HV and midwife were great though. They both just asked if I was happy with the decision and when I said yes left it alone.

 

[BabyMamma93]

i was at the doctors yesterday getting LO weighed and there was a lady asking about holding her baby too much, the HV replied 'well seen as you chose not to breast feed, you wont have THAT bond with your baby anyway' this really annoyed me and she wasn't even talking to me, i tried to BF, i expressed into a flaming syringe for days, but he just wouldn't take, i feel guilty for that, but you cant even read the instructions on a formula tub without reading how much BM is better.

 

[tublet]

Yes I went through the same thing, but honestly in a few months you will laugh at all. My littler girl is 9 months, happy, healthy and we have a great relationship.

I've learnt that anyone that makes you feel bad, cut them out life is too short!

 

[felix555]

You really do get over it but the guilt those first weeks / months is awful particularly if you gave it everything and you feel people assume you just stumbled at the first hurdle.

The thing I felt most guilty about was "breastfed babies are healthier" when I moved onto formula I felt like I was going to have a baby that's sick all the time. 18 months later and my LO had only ever had 2 very mild colds.

 

[RosieRosieP]

I felt the same after switching to ff after a week of breast feeding. It just wasn't for us my LO ended up with jaundice due to the breast feeding and has thrived since going on ff.

My midwife was very negative with me about switching but after 11 hours of LO not feeding and attempting to express into a bottle and refuse it and refuse it from a spoon as well she took the ff without any hesitation.

We have a happier healthier baby who maintains eye contact with me whilst I bottle feed her so I don't see what the issue is. My HV has been extremely supportive of my decision and said BF isn't for every baby and to ignore any comments.

If we were to have another baby I wouldn't hesitate to FF.

 

[felix555]

I felt the same after switching to ff after a week of breast feeding. It just wasn't for us my LO ended up with jaundice due to the breast feeding and has thrived since going on ff.

My midwife was very negative with me about switching but after 11 hours of LO not feeding and attempting to express into a bottle and refuse it and refuse it from a spoon as well she took the ff without any hesitation.

We have a happier healthier baby who maintains eye contact with me whilst I bottle feed her so I don't see what the issue is. My HV has been extremely supportive of my decision and said BF isn't for every baby and to ignore any comments.

If we were to have another baby I wouldn't hesitate to FF.

Have to agree, for all the heartache breastfeeding caused me I'd not even attempt it again. I'm not planning on having another baby but if I did I'd go straight to formula from day 1. Bit controversial! But I'd then enjoy my baby those first days and not be back in hospital shortly after going home because my son was so jaundiced and dehydrated and getting endless blood tests to check his dehydration levels because I didn't want to just give in. Seeing lactation consultants, taking a million supplements, hiring a breast pump etc etc no thanks!

 

[wookie130]

I have learned some very important lessons about lactivists, or people who are adamant to make EVERYONE breastfeed, at all costs, no matter what the situation. First of all, they are insecure. Everyone must mirror back at them their own parenting choices, or else, they have no way of feeling adequate as a parent. The whole breastfeeding thing has turned into a lot of indoctrination, with a lot of poor research that is being used to advance the cause, with studies that are poorly conducted, etc.

The only thing that is true for every baby when it comes to feeding, is that when the baby is hungry, it must be fed. And formula is not only good enough, but contrary to what a lot of lactivists will tell you, it is actually an excellent source of nutrition for your baby.

We must stop feeling guilty for the choices we make as mothers. Aren't we tired of paternalistic, misogynistic, a-hole "experts" dictating what we should do with our bodies, our families, etc.?

Just feed the baby. Whether the food comes from the breast, or from a package, is no one's business, no one else's choice, and no one else's business. There is no wrong way to feed a baby.

 

[fieryphoenix]

Do any of you ff mums feel like the web and all the nhs leaflets guilt trip u at every opportunity?
There's a message on the c&g and all other brands website that comes up about breastfeeding and the social implications of ff, it really upsets me! It makes me feel like a terrible mother for ff! I breastfed for the first week but it never worked for us both and I was on the verge of a postnatal breakdown from a combination of a traumatic birth, severe engorrgment and acute anemia.
I have never been made to feel bad by any midwife, HV or doctor.
I just already feel so disappointed at not being able to bf and not having the delivery and experience I wanted. I am still struggling with the limitations of having an emcs and that too is getting me down.

I just feel like its insensitive and I am prob letting it annoy me too much but just wanted to vent!

I doubt its meant as a guilt trip, they are just trying to get the facts out ya know? If bf didn't work for you and you gave it your best shot, then no need to feel badly, right?

 

[Rcx]

Thanks ladies I am so glad I'm not alone and feel better knowning the feelings ease!

Fieryphoenix, I appreicate where you are coming from and I obviously don't know your circumstances but until you've experienced it I would say it's hard to relate. Failing at something that should be so natural can be a horrible feeling and then to be reminded of it at every opportunity is upsetting, especially if it has been quite a traumatic experience.
I know they are getting the facts out but I would say most mums on these website know that "breast is best" and are already battling with the emotions of failed bfing and post pregnancy hormones! I know its not easy for me to see if I am feeling hormonal!

 

[MindUtopia]

My advice would be to try not to take it all too personally. We all make our choices and we make the absolute best ones we can under the circumstances we're dealt. Not being able to BF as long as I wanted (made it 10 weeks with a baby who couldn't latch, even to a bottle, and struggled to regain her birth weight even after a month) was one of the worst things that I ever went through. I've literally never been in a darker place than I was those few weeks when I was struggling to keep going, despite my supply dropping and dropping and pumping feverishly all day and having a baby who just couldn't seem to gain weight and constantly being sick with mastitis. I was horrible and I felt so sad for myself and for my daughter that I couldn't make it work. But in hindsight, stopping was the best thing we could have done for us under those circumstances. I don't regret it for a second now even though I was heartbroken then.

The truth is that 'breast is best', breastmilk IS the best thing for babies to eat, and it can be upsetting to hear, but it doesn't mean any of us are failures. There seems to be a real discomfort with admitting that breastfeeding is the best thing while also admitting we didn't do it (and I think this is why BF and FF mums judge each other so much), but there shouldn't be. Mothering isn't about being perfect. It's about doing the best possible job you can and loving your child madly and completely. So you weren't perfect, so what? That's okay. It's okay to not be perfect. For everytime you berate yourself about not breastfeeding, there's a breastfeeding mom out there berating herself because your baby isn't a picky eater, walked first, talked first, because you seem to have it figured out and she feels like she's struggling, because you seem happier, etc. None of us are perfect and we'll always be comparing ourselves to other mums or against some ideal that we seem to think exists. But try not to beat yourself up about it. It seems like a really huge deal when your baby is little and EVERYONE seems to be breastfeeding and you aren't. In another year or so, it won't feel like a big deal anymore and you'll feel proud of yourself for all the things you feel like you have done well and the little person you are raising. It does get better. Hang in there and try not to let any of it get you down, because it shouldn't. You're doing a great job.

 

[wookie130]

How does it help women to continue to pound the whole "Breast is best" mantra into their skulls? So they can feel guilty, and feel that they aren't doing what is best for their child? I just want to know how it helps women, seriously. Are breastfed children BETTER children than formula fed children? Are mothers who breastfeed really BETTER? No, NO NOOOOOOOO! Let's quit with the mom shaming. No one is doing a lick of damage to their kids by choosing formula. In fact, research has shown that the ONLY discernible difference between a breastfed and formula fed child is fewer ear infections in the breastfed group, and also lower incidences of diarrhea. The studies that have shown that breastfed babies have higher IQ's, lower obesity rates, etc., etc., were not conducted well, and did not allot for issues such as inherited IQ from the family, educational level, genetic precursors for obesity, etc. But lactivists continue to use these "studies" to berate and belittle those who make different feeding choices. Breastfeeding is wonderful, WHEN it works, and if that is what a woman chooses, and it works for both she and the baby. But when will we begin to admit that there are times when it does NOT work? Bottle feeding is a wonderful option, and it's time we get off the backs of women and mothers, and let them decide what is best for themselves, their babies, and their families as a whole.

 

[fides]

I prefer, "Feeding is best. Breast is an option."

Yeah - I don't see why the formula packages have to say breast is best - the women who are lucky enough to not need to buy the formula aren't the ones reading that message, so it was a huge slap in the face seeing it in big, bold capital letters when i was still trying to deal with having to resort to formula in the first place. The guilt trips from the pediatrician were worse, to me, though.

 

[fides]

incidentally, just read the most recent FFF post and it completely relates to this thread - so spot on - hope some of you ladies have time to read it:

https://www.fearlessformulafeeder.c...bling-their-rudeness-perpetuates-the-problem/

 

[Rcx]

incidentally, just read the most recent FFF post and it completely relates to this thread - so spot on - hope some of you ladies have time to read it:

https://www.fearlessformulafeeder.c...bling-their-rudeness-perpetuates-the-problem/

Thanks for this! Loved the blog post. X

 

[redneckhippy]

I think it may depend on where you live, but in a lot of places there is a real lack of education about breast feeding so they need to do that because otherwise people don't even consider breastfeeding. I agree that on here most every knows "breast is best" and is making informed decisions, which is great. If you decide FF works best for you, then that's pefectly fine because you made an informed decision about what is best for you and your baby. Where I live, in a rural part of the US, I'm planning to breastfeed and I already know I'm going to get comments and people will think I'm weird. My area is low income, many young mothers, often still in high school or without much further education, and they all formula feed because I think WIC pushes formula (I know not officially, but here I don't know one person on WIC who breastfeeds) and it's free so of course these moms who don't know any better ff. Nobody tells them otherwise and these girls aren't getting on websites and reading about what's best for baby. I'm just glad when I see formula in the baby's bottle instead of Mountain Dew, but that's another issue all together...

In any event, I don't qualify for WIC just barely, so I will try my best to breastfeed because with all the other expenses I don't need to be dropping all that money on formula, but if I can't breastfeed for whatever reason, then I will make an informed decision to do what's right for my baby and find the formula that is best for my baby. But when you see all these messages about how much better breastfeeding is, please remember, they are not directed at you ladies. They are directed at these girls who live in areas like I do, whose mothers didn't breastfeed, whose grandmothers didn't breastfeed, who don't know anyone who breastfeeds, who think breastfeeding is gross, and who need someone educating them.

 

[xQuinnx]

Was reassuring to read this thread. If you can feed your baby and they are happy and health that is what is important. I find there seems to be an attitude of 'you're not trying hard enough' or 'it's natural'. I personally struggle to get little one to feed from the breast, I find it stressful and I actually don't like the sensation. Instead I express what I can and formula feed, my baby is healthy so what else matters?
It's hard not to take it personally sometimes

 

[wookie130]

The whole "you're not trying hard enough" thing directly relates to the mom shaming I was referring to. It's B.S...

I LOVE the Fearless Formula Feeder...I've been a fan of her blog for ages. Contrary to what a lot of lactivists say, she's is NOT anti-breastfeeding. She supports choices without judgement when it comes to infant feeding.

 

[sethsmummy]

I agree with you.. there is too much ff shaming! I didnt get a chance with ds1, he was a traumatic birth too and was taken straight to scbu where he was FF (i didnt even get a chance to do first feed etc). I was still numb from spinal when he was finally brought to me and left out of my reach! a mw grumpily tried twice for 5 mins to get him to latch before taking him away from me again. I wasnt given a choice. I lost the first 12/13 hours of his life and wasnt even asked how i wanted to feed him. i also produced no milk what so ever.. not even a tiny bit so i had no choice but to FF. every time i saw the messages on the tubs it was a kick in the teeth. i had people (midwives/doctors/family) tell me i was stupid and didnt try hard enough and the good old " every woman makes BM" ... i had baby blues badly.

no matter what way you feed your child.. that is the "best" because thats what works for you.

 

[Countrygirl13]

The title of your post seemed spot on for my experience last week. Took my LO to my sister in laws. Was the first time i has fed outside the home and feeling the usual sense of FF shame.
My 4 yo niece asked why i was using a bottle and not feeding my baby 'from the tummy like mummy'. .... Because not everyone can.....' Why?' Aargh! After several minutes in the same vein i felt like i was being guilt tripped by a lactivist. Couldn't help but try and educate her about the views in the posts above. Tee hee, think she was more interested in how many baby dollies she had in her pram.
Just glad it wasn't a week or so earlier or the poor girl would have had to cope with a sobbing hormonal auntie.
Lactivists start early!!