Breastfeeding guilt trip at every opportunity?!

[xQuinnx]

The title of your post seemed spot on for my experience last week. Took my LO to my sister in laws. Was the first time i has fed outside the home and feeling the usual sense of FF shame.
My 4 yo niece asked why i was using a bottle and not feeding my baby 'from the tummy like mummy'. .... Because not everyone can.....' Why?' Aargh! After several minutes in the same vein i felt like i was being guilt tripped by a lactivist. Couldn't help but try and educate her about the views in the posts above. Tee hee, think she was more interested in how many baby dollies she had in her pram.
Just glad it wasn't a week or so earlier or the poor girl would have had to cope with a sobbing hormonal auntie.
Lactivists start early!!

Maybe it was good she had that experience! The only time I ever realised there was 'shame' associated with formula feeding was when I got pregnant! Can't have been nice for you though x

 

[Spiffynoodles]

I love the saying, "A mother's love comes from her heart, not from her breasts."

I breastfed my DS for 4.5 months and they were some of the worst months in my life. I cried daily. My nipples bled and cracked and there was nothing wrong with my latch or my DS, according to a lactation specialist. Finally, when my nipples were healed, DS went into an insane nursing strike and refused to eat and screamed and cried every. single. time. It was torture. We carried on like that for 6 more weeks before I finally gave up and switched to formula. It was like night and day! We were both so much happier. So yeah, the whole "you didn't try hard enough" thing is total BS.

Because of how traumatizing that experience was, I've decided to ff from birth this time around, because even the thought of BFing gives me anxiety.

 

[xQuinnx]

Oh spiffynoodles that sounds horrible so sorry you had such a bad bf experience. Well done for lasting so long I lasted 3 days before going to formula and expressing.

My step mum visited the other day, came in during a feed and said 'oh are you bottle feeding now?!' with a disgusted look, I was like yes, yes I am! My baby is healthy and thriving I won't be made to feel guilty for that. Anyone else's family like this?

 

[the why bird]

I agree with you.. there is too much ff shaming! I didnt get a chance with ds1, he was a traumatic birth too and was taken straight to scbu where he was FF (i didnt even get a chance to do first feed etc). I was still numb from spinal when he was finally brought to me and left out of my reach! a mw grumpily tried twice for 5 mins to get him to latch before taking him away from me again. I wasnt given a choice. I lost the first 12/13 hours of his life and wasnt even asked how i wanted to feed him. i also produced no milk what so ever.. not even a tiny bit so i had no choice but to FF. every time i saw the messages on the tubs it was a kick in the teeth. i had people (midwives/doctors/family) tell me i was stupid and didnt try hard enough and the good old " every woman makes BM" ... i had baby blues badly.

no matter what way you feed your child.. that is the "best" because thats what works for you.

Oh I hate this. It's one of the most stupid and downright damaging things people say about breastfeeding. It seems that society has no problem understanding that other body parts sometimes don't operate as intended, so why the belief that boobs are magical and never let us down?

You wouldn't hear someone saying to a diabetic 'oh don't be silly, every pancreas creates insulin, you just need to try harder! Make sure you eat plenty of sugar to get your pancreas working and maybe go to some support groups.'

Breastmilk may technically be better than formula in some respects (though I agree with pp who pointed out that a great many of the studies on beneficial effects were not rigorous and have been greatly overstated). But we don't raise our babies in a vacuum. The type of milk is only one aspect of feeding a baby - mother's health, baby's ability to latch, family circumstances, demand feeding vs scheduled feeds etc - all of these affect the outcomes too.

My second baby breastfeeds. It's easy this time. Last time it was absolute hell. I have no doubt in my mind that my daughter was just not able to breastfeed but until I had my son, part of me still wondered whether I just hadn't tried hard enough. Her feeding issues made me incredibly depressed for the first year of her life and we were slow to bond as a result. Knowing what I know now, I WISH I had switched to formula feeding instead of putting myself through months of struggling trying to feed and then express.

If I start having feeding problems with this baby I will switch in a heartbeat. My daughter may have had the 'best' type of milk but it was not in her best interests. In retrospect the best option would have been formula milk and a mother who wasn't exhausted and weeping every single day. I have shed a few quiet tears of regret over my decision not to switch to formula with her. I see the difference in my content well-fed baby who isn't screaming all day and night in distress because feeding times are so unpleasant and difficult. I wish I could go back in time and give her the damn aptamil and enjoy those newborn days without the stress and pressure.

So those mummies who 'gave up' breastfeeding and switched to formula, good for you for doing what was best for your families. There should be no guilt, it takes strength to do what you know is best despite the judgment of others.

 

[petite ping]

I think there is a legal obligation to promote BF on formula tins. It's the same thing here in France.

I personally don't believe breast is best. I think of BF as a choice just as FF is a choice. Neither should be considered better than the other as it all depend on many factors such as latching, mother health and family life.
Each has their advantages and their disadvantages. I'd list them but I'm afraid of being shot down.

I BF my first until she was six months. I stopped because I was not producing as much milk once I went back to work and in the end it was more for my pleasure than anything else. DD1 was just as happy on Formula as she was on breastmilk.

For the second, I stopped at 2 months. It was not right for my family life. I had a hard time taking care of my toddler and BF especially as OH was away for much of the time. I didn't feel guilty as my second is thriving.

 

[Foogirl]

They way I always see it is, no-one can make you feel guilty, unless that doubt is already somewhere in your own head. And I daresay it is. The messages given by the NHS etc are based in fact and it's well accepted that BFing has many benefits to baby, you can't help but have doubts if you are not feeding this magical stuff that's apparently made from angel tears and unicorn farts. However, feeding a baby is about so much more than what's in the milk that is given and everybody chooses the method of feeding that suits the whole family, according to their own life. Of course some have the choice made for them if they are unable to feed, but many find the tie of breastfeeding is too much for them, or they need to return to work, or hell, they just prefer not to do it. And That's Ok too.

To stop feeling the guilt trip, you have to get comfortable with why you made your choice and be satisfied it is working for you and your baby. Once you don't give a crap about what the messages are, the guilt will melt away.

I speak as one who breastfed for 18 months and believe me, I spent a whole lot of time having to explain to people why I didn't switch to formula.

 

[felix555]

Foogirl the thing is in those first weeks the guilt is overwhelming and actually irrational. I remember feeling judged every time I bottle fed in public when the truth is none of those people actually even noticed. The judgement was in my head and the guilt such a waste of time .... hindsight! The acceptance and not giving a crap what other people think only comes a bit later when you're one of those people who were absolutely determined to BF.

I know there's judgement on both sides though, I was with a friend who was asked to cover up in a cafe and I waged war on the cafe because I don't think anyone should be judged for how they feed.

 

[misspriss]

I think it may depend on where you live, but in a lot of places there is a real lack of education about breast feeding so they need to do that because otherwise people don't even consider breastfeeding. I agree that on here most every knows "breast is best" and is making informed decisions, which is great. If you decide FF works best for you, then that's pefectly fine because you made an informed decision about what is best for you and your baby. Where I live, in a rural part of the US, I'm planning to breastfeed and I already know I'm going to get comments and people will think I'm weird. My area is low income, many young mothers, often still in high school or without much further education, and they all formula feed because I think WIC pushes formula (I know not officially, but here I don't know one person on WIC who breastfeeds) and it's free so of course these moms who don't know any better ff. Nobody tells them otherwise and these girls aren't getting on websites and reading about what's best for baby. I'm just glad when I see formula in the baby's bottle instead of Mountain Dew, but that's another issue all together...

In any event, I don't qualify for WIC just barely, so I will try my best to breastfeed because with all the other expenses I don't need to be dropping all that money on formula, but if I can't breastfeed for whatever reason, then I will make an informed decision to do what's right for my baby and find the formula that is best for my baby. But when you see all these messages about how much better breastfeeding is, please remember, they are not directed at you ladies. They are directed at these girls who live in areas like I do, whose mothers didn't breastfeed, whose grandmothers didn't breastfeed, who don't know anyone who breastfeeds, who think breastfeeding is gross, and who need someone educating them.

This is true. I don't think the whole "breastmilk is best" is pointed at most the people on this board. I have spoken with WIC consultants (It's a program, Women, Infants, and Children, in the US for low income people), who are VERY pro-breastfeeding here. But they say that they encounter low income women, a lot of time illegal immigrants or new legal immigrants, who insist upon formula feeding, because that is what they think rich American women do and they want to be like Americans. They don't have any idea about the health benefits, they are not educated at all on it, they only want to FF because they think it makes them not look as poor. They still have remnants of the times when "Only poor women breastfeed, rich women can afford formula" (Back when I was little, my mom said a lot of women still believed that!).

I honestly don't think the way they do the whole "BM is best" thing on formula websites or anything is the right way to go about it. I don't know how to impact the whole section of people who aren't on BnB, who don't know all the details, who just want to do FF because everyone they see does it, or because they think high class people do it, without impacting the group of people who already know and have no need to be reminded. I mean low income people can go BROKE buying formula, when if they had tried BF, they may have been able to feed their child for free.

Thanks ladies I am so glad I'm not alone and feel better knowning the feelings ease!

Fieryphoenix, I appreicate where you are coming from and I obviously don't know your circumstances but until you've experienced it I would say it's hard to relate. Failing at something that should be so natural can be a horrible feeling and then to be reminded of it at every opportunity is upsetting, especially if it has been quite a traumatic experience.
I know they are getting the facts out but I would say most mums on these website know that "breast is best" and are already battling with the emotions of failed bfing and post pregnancy hormones! I know its not easy for me to see if I am feeling hormonal!

I may not be reminded of it at every opportunity, but lots of women fail at things that should be natural. I failed at carrying a pregnancy safely to term. I failed at giving birth vaginally. And trust me, I read stuff all the time about how C-sections are not as good for the body or the baby. It may not be as prominent as BF/FF stuff, but it is out there. I do know what it feels like to feel like I failed at someone every woman should be physically able to do.

 

[Foogirl]

Foogirl the thing is in those first weeks the guilt is overwhelming and actually irrational. I remember feeling judged every time I bottle fed in public when the truth is none of those people actually even noticed. The judgement was in my head and the guilt such a waste of time .... hindsight! The acceptance and not giving a crap what other people think only comes a bit later when you're one of those people who were absolutely determined to BF.

.

Having spent my first six weeks with a baby in NNICU, I know well enough about irrational guilt But funnily enough, all the things I felt guilty about were things everybody and his wife were telling me I had no reason to be guilty for. Which is why I say, guilt is not something people put on you, it's something that is there in your head no matter what the messages are. So getting over it in your own mind is the only way round it.

 

[Foogirl]

My area is low income, many young mothers, often still in high school or without much further education, and they all formula feed because I think WIC pushes formula (I know not officially, but here I don't know one person on WIC who breastfeeds) and it's free so of course these moms who don't know any better ff. Nobody tells them otherwise and these girls aren't getting on websites and reading about what's best for baby. I'm just glad when I see formula in the baby's bottle instead of Mountain Dew, but that's another issue all together...

.

If they had any sense they would also be offering vouchers to women who breastfeed to help them have a healthier diet. Of all the things that come into consideration of how to feed a baby, the cost shouldn't be one of them.

 

[wookie130]

I disagree with the whole "formula is marketed to the poor" thing, and I do feel that's an argument that lactivists commonly use to further the indoctrination of women to all move their feeding decisions toward breastfeeding...it's just another thing that brainwashes women into thinking that "Big Formula" is working in conjunction with food assistance programs such as WIC to promote their agenda, and discourage breastfeeding.

Ummm...WRONG! Breastfeeding has clearly become the "trendy" option, and is pushed heavily upon EVERYONE who has a baby, poor, or not. It is most commonly discussed across blogs, in magazine articles, and in all of the fun "extras" associated with breastfeeding...the general assumption across most mediums is that women will be nursing, or at least attempting to once their babies are born. There is a World Breastfeeding Day (or is it week? Where's the World Formula Feeding Day? Oh...wait...anyway, anyone with a Facebook account is aware of the breastfeeding day), and it's become quite a splash to go to nurse-ins, public breastfeeding groups, etc. It's almost a social expectation, really. Also, shall we talk about the various celebrity endorsements aimed at breastfeeding? The pictures of various supermodels riding MOTORCYCLES and HORSES while nursing their babies??? (Gisele, to be specific.) All of the beautiful and wealthy people are doing it, so the rest of us should be also! The photographer I use to do my kids' baby pictures is now doing discounted special "nursing photo shoots" (that are NOT CHEAP, mind you), to capture that special breastfeeding bond on film. Have you picked up a copy of "Parents" magazine recently? Most articles are geared toward nursing mothers, with the occasional "or if you're formula feeding" comment tossed in here and there as an afterthought.

The sacred cow of parenting currently is a woman's ability and willingness to breastfeed, plain and simple. I truly fail to see how even poor women can escape the rhetoric that is shoved down their throats in doctor's offices, reading material, the internet (which yes, even poor people often have access to), television, etc., etc. Clearly, everyone CAN breastfeed, right? (WRONG!) And so everyone SHOULD, right? (WRONG!)

Look, as I said before, the health benefits are often overstated. There are benefits, yes, but women are being taught to literally martyr themselves for the cause (yes, that's right...the inability to breastfeed is now being closely associated with severe PND, and feelings of worthlessness as a mother), that they are miserable, and thereby sad. How is THAT good for the bond between mother and child? Crying all of the time? Self-loathing? Yeah, it happens, and it's not because deep down they know all of the hoopla about breastfeeding is "right." It is because SOCIETY (other women, mainly) is pooping on women for the choices they make, and apparently there is only one right way to feed an infant, lest your child grow up with a lower IQ, diabetes, and obese. No, even the socioeconomically-challenged among us do not escape these messages, sadly.

 

[sethsmummy]

I got the bfing "talk" from my midwife during my GTT the other day. When i said i was going to try but wouldnt think twice of switching to formula (and will do so after a couple week anyway) i got the "well as long as you know breast is best" ... but at least she apologised and said she HAS to tell us that.. she could get sacked if she doesnt push BFing over FFing. Luckily this time round i WANT to bf and if i icant iv been lucky enough to afford a pump which should allow me at least a couple weeks of expressing (its not a hospital grade pump). But i wont feel any guilt when i switch to formula this time round

 

[the why bird]

I've been so lucky with my midwives and health visitors this time round. They know I'm doing a combination of breast feeding, formula feeding and expressing and have all basically said 'take it day by day and as long as baby is getting fed, you're doing fine'. The health visitor even acknowledged that although the local breastfeeding support service are very dedicated and knowledgeable, it's easy for people to get swept along in the 'breast is best' message and struggle along long past the point that it's really what the family want or need anymore. I have to say I'm impressed with the balance they've struck - I really felt like they're gently encouraging for people to give bf a go with no pressure or judgment if it's not what happens.

 

[HBGirl]

It really amazes me how much other people care what you feed your baby. I constantly get asked if I am breastfeeding. I am proud and grateful that I have been succesful but I find the question rude and intrusive.

I also constantly get told that I should be adding formula to get her to sleep through the night. I am WAY to lazy to formula feed and take my hat off to ladies who manage it.

I think people should mind their own damn business and just tell you your child is gorgeous.

 

[petite ping]

Breast is best only if the mother eats a balanced diet. After all what you eat your baby will eat. There have been cases of babies dying of malnutrition because their mothers were vegan or on restricted diets and were BF.

Breast is best if the mother is not in constant physical or emotional pain.

Breast is best if you can juggle the needs of the rest of your family with the demands of breastfeeding. I found that with two kids it was just not possible or it was possible if I was willing to leave LO1 to her own devices for long periods or time.

I had asked my OBGyn about BF and about the benefits in terms of health. My OBGYn shrugged and said that the supposed extra immunity was only on a superficial level and that there was no real proof that Breast milk gave real health advantages to babies over modern formulas and I should BF but if it didn't work out there was no point beating myself over it.

My GP said something along the lines of BF is a good thing but don't count on it to protect my baby against colds.

It has to be said that in France very few women breastfeed - mainly because of the fact that our maternity leaves are so short and a lack of post natal support. Most BFF for the first few weeks and then FF.

I am not anti-breastfeeding I think it's a wonderful experience. I also think FF is a wonderful experience too. However I hate being told that BFF is the best and only choice and in CHOOSING FF I am in fact choosing to be an inferior mother.

 

[felix555]

It really amazes me how much other people care what you feed your baby. I constantly get asked if I am breastfeeding. I am proud and grateful that I have been succesful but I find the question rude and intrusive.

I also constantly get told that I should be adding formula to get her to sleep through the night. I am WAY to lazy to formula feed and take my hat off to ladies who manage it.

I think people should mind their own damn business and just tell you your child is gorgeous.

Oh that old myth ... formula fed babies sleep better. Tell that to my formula fed baby 18 months old who was up every 2 hours last night and has never slept well

 

[HBGirl]

It really amazes me how much other people care what you feed your baby. I constantly get asked if I am breastfeeding. I am proud and grateful that I have been succesful but I find the question rude and intrusive.

I also constantly get told that I should be adding formula to get her to sleep through the night. I am WAY to lazy to formula feed and take my hat off to ladies who manage it.

I think people should mind their own damn business and just tell you your child is gorgeous.

Oh that old myth ... formula fed babies sleep better. Tell that to my formula fed baby 18 months old who was up every 2 hours last night and has never slept well

The way people carry on about it you would swear formula was laced with sleeping tablets. LOL

 

[leash27]

I gave up BF DS after a few days because I was exhausted and recovering from a pretty traumatic birth. I must admit, after I switched to formula I don't recall even noticing BF messages on the formula tin? I think even if I had, it wouldn't have bothered me as I was comfortable with my decision. I told my MW and HV that BF just wasn't for me and that I wanted to enjoy my baby rather than stress about sore nipples and getting a good latch etc, they just smiled and said ok and gave me some guidelines on how to make up formula correctly.

I don't think any kind of advertising would have made me feel guilty unless I already had those feelings anyway. If a baby is loved and fed then there should be nothing to feel bad about, wherever that food comes from.

X

 

[Countrygirl13]

People have time to read the small print on the tin of formula?? Got to admit I left that to my OH who showed me what to do the first time. As a no-nonsense kind of guy he wasn't about to be upset by a bunch of breastfeeding stuff when getting to grips with New Technology (sterilier, teats, bottles etc)
Now I glance at the tin every three to four hours as I make the next bottle but can't say as I check anything other than the number of scoops I put in....and that is enough of a challenge when sleep deprived!

 

[Pearls18]

Breast is best only if the mother eats a balanced diet. After all what you eat your baby will eat. There have been cases of babies dying of malnutrition because their mothers were vegan or on restricted diets and were

I wasn't going to reply to this thread but I couldn't leave this alone, this is simply not true, babies do not die from malnourished diets of the mother, the diet of the mother would have to be so poor she would be on death's door herself this wouldn't be true in the western world, many malnourished women in third world countries successfully raise babies to toddlers on breast milk (when nestle isn't interfering....) Due to the composition of breastmilk it is live cells, anti bodies etc, the very nature of that in itself will always make breast milk better than formula, even if the mother has a poor diet, it's widely known medical professionals would prefer a smoker to still BF than FF. Absolutely diet and quality of milk is linked, the better your diet the better your milk, it isn't something harped on about too much because they don't want to put women off more, and because they know even if you're obese, even if you drink litres of coke a day, your breast milk is better that formula because it has ingredients formula doesn't have (and probably won't ever have), formula simply doesn't have the live, natural ingredients breast milk has and there is no skirting around that no matter how much it can offend. Does that make formula evil? No of course not, there is nothing bad in formula, it's widely known it actually can have more basic nutrients in it after 6 months if the mother's diet isn't adequate, it is a satisfactory substitute but it's what it lacks that will always make it less ideal.

I say this as a now FF mum, I wasn't going to reply because I have nothing to say in threads like this, I BF both my boys till they were 8/9 months, combi fed from about 6 months and then completely FF beyond the 8/9 month mark and am completely satisitifed in my decisions so don't feel the need to get defensive either way, both sides experience issues, but let's keep it factual.

But honestly this all blows over, BF vs FF seems like the centre of the universe at the beginning for you and those around you, but once you're past 6 months, certainly a year I find it's all completely forgotten! For most I hope anyway, I know it must be difficult when it feels like choices were taken from us.