Can I do this on my own? My Journey of being a single mom

[Jslyn9996]

I read. Im rooting for you. praying you get accepted. Big hugs. You are being very strong.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

Jslyn9996- thank you.

I checked out a book at the library today- The Complete Divorce Handbook. I dog eared 1/2 the book, lol. Mostly about property, alimony and things on Separation.

For example, I CAN and should for CS AND Alimony. Alimony is to help me live. I mean we have been making $36,000/yr and all of a sudden ill be at quite less- alimony is to support me but not forever. I also learned I dont have to wait for anything to file for custody, CS or Alimony. I could have all that in place and never file officially for a divorce.

I have learned something else in the last week. I have been asking divorced friends/family for advice. I have seen both sides. (where one spouse takes everything, down to the X-mas tree in spite but ive also seen both sides agree on everything). My BFFs sister said to me that her advice (and shes one that has had everything be agreeable) I CANT listen to everyone else on what to do. I have to follow my own heart. I knew that but some how i feel better about it.
I love DH. I dont love who he is. If I thought for a second things would change, id stay. Stay in terms of not moving out. If i thought things were completely beyond repair Id file for divorce right away. I feel like he needs a wake up call in a major way and I need independence in a way i have never had. If in 6mo, 1yr, 10yrs it all clicks,then GREAT. If not, ill know. Ill know I tried and thats all i could do.

I did look into other housing just in case i dont get approved (PRAYING I DO GET IT THOUGH!!!!!!) but i really, REALLY want this place. Its in a good neighborhood, good schools (though we homeschool), Great HUD scores, close to family.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

I called my apartment Thursday and she said she didnt have any news for me, so thats good. No news is better than a denial letter. My landlord wasnt thrilled when she called him though- he thought we were all up and moving. We had to scramble to pay rent so hed give a good referral for me after we told him what was going on. Electric is paid so i can get gas and electric in my name.

Then this mom at my MOPS group has a big heart and God has been speaking to her and through her. Shes pretty awesome.

As for other things, I opened a savings account. I put all the cash i had in it. Now i wont have to worry about making it.

Then tonight when i got home from a dinner/playdate DH is claiming i should be careful about doing anything but moving out because he knows all my "secrets" (because some how i have big life changing secrets hes aware of but im not?) and could be spiteful if he wanted to be. Fine I told him, go ahead but it wont do any good. Im not going to run back to him and thank him with open arms nor stay with him if he does anything stupid.

 

[Jslyn9996]

Headed in the right direction. Getting all those loose ends squared away. Good job! Hope you get that acceptance letter soon! Sounds like he is grasping at straws to keep you.

 

[Shezza84uk]

Just catching up on this sounds like things are moving forward. I hope you get your approval letter soon as for your husband ignore him, his manipulation is a pathetic desperate attempt to get you to stay as long as he has access to the children he should be thankful, fingers crossed for you x

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

I got denied.

It was because of my rental history. A past landlord gave a bad reference, which i knew he would and even told the apartment that. It doesnt matter if i appeal it or apply other places, Ill have to list that apartment on my application and theyll call him and ill keep getting denied. But IF i wait til 2015, then I wouldnt have to list him because they only want the last 5yrs.

Im officially stuck. Being stuck is worse than being miserable every day.

What choice do I have? Stay and work it out as it crumbles around me? Stay and be miserable? Leaving isnt an option because i dont have a job to get a normal apartment and i still couldnt pay my bills on my own. The cheapest apartment around here is $350. Id need $700 just to move in! Thats not including electric or anything else. UGH.

I guess my journey is done then. Im doomed to stay stuck in a marriage that isnt working because even a low income place wont give someone a second chance. (BTW, out of 15 places weve lived- only 2 wouldnt give a good reference. Everywhere else would).

 

[Shezza84uk]

I'm so sorry its tuned out this way, I hope eventually some other way will pop up and you can get the fresh start you deserve. Do come and vent its better than not having anyone to talk to sending you lots of hugs xx

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

My last post was in Feb.

My marriage has COMPLETELY turned around (and upside down) since then! Now its in a GOOD place and Im in a good place and I can write about it.

In Feb that i posted I started a new church and going to a grief group for my grandma who passed away. There was a woman there who i had never met before or talked to and she was offering furniture so i called her and set up a time. I went to meet with her and she had a vision from god right there in front of me about my husband and that we would be at the altar. We were like " yeah ok, whatever".

At this point a friend from MOPS had given me the book The Power Of The Praying Wife and I started praying for our marriage. It was VERY VERY slow progress and God spoke to me in MANY ways. He was very clear to STAY in my marriage though.

In March my husbands Sex Addiction came out. i knew he had this addiction for a very long time but i was in denial and so was he. he got help and i got help and then our marriage got even better! There was slow progress, it was NOT over night. There were mountains to climb and many MANY fights, blame games and even thoughts of " WHY ".

In May however God had a different plan and my husbands TRUE sex addiction details came out. He had cheated on me 5 times unprotected. How was i going to get past that? What was I going to do? God worked on me and my husband. God showed me things I have never seen. My husband started going to church and believing in God. There was CLEAR, TRUE change in him. He WANTED to get better. He wanted this marriage.

After that, we considered what the vision lady had seen. Should we renew our vows? It made sense. We had overcome this obstacle and we needed a fresh start.

Well, Nov 9, we are doing it. We are starting over.
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The point of that is this:
I really thought there was no way out. I thought I couldnt be in a marriage like that. I thought i didnt want a husband like that. I deserve better. I need better. Even after his addiction came out, I thought there was no way, im crazy. However, IF you can work it out with your partner, PLEASE try. Many times now I can look back and see the small changes i couldnt see before. My husband is completely different. All the things i posted about before arent worries anymore.

He has been unemployed since Jan and got a job through a church friend at Chick Fil A (making 1/2 what he was and ENJOYING IT)
He has good, church friend who encourage and love him. He didnt have a support system before.
He does NOT stay on the computer anymore. There is a filter so he cant be tempted into his old ways but he chooses his family over the computer.
He helps around the house where before i think he really thought a fairy did it.
He takes the leadership role now. Hes the husband and the Father,
He is encouraging our children for what a happy marriage SHOULD be... no daily fighting. Agreements on everything. Love. Passion.

for EVERY.SINGLE.MOM on this board that is, was or will be single. There is HOPE.

** I realize not every relationship can work out. I know not every spouse wants to work it out or work on their issues. This is the plan God had for MY life, that may not be what he has for yours.

 

[babycrazy1706]

Fabulous news!!
Just read through your entire journal! Very happy for you! Totally reinforces my belief of 'everything happens for a reason' you were not meant to get that appartment hun, it wasn't gods plan. We have to trust in Him and His timing! So glad it worked out for you! Look forward to more happy updates! Best wishes to you and your family.

 

[Baby France]

Aw I am so happy that you've both found a way forward xxx

 

[Aimee4311]

I just read through your journal too (stayed up way too late finishing it!). I've got to say, it was like a good ending to a book!

I'm so happy you're in a happy place in your marriage and your husband is truly involved in life now! I'm so happy for both of you!

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

We renewed our vows. It was a wonderful ceremony. My 2 BFFs were on my side and DH had his 2 friends. Our 2 daughters were in it. DHs mom even came and stayed with us. It really felt good to do.

I forgot my vows.

I also had a massive gallbladder attack that weekend. Not fun. I have had 3 kids and nothing hurt that bad like this.

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Since then our marriage was tested through unemplyment and employment. Moving into our first house and now unemployment again. Things are still going great and we are both truly happy. Dh is over a year CLEAN from his addiction and I could not be more happy!