Can I do this on my own? My Journey of being a single mom

[OnErth&InHvn]

I feel nervous posting this.

Dh and I have been married 6yrs this November. We have 2 children together. DS is with my EX before DH. DH and I have been through the normal ups and downs of live, but it seems like its a repeating pattern for years now and within the last month it got worse. I feel like I have no choice.

To start, DH is a good man. He is not mean. I do love him and he loves me.
BUT....
He cant keep a job. I cant even begin to list all the places we have lived in 6yrs or jobs hes had/been fired from. Right now we are living with family for the 3rd time. (weve lived with family before but this particular family member, this is the 3rd time). DH also isnt reliable or dependable. When DD1 was in the NICU, he wasnt there. When DD2 was sick in the hospital for a month, he wasnt there. The only time he wasnt there was for Wylder and that was because he had to work- the rest, he chose not to be. We never have any money and its not because of me. I am actually a great penny pincher. I have threatened to leave him before and he shapes up for a bit and then rinse and repeat.

Well this past couple weeks- He got hired at a GREAT paying job. Only to lose the van (our only vehicle) by it being impounded and we cant get it back out (long, long story). So he got fired over it. On top of this, the family members house we live at has decided to have the bank take the house and be foreclosed on...

I feel like these constant burdens are too much. Its not fair to me or the girls. DD1 is almost 5 and I try to get her involved in things and she cant stay in them long because we either dont have the money to get there or we move. Thats why i homeschool, because wed be switching her in and out of schools too much to count. I want more for them. I want them to not have to worry if we can afford something simple or have a roof over our heads. I feel like financially, emotionally and even physically (if that makes sense) isnt there. I feel at this point we have been here so many times that theres no "working through it" anymore. I love him, he tries, but it will only carry us so far. We already have 1 eviction on our record because he lost his job and we couldnt pay rent.

So my mom offered to pay me rent at a low income housing place. Its $50/mth with utilities paid. On the condition i leave DH. Whether separated or divorce. I am suppose to apply next week. The problem is that the wait is 6mo.

So here I sit. Back and Forth. Can i do this on my own? Will, even a break from Dh so he can get his life together and I get my priorities together make things better? Am i just thinking " the grass is greener"?

I know it will not get better. At this point with the forecloser, We have maybe 4mo since hes not been paying for awhile already. With no vehicle and no money, even IF Dh found a car/job, wed maybe have enough to get out on our own. BUT Id have to hope hed keep the job that long or even after we move...which i know wont happen. It hasnt in the past. i havent given up, I just know whats happened the past 6yrs.

My plan?
Wait it out as long as possible, work little jobs to get some small savings, Store things at my moms, move there if the bank comes before the low income comes through, then move out to the housing. My mom will pay my rent and ill only need to worry about extra money. I have one of those low income cell phones and I have a Washboard to do laundry. There is a bus line and I dont mind riding the bus, even with 2 kids. Plus my aunt will live next door so she could help with the girls if i needed a sitter or anything that requires a car. My mom will be about 20mins away so help as well. ETA: I can get small jobs to help with any money ill need- babysitting/housecleaning/etc

I just worry, what if people judge me? that i "gave up"? that im being selfish? How do I know this is what I really need to do? Im not saying im going to move out and sign the divorce papers, but I really think DH needs to get his act together and I cant, CANT keep putting the kids or myself through this. I feel like these burdens are too much and I am the one carrying them.

I needed to go to the grocery last night and had to ask a neighbor. I went. DH, though he watched the girls. Its just one of those little things, i wish he would of taken the initiative to figure out a way to the store and gone.

HELP....

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

no body has advice?

 

[pinklizzy]

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice as I've never been in your situation but I just wanted to give you as this must be so difficult for you hun-you need to do what is best for you and your children and don't worry what other people think.

 

[chels24uk]

Maybe a trial seperation will give him a kick up the arse he needs? See where it goes from there. Your right you and your kids cant keep going through this. Sorry im not much help, good luck xxx

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

Maybe a trial seperation will give him a kick up the arse he needs? See where it goes from there. Your right you and your kids cant keep going through this. Sorry im not much help, good luck xxx

Thanks, I hope youre right.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

applying this week. excited and nervous

 

[Boomerslady]

i'm not to sure what to say hun. You and the kids really deserve so much more. I think its best you go now and get into the low income rent place. Yes it'll be tough, weird, difficult, but it MAY be the kick up the arse your OH needs.

My story is slightly similar to yours in that me and my OH are currently on a break due to him not working. We were together 4 years and I think he workded for 1.5 yrs of that time. I thought having Ben would chnage him, but he never tried. At the moment hes back at his Mums while looking for work. As and when he is working we are going to talk more, the time apart is really rough, but his attitude appears to have chnaged and I think hes realised what he could lose. He even bought me flowers last week!

PM me anytime if you wanna chat.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

I talked to DHs Aunt tonight (his dads sister) and told her whats going on. She was really supportive. She knows all about Dh and his issues with stability, etc and agrees he needs a kick in the pants. She said she would not let him move in and feels he needs to sink or swim on his own. I feel much better having her support.

Right now, the newest thing is bugging me to no end about leaving and how "im trying to get a job" and "i try to take care of you", yadda yadda. I keep telling him Trying isnt enough any more. So hes playing all the cards in the book- he wont come back to me, he will have no where to go, hell be depressed and wont want to do anything.... im sorry, but i have ZERO sympathy.

 

[Mummyplus3]

Be strong! You can do it on your own and will probably find it much easier! Hope you get a nice place for you and the children.

He definatly needs a kick up the pants! xx

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

and now due to the vehicle being impounded, he had a court date he couldnt go to (due to not having a car)- he now has a suspended license and bar on his license so he cant do anything involving a car + a 2nd warrant (he has 1 from a previous ticket he didnt pay).

This is the kind of stuff, that just keeps adding up and it truly is a burden. Not stress. A Burden.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

i was going to apply today, but they only accept applications on tuesday and thursday... so ill wait until Tuesday so i wont have to make 2 trips.

So far hes trying to butter me up- doing all the things he wouldnt before. Which is nice, but it was needed years ago and even months ago.

 

[chels24uk]

its funny how men seem to instantly change when they think they might lose someone. Thing is, if you dont follow through and show your serious, they will soon go back to their old ways. Good luck on your housing xx

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

well tonight was a different, sort of scary hurtle- How to go out by yourself and not go crazy! How do you all do it?!
I told DH not to come to my nieces B-day party. I figured hed be a drag anyway, but the girls drove me bonkers. Plus SIL was a bum-hole.

and i found out tonight my BFF isnt mad at me for wanting to leave DH. She is very conventional when it comes to marriage and I just didnt want to lose a friend over this.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

Need to remind myself to call housing tomorrow and verify what i need to bring.

I wrote out a list today of everything Ill bring. Its not a lot and really im OK with that. Why bring a bunch of junk? I really, REALLY wish I didnt have to wait so long to move though.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

So tonight would be a night i cant WAIT to move out. Fighting again. I knew it wouldnt last. I set his laundry aside. Im tired of doing it. He does a load but doesnt take it out of dryer- I ask for help "on a commercial", i finally say F it and take it out. Then I tell him someone pulled up the drive way at 11:30PM and hes just like "Oh well", then Im sitting here working (WAHM bit i do) and I ask him to let the dogs out-- "on a commercial" so finally we argue, yadda yadda. i get called lazy, i should of just let them out... whatever. Seriously- get a freaking job and get out my hair 24/7!!

I really, REALLY wish I had some place to go. I dont though. I dont want to do a homeless shelter and I have thought of a hotel too.

I just cant wait. I am stressed to the max.

 

[Maybe1stBaby]

Sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this with him. Can't you kick him out?

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

Sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this with him. Can't you kick him out?

we are living at his grandparents house, so that would be a bit awkward.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

I went to the library today to see what books they have on divorce and mostly separation. Well i found a pretty good one on 'Controlled Separation'. Its about laying out terms and time lines and making sure everyone involved in on the same page and the goal? To avoid divorce. Not to get back together until the CS doesnt work or you dont want to.

I am going to look through it and read it and try it. I know Im leaving, i dont know if im signing the divorce papers and DH thinks Im leaving and never coming back, so maybe this will help. Help him to see IF he gets his life together, and he meets these terms, i can and might come back. maybe.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

I read through the one book about Controlled Separation. VERY GOOD! It talks about having a "contract" of sorts where everything is laid out. I might actually do that.
I read through the 2nd book- The Courage To Be a Single Mother by Sheila Ellison and it is REALLY good. Its her own struggles. Very worth reading!

Tuesday I went down to the housing to get an application. WOW! Its not a 1 page application, its a packet! They wouldnt let me use a pen (because youre not allowed to fill out the application at the office) which was fine because i didnt have all the paperwork i needed. Then i went to the actual Section 8 office and got the same packet.
So my mom helped me fill it out and I need to get it back tomorrow. The townhouse (2-3bdrm) $50/mnth w/utilities included is a 6mo waiting list...the townhouse from section 8 is a yr long waiting list. No idea on rent amount or whats included.

I need to gather the last bit of info (since we dont have DD2s birth certificate, i need her footprints) and then go tomorrow and officially be on the waiting list! I still didnt ask about taking my dog with me. Im scared theyll say no and that would just break my heart, she was there through Wylder and everything else. I couldnt imagine getting rid of her.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

well sometimes I think God just wants to keep me on my toes because I went looking online and of course instead of driving all the way down there, i could of printed off an application.

BUT apparently online, Im a bit confused because it says "favorable credit and rental history", which i dont have. Then it talks about income, which i dont really have. Now im worried. So I emailed the directors and the manager and asked. Hopefully theyll get back to me before i leave to go down there. Id hate to waste a trip. I mean its Low-Income, I understand they need requirements but that really disqualifies people who NEED a place to live if they want a "perfect" tenant.