Can I just vent?

[dakotadawn]

I've posted here a million times, but I just gotta get it out there again and off my chest and out of my own head.

I am sad. I am beyond depressed most days. I am jealous, angry, bitter, and cold. Resentful, shy, and discouraged.

The last four years of my life have been such a rollercoaster. I was engaged to a really awful person. He messed with my head more than I can even comprehend to this day. I worked two full time jobs, I went to college, I bought a house all by the age of 18. I had a miscarriage...

At 19 we broke up. I was single, homeless, jobless, dropped out of college, living in a friends storage room next to her boxes of baby stuff and broke dressers. I had another miscarriage.

I met the love of my life. The man I am going to marry (actually, this time) and I have fallen head over heels in love with my life. Except for one thing... except I still have this horrible, aching, empty feeling in my chest. Three miscarriages.

Ten doctors. I've seen ten doctors for endometriosis, PCOS, retroversion, IBS, rh negative, you-name-it-ive-got-it syndrome. None will help. Their only cure is helping me get pregnant.

My life, as it stands, is not ready for a baby now. I was... I was ready, now I'm not. My fiance is a student, working now, but we're mostly living off of my paychecks. I'm a hairdresser and I work on commission only. That's not stable.

My whole life is surrounded by other peoples children. I nannied while miscarrying, I'm the only hairdresser who isn't pregnant and doesn't have kids except for the two that absolutely hate children. My newsfeed blows up with babies 24/7. I can't escape.

I seriously cannot escape. My fiance rolls his eyes when I mention another pregnancy announcement. He can escape, but I can't. Our wedding guest list we debated over because there were 40 children under the age of ten on it all on my side. Not a single one on his side. He didn't want kids at the wedding, and I can't afford to feed them. We're 40 children less now.

I know I have to wait for my turn. Some day the time will be right... maybe. Even when the time is right, will I have a baby? I have so many health problems that say otherwise. Will I wait another 10 years, and then another 10 more to find that this time has been wasted feeling empty and afraid?

Why is it so easy for other people to accidentally fall pregnant? Why is it so easy for them to have two, three, four children when I can't even imagine one? why do I have to be invited to baby showers of girls I can't even stand? Why do I have to cover 7 days a week at work because my pregnant coworkers are too sick to come in?

I don't know... maybe it's just a test. If I'm patient long enough maybe the world will allow for one baby. In 10 years. Or now. Never. I don't know.

 

[krissie328]

I can completely understand your post! I am certain I have wrote those words myself.

I struggled with male and female factor infertility for 8 years before getting pregnant with DS. It is heartbreaking to watch everyone else have what you want. It is even worst when they really shouldn't be having children then. Even now seeing a pregnant woman puts me a little on edge with jealousy.

My advise would be to find a support group and/or a therapist to talk to. My husband did not understand the pain and hurt I was going through. I wasn't comfortable talking to friends or family as they had all easily fell pregnant. Part of the reason I joined BnB was for support and success stories from people that have struggled.

There is no way to predict the future and see if/when you will have a baby. But it will happen when it is time, or maybe you will become a mommy in a different way. I know it doesn't take away the pain, but try to stay focused on the now and enjoy the life you do have with your wonderful fiance. I didn't and now I have years I wasted being miserable because I couldn't get pregnant, when I should have been enjoying what I did have in my life.

 

[dakotadawn]

Thanks. I posted in another forum and got pretty much the same responses there. Everyone thinks I should seek some therapist help. I've been thinking the same, and so has my fiance. I think my biggest thing is really just that I need to talk. I need to let it all out, but I feel like I can't.

Nobody really knows about the miscarriages. None of family, and most of my friends. I kept it to myself. All of them. I some times just want to write a big facebook post and put it all out there and yell at everyone for not being supportive... even though they have no idea. Does that sound silly?

 

[krissie328]

Not really, I use to get so mad at people who always brought up me getting pregnant, other pregnancies, children, ect. But I hadn't told them how much it hurt or the struggles we/I was going through. I got so reclusive and stopped going around people that had children or got pregnant.

I am currently seeing a therapist for different reasons and honestly it has been a great experience. It took a lot to get me there but I'm so glad that I did.

 

[dakotadawn]

I have an idea of where to go... I just don't know how I'm going to get myself there. Mentally I'm not sure if I'm ready to actually face it. I want to, but can I? Like.... seriously. It's something I've held down for a really long time. How can I just talk about it to a stranger How can I just fix myself? I can't imagine a world where people know, and/ or even care.

 

[ask86]

I have an idea of where to go... I just don't know how I'm going to get myself there. Mentally I'm not sure if I'm ready to actually face it. I want to, but can I? Like.... seriously. It's something I've held down for a really long time. How can I just talk about it to a stranger How can I just fix myself? I can't imagine a world where people know, and/ or even care.

I work as a therapist (nurse by education) and I specialize in women's health and related issues and I see a lot of patients with issues related to reproduction (multiple miscarriages, infertility, partners not being on the same page when it comes to babies etc) and it IS hard to talk about but I do understand my patients and I do sympathize and I do respect them and never say "its going to be ok"... If you find a good therapist with the right focus it will be a very hard but rewarding journey

 

[dakotadawn]

I'm in a new city and I know they're out there but even just looking online it's so ambiguous. Nothing says specifically "women" or reproductive or anything like that. It's like, "family," and, "emotional distress" stuff. I'm nervous to go somewhere completely foreign and find out that I'm in the wrong place.

I also don't have a family doctor any more. I've basically cut ties with all of my past doctors except for having these medical bills. I don't have a trusted doctor to go to any more.

 

[krissie328]

I actually called around and talked to a couple therapists before deciding on one. It helped me to get a feel if I could feel comfortable with them. The one I went with has been a very good one so I feel that process helped.

I had also just moved so I had not established a family doctor yet. So I felt like I was flying blind. I still don't have a family doctor but I am seeing a nurse practitioner for some medical stuff and she has been really easy to work with. Maybe you could ask around and see if anyone recommends someone.

 

[DollyPinkBow]

Everything you are saying hits close to home for me...It's such a good thing that you are letting it all out of your system as the first step to healing is to be able to open up and not keep things bottled up inside.

I have reached the age now where almost everyone around me is having babies or expecting. I feel as though I made all the right choices in life, worked and went to school, got married, graduated college, have a nice job, bought a home, and so on...but still even when I started tracking my cycle which I am lucky to say has always been very stable and easy to follow I have not been so lucky in the "baby making" department.

The sudden fear that hit me was pretty severe (here I am...I could be the one out of all the people I know that can't conceive). I am very worried, but will have to just go to a doctor and see what is going on.

What is meant to be will be....

I wish you the best on your journey