Cheeky wedding request. Would you?

[C_baby]

Me and the OH are finally setting a date for next year! Yippee.

Because we are supporting 4 kids we don't have loads of spare cash so the budget is going to be pretty tight. I have found a great venue which where my SIL works and is owned by her Aunt so i'm getting a really great deal.

The problem is the guest list (surprise, surprise!) I was talking to SIL about my cousins wedding and apparently they are planning to invite us to theirs, which means i now feel i have to invite them to ours. Which is turn means I'd feel obligated to invite all my other cousins, which adds 11 adults and 2 kids not a lot but every penny counts. There is obviously other people I'd like to invite but have had to be really ruthless.

My SIL then said well why don't you let the extra people come if they want and pay for their own meals. She supposedly did this with her wedding (they got married at short notice when she fell pregnant) and she says people happily helped with the cost in order to attend.

Now is this really cheeky? I can't decide if it's an outrageous idea or genius . Would you go to a wedding where you had to pay towards your meal?

How on earth would you go about even suggesting it in the first place?

If it makes a difference i could pay some towards so would work out at £18 per person, for wedding breakfast, reception drinks and a hot food evening meal.

Edited to add -

It's clear that my post can be read more than one way -
My SILs suggestion was that if the people really wanted to attend to somehow make it known that although we could not afford to invite anyone other than those on the immediate guest list, they would be welcome to come if they wished to pay for their meals. Not to actually send them an invite and a request for the money.

 

[xemmax]

Eek no I wouldn't do that. I just can't imagine how you could subtly suggest it to guests! I would either just invite them to the reception or ask for money as gifts - that way you'll recoup some costs

 

[beth_terri]

For me it would depend how close I was to the person. I have a massive family so if one f the cousins from my dads side said I'm invited but only if I pay for my own meal, I probably wouldn't go because we aren't close and it makes no difference to me if I attend their wedding or not. If it was one of my cousins from my mums side I would definitely pay to go.

I dont know how you would ask though lol x

 

[C_baby]

I dont know how you would ask though lol x

Maybe i shouldn't ask and just send them all a bill at the end!


The cousin who we were talking about i would actually really like to invite, but have had cut from the list as i knew it would mean inviting the others who i'm not bothered about and i couldn't justify paying for the lot of them. I can just see the 'why am i not invited' drama coming my way already!

 

[C_baby]

Eek no I wouldn't do that. I just can't imagine how you could subtly suggest it to guests! I would either just invite them to the reception or ask for money as gifts - that way you'll recoup some costs

That's actually a really good idea, I can't believe that hadn't occurred to me! Thank you

 

[binxyboo]

If you can't afford to pay for someone at your wedding, you don't invite them. Asking them to pay for your wedding is (IMHO) out if order and just bloody rude.
Especially if only some of the people were paying! If I discovered that I was paying to be a guest at a wedding while others were not, I would be furious!
Also, wedding invites are not tit for tat! Just because you are invited to theirs, doors not mean you are obliged to invite them to yours!

If you are that desperate for them to attend, you would have had them on the guest list from the start and budgeted accordingly for them.

 

[xemmax]

Eek no I wouldn't do that. I just can't imagine how you could subtly suggest it to guests! I would either just invite them to the reception or ask for money as gifts - that way you'll recoup some costs

That's actually a really good idea, I can't believe that hadn't occurred to me! Thank you

No problem, we're going to ask for contributions towards our honeymoon

There are loads of poems online politely requesting money rather than gifts, check this out:

https://www.confetti.co.uk/wedding-...tation-etiquette-how-to-ask-for-gift-of-cash/

 

[mummylove]

Me and the OH are finally setting a date for next year! Yippee.

Because we are supporting 4 kids we don't have loads of spare cash so the budget is going to be pretty tight. I have found a great venue which where my SIL works and is owned by her Aunt so i'm getting a really great deal.

The problem is the guest list (surprise, surprise!) I was talking to SIL about my cousins wedding and apparently they are planning to invite us to theirs, which means i now feel i have to invite them to ours. Which is turn means I'd feel obligated to invite all my other cousins, which adds 11 adults and 2 kids not a lot but every penny counts. There is obviously other people I'd like to invite but have had to be really ruthless.

My SIL then said well why don't you let the extra people pay for their own meals. She supposedly did this with her wedding (they got married at short notice when she fell pregnant) and she says people happily helped with the cost in order to attend.

Now is this really cheeky? I can't decide if it's an outrageous idea or genius . Would you go to a wedding where you had to pay towards your meal?

How on earth would you go about even suggesting it in the first place?

If it makes a difference i could pay some towards so would work out at £18 per person, for wedding breakfast, reception drinks and a hot food evening meal.

Me and oh was going to say that people pay for their own meal as we cant afford a proper wedding breakfast so was going to go to a restaurant instead and we wouldnt ask for wedding presents. U see the people we are inviting wouldnt mind that as we are only having close family. We dont know what we are doing yet

 

[AP]

I remember hearing someone I know had ask people to pay for their own meals, to be honest I wouldnt (hence why ours was a pretty much shotgun wedding )

 

[C_baby]

If you can't afford to pay for someone at your wedding, you don't invite them. Asking them to pay for your wedding is (IMHO) out if order and just bloody rude.
Especially if only some of the people were paying! If I discovered that I was paying to be a guest at a wedding while others were not, I would be furious!
Also, wedding invites are not tit for tat! Just because you are invited to theirs, doors not mean you are obliged to invite them to yours!

If you are that desperate for them to attend, you would have had them on the guest list from the start and budgeted accordingly for them.

Your reply comes off a little aggressive. I did not say i was desperate for anyone to attend or that i would insist on anyone coming and paying. I think you will find that most people do feel a sense of obligation when it comes to inviting family members to weddings.

Maybe i had not phrased my initial post well enough, my SILs suggestion was that if this cousin in particular (or other friends) really wanted to attend to make it known that we could not afford to invite them but that they would be welcome to come if they wished to pay for their meals.

I was genuinely interested if anyone has done this.

 

[Ceejay123]

My cousin asked for cash for gifts as they already had household things and had a baby on the way, she got £1500! From around 40 guests. X

 

[babydevil1989]

This is why we are having just us 2 witnesses and the kids when we get married - we both have massive famillies and couldnt invite some without the others (cue world war 3) why not just invite them to the reception? X

 

[mummylove]

When we get married we have to invite my mum dad and bro cus i would want them there anyway plus ohs mum and dad and 2 sisters and his sisters husband and his oh sisters boyfriend. Im not 100% sure whats happening yet so just hope we can get what we want if things go to plan but its not looking likely.

 

[emyandpotato]

It's such a tricky situation! If I were you I'd get my SIL to drop in to conversation with them that you're desperate to invite them but simply don't have the money and see what they say, and if you do decide not to invite them then send them a letter explaining you'd have loved for them to attend but you're keeping it very small to cut costs.

 

[Princess Lou]

I honestly don't think I could do it (I have no balls), I would look for other ways to cut costs IF I really wanted them to attend.

I know a couple of members of my family that would have no issue asking others to contribute though.

If I were on the receiving end, I would understand the situation and depending on how close I was to the couple or how much I liked them would depend on if I went or not, the same as it would if we weren't asked to contribute.

At the end of the day though, you don't have to invite someone just because they said they would invite you.

 

[sue_88]

I wouldn't go if I was asked to pay.

If you can't afford to have me there, don't invite me

 

[Bex84]

I personally wouldent ask people to pay. Have you considered buffet. We paid £1000 to cater for 50 people from fantastic resteraunt, that included stuff, cutlery, table linins etc. There was food left over and people we invited after meal were able to have food as well. Ask if you can bring drink and get a bottle a table and then cash bar. People raved about food we had and we had good range. Or could you do own catering. I know people who had family help cook and do quieshes, salads, jacket potatoes. The local fish and chip van to us does weddings again is cheaper. We didnt do gift list we said vouchers and money would help us but we didnt expect any present. Also could you invite some people after meal. This is what we did and again cuts costs. I would just feel rude asking people to pay for an event like a wedding but that may just be me.

 

[babyhopes2010]

honestly- yes its cheeky. ud be offending them LESS of u didnt invite them instead of making them pay for the meal

 

[C_baby]

I honestly don't think I could do it (I have no balls), I would look for other ways to cut costs IF I really wanted them to attend.

I know a couple of members of my family that would have no issue asking others to contribute though.

If I were on the receiving end, I would understand the situation and depending on how close I was to the couple or how much I liked them would depend on if I went or not, the same as it would if we weren't asked to contribute.

At the end of the day though, you don't have to invite someone just because they said they would invite you.

This is very true. It's such a pain really because i would actually like to invite them but because just inviting them and not the others would cause a huge issue i had ruled it out.

Then i had the conversation with SIL and feel really guilty! She's then all they "They would pay the £36 themselves, if it meant the difference between seeing you get married or not!". I had no idea that MY BROTHER had actually done this at their wedding, i did wonder how they afforded so many friends!!

 

[wishuwerehere]

I'd rather someone explained that they couldn't invite me because of costs but they were sorry and would've loved to have had me there, than asked me to pay for my meal. Sorry, but i would say it was rude!
I agree with asking for money as a gift, we received over 3 grand as gifts from around 100 guests.