Chinese Accupuncture

[kits]

Sorry, I completely collapsed last night just as the USA match started.

Blythe, that's one more day that's past. Hopefully you'll keep regaining strength & moving forward. I didn't realize the physical pain that was involved, I hope you managed to get some rest.

I really don't know much about ivf, iui or any of those procedures so unfortunately I can't be academically supportive but I'll always offer you I'm really glad Briss can offer you so much insight. I have read Dovka's journal when Briss posted a link to it a while ago and I thought it brought quite a bit of inspiration.

Germany seems like a good alternative to UK prices.

I would genuinely share my lottery winnings with you!! Maybe I should begin playing..

Briss, how are you feeling today hun? Are you & hubby ok? Wishing you best of luck with your hsg. Hope all goes smoothly with no pain.

I'm still trying to get my head around 'letting go'. I'm not sure how to begin. My cousin, although I don't know how long she had technically been trying, got pregnant just as when she was about to start ivf. I think she had been diagnosed at a younger age with not really being fertile. Another woman I know had been TTC for over 2 years and she did get pregnant when she gave up trying as she was literally about to go on her day of the ivf procedure.

But I do find it physically impossible to let go once you have so much info. I mean is just saying 'God I give up, this is totally in your hands now' enough? Or do we need to kick FF off our phones & devices? I have no idea. I'm going to try to not obsess over it. Not sure if this will work but I think I'm just going to try depersonalizing myself from any 'data entry' I collect. Here's to hoping. Going to still try to be as healthy as possible.

If it weren't for my mc I wouldn't have ever gone down this road I was so blissfully ignorant! Took a hpt when I thought AF was due, got a negative.. Forgot all about it until I had a couple of mornings with nausea so I took another on cd38, I thought I was late due to stress & nothing else. I realised yesterday why my mc has been on my mind so much recently when I managed to not think about it for so long... I would've been 9 months now & due in the next week or 2. I think now I can safely move on.

I have also decided no opk for me (whenever AF decides to show up?) but I'm still going to try temping. And as far as cm, well I find that more curious than anything else

Blythe, I'm on Chinese herbs, they're genuinely vile. When my oh didn't want to try them (I'm that kind of person that likes to share everything whether or not it's a good idea to) I gave him a massive slobbery kiss after I drank mine & he found them quite disgusting.

 

[Briss]

sometimes I envy religious people, they find it easy to let go because they believe there is smb out there looking out for them. I cant do that. I have seen too much of this world to believe that there is any control of what's happening here. Still, for some reason I keep reading this thread of very religious TTcers cos I am trying (but failing) to understand their psychic. Most recently they posted the following poem (please do not shout at me I am just curious what you make of this):

"The battle"

This was never about me having a baby. It turned out to be everything but that.
It was a different story altogether.
The prince removed everything to see where my eyes would lay.
He turned his back to see if I would follow.
He gave me silence instead of answers, to see if I would notice.
He watched me endure loss to see how resilient i was made.
He removed my hope to see if I would fight for it back.

He wanted to see if I would choose him.
He wanted to see if a baby was all my heart desired.
And although at times i thought that is all that consumed me.
That getting prayers answered was all that mattered.
I realised in that moment, the more empty I became.
The fight was more evident then ever before.
Would i choose my faith, despite my pain?
Would i choose his way, despite my understanding?
Would i choose to obey, without certainty?
If i didn't get what i wanted, when i wanted it. Would it change how i felt towards him?
Would i praise him despite my circumstance? Isn't that what 'the war of love' is about?
The fight isn't just a battle, it's a love story. I choose him, and i will choose him every time. Every time i get knocked down, i will choose love.


I also do not think I understand the logistics of letting go. I thought letting go means admitting you may not have children ever and yet be able to live happily with this understanding and accepting it – simply cannot do!! ever!! am I hopeless?

kits, I so wish I could also be blissfully ignorant as I was at the beginning of this journey. When I decided it was time I stopped living my life for myself and that I was ready to devote the rest of it to my children we had sex with no protection for the first time in our relationship. I had no idea what CD I was but I was absolutely sure that one time was sufficient. I was so happy. it was only 4 years ago that I was so naïve and happy. now I am very knowledgeable and miserable. but neither ignorance nor knowledge brought me a pregnancy…

My herbs are not nice but much better than what my previous doc prescribed, that formula was just undrinkable! It was a willpower exercise every time I needed to drink it, the smell and taste were just beyond anything nasty I tried before

afm, OPK was still negative this morning but plenty of EWCM (now that we do not BD I can perfectly distinguish it from everything else), left ovary is still in pain. I am so hoping my CBFM just freaked out and gave me a false PEAK yesterday….

 

[Blythe]

Kits - i have not used OPKs for about 3 months and i have to say i have enjoyed not using them.....there is something about an approaching dark line or seeing that darn smiley face that makes me a bit frantic...I start nagging and getting stressed. Having said all of this i brought some at the weekend as i want to see that my cycles get back on track after all those horrid fertility drugs i have taken.

my herbs are ok tasting which makes me question their effectiveness. I reckon if it tastes bad it must be doing something amazing inside!! i predict only good things ahead for you and I look forward to hearing how you respond to the new treatment plan.

Briss - how was the HSG? i found mine very painful...for a few seconds at least. hopefully it will give the sperm a bit more room to move around.

i was thinking about sperm last night and low counts. If you and DH BD every night for about 4 days then that is potentially 20million sperm hanging around isn't it. That aside, i do hope that ovulation holds off for a day or two and you get a chance to BD beforehand.

i have a very religious friend who was praying for my IVF to be successful...i found strength in her faith and i see what comfort it has given her over the years. i do pray myself...and have found myself doing it a fair bit over the last year...obviously all fertility related but ask for stuff from the universe rather than a god.

I'm afraid i find some of the religious stuff a bit too much. I read through BFP announcements and see how the women are praising the lord for allowing them to become pregnant. And even those who have suffered to get there are singing his praises....that he had a plan all along. Has he really got time to test people's faith like that. i don't buy it. i don't like how this stuff makes people feel guilty.....I don't like these words at all

He gave me silence instead of answers, to see if I would notice.
He watched me endure loss to see how resilient i was made.
He removed my hope to see if I would fight for it back.

 

[Briss]

CD 10 and I am still spotting and quite a lot. very unhappy about this cycle.

basically what I had today was apparently a dummy ET and 3D SIS which is not exactly like HSG cos they do not check your tubes, just the cervix and uterus. Everything was fine except my cervix was closed. no idea why cos my actual ET was very straightforward. he had to open it which was tolerable. he said cervix looked fine so the spotting is most likely coming from the uterus. how can it be while the cervix is closed? anyway, they are going to recommend Dilapan dilators for 3 hours a week before ET to keep my cervix open for the real thing.

Blythe, it got me thinking that it's possible the issue is with your cervix? in which case IUI should definitely resolve the issue. Although it's also possible that CBFM was right and I ovulated already hence the closed cervix.

They said we should not TTC anymore cos things will move very quickly from here and they do not want a risk of mc from natural conception at this stage. not sure I go for this cos I now have open cervix! really do not know what to make of it and how quickly they can go if the review of our case has not taken place yet so I do not know if we are getting the funding. it may still take a while. On the other hand I am taking antibiotics today and rectally overnight which is probably going to destroy any sperm that dares to enter…

 

[Briss]

Blythe, re religion, I agree. My mum is very religious and in the past her prayers were answered and I witnessed a small miracle (possibly just a coincidence but something extremely unusual and almost impossible to believe). When my fiancé died I was only 20 and it was such a shock that without religion I would most likely ended up in a psychiatric facility. believing that there was a reason for a young 28 year old healthy and most kind man to die kept me sane for a few years. Obviously as I grew older and saw more of the world it all lost any sense.

When I read that poem I thought a person must be a very acute masochist to be in peace with this, you must enjoy suffering to be a religious person otherwise I just cant explain it. The downside is of course I find it impossible to let go because there might not be anyone there to catch me

 

[alison29]

Blythe i have a hard time with the "gods plan" bit too. It's actually one of my pet peeves. Why is God's plan that my SIL or many others have multiple healthy children at will and a good friend of mine took her 2 years to get pregnant and the baby has a major heart defect (missing left ventricle) The gods plan thing just doesn't sit well.

 

[kits]

Regarding religion & your poem, I have to admit I am nowhere near what my mom would like me to be.

All I can be is as Christian as I can be, which in my opinion is more important. I know that religious people think that's a cop out but I struggle with believing the bible literally & I do think that a lot of religious people are not very Christian. I genuinely want to help everyone as much as I possibly can but I don't always know how.

I do pray, I mainly pray for people to stop suffering. I pray for good things to come to you ladies. When I pray it's to not get in an accident or get caught when I speed (by speeding I mean doing 77-80 on the freeway) if I'm running late. I don't speed if I'm on time-ish.

I also pray when I've had bfp's, big time. I try not to pray for trivial matters (despite my speeding ) as I would like my prayers to get noticed & I'm not shallow.

Apart from that, I'm very realistic. I know that at any moment any of us could die & that life is just not fair.

For me faith is believing in greater good. Whether it's a greater power, a miracle or a s simple gentle act of kindness. Even if I don't like someone I will make sure to say something to them that I think will make them feel better because I believe in being good.

So that brings me to the poem.

The bit I liked the least was:
If i didn't get what i wanted, when i wanted it. Would it change how i felt towards him?

In Latin & catholic families everything is based around fear & tbh I think that just causes too many issues. I don't want to fear someone or something I'm supposed to have unconditional love or trust in. The need to be tested is ridiculous. If you have pure faith then nothing should budge you.

I mean seriously, if you're going to determine your faith based on whether you get what you wanted when you wanted it then that's just downright petty & pathetic, which again brings me to why I'm not keen on religious tendencies.

If the devil* approached me, offering me children in exchange for my soul/faith/beliefs/etc.Then I wouldn't take his offer. No hesitation. I want children based on something good & from love, end of. Why that'd even be question for someone of faith is beyond me.

 

[kits]

Um mmmm.... So sorry for going off on a major tangent there. Not sure if I actually answered the question

 

[kits]

God's will, God's plan... Well that gets thrown around quite a bit, but whatever brings you comfort. Who am I to judge?

Science & nature are just as brilliant!!!!!

 

[kits]

Briss, maybe for you faith, religion or whatever can be wherever/whenever you can find inner peace. Sometimes we have to just dig incredibly deep to find it. Maybe try to search for that instead of how to let go. Does that make sense? I do hope it's not cliché.

Once you find that then maybe you'll feel better.

I went to a christening last month and tbh I was absolutely dreading it. But we got very lost so we missed the church bit which really upset me. I don't get to go to church much but when I do I get a peaceful humble feeling that's very comforting.

Anyways, when we eventually met up with the group instead of being filled with envy I was quite content. They got lucky and why is that not worth celebrating? They're baby girl is beautiful & precious and the couple really do love each other.Since then I stopped being envious when I see babies or pregnant.

I'm really truly sorry about your loss of your fiancée. That must've been a horrible & dark time for you. Surviving that may be what also gives you strength during your TTC battles.

A million

 

[Briss]

This cycle is way too off, CD 11, OPK is still negative but temp has gone up and I do feel like I ovulated already because sex drive is just not there anymore, but I will carry wasting my digital OPK for the next couple of days just to be sure but it looks like CBFM was spot on as usual so I most likely ovulated on CD10 which is shockingly early even for me!!

why is this happening? as soon as I got a bit of good news with no pre AF spotting and later O thinking that my cycle is improving I get the crappiest cycle ever! either I have a cyst that messed it all up (still strange cos I have cysts from time to time but they do not affect my cycles like this) or the herbs are doing something. I do not know how else to explain this unusual activity. I really hope this is just a one off cycle though...

we did not BD as I was taking lots of antibiotics yesterday + rectally overnight, also thought it best not to BD with open cervix because of the possible infection. I am lucky DH is taking me on holidays so hopefully a bit of sun will help me get through a wasted cycle. I have not wasted a cycle since my lap two years ago, I guess my failed second IVF can also come under this category but was far more traumatic.

 

[Breaking Dawn]

Blythe...I'm shocked on your behalf of the dr and clinic. im furious for you. How dare they fail you in your trust. You are strong...I'm rooting for you.

As for the religious discussion. I do believe in God....but i find it hard to believe that prayer is the answer....bc look at all the suffering. he may be there to give us strength when we need it and that's part of the reason we keep going. But i dont know if we stop trying and just pray...if thats enough??

Just me thinking out loud after reading the poem.

 

[alison29]

How fun some time in the sun away from responsibility. I love getting away from my house and chores.

Breaking dawn I get what you are saying I think you have take action in addition to "praying" or whatever a person calls it.

 

[alison29]

Kits I just saw your post thanks for sharing your religious viewpoint. My dh or someone told my kids they would go to hell for being "bad" or whatever, I don't even believe in hell I told them but that is just my belief you can believe whatever you want. I try to push the karma concept and point out when they are mean spirited almost always soemthing bad happens right back to them. The devil concept can be so real to children and not be just a symbol of bad energy and evil (the scary man with the red horns) I told them just because someone says something doesn't mean its true. That was a huge lightbulb moment for me in life. I don't know where karma comes into ttc though. My friend who is ttc (for 2+) says in a former life she must have really had a lot of kids and been so done with it and wished upon herself to really have a hard time having them the next go around.

 

[alison29]

Have fun in the sun briss. Isn't your cervix open while ovulating so it should be ok to bd plus you are on antibiotics. I would keep checking opk if I were you. Ibuprofen always screws up my O pattern. did you take any of that?

 

[Blythe]

so t

 

[Briss]

Blythe, your eggs were fine and I am sure they would have fertilised with ICSI or if they were not over stimmed with IVF. your body did marvellously! I just cant believe you could not get a bit more luck with your clinic. I wish I knew what to say but I am struggling myself at the moment to make sense of anything. I'd carry on with TCM so you could get your body back to normal as soon as you can. I know I state the obvious but you have a plan of moving out of London at some point – this could take your mind of things for a while. How's your corset making going?

I wish I knew how to let go, I am not even sure I want to. I am only considering letting go cos it supposed to get me pregnant … my every breath is about getting pregnant I do very little of what does not bring me closer to pregnancy. If I already had a child maybe I would not be so focused but as things stand I cant imagine wasting my few fertility years on career or anything else. that's just not something I can live with.

I also do not know what to believe but I am beginning to feel that there is some kind of negative energy out there that makes my life a misery. and not enough positive energy to protect me. I was looking at my pictures before TTC in 2009 and I looked so much younger. I was happy for a short while and then it all changed for the worse in 2010 and has been like that every since. I do not know how to change my fortune for the better

alison, I did not take Ibuprofen cos I wanted to feel everything that's happening during the procedure. It was uncomfortable and a little painful when he was opening the cervix but tolerable. I have no idea why my cervix was closed - he could not explain it either. I wish I could believe we have many lives and may have children in my other life. I know that our perception is limited and the world is much bigger than we can perceive but since we are here and are given a certain number of things we can do or control or feel etc I see no reason to forget about this life and live in some imaginary world of the bible or some other religious book. I am interested in what's happening here in this life and I also feel that having a baby and giving life is the only miracle we can do here. No other experience you can get in this life even comes close.

Sometimes I think that hell is real and it has a name – LTTTC!

re poem, there was a similar story in the bible about a couple who could not have children and then the God gave them a son when they were very old. but when the boy grew up the God demanded that the farther sacrificed his son to him. basically just to check his loyalty. there are movies about this story and everyone praises the strength of the father's faith. I personally think this is pure cruelty. not surprisingly in many languages religious people call themselves literally slaves of God. Why believe in God who wants you as a slave with no will of your own? what's the point of living if you are not actually free, you are here to live smb else's plan for you.

do not get me started on the God's plan. Why is God's plan that a man imprisons his own daughter and rapes her for 19 years while she gives him children (no issues with TTC here!) which are also imprisoned all their life. sick but it actually happened in Austria. but there is no point trying to explain this to a religious person cos they just say humans are so stupid there must be something that we just cant see but the god knows it all better.

Breaking Dawn, there must be something in the prayer cos it is vital in so many religions. maybe it helps you focus your mind I do not know. In the past it helped me think that I am doing something to help in situations where there was nothing I could do except pray.

kits, I so wish I knew where to find my inner peace. I am not in piece with myself and my life and how can I be? I am happy for my friends who have children but seeing them gives me terrible pain because it reminds me of my personal tragedy. It's not even jealousy cos I do not want what they have. I survived a lot of things I just do not understand why I am supposed to be always surviving rather than getting thing easily in life?

The problem with making contracts with the devil as we all know is that he will most definitely cheat. but making contracts with God seems to be no better cos he can take it all away as he pleases just to test your faith.

I was just looking at your chart, maybe your body tried to o on CD 14/15 but could not for some reason and then tried again later in the cycle on CD 24? Have you ever done cycle monitoring? it's when they do bloods and scans throughout the cycle to see how things work. might be worse asking your FS.

 

[Blythe]

Briss - thank you for your words - they always help me so much. i hope your holiday is soon and it provides some relief from this pain. i have not sewed for a while.....you have reminded me that i must get a new project going as i find it so very absorbing. For me its almost like meditation. the last thing i did was a lace which i made from scratch to embellish the bride's bodice. She had an ivory gown but had the original silver/crystal/white trim taken off and asked me to create one to go with her bridal colours, champagne, blush and cream....my favourites. I did it in a embroidery frame and it took bloody hours over the course of many days. i did that whilst watching sex in the city and found myself quite content. I'm not sure if the pic shows the detail but you get the idea.

we have been looking to get something called a turbo trainer in the flat so i can use DH's road bike to train. I'm going to try and get some fat off and get stronger...also added benefit i can watch TV whilst getting fit!

Briss - you are doing everything you can to get pregnant and i really do admire you so much. i might look at how we can cultivate positive energy....i will of course pass on key tips and any magic solutions i come across.

please keep going and it WILL happen

 

[Briss]

Blythe, this is just so beautiful!! you did this all by yourself? OMG! how long did it take you to learn to do that? I did not realise you started taking on clients. you are so confident! this is really positive. I also need to start thinking about alternative way to make money.

DH got some kind of trainer to exercise at home but it's just not as good as the gym one

I got Zita West's CD with visualising exercises. It's just 20 min and it is similar to what I've been doing myself but somehow when smb else tells you to imagine your perfect eggs it has a stronger effect. I will try to do that daily and I will also get her IVF CD.

I always find your posts so positive, what you say makes sense and I somehow find strength to go on

I've been agonisingly thinking about my cycle and came up with two reasons for what's going on (i) my FSh was super high for some reason this cycle which made my ovaries work super fast and as a result I ovulated early. no idea why FSh is this high this cycle though. (ii) I have a functional cyst that is making lots of estrogen, so my estrogen went up and LH reacted to higher estrogen and surged before its time. You can tell I've been watching House md

 

[Briss]

I am so upset today, CD 12 OPK is negative, temp is up and I have a lot of brown spotting!!! WTF? I never ever spot after O and definitely not in such amounts, it almost looks like AF is starting. maybe I did not even O this cyle which will be the first time ever for me. My cycle is completely screwed. I wonder if I should stop acu/herbs altogether. I had short cycles and minor spotting issues but never this bad.