Church (just have to write it down, no need to reply)

[Mynxie]

It's only been a few months really, but I started going to Church again about March. I usually go through the week cause it's too busy on a Sunday and I don't like crowds. So I was at Church on Thursday and it was a saint's day, and she is the patron saint of mothers.

It's one of those times that it hits hard, one of those unexpected times that it stings and you have to fight back tears.

So we get to the bidding prayers and through the week the priest always asks if anyone would like to add something. So I said something along the lines of "we pray for all the parents of children who have passed away" and trying desperately not to blubber.

Someone I know has recently MCd too so maybe that's not helping.

But it was just one of those times where I just couldn't hold myself together properly, when things took me by surprise and my heart ached. I know that the only chance that I'll ever have to be a mother has most likely passed with the 3 I've lost but for some reason that's almost tollerable that we may never have a LO, however I still hurt for the 3 LOs we lost.

But I don't know. What am I grieving for? I never felt the babies move - I MCd far too early for that, theoretically I couldn't have bonded with them, I imagined what things could be like, yes, but my LOs as much as I love them, I'm finding it hard to understand what I'm grieving for, my selfishness of wanting a family? lives that should have been? lives that could have been? Dreams that we had for them? I don't know, I don't understand. All I know is that they're my babies and it tears me up that I couldn't carry them, even after all of this time (nearly 2 years since my last MC, over 4 years since my first) and I feel so guilty, especially about the second one.

I dunno. Just had to write it all down somewhere I guess.

 

[AlwaysPraying]

I hope it's ok that I am replying? You have every right to all of your feelings no matter what they are. Grief comes in strange packages sometimes. It's hard to understand and harder to deal with. I think it's really ok to grieve no matter how far along you were. And to grieve over your hopes, dreams and wants. There is nothing selfish about that at all. To be a mother is selfless, it's giving up yourself to raise another person, to do the best for that other person. You want what many women have, and what comes easily to many women. Pain, hurt, sadness, all of that is normal and almost expected.

I've been told time and time again, don't question your emotions and your reactions. You feel how you feel and it's ok, no matter what. There's many women like you out there, we can't all be wrong!

 

[trying4#1]

"What am I grieving for?" - you are grieving for a wanted baby. i lost my baby at 22 weeks and used to be upset that i never mc'ed earlier. however, i think that when you are ttc, you form that bond as soon as you find out you are preg. so even though you never felt your babies move, while ttc and when you found out you were pg you were aware of what you needed to do such as eating, physical activity etc. so the preg had already impacted your life. you have every right to grieve for your lost baby. you do not have to feel it move to grieve for a life that you wanted to create, created and then lost.

you are absolutely not selfish for wanting a family. you have the maternal instinct and want to put it into practice. its abit like saying, "dont follow your hearts desire" if you were to not try for a family. when you find out your pg, it is natural to already have known when baby would have been due, especially when you have been ttc and so you start thinking about the weather at that time, when it would start school etc. you were not wrong in thinking about a life with baby, cos he/she was what you worked hard to achieve.

you are right, they were your babies adn they still are their mother. they are with you every minute of the day. you have lost them physically but not spiritually. never feel guilty about losing a baby. i do not know if you believe in destiny, but i believe mine came with his own destiny and 22 weeks was all it was. even now, i explain to oh that whatever god wants from us, he will get. we can try to preempt situations adn make sure they do/dont happen, but at the end of the day, he is the decider, not us. so, basically, you should not feel guilty. no no no. you cannot be blamed for what god willed.

i do not know if this reply has helped, although that is my aim. i felt your pain in what you wrote and would have given you a hug if i could have, but felt that maybe the above words could somehow console you. i apologise if they have not helped at all.

 

[Mrs Doddy]

There are times and places that are going to make you feel sad or bring everything back and its hard when that happens, but maybe times after that its not so bad

Please do not give up hope sweetie

I can relate to the feelings that you are having about the grieving and why are you grieving, I have been thinking that myself but we have every right to grieve we were mummys, even for a short time, we loved our babies and were helping them to grow, I know that I had a nickname for our baby and spent every moment thinking about what we were going to do as a family and with our friends when the baby was born and the future. I don't know how far gone you were - I was three months and knew from the end of that cycle that I was pregnant so knew for 2 months - and although that doesn't sound like a long time it is when your head is full of happy thoughts and plans, so when it all gets taken away it is only natural to be upset and sad and think about what might have been. I know myself that I feel that at 7 weeks on I should be ok now and "back to normal" whatever that is, Im not and don't know how long it will take and I am probably beating myself up for that - and I think that you are too I hope that I have made sense and that my ramblings have helped understand that you should be feeling like you are xxx

 

[Mynxie]

thank you ladies.

I suppose I thought that I'd got to the stage after all this time that I could manage with the unexpected times where your heart just wants to break and everything like that. I mean, it's been nearly 2 years since our last MC, so quite along time really. It just threw me a bit.

I suppose that it's always something that's going to haunt me, not that I wouldn't want to remember or anything like that, but I don't want to be so upset, not infront of other people I suppose.

I don't know, I suppose that it's one of those things that you learn to live with.

 

[AnnaBanana9]

Huge honey and sending you much love, as ever.

 

[niusia]

You are griving for your babies. no matter what everybody is trying to convince me, those few cells make a proper baby not just a few cells which can be "removed" if unconvinient. I lost a baby not a "product"

 

[Mynxie]

You are griving for your babies. no matter what everybody is trying to convince me, those few cells make a proper baby not just a few cells which can be "removed" if unconvinient. I lost a baby not a "product"

That's what they tried to convince me too then said in the next breath that maybe I wasn't pregnant at all after my second MC. My second MC our baby was absorbed into my body and although obviously it's nothing I could have possibly done, I feel so guilty. 10 positive pregnancy tests, a list as long as my arm of pregnancy symptoms for however long, 3 doctors telling me I was pregnant and that stupid bitch was saying "oh well, maybe you weren't" She had me furious TBH, and of course I was on the abortion ward which made me feel sick. People wanting babies desperately, some trying desperately to hold onto them, others dealing with the devistating news that their LOs had died and others chosing to abort, twisted scenario TBH, the whole ordeal made me feel sick and angry and still does. Her face still haunts me TBH.

It's just weird how something you don't expect, knocks you for 6 and brings all of it rushing back. TBH I think the priest realised that I'd got upset, cause of the words of his next bidding prayer "we pray for those who need healing, physically, emotionally and mentally..."

 

[jacky24]

Hey beautiful lady...

All i wanted to say to you is that you are only human.... and i know you have so many emotions that you keep bottled up inside and for me also being very active in my church.... you know as much as i know that only our FATHER above knows exactly how you feel..... he is the one that trully understands.....

Ooo mynxie after CJ i was a general BAWL MY EYES out during prayer or a very good service.... and it is normal as HE would not judge us....



Im sorry that you have been thru what you have been.. BUT we all know you never give up... and that makes you one of a kind....