It's only been a few months really, but I started going to Church again about March. I usually go through the week cause it's too busy on a Sunday and I don't like crowds. So I was at Church on Thursday and it was a saint's day, and she is the patron saint of mothers. It's one of those times that it hits hard, one of those unexpected times that it stings and you have to fight back tears. So we get to the bidding prayers and through the week the priest always asks if anyone would like to add something. So I said something along the lines of "we pray for all the parents of children who have passed away" and trying desperately not to blubber. Someone I know has recently MCd too so maybe that's not helping. But it was just one of those times where I just couldn't hold myself together properly, when things took me by surprise and my heart ached. I know that the only chance that I'll ever have to be a mother has most likely passed with the 3 I've lost but for some reason that's almost tollerable that we may never have a LO, however I still hurt for the 3 LOs we lost. But I don't know. What am I grieving for? I never felt the babies move - I MCd far too early for that, theoretically I couldn't have bonded with them, I imagined what things could be like, yes, but my LOs as much as I love them, I'm finding it hard to understand what I'm grieving for, my selfishness of wanting a family? lives that should have been? lives that could have been? Dreams that we had for them? I don't know, I don't understand. All I know is that they're my babies and it tears me up that I couldn't carry them, even after all of this time (nearly 2 years since my last MC, over 4 years since my first) and I feel so guilty, especially about the second one. I dunno. Just had to write it all down somewhere I guess.