Coming to terms with less children than you planned

[MumToEva]

My husband and I have always had different ideas on how many children we should have. In fact we nearly split up when we were going out because he didn't want children and i knew I would end up resenting him if I didn't have the chance to have kids. He changed his mind, we got married and had 2 kids who we both adore.

Thing is, in my mind I've always wanted 3 or 4 children, and he says 2 is his limit. I'm slowly coming to terms with it. My husband's patience isn't always the greatest, though he tries hard, and I know another child would push that. I'm also enjoying coming out the other side of the baby stage - they both sleep through now, they can tell me what they need instead of having to guess, I love their company and chat, I don't need to cart all sorts of baby stuff with me every time I leave the house, and I'm starting to look forward to foreign holidays etc now that they are getting older. We'd also have a more comfortable life with just the 2, and we are both in our mid 30s, so would need to get on with it if we did want any more kids anyway.

But ... our spare room / attic is full of neatly packed boxes of baby stuff, just in case, I can't help but get a little jealous when friends are pregnant / have a baby, and I haven't quite let go of the idea that he might change his mind in time!

How's everyone else finding coming to terms with having less children than they planned?

 

[AP]

I want 3, i do, but realistically I dont think it's going to happen. i think DH feels the same but is firmer with his no than me

I have days I get a little sad, but I have to throw myself into my hobbies - and i couldnt do what i do now if I had another.

 

[george83]

I have 3 which is what I wanted but I still feel the way you do so in some ways I think it's the realisation you might never have another as opposed to not having as many as you'd like. We would really struggle going from 3 to 4 financially and practically but my heart already aches to go through it all again. Ds3 was born early my emergency c section and then spent 2 weeks in scbu so I feel like I missed out on so much that it makes me desperate to do it again

 

[LoraLoo]

DH only wanted 2. We're currently expecting number 8 🙈
Would he regret having another? Likely not- you never regret the children you have, but would you regret not having another? It sounds that way. See if you can work on him! 😉

 

[lau86]

Well I always wanted three, I've got my way but this pregnancy has been sooooo hard I'm really starting to wonder what I've let myself in for and whether I can actually cope.

 

[MumToEva]

in some ways I think it's the realisation you might never have another as opposed to not having as many as you'd like

I suspect you may be right there - if I had known my pregnancy with my son was goingto be my last, I would have savoured it so much more!

 

[george83]

in some ways I think it's the realisation you might never have another as opposed to not having as many as you'd like

I suspect you may be right there - if I had known my pregnancy with my son was goingto be my last, I would have savoured it so much more!

Me too, as mine was early I never had a chance to go shopping for all the things that I needed or even buy him his 'coming home' outfit. Then because of him being in special care the nurses changed his first nappy, gave him his first bottle etc etc, I missed out on so much and want to get that back

 

[BabyCleo]

My DH and I agreed on 3, we are both happy with that number. I have an awesome baby - but the pregnancy was rough as all hell. I had hyperemesis gravidum until 31 weeks... infected placenta, and a pretty interesting birth (over stimulated uterus, that left me with a 4 hour long contraction before my uterus released) and I don't know if I can ever do it again. I think we would go for 2, but 3.... my next pregnancy better be awesome, but ive been warned it may be worse.

 

[AP]

Me too, as mine was early I never had a chance to go shopping for all the things that I needed or even buy him his 'coming home' outfit. Then because of him being in special care the nurses changed his first nappy, gave him his first bottle etc etc, I missed out on so much and want to get that back

I don't know if this will help but I used to feel the same - DD1 was in NICU for 11 weeks I thought having my second would fix that feeling of nappies, feeds, baths....

Then I had DD2 and it was quite a realisation that having it with my second did not replace those feelings of missing out. I did it all, bf, nappies...but i still felt the same emptyness - this wasnt DD1, i still missed out with DD1, nothing could change that. It made me feel even more guilt and frustration.

It was at that point I had to learn to have some acceptance that it was never meant to be. I realised having DD2 wasnt a healer but time was. I hope you find some peace with this hun - time will help more than anything

 

[george83]

Me too, as mine was early I never had a chance to go shopping for all the things that I needed or even buy him his 'coming home' outfit. Then because of him being in special care the nurses changed his first nappy, gave him his first bottle etc etc, I missed out on so much and want to get that back

I don't know if this will help but I used to feel the same - DD1 was in NICU for 11 weeks I thought having my second would fix that feeling of nappies, feeds, baths....

Then I had DD2 and it was quite a realisation that having it with my second did not replace those feelings of missing out. I did it all, bf, nappies...but i still felt the same emptyness - this wasnt DD1, i still missed out with DD1, nothing could change that. It made me feel even more guilt and frustration.

It was at that point I had to learn to have some acceptance that it was never meant to be. I realised having DD2 wasnt a healer but time was. I hope you find some peace with this hun - time will help more than anything

Thank you for this and I'm sure your right, I missed doing all of those things for him and nothing can change that. I also hear stories like yours and feel selfish for thinking that way - my Lo was only in scbu for 2 weeks, how did you cope for 11 weeks, I hope everything is ok now x x

 

[AP]

Thank you for this and I'm sure your right, I missed doing all of those things for him and nothing can change that. I also hear stories like yours and feel selfish for thinking that way - my Lo was only in scbu for 2 weeks, how did you cope for 11 weeks, I hope everything is ok now x x

Concentrate on the tough cookie he is, and how proud he made you.

Doesnt matter how long the stay is honey, it doesnt make your feelings any less valid Thanks, she is a happy 6 year old now

 

[Angelbaby_01]

Me too, as mine was early I never had a chance to go shopping for all the things that I needed or even buy him his 'coming home' outfit. Then because of him being in special care the nurses changed his first nappy, gave him his first bottle etc etc, I missed out on so much and want to get that back

I don't know if this will help but I used to feel the same - DD1 was in NICU for 11 weeks I thought having my second would fix that feeling of nappies, feeds, baths....

Then I had DD2 and it was quite a realisation that having it with my second did not replace those feelings of missing out. I did it all, bf, nappies...but i still felt the same emptyness - this wasnt DD1, i still missed out with DD1, nothing could change that. It made me feel even more guilt and frustration.

It was at that point I had to learn to have some acceptance that it was never meant to be. I realised having DD2 wasnt a healer but time was. I hope you find some peace with this hun - time will help more than anything

Funny enough, I am realising the same thing. What frustrates me is the amazing bond I have with DD2, but still feel it isn't the same with DD1 although I love her crazy much. In a way I still feel robbed.

Having a 3rd? Like I always dreamed off..........time will tell, not only have I rollercoaster feelings about, but we can't afford another right now.

 

[LuvallmyH]

My last baby is 3 weeks old, and my eighth. We need to be done. Dh is 55, I'm 39. All of our children are wanted, happy, healthy, and loved. And yet... my heart hurts to be done. I don't believe I will be one of the women who says "I knew I was done & felt done." I am going to have to make the choice to be done. My dh has been done for a while. He sort of gives in to make me happy. He does say he's not been done enough to take away the joy I get from having children. Obviously he enjoys them as well. It's tough when you are not on the same page.

 

[calm]

Due to being so ill after birth, due to them being two babies, due to the fact there was always someone holding the other baby I couldn't, I do ache after having a single baby that I could wear on a sling and be mine all the time. I hated pregnancy and for many reasons didn't enjoy newborns. But after those first few months, and despite how tough it is, I am very happy and love my children to bits. Sometimes feel sad that this is it. Doesn't help I have 1 little embrio left and I think about he or she a lot. But for many many reasons I know this has to be it, and I'm trying to concentrate on what I have, that I know is a lot X

 

[StranjeGirl]

DH only wanted 2. We're currently expecting number 8 🙈
Would he regret having another? Likely not- you never regret the children you have, but would you regret not having another? It sounds that way. See if you can work on him! 😉

ha ha ha I'm going to tell dh that. Maybe if I say I want 8 then 3 won't sound too bad to him!!

OP- yes I would like another and dh says no more. It's a hard decision- even for me and I"m the one who wants 3. I just keep thinking about grandchildren!! I try to remind myself that I can probably give 2 more than I can give 3. We may be able to take more trips together and do more things as 3 would be more expensive in general due ot school costs, food etc etc. I definitely know the feeling and I'm sorry you feel that way. It's so hard to not feel quite complete.

 

[MumToEva]

DH only wanted 2. We're currently expecting number 8 🙈
Would he regret having another? Likely not- you never regret the children you have, but would you regret not having another? It sounds that way. See if you can work on him! 😉

ha ha ha I'm going to tell dh that. Maybe if I say I want 8 then 3 won't sound too bad to him!!

OP- yes I would like another and dh says no more. It's a hard decision- even for me and I"m the one who wants 3. I just keep thinking about grandchildren!! I try to remind myself that I can probably give 2 more than I can give 3. We may be able to take more trips together and do more things as 3 would be more expensive in general due ot school costs, food etc etc. I definitely know the feeling and I'm sorry you feel that way. It's so hard to not feel quite complete.

That's what I'm trying to do - concentration the positives of only having 2. But you've hit the nail on the head - I don't feel quite complete. Hope this feeling fades in time

 

[SAmummy]

My DH wanted 2, I convinced him for a 3rd and now we have 4

Just a warning though, the feeling doesn't go away for everyone. I thought it would after no 3 and I would feel done, but didn't. Then when no 4 came along as a surprise I was determined to have the "perfect" birth and enjoy every pregnancy moment until the end, but of course I got impatient again I had my almost perfect birth, but still find myself wanting to go back and change something like how I went to hospital really early in my labour (the plan was to stay at home as long as possible.) logically it is ridiculous, but I think I actually just love the experience hence wanting to do it again.

Now I still get that nostalgia with a hint of sadness, but I push it to the back of my mind knowing that no matter how many kids I have I will always have the longing for another. That's just how I'm wired. At some point we had to just choose to stop and be happy about it . It also helps to remind yourself that every pregnancy and birth passes pretty quickly in the big scheme of things. That friend you feel a little jealous of is not going to be pregnant or have a newborn for very long