Considering at-home insemination with donor sperm...?

[laurac1988]

All you can do Hun is talk to the donor. Get to know him. Find out his intentions. Although that won't allow you to predict the future per se, it will give you a little piece of mind
I've never heard of that happening. I'm sure it has, but I don't know anyone who it has happened to

 

[burrr]

Brandi, that doesn't apply in the UK.

Mafi, did Natalie tell you that it's rare and that there are steps you can take to prevent it? It was one of her colleagues I spoke to and he said that although it can happen, it isn't at all common. Making a pre-conception agreement which clearly states everyone's expectations puts you in a very strong place to start with, because then you have something on paper which shows that everyone thought through the possible outcomes and issues and made a reasoned decision.

Also, as Laura says, speak to the donor you're considering and get a feel for what he says.

The other thing is, with couples having been taken to court, I was told that this usually occurs when the donor has had some contact with the child and they are pushing for more. And by letting them have contact, you as a couple open yourself up to the risk of them winning. So protect yourself more by making it clear there will be no contact, and sticking to it.

It's not 100% guaranteed, but I think with the right donor, the risks are low. The key is to find that right donor for you. If you can't find someone you feel confident in using, then I would say not to use a known donor at all.

 

[BrandiCanucks]

It's that way here in Canada too. I thought it was different in the UK, sorry.

It happened to my donor, actually, after my youngest, and it made him reluctant to donate to me again. He actually stopped donating, but he agreed to donate to me again, and I'm glad he did cuz my daughter has a full sibling instead of just half-siblings.

He did contracts, and they had agreed that he would never come after custody or access, but that the child could contact seek to meet him when he turned 18, and that if any medical issues came up with the child, that he agreed to provide blood for any DNA testing needed.

Anyway, I guess everything was fine until the child was about 4 and then the mother could no long financially provide for the child and she decided to go against the contract and had him tracked so that she could sue him for child support. He thought he was safe because of the contract but sperm donation outside of a clinic in Canada is actually illegal and the court decided that regardless of the contract, the rights of the child came first and he was ordered to pay child support but when he requested daytime visitation with the child he was now paying for (since the contract was apparently void in court), the judge denied him the request claiming he had purposely abandoned the child and that it would be damaging to the child's wellbeing.

So, I understand why he then decided to stop donating. He's never had any other issues with any of the other women. He's donated to only two women more than once. Although I WAS kind of disappointed to learn that this baby is number 9 for him. He lives two hours away, and the majority of kids live around that area, but it just makes it that much more difficult in the future with my daughter when I tell her. How do you tell a young woman going off to college that she has to be careful if she finds a guy that is part Armenian because it might be her brother? (Of the 9, only 2 are girls)

 

[burrr]

Brandi, that's a hard situation for your donor to find himself in. It's complicated in the UK because if the couple are married or civilly partnered, both of those parents go on the birth certificate so they both have full rights and responsibilities, so technically what happened to your donor couldn't happen to my donor. But I suppose there's always the odd person who does decide to fight against what was previously agreed.

I don't think you should worry about your daughter too much, as long as you introduce the idea of a donor gradually so it's always something she knows, the half brothers thing shouldn't feel like such a big deal. Are there organisations to support donor children that you can contact?

My donor is a sperm clinic donor as well as donating to me and the clinic restrictions in the UK mean that he can father up to 10 families, multiple children in each, so I could end up with a child who has 20-odd siblings. It's just something we'll have to deal with as it arises.

It happens naturally too, my gran tells a story about someone in our family, the generation above her, who was warned off the man she fancied because her dad was a bit of a player & this man was rumoured to be her half brother!

 

[BrandiCanucks]

The intention was not to let her know how she was conceived. She was adopted and is raised by my ex husband (and me), and he's the only dad she's ever known but now that I know she has 10 siblings, it's something that I'm going to have to introduce to her eventually.

 

[burrr]

Oh I see, yes that is a bit more difficult. There's never been any question with us, being in a lesbian relationship you know that eventually you're going to have to discuss donors with the child.

 

[Mafi419]

Well, I was completely clear with the potential donor. We've been exchanging emails for a week or so, and I've told him twice that we do not wish any sort of contact after I successfully conceive. I've told him that he wouldn't even have my full name, phone number or address, city we live in or even country of residence (we might move, we're not British so there is always a possibility we move back to our home countries). I've asked him if he would be ok with this, and I also asked him if he would be willing to sign a pre conception agreement stating all of this. He says that he is totally ok with this, and that he will sign the contract.

I've been searching for court cases that arose in the last few years, and I've only found a hand full. Not one of those cases did the families signed a pre conception agreement, and I think that in all of them the families knew the donor (he was like a family friend) and he had some contact with the child. So yeah, that made me feel safer thank you

 

[burrr]

That sounds very positive! How is your wife feeling about it now?

 

[laurac1988]

Spotting today so AF will arrive in the morning. CD1 of our first cycle actually TTC! Yay!

 

[Mafi419]

Burr, she seems ok with it now, she says that she knows better now. But if we fight or have an argument, that's the first thing she trows into my face "Even the known donor, that I really didn't want, you made me agree with it". We are of latin origin, so she says that very easily and very easily she regrets it. I think that the pre conception agreement was very important for her to accept it. how are things going with you?

Laura, yay for you and good luck

 

[burrr]

Laura, good news! Do you have long to wait for ovulation?

Mafi, as long as she doesn't mean it when she throws it in your face - I guess if you're both a bit fiery you can withstand arguments like that! I can be a bit sharp tongued like that but my wife is very sensitive and takes things to heart so I really have to curb my tongue when I'm angry.

I'm waiting to inseminate again. I started using those CB advanced digital opks but I don't like what I got this morning - CD9 and I've already got a solid face, which seems wrong to me. Going to check with my non-digital ones later because I don't know if I can rely on the digis yet. If the digi is correct, it screws up my plans for inseminating twice this month. I'm meeting my donor tomorrow and it's meant to be the first early, pre-opk insem with another one after my LH surge. But if the digi is right, this is my LH surge already so it'll only be one shot again.

I think I might ditch the stupid advanced digis and just stick with the normal digis and cheap sticks, like I did when I first started tracking my cycle.

 

[laurac1988]

Not sure about ovulation as I have a tendency to be a bit irregular. But we're trying soy iso this month so fingers crossed will be before my normal time of cd24-cd30!

That sounds frustrating with the digis. Definitely pee on a cheapie but I reckon if it's a solid face then it's an LH surge... But then you might have picked up a dodgy one. Fx you get to carryout your plan

 

[burrr]

I hope the soy brings it forwards for you, that sounds like a long wait! My ovulation has crept forward a lot in the last year, I think all the IVF and miscarriages has altered it but it means that my cycles are shorter. Good for someone who is so impatient, less waiting.

I've read some not good reviews with these digitals which is why I'm regarding it with some suspicion. But knowing my luck it will just be my body deciding to ovulate stupidly early. Good job I organised an early meeting with the donor already!

Going to go and have a practice with the soft cups again, make sure I can put it in right. The things we do.... Imagine work tomorrow: 'Nice weekend, Burrr?' 'Not bad thanks, spent it inserting and reinserting a softcup. You?'

 

[laurac1988]

Bahahahaha! The softcups are tricky but so useful once you get then right. They save on so much mess x

 

[burrr]

Yeah, I used it last month but worried that somehow it wasn't over my cervix and I was actually keeping the sperm away from it.

I am only using softcups, not syringing it in first, because my donor lives a fair way and we're not using each others' houses so I'm just picking up the pot and heading to some public toilets to pop in the soft cup. No lying around with legs up here! If it doesn't seem to be working I'm going to have to book hotels to lie around in but I'm hoping to avoid that really.

Have you used softcups for your period? I tried them for that but didn't like them, found them a hassle and stuck to tampons.

 

[laurac1988]

Yeah I love them for my period

 

[Mafi419]

I had to compromise on some things with my wife, so I agreed the insemination wouldn't happen in our house (it wasn't so much about the insemination itself, but the donor doing what he has to do in order to give us the sperm inside our house). I agreed to book a hotel room (probably a hostel), I had to.

I've heard about those cups, but let me be graphic: are you supposed to insert those cups inside you after you've inseminated yourself? When do you stop? Is it like tampons (is it supposed to stay in the same place as tampons)? For how long do you wear it?

 

[burrr]

I put the donation directly into the cup with a syringe then put the cup inside me. I mixed a little conceive plus with it. It's lubrication that is safe for sperm, most lubrications aren't sperm friendly. It can help the sperm live a bit longer. You can leave a softcup in for up to 12 hours, I think.

This time, because the donor produced more sperm than I expected, I might put a little directly into me with the syringe then put the rest in the cup and put it in me. But I'll see how much he produces this time.

We didn't want the donor at our house so he doesn't know where we live, and I think he feels the same. It's just an extra layer of protection.

 

[GrassRoots]

Mafi, I inserted the semen w/ a syringe, left the syringe in for about 10 minutes or so, slooooowly pulled it out, left my butt propped up for at least half an hour, and then slid in a Softcup afterward with a bit of Preeseed inside of it. We always did the insems in the evening so I'd just keep it in until the next morning and then pull it out. Worked on the second try both times (4 insems total, 50% success rate).

Brandi, congrats on finding out it's a little boy!! Loooove the sono pic, so perfect! Also interesting to find out you're not planning to tell the baby about using a donor. This is something we haven't totally decided yet, either. I lean towards saying nothing but I guess we have plenty of time to figure out those hard details!

 

[beth_terri]

Hi guys, just wanted to ask a few questions really. How do you go about finding an anonymous donor? My girlfriend desperately wants a baby of her own but has it in her head that it will never happen as its so expensive to go with a fertility clinic. Id like to show her there are other options.

Thanks x