Considering at-home insemination with donor sperm...?

[ArtsyTTC2014]

+OPK today and donor let us down. Absolutely gutted but will just have to wait for next cycle now. Don't know whether to stick with him or try and find another donor. He says he's unavailable for the rest of the week too. I just think if he was going to be unavailable all week he should have let us know before so we didn't get our hopes up

I am so so sorry. Our last cycle had a similar issue its such a let down. If it were me I would look for a back up donor :\

Hope you're able to find a silver lining this week

 

[middleeast]

Tonight will be our last insemination for this cycle, and will start the long TWW, I really wish we can get BFP this cycle because I feel my marriage is affected by doing AI instead of NI because of the Performance Anxiety ED.

when do you think a blood test can be made???

 

[Mafi419]

Hi Maf!!
First, con grads on starting the journey - I'm new too.
I don't have any MOT advice but you could consider only using the couple inseams. My OH and I are doing 1 insem a month for a few months (hopefully we have a bfp sooner than later but ya know…) Is the goal in your situation to not pay shipping fees multiple times?

Regardless I hope someone else can answer your question And of course best of luck to you and your OH!

Hi ArtsyTTC2014! Thank you for the reply. Well, it would be a good thing to avoid multiple shipping fees, because the shipping fees are almost as much as the vials (220 euros each time we have it shipped)! And also because I read somewhere that we should inseminate at least twice per cycle...I was thinking of trying it 3 times at 18 hours after +OP, 24h and 36h. But the more I think about this, the more anxious I get.

How is it going for you and your OH? best of luck

 

[lilaclily]

Hey everyone, I'm CD7. Hubby is visiting this weekend, so we should be able to fit a few insems in - will be earlier than usual but let's hope the spermies keep swimming for a few days and hang in there. I'm going to stay positive.

Middleeast, I totally know how you and your wife would be feeling. But hang in there. At least you already have a little girl. Therefore you *know* it's possible.

Meanwhile, I think that we have more than just an ED problem. Hubby said he'd get tested soon so I'll just be patient and hopeful. Fingers crossed everyone!!!

PS. As you've probably read, you can start doing urine HCG checks anytime but probably no point before 10dpo. Re: blood tests, apparently doctors won't do them until you have missed your period.

GOOD LUCK

 

[middleeast]

Hi Lilaclily,

Hope your husband results will be great and good luck this cycle.

We only have hope and to stay positive.

plz keep updating and us

 

[ArtsyTTC2014]

Hi ArtsyTTC2014! Thank you for the reply. Well, it would be a good thing to avoid multiple shipping fees, because the shipping fees are almost as much as the vials (220 euros each time we have it shipped)! And also because I read somewhere that we should inseminate at least twice per cycle...I was thinking of trying it 3 times at 18 hours after +OP, 24h and 36h. But the more I think about this, the more anxious I get.

How is it going for you and your OH? best of luck

Hiya,
I can see how it is optimal to insem multiple times to be sure you hit that window when the little egg makes her debut. I mentioned that to my OH and he agreed we might do that next cycle.

Everything is going well over here, 9DPO and just waiting around - Ive had some different feelings/symptoms I guess but I am trying not to get too excited/worked up (which is proving super difficult.)

Hope you get an answer about MOT soon (if I didn't miss it ha.)

 

[Mafi419]

I really hope that the testing day will be one to celebrate

So, I decided that searching for a donor on a website wouldn't hurt. Just to check every possible solution. I made a profile and today was contacted by a man interested in my profile and willing to talk to me about being our donor.

How do I know he is not just after a lesbian couple? Sorry to be so direct, but I bet most lesbian couples that tried this felt the same. I sent him an email and asked him his motivations and expectations...felt the urge to let him know that we want to do AI and nothing else, but this could be perceived as being very rude so I'm just waiting to see what he replies.

Is it safer to only contact gay guys? I know how this sounds lol but the thought of someone with second thoughts about the all process really frightens me.

 

[laurac1988]

It is a bit of a scary world. My donor is straight. I think as long as you take time to get to know them and follow your gut, you will be fine. Meet in a public place at a time when you are NOT ovulating, just so you can get to know eachother a tiny bit and decide if you both want to go ahead. It's ok to specify AI only but be prepared for NI guys to contact you too - a lot of em will try their luck. Just decline and say your chosen method is AI. There are some wonderful guys out there and just a few bad eggs dotted around. But trust your instincts and you will be fine

Also, ask them for references from previous recipients if they have them

 

[KylasBaby]

I really hope that the testing day will be one to celebrate

So, I decided that searching for a donor on a website wouldn't hurt. Just to check every possible solution. I made a profile and today was contacted by a man interested in my profile and willing to talk to me about being our donor.

How do I know he is not just after a lesbian couple? Sorry to be so direct, but I bet most lesbian couples that tried this felt the same. I sent him an email and asked him his motivations and expectations...felt the urge to let him know that we want to do AI and nothing else, but this could be perceived as being very rude so I'm just waiting to see what he replies.

Is it safer to only contact gay guys? I know how this sounds lol but the thought of someone with second thoughts about the all process really frightens me.

My donor is straight. I did ask him his motivations and we exchanged emails for about a month before I first went to him for a donation. It's all about getting to know them and what you feel in your gut. He was extremely nice and explained he had friends who spent a long time trying to conceive and just wanted to help someone have a child. I drive to his place and waited outside in my car while he produced his donation. It was awkward but he was great about it all. I found him online as well. By the grace of God I conceived my first cycle trying with two inseminations!

 

[Mafi419]

Laura and Kylas, thank you for sharing your experiences

I'm having a hard time convincing my wife on this matter. She really doesn't want to use a known donor. And we are going to order sperm first, but I want to be realistic. I know there's a small chance I'll get pregnant on my first try...and we can't keep paying shipping and sperm fees forever...
I think your testimonials will help her understand that the risks and dangers of using a known donor are not as big as she imagines.

Do any of you ladies (trying At-home insemination) live near West Yorkshire?

Thank you

 

[burrr]

Mafia, I'm not in West Yorkshire, but I am in England.

I've had one attempt with a known donor but it wasn't to be, so I'm waiting to try again with my next ovulation.

Have you thought of ways of protecting yourself with a known donor? If you and your wife look into the legal options that might help her. Have a look at Natalie Gamble's website. They can sell you a pre-conception agreement template for about £250, or you can have a bespoke agreement written for about £2000. I phoned and had a chat with one of their solicitors and he talked me through the options. There's also plenty of info on their website.

The chances of it working with frozen are much slimmer, because frozen only lasts inside you for a few hours, as does the egg, so you've got to time it quite precisely. Using fresh gives you a bigger window of opportunity as fresh sperm can live up to 5 days inside you, so the timings can be less exact. You do really have to trust your known donor though. My wife wasn't keen about using one off the internet, but the guy we use, I know someone who knows him, so he wasn't just a completely random stranger.

 

[Mafi419]

Hi Burr, thank you for the reply.

I've heard of Natalie Gamble and the pre-conception agreement template, but still this wasn't enough to convince her. It just gets to the point where the conversation isn't rational anymore, and her argument turns out to be "We won't use a known donor because I don't want to, and you have to respect me and what I want in this process, even if I'm not the one getting pregnant" - this is after 20 minutes trying to argue with her that everyone uses known donors :/

I've read that frozen sperm lives around 24 hours once inside the woman's body...that is why we really have to try 2 or 3 vials per cycle, because it is very difficult to get the ovulation timing that perfect (to get pregnant using only one vial). I was thinking about inseminating at +18 hours after de +opk, and then at +24h and +36h. Maybe I should change it to +12h, +20h and +30h. I'm not sure anymore :/

 

[burrr]

Hmm, it's frustrating because although she's not the one getting pregnant, she's the one with the least legal rights to the child if anything did go wrong, so I can see why she feels vulnerable using a known donor. You'll always be the bio mum and have those rights, but if the legal situation was to change in the future, or the donor was to challenge it, it would be her that risks losing out.

I wouldn't like to comment on the timings of frozen sperm, but there is a place I know you could ask. I don't know if I'm allowed to mention other forums on here but there's a thread on a forum called Fertility Friends, the thread is 'Cryos Denmark' in the Donor Sperm section. (Apologies to the mods if this is against the rules.) It is really long and has lots of women doing what you're doing. I read some of it, when I was considering doing it that way. I don't know if there have been any successes. But they might be able to help you out on timings.

 

[Mafi419]

Yeah, I see her point but it makes it really difficult to try other methods. But I think I can convince her to try it if the first try with the shipped sperm fails...at least I hope lol

Thank you, that was very helpful!

 

[Mafi419]

I'm so confused with everything I'm reading. I read in one of the threads that it is illegal in the UK to use sperm fro a sperm bank AND do at-home insemination. But how would anyone know that? I mean, if I go and register the child, how will they know the sperm used was from a donor? Also, I had no idea that I couldn't use an anonymous donor. That that was against UK regulations. I thought it was optional. In my country at-home inseminations are illegal, and same sex couples can't go to sperm banks. In Spain all the donors have to be anonymous. Shouldn't the laws be the same inside EU?

Why is it legal to use a known donor and do at-home insemination, and it's illegal to use sperm from a bank and do at-home insemination? How do they know? Would people really be criminally charged if they were to use shipped sperm and get pregnant?

I'm really upset right now because I don't think I can afford a clinic in the UK in May or June, and those were the months I was planning on starting TTC. I really don't want to postpone it. And I can't convince my wife to use a known donor. For her it is easier to wait until September or October and then go to a clinic. What she doesn't understand, and nobody seems to understand, is that I've been waiting my entire life, and for me waiting 6 extra months it's plenty

 

[laurac1988]

I didn't think Danish clinics would ship to a home address?

 

[Mafi419]

They ship to the UK, to clinics and home addresses. The thing is, I've read that the UK doesn't allow sperm banks to ship to home addresses. This Danish bank does it anyway, but it is, apparently, illegal. People still do it, and the most eminent "danger" is having the sperm tank retained when entering the country, but most people can get the sperm shipped successfully. It's just that I really don't like doing things that might border illegalities. I read this:

"A few people having been asking me about this. The UK has very clear rules about how sperm can be shipped around (it has to be between licensed providers) and also making sure that donors are properly registered, screened and their details made available to DC children once they reach adulthood. This company seems to be bypassing all these rules by shipping to individuals at home rather than clinics, and not complying with the other rules on registering donors etc. If they are based outside the UK, they may in practice be beyond the reach of prosecution (this I am not entirely sure about and there doesn't seem to be a clear answer). The worrying thing is that you as the 'importer' could be criminally liable.

I would take care with any service not operating within the UK legal framework."

 

[burrr]

It's a grey area. It is something to do with the fact that clinics can only ship to clinics with the signed approval with a doctor but reading between the lines, there isn't actually anything to stop clinics shipping to home addresses, if you read the wording of the law carefully.

Cryos Denmark appears to be the only one who does ship to home addresses. There is the risk that the shipment might get stopped at customs but so far I haven't read of anyone having this problem.

The laws vary even though we're all in the EU, I don't know why some things come under EU directive and others don't.

I don't think you personally would be criminally charged, I think the risk is on the clinic's side. What is a risk for you is the shipment being stopped, but like I say, I don't think that has happened so far. The other risk is that you hit your timings wrong and the shipment is too late or early for ovulation. Also, if ovulation falls on the weekend, I don't think you can get it shipped then. When i read that thread there were a couple of women who had to sit out certain months because their ovulation was due to fall when the sperm bank didn't deliver.

I completely understand that you don't want to wait any longer. My DW wanted to wait longer, I waited a couple of months while we moved house but then insisted on getting started. She wanted to wait a few months until we'd done all the DIY and were completely settled but I said that it might take me ages to conceive and I wanted to get started straight away. 2 years later, here I am, still no baby, wishing I'd just started immediately. Waiting is torturous, and they don't understand. When I broke down crying because I had to wait 6 weeks for an appointment once, my DW was dumbfounded, she didn't see the big deal. It was only 6 weeks to her, but to me it was 6 weeks on top of waiting to move house, waiting to start IUIs, waiting through the BFNs, waiting to start a different clinic and each day was killing me.

 

[Mafi419]

Thank you! That's what I mean. For me it's not just waiting a few extra months. And I'm pretty aware that it might take me several months or even years to conceive. Also, I don't want a single child, I would like to have 3 (or at least 2!). If I don't start right away, I will just get older and older and then I'll miss my chance of having 3 children. I know this sounds silly, but I really feel that I'm on a clock, I physically feel this. I've always felt this, it's not something I started to feel recently. At age 4 or 5, I used to go on and on about how I really wanted to have 3 children. I used to buy baby clothes every time I was able to save enough money (until I was 17, then I just stopped because I realized it didn't make sense at all because the clothes would be out of style pretty soon). I turned out to be a lesbian, and I knew this meant extra work and planning. But now I just get scared all the time that it will take me forever. And I have everyone around me telling me that I'm too young to be worried about this, and that I should wait a few more years (I'm 27, almost 28!)...which I'm sure they wouldn't say to a straight couple TTC.

Btw, I replied to Laura pretty much saying what Burr just wrote about Cryos, but for some reason the post is waiting moderation lol

Burr what are you and your partner doing now? Did you do the IUI treatment?

 

[burrr]

We did the IUIs but I wasn't happy with the timings of them, so we stopped. I did IVF a couple of times, successfully but miscarried. Then we found this donor, and got going with him (doing AI). It seems backwards, most would start with the donor first, but it was just chance that we met him and he offered. Otherwise I'd be agonising over the cost of more IVF right now, so I really hope it works out with him.

I think telling a 27 year old that they're too young to worry about this is silly. When using fertility treatment there is a noticeable difference in success rates after 35, so it's important to start early enough, especially when you're paying out all that money and don't just have free sperm at hand. People have told me 'well it takes straight couples a while too' but at least they were trying every month, not just a handful of times in 2 years!