Controversial Curiosity

[RJsMum]

I thoroughly enjoy reading the responses from some of these topics when people keep it civil and don't attack one another for their personal beliefs but I had another question I wanted to throw out there...

DH and I were each picked on/bullied at some point in school. I went to a private Catholic school and it got pretty bad for me as I would come home in tears begging to be put in a public (State) school so I could just blend in and not be noticed. To this day it has given me so many esteem issues I've had to work through on my own, and I'm sure some are still unresolved.

DH was picked on more for his height/build...he was tall and lanky and he even had one kid who caused him to miss the last day of school one year because he spread rumours that he was going to knife him after school. In DH's case, his parents dealt with things through the office, but also put him in martial arts lessons so he could learn to properly defend himself if necessary.

From both of our experiences, DH has said he would like to enroll DS in martial arts as soon as he is able with the idea that 1) it will be good discipline for him as they also encourage respect and 2) hoping that it will deter from anyone wanting to bully him if that ever comes about.

So, my question...how will you address this issue with your LO(s) if/when it comes up in their lives? What would you do if THEY were the bully or the one picking on/teasing someone else? There are so many directions this topic can go, but I think we could get some really interesting responses.

Also, I appreciate some people will be "pro" phycially fighting back and some against it, so let's try to understand that now and respect that we all have different ways to raise our children.

 

[taylor197878]

my kids didnt go to martail arts i have 3 older kids my eldests are 15 and 10 and they where both taught u dont take crap or dont u hit first but if somyeone hits or picks on u dont take it.

my kids have never been bulied nor do they go out and fight but my eldest who is bulit well wont take nooes crap.

they have to learn to stick up for themselfs but not to go out and bully or cause fights.

 

[ILoveShoes]

My DH and I both teach karate and kickboxing, and I will definitely be teaching my DS when he's older.
I want him to be able to stick up for himself and defend himself if he needs too. Plus, it's good exercise and teaches discipline, respect, etc.
DS will be taught that it's not acceptable to be a bully. However, I also don't want him to be a victim.

 

[Mrs Mayhem]

I guess I was lucky really as was never bullied at school, I was more one of those 'in the background' people who had plenty friends, but not one of the popular kids or the bullied ones. My husband however, was bullied and he hated every day of school, he begged his parents to let him go to one further away where some of his friends went, but they would never let him and made him stay put. He despises looking back to school days and hated that he only really had two friends and was subject to psychological bullying day in day out.

I have considered how our daughter will be when she grows older, I am so scared that she will be bullied at school, especially in this day and age with more kids resorting to self harm or possibly worse.

I seriously hope to have the kind of relationship where she can confide her hopes and fears in us and tell us if something does happen. I honestly believe that we will raise her to be respectful of others, but also not one to shy away and to stand up for herself, though in all honesty, I know that this is easier said than done!!

If she shows an interest in taking self defence lessons then by all means we will let her.

As for if she becomes the bully, I so so hope that it won't happen, but if it did then I pray that we have enough discipline to stop this happening without actually bullying her.

Hubby works for the police and I am a psychiatric nurse, so we both deal with violence, aggression, self harm, suicide attempts, fears, anxiety, bullies, psychological issues etc day in day out, I would hope that we are both sensitive to all of these issues to manage it well....

I guess that we won't know until it happens, I just pray it never does....

 

[Buffy71]

I abhor violence, particularly bullying. It is vile and the thought of it happening to H makes me feel ill.

I will be enroling H in martial arts classes as I think it instills control, discipline, confidence and respect, and encourages retaliation and physical confrontation ONLY as an absolute last resort.

I would feel equally, if not more ill if I found that H was bullying another. I hope that the upbringing that we give her, including understanding of others' views, belief and attitudes will ensure that this does not happen. I think that instiling empathy and compassion are incredibly important. We are vehement about ensuring that she is gentle and kind to our cat for example. As a result, she is! She was a bit rough with him to start with, but with our persistence and showing her how to gently stroke him, etc., is very loving and kisses him all the time (sometimes she will take my or hubby's hand and stroke Albie gently - showing us how to do it - so cute!). The kissing him drives me nuts and pushes my OCD to the brink of no return lol - but the worst that ever happens to our cat now is that he gets a bit of snot on his back where she's kissed him

I digress - I'd be very cross, furious, if I discovered that she was bullying another. There would be a lot of grounding and privileges revoked!!!!

ETA - I'm really sorry you (and OH) were bullied

 

[xemmax]

ideally i'd never like my son to believe there is a need for violence but unfortunately, sometimes it comes down to that and i'd hate for him to find himself in a position where he'll get hurt. it's sometimes unavoidable, i've seen the way that men treat eachother on nights out and i'd hate for oli to get caught up in it. i want him to be able to defend himself in the way that my partner can. he was headbutted out of the blue in a club a couple of years ago which broke his nose, and was then jumped on by several of the attacker's friends and someone tried to gouge his eyes out. he's a very strong guy (weight lifter) and he managed to fight them off, i dread to think what they could have done if he hadn't have been able to fight back.

our son will definitely be going for MMA classes because my boyfriend wants him to. he believes as a hobby it would be beneficial to him and i'm happy with that. he's very much into sports anyway, and that's the line he wants to go down so i'm happy as those classes are about skill rather than violence. i think the fact they teach you how to defend yourself is a bonus, they teach you much more than that.

 

[Deli]

I have six children and the eldest two are almost 15 and 13. My eldest (a boy) has been teased for being small but never truly bullied. I have told him that if anyone tries to bully him he should be the bigger person and walk away as I know from personal experience that if you react to a bully, you are just feeding their nastiness.

My 13 yo daughter has a lot of problems with girls in her year (and in my opinion girls are a LOT worse than boys for bullying) and it's so hard not to tell her to be nasty back when she comes home crying.

My 10 yo daughter is just starting to encounter bullying as she has bad scarring from chickenpox (I genuinely never notice them when I look at her, I just see her beautiful eyes) and has started to retaliate. Human nature I guess.

I just try to stress to my children that it's important not to lower themselves to the level of those bullying. Generally people only bully when they are jealous of something. It's very hard though as when your children are picked on you feel like they're picking on you!

 

[dormiles]

I've never been bullied myself, nor was my daughter so far (she's 6 atm). My DH, on the other hand, was. Back then it all went through the office, the bullies were punished and he never had any problems again.
Nowadays it is more complicated, children are more aggresive and brutal, they tend not to be as obedient as we were in our childhood.
Not sure if martial arts would be of any help in case he was physically attacked, but surely it will make him more self-confident, and that's often enough not to be bullied.

So, teaching him martial arts? Yes, as long as it's not some kind of aggresive one, like kickboxing (sorry to mention that ILoveShoes, that's my opinion), muay-thai or krav maga. I would start with aikido or some other martial arts based on eastern philosophy of respect and self-control.

 

[ILoveShoes]

I have six children and the eldest two are almost 15 and 13. My eldest (a boy) has been teased for being small but never truly bullied. I have told him that if anyone tries to bully him he should be the bigger person and walk away as I know from personal experience that if you react to a bully, you are just feeding their nastiness.

My 13 yo daughter has a lot of problems with girls in her year (and in my opinion girls are a LOT worse than boys for bullying) and it's so hard not to tell her to be nasty back when she comes home crying.

My 10 yo daughter is just starting to encounter bullying as she has bad scarring from chickenpox (I genuinely never notice them when I look at her, I just see her beautiful eyes) and has started to retaliate. Human nature I guess.

I just try to stress to my children that it's important not to lower themselves to the level of those bullying. Generally people only bully when they are jealous of something. It's very hard though as when your children are picked on you feel like they're picking on you!

I'm really sorry that your girls are being bullied.
I just wondered though, if the bullying became physical, would you still want them to 'walk away,' or would you want them to 'fight back?'

 

[ILoveShoes]

I've never been bullied myself, nor was my daughter so far (she's 6 atm). My DH, on the other hand, was. Back then it all went through the office, the bullies were punished and he never had any problems again.
Nowadays it is more complicated, children are more aggresive and brutal, they tend not to be as obedient as we were in our childhood.
Not sure if martial arts would be of any help in case he was physically attacked, but surely it will make him more self-confident, and that's often enough not to be bullied.

So, teaching him martial arts? Yes, as long as it's not some kind of aggresive one, like kickboxing (sorry to mention that ILoveShoes, that's my opinion), muay-thai or krav maga. I would start with aikido or some other martial arts based on eastern philosophy of respect and self-control.

No offence taken. I think with all martial arts, it depends on what your instructor is like, and how the class is taught.
I've come across some idiotic instructors in my time!
However, having done krav maga, I would agree that it's a bit too 'heavy' for children - it was designed for the Israeli army afterall.

 

[CocoaOne]

Girls are more 'emotionally bullied'.

I was at secondary school - one particular girl who was 'head' of the popular girls just took a dislike to me. I basically couldn't care less what she said about me as I was quite secure in myself. I hope my LO grows up the same.

As for physical bullying - I'm of the 'never start a fight, but try your best to finish it' school of thought.

 

[Deli]

I have six children and the eldest two are almost 15 and 13. My eldest (a boy) has been teased for being small but never truly bullied. I have told him that if anyone tries to bully him he should be the bigger person and walk away as I know from personal experience that if you react to a bully, you are just feeding their nastiness.

My 13 yo daughter has a lot of problems with girls in her year (and in my opinion girls are a LOT worse than boys for bullying) and it's so hard not to tell her to be nasty back when she comes home crying.

My 10 yo daughter is just starting to encounter bullying as she has bad scarring from chickenpox (I genuinely never notice them when I look at her, I just see her beautiful eyes) and has started to retaliate. Human nature I guess.

I just try to stress to my children that it's important not to lower themselves to the level of those bullying. Generally people only bully when they are jealous of something. It's very hard though as when your children are picked on you feel like they're picking on you!

I'm really sorry that your girls are being bullied.
I just wondered though, if the bullying became physical, would you still want them to 'walk away,' or would you want them to 'fight back?'

Honestly? I don't know.

With my son - it's in their nature to be physical. He and his best mate beat each other up all the time then make friends. It's the way boys are I think. Girls are much, much cleverer in the way they are nasty and underhand. There is also the internet and mobiles, bullying is much easier when it is faceless. It worries me constantly and I monitor my eldest's mobile use and she can only have Facebook or MSN if I know the password. If I see any nastiness on there, I step in and deal with it but I can't always be there to protect her

 

[NG09]

Girls are more 'emotionally bullied'.

I was at secondary school - one particular girl who was 'head' of the popular girls just took a dislike to me. I basically couldn't care less what she said about me as I was quite secure in myself. I hope my LO grows up the same.

As for physical bullying - I'm of the 'never start a fight, but try your best to finish it' school of thought.

Not always. I was bullied for years, all throughout school because I have dark skin My dad is Italian and I look very like him. I have salou skin and very dark hair. I grew up in a very small area so I was the only 'dark kid' at school, I was bullied emotionally and physically. My parents tried all sorts, moved schools, spoke to parents, spoke to the kids you name it they did it, nothing stopped it, not even me standing up to them. I think the problem in my cas was that these children were not made to see at home that this behaviour was unacceptable or the name they called me were racist and ignorant. I moved away but now live back in the area and no longer get any of the comments I used to, infact number of the have told me that they are and were jealous of my looks.

If I found out that my son was bullying anyone in the future I would come down on him like a tonne of bricks. Trust me, he wouldn't be doing it to anyone else!

 

[Lightworker]

With my DD1, I always tell her if anyone pushes her to tell her teacher, to tell me and to tell the pusher that its not very nice to push next time say excuse me- however, what she doesnt know, is that i will also deal with the issue with the teacher- i have a very strong sense of justice and right and wrong lol and im very uncompromising when it comes to these things.

 

[Kalah]

Me and OH actually were talking about this a few days ago. I mentioned that I wanted Kiliana to learn how to fight so she wouldn't let anyone bully her. He said he doesn't want her to know how to fight because it's "chavvy" and he wants her to be sweet and girly. I'm not sure what I would do if I found out she was the one doing the bullying, I would definitely talk to her about it and go from there. I really want her to be able to protect her self though so I think at the very least she will be taking self defense classes.

 

[mrsthomas623]

If my son were the bully, I would pull his butt out of school and home school him. I have zero tolerance for it.. I would remove him from the situation.

If he were to be bullied (depending on the age and circumstance) I would handle the situation by going to the school and parent and teach him self defense (if it were a physical bullying).

One thing I really want my son to embrace is standing up for other people, too. So many people just let bullies pick or harm others... I hope he is a strong enough person to not only stick up for himself, but others.

 

[RJsMum]

Me and OH actually were talking about this a few days ago. I mentioned that I wanted Kiliana to learn how to fight so she wouldn't let anyone bully her. He said he doesn't want her to know how to fight because it's "chavvy" and he wants her to be sweet and girly. I'm not sure what I would do if I found out she was the one doing the bullying, I would definitely talk to her about it and go from there. I really want her to be able to protect her self though so I think at the very least she will be taking self defense classes.

Tell your OH there is a huge difference in "chavvy" and LOOKING for a fight and knowing how to defend herself if someone tries to push her around. If anything, look at it this way...it would be good for her to know for when she starts dating and someone tries to take advantage of her...or if she is out with friends and the same happens.

 

[melorablack]

All my children will go to Martial Arts classes as soon as they are able to. It will be the only thing I will ever force them to do, they aren't stopping until they can put Buffy to shame lol.

My dh and I were also bullied relentlessly in high school and they will be taught to only hit in self defence but also to make sure that they hit the bully so hard they will remember it forever.

It may sound harsh and I know violence is wrong but try to convince me this isn't the best course of action to take when I was bullied verbally, mentally and physically for 7 years and not one teacher/policeman did a thing to stop it. I only ever got into fights twice and while I was never hurt, both times I wished I had the strength and skill to do serious damage to the gits who started it. If I had it may have stopped it, "talking" and "reasoning" and "detentions" did nothing to the bullies, they needed a good slap.

If my children were the bully I wouldn't hesitate ensure they never did a thing like it again. It would probably involve making them apologise to the victims, their parents, teachers, me and dh and their grandparents for the shame they would have caused for a start.

 

[Kalah]

Me and OH actually were talking about this a few days ago. I mentioned that I wanted Kiliana to learn how to fight so she wouldn't let anyone bully her. He said he doesn't want her to know how to fight because it's "chavvy" and he wants her to be sweet and girly. I'm not sure what I would do if I found out she was the one doing the bullying, I would definitely talk to her about it and go from there. I really want her to be able to protect her self though so I think at the very least she will be taking self defense classes.

Tell your OH there is a huge difference in "chavvy" and LOOKING for a fight and knowing how to defend herself if someone tries to push her around. If anything, look at it this way...it would be good for her to know for when she starts dating and someone tries to take advantage of her...or if she is out with friends and the same happens.

That's my biggest fear and biggest reason for wanting her to know how to fight really. I know all too well how easy it can be for a situation to turn bad and suddenly realize just how weak you are.

 

[Buffy71]

All my children will go to Martial Arts classes as soon as they are able to. It will be the only thing I will ever force them to do, they aren't stopping until they can put Buffy to shame lol.

My dh and I were also bullied relentlessly in high school and they will be taught to only hit in self defence but also to make sure that they hit the bully so hard they will remember it forever.

It may sound harsh and I know violence is wrong but try to convince me this isn't the best course of action to take when I was bullied verbally, mentally and physically for 7 years and not one teacher/policeman did a thing to stop it. I only ever got into fights twice and while I was never hurt, both times I wished I had the strength and skill to do serious damage to the gits who started it. If I had it may have stopped it, "talking" and "reasoning" and "detentions" did nothing to the bullies, they needed a good slap.

that's horrible. I'm so sorry no-one helped you.

On a lighter note, I was trying to work out why you referred to me in your post.... only to realise that you weren't referring to me but to Buffy the Vampire Slayer!