DH had an affair

[minties]

What a shithole, and while you have a small baby? Fuck. Arsehole. I hope you are ok??

 

[marmoset]

Thank you for the hugs and supportive messages. I am OK. Hurt and angry and shocked and disgusted and confused and and and... But OK. I am strong and I know my worth comes from within.

 

[ParisJeTadore]

Oh marmoset, I am so sorry! Gah, the worst. Stay strong and know you have a lovely community of women who are here to help.

 

[marmoset]

I don't know why some people freak out and do stupid things when they've got a family on the line. I am so sorry this has happened to you and your baby.

Right? I kind of wonder if this is a thing. It's just so absurdly out of character and just... that or I have the completely wrong idea about who I married.

He was meeting up with his co-worker at times when he was with baby. If I was home he'd tell me he was taking baby for a walk but actually go meet up with her. They'd hang out, she'd hold and play with baby, and then they'd kiss in her car. Then it escalated to her coming over when I went out for two hours every week to meet with my business partner (I have my own business). The first time they "just" made out and the second time (last week) they had sex in our bed. All while baby looked on.

What kind of cognitive dissonance / compartmentalization must that have taken? Oh look at the cute baby, how sweet, now let's break up the marriage of his parents / cheat on my wife his mother, fun!

It's just inconceivable. Or it would be, if it hadn't happened. Ugh!

 

[Bevziibubble]

Oh my goodness I cannot believe this all happened right in front of your baby. What kind of woman can hold another woman's baby and then sleep with the husband. That is so messed up. I'm so sorry. You can do so much better than him.

 

[lau86]

Disgusting. How did you find out?

 

[6lilpigs]

Hugs from here too

 

[marmoset]

Disgusting. How did you find out?

Phone call from her husband. "Hi this is so-and-so, I'm so sorry but my wife and your husband are having an affair". There was more to it but that was the gist. The worst part (ugh, one of the worst parts) is that DH knew they'd been caught! He'd been warned two days prior that they were going to tell me! And he just stuck his head in the sand like 'la la la this isn't happening' and let the other guy (who had himself just found out his wife was having an affair, they have kids also but older than ours) do the dirty work of telling me. It was awful.

Gah. Gah! Why? Ugh!

I don't understand either, I have always known DH to be an extremely kind and thoughtful person, and up until two days ago I wouldn't have hesitated for a second to say we had a great marriage and I was the luckiest woman in the world to have a lovely husband and a terrific baby, what more could a person ask for.

Yes, we were having some issues with post-baby sex life, but I was genuinely making an effort and thought (and still think) we were within reason for a pair of new parents. And even if we weren't, that's no excuse! He had a responsibility to be honest with me, I had no idea he was so profoundly unsatisfied. It's so embarrassing to think of it that way, but so it is I guess. Plus we've been intimate since the affair started, which is such a violation given he knows full well I wouldn't have wanted to had I known, obviously! Ugh!

TMI alert: PIV has not been possible since baby, I was planning to get checked out at the doctor in a couple weeks to see if there's a scar tissue problem or what, but we do other stuff and I thought we were fine! Like "huh this sucks, but we're still connecting in other ways, we'll work it out" kind of fine.

Apparently not. And apparently it was easier to go get it elsewhere than f*cking TELL ME.

Ugh! This is so sh*tty! F*ck!

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

That is really shit. Im sorry
Xx

 

[Bevziibubble]

That's so so wrong. How cowardly of him to leave it up to the woman's husband to tell you. I can't imagine what a shock that must have been. Absolutely no excuses for it

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

<--- was cheated on FIVE times by DH.


He had a sex/porn addiction though. Hes fully in recovery now and we have been fine since he got help.

I would highly, HIGHLY recommend you get a plan, do NOT act while emotional, and stick to your bottom line. Maybe it was a one time thing, maybe its been on going... but do NOT push it under the rug and do NOT blame yourself!

 

[lau86]

So sorry you don't deserve that x x

 

[Twag]

WOW him I would kick in the balls but HER wow she is a whole new breed of b1tch in front of your baby that is just so so wrong

I am so sorry you are going through this and you had to find out from her husband

 

[dani_tinks]

That is so shit , so sorry lovely

 

[marmoset]

Thanks again for the support. We are taking it day by day and are going to go for marriage counseling. I am doing a lot of talking about how I feel, asking him for validation of those feelings and apologies for various things. Initially he viewed it as sort of one big lie, so I've been doing a lot of explaining that no it's a million lies and violations in so many different ways, not to mention it went on over the course of a month so literal repeated lying as well. Lies of omission are still lies! "I'm going for a walk" can be technically true but still a lie if you're not mentioning "... for the purposes of cheating on you" at the end! Duh!

Anyway, it's been kind of mixed, at times he has been good about just hearing me out and other times he's kind of pushed back on things I have said, which is like, well this is very self-assured of you! Wish you could have used this assertiveness to speak up before any of this happened!

Bah I'm kind of rambling. I appreciate having a space here to talk it out, I haven't decided if I want family and friends to know since if we stay together, life is long and you can't un-share something like that, you know? My best friend lives far away and I've been chatting with her a lot and then I have you all here, and a supportive community on another non-baby forum, and that's been enough to get me through.

Thank you.

 

[KatO79]

I'm so sorry You deserve better treatment than that! Wow, in your marriage bed and in front of your baby plus not even the balls to tell you himself, if he'd been my DH I wouldn't be able to continue, the lack of respect is just too much. Or at the very least, make him crawl and beg for my forgiveness and that he understands he'll be spending months if not years re-earning my trust.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

Thanks again for the support. We are taking it day by day and are going to go for marriage counseling. I am doing a lot of talking about how I feel, asking him for validation of those feelings and apologies for various things. Initially he viewed it as sort of one big lie, so I've been doing a lot of explaining that no it's a million lies and violations in so many different ways, not to mention it went on over the course of a month so literal repeated lying as well. Lies of omission are still lies! "I'm going for a walk" can be technically true but still a lie if you're not mentioning "... for the purposes of cheating on you" at the end! Duh!

Anyway, it's been kind of mixed, at times he has been good about just hearing me out and other times he's kind of pushed back on things I have said, which is like, well this is very self-assured of you! Wish you could have used this assertiveness to speak up before any of this happened!

Bah I'm kind of rambling. I appreciate having a space here to talk it out, I haven't decided if I want family and friends to know since if we stay together, life is long and you can't un-share something like that, you know? My best friend lives far away and I've been chatting with her a lot and then I have you all here, and a supportive community on another non-baby forum, and that's been enough to get me through.

Thank you.

My DH said the same " Im going for a run".... well he was running something but it wasnt the pavement.

as for telling people- here is my experience:
- I had many people tell me to flat out leave him and never look back
- I only had a FEW people tell me to work it out and stay.

So, tell people who would support you. My mom doesnt support us. My BFF does. Thus i dont tell my mom anything and my BFF everything.

-------
You will also find support in hidden places. I have found so many people who are going through the same thing. Its nice to share the healing side of things rather than doom and gloom of divorce. Theres an awesome person on here that we are connected over it. I have connected with my BFFs sister over it. Its not something we talk about over dinner but its those 3am phone call type conversations. The ones where you can be open and say " Hes driving me INSANE today and i feel like i want to cry" and they get it vs hearing " hes never going to change"

 

[xdxxtx]

I don't know why some people freak out and do stupid things when they've got a family on the line. I am so sorry this has happened to you and your baby.

Right? I kind of wonder if this is a thing. It's just so absurdly out of character and just... that or I have the completely wrong idea about who I married.

He was meeting up with his co-worker at times when he was with baby. If I was home he'd tell me he was taking baby for a walk but actually go meet up with her. They'd hang out, she'd hold and play with baby, and then they'd kiss in her car. Then it escalated to her coming over when I went out for two hours every week to meet with my business partner (I have my own business). The first time they "just" made out and the second time (last week) they had sex in our bed. All while baby looked on.

What kind of cognitive dissonance / compartmentalization must that have taken? Oh look at the cute baby, how sweet, now let's break up the marriage of his parents / cheat on my wife his mother, fun!

It's just inconceivable. Or it would be, if it hadn't happened. Ugh!

It's a thing that some people do, yes, but it doesn't repair the trust or anger or hurt feelings or change the facts. I've seen it happen many times, and I think that what you do when you're at your worst says a lot about how you'll handle problems or challenges in the future.

We could know someone forever, and they could still surprise us with how they react to a situation. This could happen to anyone and has nothing to do with how you judge character or anything. Women are often taught to blame themselves for everything. This isn't your fault. His choices had nothing to do with you.

 

[ricschick]

I'm so sorry this has happened! I can't believe he would do that in front of your baby. You have to do what's best for you and baby and if that's to stay then do it on your terms. Take care of you. Xxx

 

[Zephram]

Oh, wow. That is horrible. I'm so sorry he did that to you. I just want you to remember that it is not your fault and that you didn't do anything to bring it on. He is an adult and responsible for his behaviour. I just can't imagine what he was thinking, especially doing that in front of your baby! I want to vomit in my mouth thinking about that. Whatever you decide to do, good luck, counselling will give you a safe place to figure out the future.