Did Having A Special Child Change or Impact Your Plans for Having Others??

[SammieGrace]

Ok, so my son is about the sweetest thing on this Earth, but he is developmentally delayed and has had physical therapy, speech and OT. Now mostly his speech is delayed and he just kind of does things in his own time. He just turned 3, and is working on 2-3 word phrases, not ready for potty training at this point, ect.

I have a 4 year age gap with my older brother and me, and always wanted something a little smaller with my own kids. However, that was before having DS and him having the struggles that he has thus far. For a while I wasn't sure I ever wanted more, but he has had all of the genetic and neurological testing come back normal, which gave me some peace of mind. Now I still worry about having the same difficulties with another child, but also don't want to miss out on the joys of another child or deny him the experience of having a sibling. So we are thinking about TTC in a few months, which would lead to about a 4.5 year age gap.

I guess I am just curious about how other families approach the idea of having more kids after a child with special needs. Did that experience change your plans for more children? Or impact the age gap you wanted?

For those with both a special needs and typically developing kids, i would love to know about how they interact with one another and what that is like for you.

Thanks

 

[mummy2o]

I have two children, a 7 year old with autism, a 6 month old and just found out we're pregnant again. The reason for the big age gap between my first and second, wasn't due to his autism but I split up with his dad and had to find someone who accepted DS for who he is. Developmentally he's all over the place, but I'm glad they have that 7 year gap. He loves his baby sister and constantly helping me out, or copying what she is having be it milk or Erika's yogurt which is stewed fruit but he seems to be eating it, which is helping towards his 5 a day. I don't think it is to bad as he wants a In the night garden ninky nonk for Christmas, which is well below is age, but it will double up for Erika when she can use it, so he'll get to share. Hopefully they are starting to grow a strong bond with one enough and it will last a lifetime.

 

[maisie78]

My dd is not yet 2 and we are expecting her brother in January. This is a little later than we would have liked but not hugely so. We waited to get our genetics results back but stopped preventing as soon as we found out dd's condition was a spontaneous mutation and not passed from us.

We always wanted children close together but this actually became more important to us once we knew about dd's condition as so many people have told us that having a sibling brought their special needs child on in leaps and bounds. It's going to be very hard work but I do believe it will be worth it for dd in particular and for us as a family x

 

[emyandpotato]

I am planning another now. I am worried though. Four years would be ideal in 'normal' circumstances but as he is about a year behind overall I do worry about him going through the terrible twos or threes with a new baby here. I am also really scared that another child will have the same difficulties, because my heart breaks for Rory and I don't want another baby to have the same problems. I'm also going to be so incredibly careful to not do anything dangerous with this pregnancy because I am convinced I did something wrong to cause Rory problems.

 

[aliss]

I won't be having a 3rd and if I knew, I wouldn't have had my 2nd. Not that I regret him, but it has been hard to meet #2's needs and I feel he always takes a back seat. It's fine now, but I got so damn lucky he wasn't disabled either.

 

[sequeena]

My son is globally delayed along with medical issues. We really want to know if there is something in his genes before we have another. It's hard because we really want one more but it feels so selfish to have one. Not just for our possible future child but for our son too.

 

[SammieGrace]

Oh my, I am so glad to see your replies and know that I am not the only one weighing these decisions.

@mommy2o - It is great to hear that your little boy is interacting with his sister and wanting to do things like what she is. I hope that my son would be able to do that

@maisie78 - I think its brave of you to go forward with having more, and I totally understand wanting to wait until after genetic testing, which i am really glad we did. I have similar hopes, that having a sibling would help with Cullen's development and socialization. Also, I love the name Caelan James, my boy is Cullen James

@emyandpotato - Rory is beautiful! I totally get that feeling that you must have done something, I often have that feeling myself. I took antidepressants when pregnant and will always wonder if that caused some of Cullen's troubles. Having other children I will never take meds while pregnant, because I know the guilt that it can bring. It is also surely hard to predict how a special child will develop, and I hope that Cullen is through with his terrible twos/threes by the time we have another!

@aliss - I am sure that you are doing the best you can with yours, and I get the choice not to have more. I always wanted three, but I think that would be too many now. I worry about a second child getting less attention than my son, but I hope that we can make time for another as well.

@sequeena - I remember you and Thomas from TTC/Preggy forums here a coule years ago, it sounds like ours are right about the same age. I know its hard to feel like you want another but wonder if it is a selfish choice. We have spent a lot of time with doctors and evaluations and therapy for our little guy, and I am sure you could probably relate to that. But I also want him to be a kid and have as much of a normal childhood as possible. I think part of that is having a sibling and knowing what that is like. I want to do everything I can for Cullen, but I also don't want to bankrupt us on therapy, because I still want to do things like buy a house with a backyard for him to grow up in and be able to take him on vacation and give him a normal life.

I just really appreciate all of you being willing to listen and for taking the time to respond. Maybe we need our own TTC/Pregnancy thread for moms with special needs kiddos. I just feel like I have a lot of different things to think about than moms who haven't had a special needs child.

 

[sequeena]

Sammie that sounds like a great idea! I remember you too gosh it feels like so long ago. I never thought things would turn out the way they have.

 

[RachA]

I think that for us if we'd of really wanted a third we would of gone for it whatever and at the age gap we would of wanted (2-3 years).
However we weren't 100% convienced (well I was OH wasn't!) and the longer the left it the more we felt it wouldn't of been fair on DD if we'd of had a baby and taken focus away from her. I think though that it was easier for us because we already had a child older than E so we had the two we definitely wanted.

 

[minties]

I have an online friend (I'll have to find the link to her blog) who has an almost 2 year old and a 5 month old. Her eldest has microcephaly and lissencephaly.

She is pretty severely disabled. Floppy, can't eat, doesn't really have much motor control.

I think my friend finds it pretty hard but not because she would ever change things or that she regrets having her second, just feels a deep sadness seeing how able her youngest is and that her eldest won't ever walk, talk and doesn't even have much of a life expectancy.

You can tell the girls have a bond though and they seem to be much calmer and happier around each other.

This poor lady also lost the twin to her eldest during pregnancy so she has had a very hard time.


Another example I can think of is my OH's uncle. He and his wife have a daughter with down syndrome, she's 21. While she is a very able young lady (works, has a boyfriend, is just a normal young lady in most respects), they felt that they didn't want any more kids.

 

[SammieGrace]

I have an online friend (I'll have to find the link to her blog) who has an almost 2 year old and a 5 month old. Her eldest has microcephaly and lissencephaly.

She is pretty severely disabled. Floppy, can't eat, doesn't really have much motor control.

I think my friend finds it pretty hard but not because she would ever change things or that she regrets having her second, just feels a deep sadness seeing how able her youngest is and that her eldest won't ever walk, talk and doesn't even have much of a life expectancy.

You can tell the girls have a bond though and they seem to be much calmer and happier around each other.

This poor lady also lost the twin to her eldest during pregnancy so she has had a very hard time.


Another example I can think of is my OH's uncle. He and his wife have a daughter with down syndrome, she's 21. While she is a very able young lady (works, has a boyfriend, is just a normal young lady in most respects), they felt that they didn't want any more kids.

I am really fortunate that my little guy is not profoundly disabled, he walks and somewhat talks and is very happy and energetic most of the time.

I can only imagine what it would be like to have two who were of clearly different levels of ability or development, and I do worry about what that would be like as a parent.

 

[Tor]

I got pregnant with DS2 when DS1 was only 12 months old and I didn't realise then that he had special needs so it didn't come into our decision.

Its such hard work but now that DS2 is starting to talk etc he does seem to be bringing DS1 along with him and he used to be much more distressed all over every day things before DS2, the initial adjustmentperiod (over a month) was horrendous but I honestly think its the best thing I cudve done for DS1 so even tho its hard im grateful it worked out that way.

If DS1 didn't have special needs ( severely autistic, gdd, visual impaired) then I would love a third but 1. I really couldn't cope with another one anytime soon and 2. I would now just be terrified of the same thing happening again and don't think I would enjoy the baby/toddler stage because of all the worrying I would do.

 

[lusterleaf]

oh my gosh! I am so thankful I found this thread.

My DS turned 2 last month. He is non-verbal. He was diagnosed with ASD at 18 months and has been receiving speech since then and ABA since June (got a late start on the ABA because they couldn't find me a team leader). I just got approval to transition him into a special needs pre-school since due to my DH's ever changing work schedule, and my work schedule, we weren't able to provide him with the amount of ABA sessions he needed at home. So we are awaiting his start date at the school.

I have been TTC #2 for a few months now and working with a RE since I have infertility issues. If it were up to me I would wait another year to try, I always worry about how we are going to raise two kids while one is special needs. However my DS is adamant about having a second child soon. He is also older than me and doesn't want to wait until he is "really old" as he says, to have more kids. His mentality is "don't worry it will work itself out". Another issue is, when my DS goes to the special needs pre-school I will have to drop him off since my DH works overnights and gets home late morning, and I would get into work late, which leaves me no time to go for monitoring in the morning anymore at the RE so if I am not pregnant this month I won't be able to go back. So a couple of issues with me here!

In the end I will be willing to give up pursuing a second child for now if it means my DS will improve at the school. It hurts when I see family member's kids of the same age saying so much and I just long for my DS to at least call me mommy, or get excited to see me when I come home from work.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[HBGirl]

Yes. Since having DD I want more.

 

[mummy2o]

oh my gosh! I am so thankful I found this thread.

My DS turned 2 last month. He is non-verbal. He was diagnosed with ASD at 18 months and has been receiving speech since then and ABA since June (got a late start on the ABA because they couldn't find me a team leader). I just got approval to transition him into a special needs pre-school since due to my DH's ever changing work schedule, and my work schedule, we weren't able to provide him with the amount of ABA sessions he needed at home. So we are awaiting his start date at the school.

I have been TTC #2 for a few months now and working with a RE since I have infertility issues. If it were up to me I would wait another year to try, I always worry about how we are going to raise two kids while one is special needs. However my DS is adamant about having a second child soon. He is also older than me and doesn't want to wait until he is "really old" as he says, to have more kids. His mentality is "don't worry it will work itself out". Another issue is, when my DS goes to the special needs pre-school I will have to drop him off since my DH works overnights and gets home late morning, and I would get into work late, which leaves me no time to go for monitoring in the morning anymore at the RE so if I am not pregnant this month I won't be able to go back. So a couple of issues with me here!

In the end I will be willing to give up pursuing a second child for now if it means my DS will improve at the school. It hurts when I see family member's kids of the same age saying so much and I just long for my DS to at least call me mommy, or get excited to see me when I come home from work.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Depending on the special needs pre-schools have buses the children go on and they pick them up from your house. Also you have the right to send him to a normal pre-school and they should receive some extra funding to get him a 1 to 1 helper.

 

[sequeena]

I was watching my 18 month cousin the other day and had Thomas at the same time. They are both the same age mentally and physically - I'm not entirely sure I can cope with 2 children. It was so hard

 

[SammieGrace]

oh my gosh! I am so thankful I found this thread.

My DS turned 2 last month. He is non-verbal. He was diagnosed with ASD at 18 months and has been receiving speech since then and ABA since June (got a late start on the ABA because they couldn't find me a team leader). I just got approval to transition him into a special needs pre-school since due to my DH's ever changing work schedule, and my work schedule, we weren't able to provide him with the amount of ABA sessions he needed at home. So we are awaiting his start date at the school....In the end I will be willing to give up pursuing a second child for now if it means my DS will improve at the school. It hurts when I see family member's kids of the same age saying so much and I just long for my DS to at least call me mommy, or get excited to see me when I come home from work.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Depending on the special needs pre-schools have buses the children go on and they pick them up from your house. Also you have the right to send him to a normal pre-school and they should receive some extra funding to get him a 1 to 1 helper.

I second the thought that they should be able to provide transportation. I am waiting for DS's first real IEP meeting on October 3, and hoping that he will be placed in a special preschool class. I am fairly certain that the school district has to provide transportation, so he would be able to ride the bus them.

My DH is much more relaxed and less anxious about having another child. I think he just assumes after all of the testing we have had for our son that it is very unlikely for another child to have the same challenges. I guess I am not as convinced...

 

[SammieGrace]

I was watching my 18 month cousin the other day and had Thomas at the same time. They are both the same age mentally and physically - I'm not entirely sure I can cope with 2 children. It was so hard

Oh hun, ! I know it's tough, I can understand feeling kind of crushed after seeing that. It is just hard to feel like you child isn't as advanced as others or doesn't do the same things. I'm not sure that ever really gets easier

I just had a play date for Cullen with two other little boys of a friend of mine. Her sons, age 2.5 and 4 were just so much more interactive with each other than my son is with other kids. Also, the younger one kept coming up and wanting to play with me, and was really interested in interacting. My son just doesn't usually do that, which made me kind of sad to think about. Though it was great to see that after watching his friend play with me, Cullen came up and wanted to join the game! I thought that was really great, that he was learning from being around them. He is definitely not as socially advanced as the 2.5 year old, but he still had a lot of fun!

 

[AP]

When I had DD1 everyone asked me if I would have another. i said no immediately. I was scared of the future.

I changed my mind but found out I was pregnant anyway and I thought it was a huge mistake when i found out. i was in bits.

Oh how I was wrong.

Life is amazing. Tori is a little sister who is a tower of strength considering. They are the best of friends. Tori is ahead of Alex in many areas but that just helps Alex. It was nothing but a benefit to Alex.

I'm over the comparisons. They used to sting, now I just remind myself Alex is very unique, how can I compare?

I don't regret a thing. Things fit together. They just do.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

It can make life harder, but has not fully put me off. x