Disco Derail! - TTCAL/PAL Discussion and Support!

[prgirl_cesca]

I think gender disappointment is very relevant. Even if you have had losses or long term ttc it can still occur. I know because I had/have it.

 

[pregoinnorge]

In my mom group here there are three women who each have three boys and they talked a lot about gender disappointment one day. It was super uncomfortable actually and then another women proceeded to explain how this baby came after 5 previous losses, most of them in the second or even third trimester, and she would appreciate it if they would stop talking about this in front of her. It was quite awkward I must say but she opened the door for us who had problems along the way to share and it was actually a very touching conversation. Strange that the women with three kids had no problems at all. Not that I wish problems upon people, but doesn't that kind of beat all odds?

But at the same time, I think it can be normal, just a difficult subject to bring up I guess.

 

[NatoPMT]

Sorry to hear that cesca. I wanted a girl and was convinced i was having a boy so i read up on the differences between girls and boys and read lots of stuff that made me feel sorry for boybies, and made me feel more connected to them. Stuff like they arent held, talked to or cuddled as much and it made me realise that they might have a tougher start in life. My natural love of the underdog took over and made me realise i would have to give a boy lots of love for him to flourish which helped me overcome the gender disappointment i mightve felt if Eloise was a boy. If there's anything you want to discuss off board Im here for ya. I can send you the document i made about differences (just pasted from the internet) if you think it might be of interest to you

Amy - I think for most people who feel they cant discuss it, isolation about the issue can magnify it and it can come out in different ways, that might adversely affect how they feel about their baby - so im glad that opened a door

its a very very difficult topic. Two of my friends have it - one is due on May 3rd and we talk openly about it - i big up the boys to her. I think it makes her feel more normal so not such a bad person.

 

[NatoPMT]

also, i have a friend who thinks girls are more viewed more negatively. One example she gave is that a girl who knows her own mind is called 'wilful', whereas a boy is adventurous or independent, which i completely agree with after seeing my mother call my niece wilful the same week we discussed it. My niece ignored my mum calling her for tea and mum said 'that child is wilful'

Im actually having serious problems with my mum at the moment as the things she says are being highlighted now i have my own daughter to protect from her influence.

Eloise screams after being fed until i have got her burp up, and mum said 'she's got a real temper on her' which made me so mad - shes just a baby in pain, stop labelling her!!! Im the one with the temper.

 

[Dazed]

Sorry, shouldn't have brought it up. I guess with my never gotten to that point in my life its not for me to point out and I am definately going to keep opinions to myself.

 

[NatoPMT]

No Dazy, you have every right to feel mad and have a strong reaction. Thats the place youre in, its something you cant imagine. I think many who feel gender disappointment never imagined they would seem to take something so precious as what looks to be flippantly to the outside world.

 

[Dazed]

I never said I was mad.

 

[NatoPMT]

REALLY?! You have got to be kidding me!

sorry for saying you were mad. i misinterpreted the above and said 'mad' out of ease.

 

[Round2]

I think it's an interesting conversation. No need to feel bad Dazed, we're all adults here with different opinions. We can handle a controversial conversation every once in awhile!

After my losses when I was LTTC, I use to feel sick when I saw posts about it. But now that I have healthy baby on board, I am able to empathize. I'm certain if I didn't have a girl already, I would be disappointed about having a boy. I had an awful relationship with my mom growing up and it's something that has always affected me. Now that I have a daughter, I feel like some of that has been repaired. I feel like I'm finally experiencing what most women get their entire life. I know I would have loved Maddy just the same if she had been a boy, but I think a part of me would still be missing.

 

[prgirl_cesca]

Don't feel bad dazed, it's a normal reaction to gender disappointment - hence why a lot of mums with it tend to ignore it.

Thanks for the offer Nato, i'm fine with it now really. It would have been so much better if I had just found out at 20 weeks. I was stuck with this screaming, refluxy newborn who for some reason my PND(ish) made me think if he were a girl he wouldn't be screaming or have reflux and all the other issues. Which is of course bollocks. i just didn't get time to get used to the idea of having a boy - it was thrown at me in the form of a tiny baby! And it's not even that I didn't want a boy - it was more i've been around girls all my life, i'm girly myself, do I don't know any different.

Now it's fine though, it only ever shows itself when I'm annoyed at how shit boys clothes are in the shops!

 

[Jaymes]

Can anyone suggest any good ideas to help spd my lower back is killing me this morning xx

I am a firm beliver in chiropractic care! I had SPD with Lexi, and the only thing that made it bearable was getting adjusted! It was slightly awkward at times as my dr would adjust my pelvis and or pubic bone... But I always walked out feeling much better. I was going weekly at the end, to manage the pain.

I never said I was mad.

Honestly, thank you for bringing this up.

Earlier today I did an old wives tale thing and mixed fmu with baking soda... No fizz = girl. Fizzy = boy... There was no fizz, and I was a little sad, then I was angry with myself for feeling disappointed! I think my reaction has either told me that I need to find out, or maybe I shouldn't... I am flip flopping on it, and it is driving me batty! If it is a girl, I may need time to get used to the idea, but if it is a boy having a surprise would be so nice!
So really thanks for letting me know while my feelings were not what I was hoping to feel, they were also not as uncommon as I had thought.

 

[vickyd]

Honestly i never knew such a thing existeed until I saw it on B&B. My first and only reaction was to think that im having/have a baby and there are women out there who either cant have babies or are loosing them. How could i be disapointed? Its the way i view things in general. Like the economic crisis, sure things are rough but there are people living on the streets or people dying of hunger in Africa so everything is put into perspective.
Nato here in Greece when women find out they are having boys they are the happiest people on earth! Historically in our society women who had boys were considered superior to those who could only produce girls! My fathers generation when asked about offspring would say if they had 2 boys and one girl " i have two kids and one girl" !!! So i suppose if a couple had only girls they would suffer from what we now call gender disapointment.
Anyways, love a good ol disco debate!!!

 

[Round2]

Can anyone suggest any good ideas to help spd my lower back is killing me this morning xx

I am a firm beliver in chiropractic care! I had SPD with Lexi, and the only thing that made it bearable was getting adjusted! It was slightly awkward at times as my dr would adjust my pelvis and or pubic bone... But I always walked out feeling much better. I was going weekly at the end, to manage the pain.

I totally agree! I go to a chiropractor and it has done wonders!! And I was the biggest skeptic!

 

[vickyd]

Dazed please dont stop expressing your opinions. We are all different people, brought up differently and experiencing different things. We are bound to disagree and even occasionally rub someone the wrong way but ultimately we all have everyones back in the end ( or so I hope lol!)

 

[roonsma]

Hi all You've just brought back my feelings on gender issues. I've always wanted two boys, it was my dream. I was so worried I'd not love my baby if she was a girl i convinced myself both times i was having girls to try and soften the blow if you like. It's not something i could change, i was just how i felt. When both my boys were born i was amazed they were boys and after i'd had Harry i can remember thinking i'd got the two boys i'd always wanted. I wonder how i'd have bonded with my babies if they'd been girls. I'm sure i'd have been fine but i suspect it'd have taken a while longer.

This probably sounds like madness but i thought i'd post anyway

 

[Dazed]

Honestly, I don't think I have a right to have an opinion. My stance as not being a parent is that you know there is a 50/50 chance of either sex. I understand that we have a little hope for one or the other and you give it a bit of time and you should be over it. I honestly don't think it warrents an entire section. It just make me think what the hell is being discussed in there and makes me fear the worst. Small opinion expressed. At this point all I want is to be done with all this TTC and move on. Maybe then can I truely see the other side.

 

[roonsma]

You do have the right to an opinion Dazed! I understand what you mean about what's being discussed in there could be worrying I hope you get to see it from the other side Hun, I'm still cheering on you TTC'ers although i rarely post xxx

 

[Jaymes]

You have every right to an opinion... Just because you've not had the experience, doesn't mean you have to be neutral on the subject! I never thought about it until this morning, and was very angry and horribly disappointed in my thoughts on the subject.

praying this is your cycle!

 

[jenny25]

You know I'm going to be a mum of 4 boys 2 of which are not here when I found out Kieran was a boy I was a little sad knowing that this is my last pregnancy due to my history and health problems that I'd never have my girl I felt a whole lot of emotions though I do feel blessed to be finally carrying a healthy boy I will still love him millions and treasure him when he is born because I fought so hard to get him xxx

 

[LucyJ]

Interesting debate girls and dazed you have every right to have an opinion and I so hope you can see it from the other side very soon. Cheering all you ladies ttc on and hope you get your forever babies.

For me personally my only reaction was that I have a healthy baby and I felt so blessed. I was quite shocked by how many people asked me what I hoped for when I was pregnant I'd always say a healthy baby and I didnt mind which I didnt thats one of the reasons why we didnt find out what we were having we wanted that surprise. I hope that I will be lucky enough to have a little girl as well as I have a great mother daughter relationship with my mum and would like to have the same but if I have another boy I'll still be over the moon. I was concerened about how my mum would bond with the baby if I had a boy as after 3 sons (who have put her through some rough times) and 2 grandsons and only me and 1 granddaughter I wasnt sure how shed cope with another boy but it was never an issue she loved Benjamin from the moment she saw him and they have an amazing bond, she has now inherited another grandson if thats the right term my brothers gf has a 4 yr old boy. I guess its a level and how people react to it and deal with it. My friend was hoping for a girl as she said she didnt know how to look after a boy as she wasnt used to boys she had a younger sister and females counsin and no nephews.

Vicky its interesting about the culture of how having a boy is very important my eldest brother had a big thing about having boys especially as he was the first born and he'd had a son I have to say I found it quite odd but steves dad said a similar thing when he came to see Ben aftre he was born about his eldest having a son despite his younger son having 2 sons its like the first born of the first born in the family blood line. I suppose it goes back to a time when men wanted boys so they would inherit the family home/business/throne etc.

On a completely separate issue Allie thank you Benjamin has been on proper meals since about 7 months and has been eating what we have a lot of the time since about 7 and half/8 months. I really took my time with the weening tried to follow hs cues and I had a wake with my mum which was really usefull she gave me such a confidence boost. My battery on the ipad is about to die so wont write anymore but if you want any more information about what I did (not that im saying how Ive done it is the right way) then let me know and I'll write a post about it tomorrow can put it on a spoiler do as not to bore anyone with it. I'll say to you what my mum says to me on a regular basis "trust yourself"

Cesca I totally get what you mean about not knowing what to expect next time I never went into labour so I have no idea what to expect I find that thought a bit scary as 2nd time round you'd hope to feel a bit more preparaed guess I dont need to worry about that just yet. Are you thinking of trying again?

to all and hope you all have a great weekend. Time to put ipad on charge.