NatoPMT
Real life mummy
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2010
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sorry i only have time to answer allie at the mo, will chat generally later, and do cooing at lines (coo coo twit twoo Yogi!!!)
From where i am sitting, and clearly that place is very uneducated as to whats going on between you, but the house is sort of a red herring. It seems that the issue is
He told me I bring out the worst in him, and he's sick of how I'm never happy with him, and he wants someone more independent and easygoing. I was talking to a friend last night and those are two words that people seem to think I am....so it's weird he thinks I'm not. I mean, yes, I depend on him a lot more than anyone else, but he's my husband.
Bringing out the worst in him....well, on that, it might be that your chemistry is off at the moment, i say at the mo cos it hasnt always have been, but no one can force anyone to be anything other than who they are. He is wholly responsible for his behaviour and actions. I recall you saying hed called you a name recently. Thats his decision to do that, if he feels guilty about what hes done or said recently, he is responsible for that. Everything is a transaction, an interaction, but how you react to others is on your own head. Can you question him further about this, what does he feel is his 'worst', what would he have done ideally instead of something he feels bad about in those situations? It might be a cop out, in that he's passive aggressively passing on his issues to you, out of guilt or whatever
'He wants someone more independent and easy going" - im in 2 minds whether to say this to you, but why is he thinking of who he will be with - or who he'd prefer in future? I think you could try to bring his head back into the here and now and whats happening at this moment. He is married to you. How can this marriage work, or how can you deal with this situation now to bring the right outcome - i often think that people who make the decision to split are keeping things in, until the explosive conclusion of 'I want to split'....he may have moved ahead of you in the break up thinking as he may not have been communicating the issues effectively as they happened, and the first you hear, apart from the arguments and distance is this announcement you werent expecting. Thats not fair, thats left you behind emotionally. See if you can get him to take a step back into the here and now to discuss how this has happened. Obviously i dont know how you are reacting to him recently and today, but can you hear him out and accepting his point of view if he does give you the courtesy of moving back emotionally into the place you are to discuss? Everyone has a right to feel how they do, but its not fair for him to be thinking of the future, shutting down and making plans without giving you the opportunity to understand how you have got here
If its weird he thinks you arent who you see yourself as, maybe ask him to give examples of this, and find out who you are to him.
The refusal to stay put in this house may have compounded those feelings for him in the easy going part, but i am unable to force the dependancy label on you from the house issue
Splitting bills - this is such a man thing to do, fixing and being practical. Ideally you should be listing whats going wrong between you, but again, splitting bills and making plans for how you can live apart indicates to me that hes emotionally moved out of the present. This might be because its actually very difficult to be open and honest with someone you feel issues towards and who youve been distant from. The emotional path of least resistance is to run away. Remind him that splitting and being single parents is harder in the long term than honesty in the present.
Interesting he thinks you should be more easy going when he wont break the lease. Thats not an easy going reaction to a piece of paper.
If you did move house together, then it might feel better initially, but the issues have arisen from you as a couple and would follow you. How has the baby affected your relationship? Its not uncommon for things to come to a head with a baby, as parenting and tiredness and stress have an effect. Sometimes a relationship lasting is more dependant on how you deal with the tough times, not how great the good times are. So would he consider relationship counselling do you think? Would you?
Im really sorry you are going through this x
From where i am sitting, and clearly that place is very uneducated as to whats going on between you, but the house is sort of a red herring. It seems that the issue is
He told me I bring out the worst in him, and he's sick of how I'm never happy with him, and he wants someone more independent and easygoing. I was talking to a friend last night and those are two words that people seem to think I am....so it's weird he thinks I'm not. I mean, yes, I depend on him a lot more than anyone else, but he's my husband.
Bringing out the worst in him....well, on that, it might be that your chemistry is off at the moment, i say at the mo cos it hasnt always have been, but no one can force anyone to be anything other than who they are. He is wholly responsible for his behaviour and actions. I recall you saying hed called you a name recently. Thats his decision to do that, if he feels guilty about what hes done or said recently, he is responsible for that. Everything is a transaction, an interaction, but how you react to others is on your own head. Can you question him further about this, what does he feel is his 'worst', what would he have done ideally instead of something he feels bad about in those situations? It might be a cop out, in that he's passive aggressively passing on his issues to you, out of guilt or whatever
'He wants someone more independent and easy going" - im in 2 minds whether to say this to you, but why is he thinking of who he will be with - or who he'd prefer in future? I think you could try to bring his head back into the here and now and whats happening at this moment. He is married to you. How can this marriage work, or how can you deal with this situation now to bring the right outcome - i often think that people who make the decision to split are keeping things in, until the explosive conclusion of 'I want to split'....he may have moved ahead of you in the break up thinking as he may not have been communicating the issues effectively as they happened, and the first you hear, apart from the arguments and distance is this announcement you werent expecting. Thats not fair, thats left you behind emotionally. See if you can get him to take a step back into the here and now to discuss how this has happened. Obviously i dont know how you are reacting to him recently and today, but can you hear him out and accepting his point of view if he does give you the courtesy of moving back emotionally into the place you are to discuss? Everyone has a right to feel how they do, but its not fair for him to be thinking of the future, shutting down and making plans without giving you the opportunity to understand how you have got here
If its weird he thinks you arent who you see yourself as, maybe ask him to give examples of this, and find out who you are to him.
The refusal to stay put in this house may have compounded those feelings for him in the easy going part, but i am unable to force the dependancy label on you from the house issue
Splitting bills - this is such a man thing to do, fixing and being practical. Ideally you should be listing whats going wrong between you, but again, splitting bills and making plans for how you can live apart indicates to me that hes emotionally moved out of the present. This might be because its actually very difficult to be open and honest with someone you feel issues towards and who youve been distant from. The emotional path of least resistance is to run away. Remind him that splitting and being single parents is harder in the long term than honesty in the present.
Interesting he thinks you should be more easy going when he wont break the lease. Thats not an easy going reaction to a piece of paper.
If you did move house together, then it might feel better initially, but the issues have arisen from you as a couple and would follow you. How has the baby affected your relationship? Its not uncommon for things to come to a head with a baby, as parenting and tiredness and stress have an effect. Sometimes a relationship lasting is more dependant on how you deal with the tough times, not how great the good times are. So would he consider relationship counselling do you think? Would you?
Im really sorry you are going through this x
, she eventually settled though. 
just lost a massive post ahhhhhh too tired to retype must go to bed as have my brothers wedding tomorrow if I get a chance to write tomorrow I will do massive 
Good night ladies!
