Disco Derail! - TTCAL/PAL Discussion and Support!

[NatoPMT]

I can't even explain my self, my head says different to what I'm able to say aloud! I'm not even making sense am I!

I'm so unhappy, I'm not in love with my husband and cannot remember the last time I was! If he cheated or gave me reason it would be so much easier! I don't know if its real! I'm so unhappy and I'm trying to find reasons why! I know my marriage is over! I hate myself, I hate that I'm going to let my kids come from a broken home, there's no reason other than my selfishness!

Every thing is a struggle, I can't sit down for more than 5 minutes, I drive for hours everyday, around and around just to keep busy!

I have a constant lump in my throat, my belly hurts so much, that physical pain ya know you feel when you lose a baby!

I'm making no sense at all!

You poor thing.

First off, would you consider you and Danny going to couples counselling together? When things get so far down the line, sometimes trying to unravel it together might seem impossible, but a professional might be able to help you get to the bottom of the issues and if those issues are insurmountable, in a way that could help preserve the parenting relationship if not the marriage. If you can come out of this as parents, then that would help your children enormously obviously, but also you with your concerns about broken homes. Broken homes dont always have to be broken, sometimes they can co exist in a place that is still healthy, but a messy split can make that harder.

The ideal senario would be that counselling might help you to both understand how you have gotten to this point and establish (after hard work in therapy and time) whether they can be unravelled without too much damage. Love is fluid, it doesnt always stay the same and can come and go. Because its gone, doesnt mean its gone forever, it might mean it needs to be refound, or let go.

I'm so sorry things are so hard. It sounds like youre having a fucking horrible time. Its not selfish to need some sort of calm and order as a parent. Its not selfish to want to not be this unhappy. You cant sacrifice your and Danny's lives for an ideal that you wouldnt attain even if you did stay. If you stayed in this position, you wouldnt be a happy family, and thats what the children need, but i think you would be happiest if you went through a more 'controlled' process to find out what the best option is, and counselling is the safest way to do that. Im really sorry if youve discussed counselling before and im 10 pages behind.

EVERYTHING is transitional, everything changes and is temporary for that moment only. Which means this too shall pass. In whatever form that takes, the future is different from today. You wont always feel this way x

 

[Sassy_TTC]

You girls are the best, I thank you all so much!

It's so hard to tell someone your so unhappy when they clearly think life has never been so good! I've tried to talk to danny in detail and he sees it as a joke! The last time being Tuesday, he joked that dinner was our 'last supper'! Then he questioned if I was doing the right thing by taking anti depressants 'incase I get hooked'! I'm reaching out to him to help me and I don't think he is! He on purpose wouldn't collect the pills for me!

I would love to go to counselling and resolve this, I would love to wake up tomorrow and feel the way I did years ago but in my heart of hearts I know it will never happen and I think that's why it's so hard for me to deal with! The main reason this all stemed from was him not being there for me when I was so horribly depressed after my mc's! Not once was he there for me! Then when I fell pregnant with Zach he asked me to get rid, he never came to the first 4 scans, for that ill never forgive him!

I know what I need to do but saying it is easy! I've got to wreck so many lives just because I'm not in love with him! We never argue! We get on! I just hope we can always remain on such good terms!

Mel- I can't go away, danny couldn't get time off work and even then I could never leave the kids, without them around me I don't like to think what state is get myself into!

 

[vickyd]

Sass did you ever talk to him while you were dealing with mc's about his lack of support? I remember i felt many times that Alex wasnt supporting me enough and before we tried for Hero i told him i need him there 100% or else ill go crazy. I remember i was alone at the scan where they found the mmc and the idea of being alone again getting bad news or not having him feel my pain was really dispairing. He never could really explain to me why he was more calm about what we went through, he was downplaying the significance so that i wouldnt break down. He beleives to this day that he has to be the cool one in order to retain some balance with my oversensitivity or something.
Are you sure you are not in love anymore?? Could it just be a forgiveness issue?

 

[msarkozi]

I just gasped at that comment Sass, and I think that right there is a big part of the problem. The fact that he asked you to get rid of Zach is a hard thing to live with knowing it was said, and you are probably still wondering if he feels that way with him being born! Yikes, I couldn't imagine!

He needs to be more supportive of you, especially since you are trying to be happy again. He needs to get the pills for you and not joke about it! He is going to end up throwing you over the deep end.

You won't wreck anyones lives if you don't stay with him. Your children's happiness depends on yours as well. And if you keep things civil with Danny, then they don't lose out. They still have happy parents

I wish we lived closer together so I could come hug you and help you ou!!

 

[Round2]

Sassy, I'm so, so sorry honey. You're going through alot right now. I really don't know what else to say other than, I feel that making yourself happy, is the most important thing right now. Your kids will know if you are miserable and it will make them unhappy. I'm not sure if that means leaving Danny or just getting some counselling, but you need to make yourself a priority.

I wish I could come over there and give you a big hug. Nato is right, you will feel better one day. This will pass, you just need to figure out how to make things better.

 

[LucyJ]

Oh Sassy I am so sorry you are going through this. I cant begin to imagine how you feel and sorry danny isnt giving you the support you need.

You have to do what is best for you for your happiness and state of mind. You all deserve to be happy whether thats together or apart. Do you think danny would go to counciling not neccessarily to save the marriage but to help with the transition if it is really over.

Sending you massive and know we are always here. Talk to us even if you dont think it makes sense I really think you need to get it ouy.

 

[NatoPMT]

You girls are the best, I thank you all so much!

It's so hard to tell someone your so unhappy when they clearly think life has never been so good! I've tried to talk to danny in detail and he sees it as a joke! The last time being Tuesday, he joked that dinner was our 'last supper'! Then he questioned if I was doing the right thing by taking anti depressants 'incase I get hooked'! I'm reaching out to him to help me and I don't think he is! He on purpose wouldn't collect the pills for me!

I would love to go to counselling and resolve this, I would love to wake up tomorrow and feel the way I did years ago but in my heart of hearts I know it will never happen and I think that's why it's so hard for me to deal with! The main reason this all stemed from was him not being there for me when I was so horribly depressed after my mc's! Not once was he there for me! Then when I fell pregnant with Zach he asked me to get rid, he never came to the first 4 scans, for that ill never forgive him!

I know what I need to do but saying it is easy! I've got to wreck so many lives just because I'm not in love with him! We never argue! We get on! I just hope we can always remain on such good terms!

Mel- I can't go away, danny couldn't get time off work and even then I could never leave the kids, without them around me I don't like to think what state is get myself into!

Sassers, whatever has caused the love to fade doesnt mean it cant be moved onto something new. People do get past terrible betrayals of trust. Im not saying you should, or even that you should try, I'm just saying that it is possible. Whether you want to is a different matter, but your feeling all over the place so Id like to offer some alternatives because sometimes it can help clarify how you feel and give you the courage of your convictions either way.

"I would love to wake up tomorrow and feel the way I did years ago but in my heart of hearts I know it will never happen "

You will never feel the way you did years ago again, with Danny or with someone new, that was years ago and of its moment and was unique to that time....and this is now and you are a different person with so many experiences since then. What you would hope for would be something that suits you now.

If you could save it, and forgive and feel love for him again at the click of a finger, would you? you saying you'd love to feel how you did in the past suggest you would?

Obviously thats never going to happen at the click of a finer, but Im just trying to establish whether you feel you cant love him, or whether you dont want to, which is subtly different.

"The main reason this all stemed from was him not being there for me when I was so horribly depressed after my mc's! Not once was he there for me! Then when I fell pregnant with Zach he asked me to get rid, he never came to the first 4 scans, for that ill never forgive him!"

I often think that the good times don't define a marriage, it's how you deal with the bad times together that makes or breaks it. So getting on and not arguing means nothing when you feel he wasnt there when you needed him. I do think in 1 respect youre protecting yourself by not loving him, he's showed to you that he seems unable to support you when you really need it. But, to be fair to him, he might not know how to, and that is the sort of thing that needs communication, I dont know how you communicated to him at that time.

The issue with Zach, this is so tricky. You made Zach together. Whatever happened to get you pregnant (ie contraception failure or whatever) you both inputted to a situation you both felt differently about. He has a right to an opinion as to how many children he has(...depending on the circumstances of conception ...)... You have a history with pregnancy loss so that was never going to be a battle that would be without serious issue on both sides. He does have a right to his say. You had a right to yours, but you also have a right to feel how you do today, neither of you is right or wrong

Sassy, what a nightmare, i really feel for you

 

[NatoPMT]

Nato loved the salary break down!!!! Fucking ACE!!!!
I have a long history of piling all my anxieties in one plate to a point where i dont know what exactly is the root of all my worries. In this situation i think my main problem is my feeling inadequate as a mother. This is what i need to deal with rather than freaking out about chemical exposures. Although this will always be a worry for me, to be honest there is nothing i can do to change the past nor do i have the luxury of not working or even changing profession at this age.

i know. i like to keep that on hand in case of emergency (ie john will you do the washing up please)

i think youre right. well, you are more likely to be right about yourself than anything else. It might be 'easier' to worry about something you cant change like chemicals too.

what do you think you could do to deal with it?

 

[NatoPMT]

I have to go to bed kids. Muchos love to all x

 

[LucyJ]

Night nato hope you sleep well xx

 

[msarkozi]

Night Nato!

 

[hoping:)]

Sassy- I really like the advice the girls gave you. Especially Nato’s about your kids not coming from a broken home because it is possible to co-exist. Mel is right, your kid’s happiness depends on your happiness too. I really hope you can get some couples counseling if you do choose to make this work. Its not easy dealing with this on your own especially if Danny doesn’t take you seriously. The thing about Zach is really hard. Its understandable for you to feel that way and probably brought back how he wasn’t there for you during the MCs. I would lose it if my husband asked me to abort knowing we had so many losses. We are here for you and only want to see you happy.


Nato- I love your salary break down for a stay at home mom! And I hope all the SAHMs use this to their advantage Good night! its weird that you are going to bed while I am just about to get off work!


I’m lucky because Tim pulls his weight and probably more. But I think it’s because our roles are reversed. I work full time while he is part time so he can take care of Penny while I work. I’m the one who is getting scolded for not rinsing the dishes well before putting them in the dishwasher and for having a closet that looks like a disaster. Tim has Penny mostly during the week while I work and then on the weekends its me and Penny in the afternoon until Tim comes home.When we are together it is 50/50 and that helps us appreciate how demanding being at home with a one year old can be. We savor our 'us' time when that little rascal is finally in bed!

 

[msarkozi]

Hoping, I am so jealous lol! That is so wonderful that you both look after Penny like you do. I told Gord he needs to step up once this baby is born, as I won't be able to deal with it all on my own all the time!

Gord and I are going away at the end of the month for medical appointments, and so while we are in Red Deer, my aunt is going to babysit Kash for us so we can have a date night! She offered Kash spending the night as well, but I am undecided yet on that. I haven't slept away from Kash yet, and I am not sure if I am ready to?! I realize I am going to have to for sure when I am in the hospital having the baby, but yeah, I just don't know lol

 

[VGibs]

Sass - A broken home is not the end of the world. I left my ex. I did not love him. He had cared so little about me that he did not even realize we had left until almost 2 weeks later. I did everything in our home, and in raising our daughter. My 10 year old is fine. I spent 4 years alone. It was very very hard to be a single mother. But I had more fun and more love being a single Mom then I ever had with him. I went on dates. I met new people. I did not spend one single day feeling guilty. I knew that my child could not grow up thinking that Mom's and Dad's should act towards each other like we did. But I knew without a single doubt that it was definitely over when I stopped caring if he came home that night. I did not care if he dropped off the face of the earth. I knew I could care for my child alone and I did. And I still do as he hasn't paid support in almost a year now.

 

[heart tree]

Sassy, thank you so much for letting us in. You are making perfect sense to me. How much does Danny know about your feelings? How were they communicated? Often, when we get to these kinds of breaking points, we've let our feelings build and fester for so long that eventually it becomes difficult if not impossible to repair. I think this is precisely why I'm asking for advice about how to communicate with Tim. My fear is that I will let this all fester and then not want to be with him anymore. It sounds like things weren't going well in the marriage before the kids. Marriages can disintegrate when you add kids to the mix. The stress, lack of sleep, redefining of roles, etc. is enough to put even a great marriage on edge, especially in the beginning. I keep going back to the question, how much does Danny know? One thing I've learned is that no one can read minds, as much as we would like. I imagine he knows how you feel, as he knows about the antidepressants. But how was it communicated to him? He doesn't seem to be taking it seriously and he needs to.

If you know in your heart that you are done, then the only way to find happiness again is to make a drastic change. Your children will benefit from your happiness as others have said.

I very much agree with Nato that love shifts. Too much has happened in your lives to feel the same kind of love. It doesn't mean that it can't still be love. But together you need to redefine it. If he's not taking you seriously, if he's not supporting you and you've communicated that you need his support, then he isn't helping to define love between you.

If you are both willing to go to counseling, I think it would be the best thing. Sometimes counseling helps to keep couples together. Sometimes it helps couples see why they aren't meant to be together and can help break the union in an amicable way. Either way, it would benefit you both and your children.

Nato, I love the salary chart. I often think about that. Thanks for writing it down. Tim may have to see it before the week is over. I hope you are doing ok my lovely. I've been feeling sad for you. When people I care for have a loss, I feel it deep inside, as if I've lost again too.

Mel, maybe a trial sleepover would be a good idea before the baby comes. But maybe it would be better to do one where you are closer to home. That way if Kash gets upset in the middle of the night, you could come and get him.

Girls, as always, thanks for the advice. It's good to hear I'm not the only one who is dealing with this stuff. Generally Tim is a great guy. He loves me madly and loves Delilah. I think I was able to overlook things before I had her. I like the house cleaner than he does, so I cleaned it. But now I don't have time. The things I overlooked now have a magnifying glass on them. Some things I need to address with him. Others I need to let go. I know that inherently but it doesn't make me any less annoyed at the moment!

 

[heart tree]

Sass, Gibs is right. My dad left my mother and me when I was 6 months old, the same age as Delilah is now. My mother remarried a wonderful man when I was 4 years old. I gained 2 amazing step-siblings from that marriage and a great half brother. I shudder to think about my parents together. It wouldn't have been a happy childhood for me. And I was young enough that I never got scarred from the divorce. Granted, I have some father issues, but nothing out of proportion.

 

[msarkozi]

there are some brilliant woman in this group! Reading all of your posts is amazing. You all offer such great insight and advice! love you girls!

Hearty, the good thing is we will be staying at my grandfather's house, and my aunt lives a block away from him. I think he would love sleeping over with his older cousins, but not sure how he would do in the middle of the night if he wakes. Knowing me, I probably won't leave him as I will miss him too much. It's so crazy to love someone so much like that, that you become so attached and can't function without...it's an amazing feeling!!!

 

[NatoPMT]

Sassy, been thinking of you

Luce and Sparkly - how are the 3 beans today?

Mel, hows the bump? I feel the same about Eloise staying over with someone else, i would be worried about her waking to find us not there. Any thoughts on what you will do? I was worried about being in hospital with a baby and i was only 5 weeks! That had already started to bother me.

Hearty, how are you feeling today? hope youve got some clarity on how you feel it best to approach the situation at home now youve slept on it. Im so sorry that things affect you like that - it does take you right back there but your empathy is warming.

Ive had a lovely morning with my little girl, i took her to Baby Bounce and she was playing with 2 other girls with a ball. She's such a sweet baby, she was throwing the ball to the other girls while they were screaming when their mummies tried to get them to share. I think its normal to not share at that age, its just eloise is special.

 

[LucyJ]

Oh shit shit shit I think Ive managed to announce my pregnancy on fb by accident. Cant believe I would be so fucking stupid I commented on a website about eczema and pregnancy and its linked it to fb and posted what I wrote Ive deleted that post which has gone from my wall but steve could see it in his news feed. This is not how it was meant to happen and not this early I am so fucking cross with myself and feel like crying

 

[Round2]

Ah Nato, I'm glad to hear you sounding up beat.

Mel, I waited till Maddy was 2 before I could handle a sleepover...apparently you only feel that way with your first though as Bryce has had 2 sleepover's already!! Last weekend I had a bit of breakdown due to lack of sleep and my in-laws took him for a night. It was a little heartbreaking, but I was really glad that I did it.

Sassy, hope you're feeling better today.

Hearty, I'm sorry to hear you and struggling with Tim. These baby things really do change your marriage. Have you started D on solids yet? Bryce started off slow, but is really starting to like his cereal now.

Hoping, sounds like you've got a model hubby. I would fall over if my hubby ever scolded me for not loading the dishwasher! Did you decide on a surrogate?

I have to admit my hubby sucks at doing house work and he's really not that useful with babies....but he sure is amazing with older kids. His son is in high school and my hubby spends hours each week helping him learn anything that he didn't get from his teachers. Our daughter is in kindergarten and he taught her how to read this summer, now she reads at a second grade level. He goes out of his way to make sure our older children are stimulated, happy and constantly learning. Knowing this makes it easier to deal with the fact he can't seem to get Bryce to stop crying!!

AFM, rough night in our household....Bryce was up every 2 hours (which actually isn't a terrible night for him). but Maddy was up sick in between. Now she's laying on the couch with a high fever, crying and begging me to let her go to school. Bryce hasn't pood since Monday and is grumpy and uncomfortable. The worst of it is that I just discovered that I'm out of coffee... I really wish Starbucks delivered!!