Do children make you less happy?

[marley2580]

I'm having a bit of an argument with someone about this.

So a researcher in the USA has found, by asking people to track their happiness through their iphone, that those people that have kids are less happy than their childless counterparts.

Now I've thought quite hard about this and I would say that by and large, on a day to day basis, I am less happy now that I have children. I can no longer do what I want when I want, they can be really trying at times and a lot of hard work.

That said I feel more complete and contented due to having my kids, and I would never give them up (in fact I'm planning more).

The person I'm arguing with says I'm selfish for saying what I have and that being around your children is a joy and makes you even happier and that, if I'm not selfish then I must be in a bad state of mind. I think that he's kidding himself if he thinks that having children is nothing but joy and happy times - either that or he has perfect kids.

So what do you think? Are you less happy now you have your kids?

 

[tallybee]

I think you're right.

Does this person even have children? If so, he must have a lot of support with the day-to-day realities of parenting.

Anyone who thinks that having children makes you happy is frankly deluded. Don't get me wrong - I love my kids more than anything - we plan to have another as well! - but they're not little 'happy-makers'! They are fulfilling yes but incredibly stressful! Parenting is the biggest job ever - the responsibility is enormous, and it's wonderful, but the end fact is - that NO-ONE can make us happy - but ourselves.

I wasn't happier or less happy before children. My life has followed up and down cycles throughout, I have had bouts of depression and times of extreme happiness. I am the same person.

I do think that saying our children don't make us happy is still sort of taboo. No-one wants to admit it, which is ludicrous - we're expected to take to parenthood like ducks to water and love every second of it. Is it any wonder so many of us slip into PND or Major Depression? Society's expectations of us to adore parenthood are the root of many problems IMO. It's ridiculous to pretend that it's all sweetness, light and rewards.

We should really stop deluding ourselves and realise that whilst circumstances certainly feed into our happiness, having children is NOT a magic bullet for happiness.

 

[Lightworker]

TBH I think happiness is 100% a choice you make. People choose to be happy or unhappy. Some people choose to react happily towards their children and mothering, while others choose unhappily. I don't think children "make" you feel anything, you do.

 

[Nibblenic]

I agree with the above. My child doesnt MAKE me happy or sad. I choose to react and deal with situations in a postivie or negative way.

Now in the last 5 minutes Ive said 'can you eat your sandiwch' about 50 times maybe more. Ive just had a horrific time in the supermarket and generally I am in a bad mood. SO haveing to repeat myself aint helping however I would be in a bad mood whether Lo was here or not.

I am most likely more unhappy since Ive had lo. Mainly because it wrecked my back, im in pain constantly and have huge mood swings due to all my meds.

However in moments of true unhappiness. Not at all caused by my lo I find her a sorce of great comfort and happiness. Infact no one makes me smile like Lo does and no one makes me feel as loved and comforted as she does.

I was a big one on the 'i dont like children they ruin your life band waggon' up until about 23 I really didnt see why people had children. Now I totally get it however I still dont like other peoples kids with a few exceptions of course!

I do get how te study would show that you short term happiness which we complete by forfilling small personal needs would be reduced in people who have children

 

[Blah11]

I agree with you. during the day, I sometimes get a bit frustrated with amelie especially if shes having a bad day. Its not fun having to put away the same toy over and over However, I wouldn't be without her and I too feel a lot more 'complete' and content with my life. I'd say overall I'm happier now than I was before.

 

[fantastica]

I think more things contribute to it too...in general, i've been the happiest since having LO, i'm not 'depressed' anymore, I don't do any of the negative things I used to do ad he gives me so much happiness...but at the same time, i'm constantly stressed about te financial side of things and our future, and making sure Jacob is brought up right, stressing if he's having a narky day, always wondering if i'm doing the right thing. So, in general I would say i'm happier and more contented, but perhaps there's things that go with having children with can make you feel temporarily unhappy.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I think my kids make me happy, they are my life, they are my partners life and everything we do revolves around them, right or wrong I dont know but we dont get much free time. I dont think anything else would make me happier than being with them? I think being a mum was the making of me.

Yes I do have hard days but who doesn't!? I am definitely happier with them though!

 

[future_numan]

I think life is what you make it..
A childless person can be unhappy just as much as a person with children..
Life will always have it's up and downs no matter what you decided to do in regards to having children..

 

[Sarahkka]

Hmm.
I'm not sure I totally understand how the study determined what "happy" was.
I take it that they simply randomly surveyed people at different times of the day with a set of questions? And what they were measuring was contentment or satisfaction in the moment?
I don't know if I would consider that to be a determination of happiness, myself.

And I actually don't consider myself less happy with kids. It's just different. I didn't expect my life to be the same, but I also braced myself for the frustrations and exhaustion and all the rest and I still feel really happy with my life in general. I loved being my single free self, I loved being just a couple with my husband, and I love being a mother. They are all very different stages of my life, but I don't really compare them and decide if I was more happy in one or the other. Unless I was really unhappy right now (and was trying to remember what made me happy before), I don't know what the point of that would be.

I'm quite curious about this study - do you have a link of any sort? I want to know more about their criteria for "happy". That is a very subjective thing to measure.

 

[Sarahkka]

By the way, marley - HILARIOUS avatar!

 

[Lightworker]

Yeah I do agree that perhaps the state of being they were describing might not even be "happiness". And if it is happiness that they are assessing, some(like me) would argue that true happiness does not and cannot have varying degrees as it transcends any conditions in your life eg the existence, or lack thereof, children. So you cant say "I am more happy with children" as you're basing your happiness on an external factor and so it is not real happiness IYKWIM?

 

[moomin_troll]

if it wasnt for my son and being pregnant id of probably killed myself by now. the past 6 months have been so hard and the only thing thats made me smile is my son and the little things he does and says.

so no i dont agree with this at all. even before recent events my son made my life and made me even more happy then ive ever been. i think people who dont have children are the ones who are missing out

 

[marley2580]

It's this guy - https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/1941195/Marriage-without-children-the-key-to-bliss.html

 

[marley2580]

By the way, marley - HILARIOUS avatar!

Thank you. I nicked it off someone's FB lol

 

[Sarahkka]

Okay, read the article and mostly just found myself rather disturbed and confused.
Wanting "a return on your investment" with children? No wonder the people surveyed were unhappy! What a bizarre way to view parenthood.
And still not seeing a very well described definition of happiness there.

 

[Tegans Mama]

I am happier since I had Tegan. My life is definitely not an easy one, we go through things in a normal day that 90% of families will never see, but she makes me so happy.
I love being her Mum. And she loves me too. That is all I ever wanted.

 

[bky]

I think I'm more happy overall since having my baby, but day to day life can be quite frustrating IYKWIM? I wouldn't use day to day frustrations as a gauge on my happiness though. I mean, I feel fulfilled, I'm achieving what I want to be, have a good range of things to look forward to etc, all of which make me happy, but there are certainly day to day irritations involved in having a child that, at least for me, don't detract from my overall happiness.

 

[marley2580]

Okay, read the article and mostly just found myself rather disturbed and confused.
Wanting "a return on your investment" with children? No wonder the people surveyed were unhappy! What a bizarre way to view parenthood.
And still not seeing a very well described definition of happiness there.

This is his actual page where you can take part in tracking your happiness https://www.wjh.harvard.edu/~dtg/gilbert.htm

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I am happier since I had Tegan. My life is definitely not an easy one, we go through things in a normal day that 90% of families will never see, but she makes me so happy.
I love being her Mum. And she loves me too. That is all I ever wanted.

I love this I agree. I know its hard being a full time carer but the way matthew needs me to look after him, sometimes I just know this was my calling. I know it can be hard and I pull my hair out with the education and medical systems but I think him being that way has opened my eyes. I know T has different medical problems but just you being that needed and you and Hayley having that understanding about it and that link. I dont know what I am trying to say but sometimes I think me being here and things being this way were meant to be. Matthew changed me 100% for the better (yes a tad more stressed lol but better) xx

 

[Tegans Mama]

I am happier since I had Tegan. My life is definitely not an easy one, we go through things in a normal day that 90% of families will never see, but she makes me so happy.
I love being her Mum. And she loves me too. That is all I ever wanted.

I love this I agree. I know its hard being a full time carer but the way matthew needs me to look after him, sometimes I just know this was my calling. I know it can be hard and I pull my hair out with the education and medical systems but I think him being that way has opened my eyes. I know T has different medical problems but just you being that needed and you and Hayley having that understanding about it and that link. I dont know what I am trying to say but sometimes I think me being here and things being this way were meant to be. Matthew changed me 100% for the better (yes a tad more stressed lol but better) xx

I couldn't agree more. My life is nothing like what I thought it would be, but its perfect, and I love it.