don't know what to do about my ex's mum :/

[stephanie20]

Basically me and my ex had a bit of a bad relationship, there was violence and cheating and spending money we didn't have on his side and I got pregnant and then he left. Since then I have never stopped him from coming to scans and appointments but recently I think he has decided he doesn't want anything to do with the baby.

My dad has been ringing his mum up every few weeks about the bills in our flat he had in my name and is refusing to pay and everytime she just completely disregards this and says that I have to put his name on the birth certificate otherwise they will get a solicitor involved. I have no intention of putting him on the birth certificate for several reasons. 1) he has admitted that he is dealing drugs "to get money for the baby" and 2) he is telling people where he lives that it isn't his baby. I don't want someone like that on her birth certificate.

Anyway there has been a couple of times where my dad has rang his mum up and shes just completely ignored the fact that there are still bills to pay in our old flat and just threatened me with solicitors if i dont put him on the birth certificate, but my dad rang them yesterday and her husband spoke to us instead who said he can understand why we don't want him on the birth certificate but that the fob will kick off if i don't. He said it will just cause us grief and then said that they're worried that because of their son they're not going to see their granddaughter. I felt sorry for them then and was going to say they could see her but then my dad asked about money and we heard his mum in the background saying "shes not gonna get a penny out of us".

I have recently found out that because the fob works for his stepdad and gets paid cash in hand I probably won't be able to claim CSA

I don't know whether to let his parents have some sort of access, i was thinking about sending her a message on facebook but im not sure, I think if they're seeing her its only fair he pays some sort of maintenance, I know I was only going to get a fiver a week off him but its only fair he pays for his own baby. :/

 

[jessrabbit]

I think you are right in that he should be paying. Also I wouldnt want to put him on the birth cert, I think its not a right but a priviledge when someone has acted how he has and he should have to prove himself by making the effort to see the baby, be a dad and pay his way before he gets on there. Besides he would have to be there with you to register the birth and by the sounds of it, that is not likely to happen.

As for the grandparents. I would back off and wait until baby is born and things have settled down a bit. If they are behaving so childishly at the moment (and unreasonably) just cut off contact and let them get their heads around the situation. Its a hard time for them as they seem to want to be involved but feel they have to back up their son (wrongly or rightly), seems like they seem torn with their loyalties.

xx

 

[Mally01]

I think it's very unfair of them to blackmail you with something that is very important for your welfare at the moment (bills being paid etc). I'm not sure whether it's best to involve them very much at this stage as they seem like they won't budge. I think you should do what is best for your baby. If you strongly feel that his name should not go on the birth certificate, then stick to your guns. Don't let anyone blackmail you into doing it if you really don't want to. Things may get better when baby is born but yes, he should help towards paying for baby, it's not fair.

 

[stephanie20]

yeah i will probably leave them to it for now untill they get in touch with me, i hope the csa can still get something off him even though hes being paid cash in hand, i hate how it seems like hes got away with this when shes as much his responsibility as mine. Really annoys me xx

 

[Mally01]

yeah i will probably leave them to it for now untill they get in touch with me, i hope the csa can still get something off him even though hes being paid cash in hand, i hate how it seems like hes got away with this when shes as much his responsibility as mine. Really annoys me xx

Yep, I know how that feels hun. It's not fair and it's not right but they do it because they can. We don't have that choice at all (we all know what choice we do have but it is a very upsetting one). In the end though we end up with the most amazing gift in life, so most of all your worries will hopefully go away when you have LO in your arms. You will also be too busy looking after LO to care about FOB being a plonker.

 

[stephanie20]

Yep, I know how that feels hun. It's not fair and it's not right but they do it because they can. We don't have that choice at all (we all know what choice we do have but it is a very upsetting one). In the end though we end up with the most amazing gift in life, so most of all your worries will hopefully go away when you have LO in your arms. You will also be too busy looking after LO to care about FOB being a plonker.

I know, he tried to get me to have an abortion at my first scan and then because I said I wasn't going to have one he lied and said his whole family said he wanted me to have one because it'd be easier on both of us. I think he just said that now because he doesn't wanna pay for her for 18 years, hes pathetic. And I know, he'll lose out in the end when his daughter doesn't wanna know him but it does annoy me how easily they can just walk away.

 

[daveww]

i will say again as i have said numerous times on this forum ... if you no the person to be the father he should be on the birth certificate regardless of what you think of him.
a question that has never been answered.... if a father thought a mother should not be on the bc would that be acceptable???
if you choose to have intercorse with someone then both parties are 50% to blame you can't suddenly change your mind now ! .... you want to waste my money and tax payers money so the father has to go to court for parental rights?
a father is a father and will always be stop wastin everyones money with extra court appearences.

 

[stephanie20]

i will say again as i have said numerous times on this forum ... if you no the person to be the father he should be on the birth certificate regardless of what you think of him.
a question that has never been answered.... if a father thought a mother should not be on the bc would that be acceptable???
if you choose to have intercorse with someone then both parties are 50% to blame you can't suddenly change your mind now ! .... you want to waste my money and tax payers money so the father has to go to court for parental rights?
a father is a father and will always be stop wastin everyones money with extra court appearences.

I won't be wasting your money with court appearances, don't worry, if he doesn't want to pay for his child or even see her why should he be on the birth certificate? I do think if the mother wanted nothing to do with her child and didn't wanna pay for them then they shouldn't be on the birth certificate too.

Why would I want to put him on the birth certificate when I know he will just make it more difficult for me because of the rights he will get for doing absolutely nothing? I am the one who will love her, feed her and care for her, he will do nothing, he doesn't deserve the same rights I have.

And yes, I did have sex with him and I regret that alot but people are allowed to make mistakes. My child is not going to pay for mistakes I have made, he isn't making my life or her life harder because it is "right" for him to be on the birth certificate. He needs to work for that right, he isn't going straight on it.

 

[daveww]

i will say again as i have said numerous times on this forum ... if you no the person to be the father he should be on the birth certificate regardless of what you think of him.
a question that has never been answered.... if a father thought a mother should not be on the bc would that be acceptable???
if you choose to have intercorse with someone then both parties are 50% to blame you can't suddenly change your mind now ! .... you want to waste my money and tax payers money so the father has to go to court for parental rights?
a father is a father and will always be stop wastin everyones money with extra court appearences.

I won't be wasting your money with court appearances, don't worry, if he doesn't want to pay for his child or even see her why should he be on the birth certificate? I do think if the mother wanted nothing to do with her child and didn't wanna pay for them then they shouldn't be on the birth certificate too.

Why would I want to put him on the birth certificate when I know he will just make it more difficult for me because of the rights he will get for doing absolutely nothing? I am the one who will love her, feed her and care for her, he will do nothing, he doesn't deserve the same rights I have.

And yes, I did have sex with him and I regret that alot but people are allowed to make mistakes. My child is not going to pay for mistakes I have made, he isn't making my life or her life harder because it is "right" for him to be on the birth certificate. He needs to work for that right, he isn't going straight on it.

thats were you have been mis-informed ... the only thing you will achieve by not putting him on the bc is for him to make a application to the court to get his name on thier as the father... which is a waste of court time which is very precious and also a waste of tax payers money... yes we all make mistakes thats part of life.. and whether you like it or not a mother is a mother and a father is a father from the moment a child is in the womb, thier is no argument for proving yourself , he may be the worst dad in the world or maybe you could be the worst mother in the world but the fact still remains you are the mother and he is the father. so accept that and move forward dont drag it out.

 

[stephanie20]

[/QUOTE]thats were you have been mis-informed ... the only thing you will achieve by not putting him on the bc is for him to make a application to the court to get his name on thier as the father... which is a waste of court time which is very precious and also a waste of tax payers money... yes we all make mistakes thats part of life.. and whether you like it or not a mother is a mother and a father is a father from the moment a child is in the womb, thier is no argument for proving yourself , he may be the worst dad in the world or maybe you could be the worst mother in the world but the fact still remains you are the mother and he is the father. so accept that and move forward dont drag it out.[/QUOTE]

the fact of the matter is he WONT be going to court to get his name on the birth certificate because he doesn't care so this won't be wasting any precious court time at all. the birth certificate isn't just a document, if hes on it he has the same rights as me which means for example he can take my child and i wouldn't be able to get her straight back, i'd have to apply through the courts to get her back. I'm sure that would be more of a waste of time as I can see him doing this just to spite because thats what kind of person he is.

and he is the baby's dad, i'm not gonna deny that but theres a difference between being a DAD and being a FATHER, hes never been there for her, he wanted her dead for christsakes so why would i just give him the same rights as me so he can mess us about like he messed me about?

no ones dragging anything out here, i was trying to get advice about his mother :/

 

[jessrabbit]

i will say again as i have said numerous times on this forum ... if you no the person to be the father he should be on the birth certificate regardless of what you think of him.
a question that has never been answered.... if a father thought a mother should not be on the bc would that be acceptable???
if you choose to have intercorse with someone then both parties are 50% to blame you can't suddenly change your mind now ! .... you want to waste my money and tax payers money so the father has to go to court for parental rights?
a father is a father and will always be stop wastin everyones money with extra court appearences.

Dave you need to remember that not every dad is like you and wants or deserves to be on that birth certificate. Every situation is different for everyone on this forum. I know its a sensitive subject for you and gets your back up.

Some dads do not want or deserve to be involved and putting them on the birth certificate gives them equal parental rights, which some dads abuse when it suits them.

If a dad has tried to make the mother abort the baby, deserted her and let his family try and emotionally blackmail her by not facing up to his responsibities, why should he have a say in anything without proving it through the courts first?

They should have to prove it and the same stands if the situation is reversed.

Think about what you say on here before you say it. We are here to support each other not give each other a hard time

 

[Mally01]

I am not going to enter into another arguing session with Dave but I do feel that as Jess says, he needs to consider the bigger picture on this forum and not answer women's responses with negative comments against their choices and decisions about their babies, we are here to try and support and understand each others problems. It's okay to be supportive and give sound advice but I'm sorry Dave, though your situation is hard, emotional and upsetting for you and I sympathise, I really don't think you can try to equate that fairly with what a woman goes through, abandoned and pregnant (and worse in some situations e.g. homeless). Sorry but that is fact.Other women on here have been very nice and understanding towards you and your situation, maybe you can return the courtesy?

If she does not want to put the father's name on the birth certificate because he is not acting or behaving like a father, then that is her personal choice.

If the majority of absent and neglectful fathers behaved in a noble fashion and were gentlemen in the beginning, surely there would be less need for tax payers money being wasted on court appearances in the first place?.

 

[stephanie20]

Thank you girls

At the end of the day I'm not not putting him on the birth certificate just to wind him up and spite the FOB which I'm sure some women do. I think he'll make my life harder, and abuse his rights and I don't want that happening.

I'm not a nasty person lol

 

[jessrabbit]

Im not a nasty person either, mine isnt going on their until he is paying through CSA, keeping to regular access and agrees to a residency order. Then he can go on. Just think its sensible. Besides being a name on a birth cert doesnt make you a decent dad. He can go on when he proves himself to be worthy of it. Thats just common sense!

 

[stephanie20]

i know, exactly, i don't think i'll get any of that from mine though lol

 

[jessrabbit]

Not sure I will from mine either, only time will tell. Good luck to both of us xx

 

[stephanie20]

yep, good luck xx

 

[Mindy_mini]

i will say again as i have said numerous times on this forum ... if you no the person to be the father he should be on the birth certificate regardless of what you think of him.

I have to agree with this. Regardless of your feelings towards fob, he is still your childs father.

IMO by not putting his name there, you're almost giving him ammunition go support his claims that it's not his baby.

Plus think of your child, they deserve to know who their father is even if he is a waste of space. In refusing to put his name down it may make your child feel like you're hiding information from the on purpose and could back fire in the long run.

As for the ex mil, it's your call if you allow access or not. To be fair to her, it's not her fault your ex was a plank with money. Yes it's her son but if he's old enough to live with you, have sex and have a job, he's old enough to take responsibility for things and chasing her seems rather unfair to me.

 

[daveww]

i will say again as i have said numerous times on this forum ... if you no the person to be the father he should be on the birth certificate regardless of what you think of him.

I have to agree with this. Regardless of your feelings towards fob, he is still your childs father.

IMO by not putting his name there, you're almost giving him ammunition go support his claims that it's not his baby.

Plus think of your child, they deserve to know who their father is even if he is a waste of space. In refusing to put his name down it may make your child feel like you're hiding information from the on purpose and could back fire in the long run.

As for the ex mil, it's your call if you allow access or not. To be fair to her, it's not her fault your ex was a plank with money. Yes it's her son but if he's old enough to live with you, have sex and have a job, he's old enough to take responsibility for things and chasing her seems rather unfair to me.

its nice to no thier is some mature sensible women out there. i agree with you post completely

 

[Mally01]

Oh Grow up Dave (yawn)