don't know what to do about my ex's mum :/

[Laura2919]

Oh Grow up Dave (yawn)

Thats not necessary really. Your saying you dont want to argue then you should be adult and ignore his comment. sometimes asking for an argument isnt going to help you out.

It does get a bit annoying when people keep going oh shall I put him on the birth certificate or not.
You had a child with him or are at least having a child with him. I'm a firm believer in children knowing where they came from and yes regardless of situations! I have seen first hand the effects of lying can have!

FOB, as much as I cannot stand the twat is on their birth certificate because he is their dad! Even with rights fathers are still put at the back. just my opinion but I agree with both Dave and Mindy_mini

 

[Mally01]

I'm sorry Laura but I find that the only 'immature' person on this forum at the moment appears to be Dave. If that upsets you and you feel the need to defend him all the time, fair enough but this statement he made below to us women on here (not just me okay) is unnecessary and yet again rude!

"its nice to no thier is some mature sensible women out there. i agree with you post completely"


He can say what he wants to say on here but why the sniping at people on a personal level and judging them for their choices?. To be frank, reading on here that he has yet again taken a personal swipe at another pregnant woman insenses me and it's not on. He has a thread on here that quite a few of us (including yourself) are being super nice to him and he has so far said rude and upsetting things to me on another thread and he is now having a go at this young lady about her choice to not put her FOB on a birth certificate, even saying she is wasting taxpayers money.

Like I said before, this appeared to be / is a forum for support and understanding others situations as single parents. I'm pretty damn sure if we all decided to make sarky comments after every post he makes about his emotional, private and upsetting situation with his child we would be pulled up on it, so why should he get away with doing it to us? Are our situations less upsetting or important than his then?

 

[daveww]

its really is nice to no thier is some mature sensible women out there. but i suppose this forum covers a wide specturm of women so you will get the odd one who is a trouble maker and likes to play god with a child but i guess thats just life .

 

[Lillybloss]

The Father of my baby turned his back on us when I first found out I was pregnant. He never made contact while I was pregnant and in fact when I tried to get him involved and make contact with him he wrote me a letter stating he didn't want anything to do with me or the baby. So he isn't on my sons biry certificate because a) he wouldn't have come with me b) he doesn't want to be.

There will never b a time when he takes me to court over access because he doesn't want any and I would never change my sins birth certificate and allow him parental responsibility.
I think mums should do what they know is best for their baby

 

[hubble]

This is getting really ridiculous. Mally - I'm with you 100 percent. Dave is certainly entitled to his personal views BUT so are we!! I have been following this forum for quite a while and it has been really good in helping me realise there are others in my situation but I certainly have been completely put off sharing my story on this forum as I know it would invite similar unsupportive comments as to what Stephanie and Mally received. Is this not the exact opposite to the point of this forum? There is certainly something wrong.
Apologies if I have offended anyone.

 

[Laura2919]

Im not sticking up for anything.. I agree with what I believe in... you should of been adult enough to ignore his comment. If you want to cause an argument then what your doing is whats gonna happen. Sometimes one person has to just stop and think do you know what? its not worth it!!

Personally I agree that a father should be on the BC, not for him but for that child... What you choose to do is a different matter, I may think its wrong but your still entitled to do it. So as YOUR allowed YOUR opinion I am allowed MINE!

I have no say what you do with your child but if someone is asking a question its gonna get answered and not everyone has the same view. It all needs to be respected..

Plus, you should have just ignored his comment, if he was looking for a reaction he sure got one.

 

[kelzyboo]

Not putting a name on a birth certificate doesn't equal lying! It doesn't mean mothers aren't going to be honest and open about paternity, its just that there are that few that do not deserve to be on there, because they neither deserve or want the rights that brings.

In an ideal world there would be no need for any of this, we would share responsibility for our children equally and so an equal share of the upbringing but reality isn't like that at all. My DD's father isn't on her birth certificate because he was in prison at the time she was registered, which i believe wasn't my choice, then made zero effort to see here after so the discussion of being added never happened but i would have expected him to prove his commitment to her and pay his way before i'd have ever considered it. I don't believe he should have the same rights i do, if he isn't doing the same job i do, if he isn't raising her and paying for her, sharing the responsibility then why should he share the rights?

Yes he's her dad, and i'll never be dishonest to her about that ever but he doesn't deserve to have rights to a child that he effectively abandoned and has made no effort to connect with, if i had abandoned her i'd have one hell of a fight on my hands to get back those rights i gave away, it shouldn't be any different for fathers who abandon their children!

Then there are the fathers who are great and want to share responsibility and take care of their children and yes there are nasty women out there who will block them all the way and thats wrong too i just think the spectrum is way to broad to ever say that 'all fathers' deserve rights, no matter how they treat their children. I think rights need to be earned, i know mothers have automatic rights but that doesn't mean we don't spend all day every day earning those rights.

I do feel quite strongly about that, it should be on a case to case basis not just giving everyone the same! I know my DD would be a million time worse off with her father in her life, but he'd never get any access no matter how he tried now (and he wouldn't try) and i'm very glad about that, for my childs sake. It used to keep me awake at night, it hurt me deeply, for her, that he wasn't interested, only now i realise that it was for the best. And in some cases it is. It needs to be taken into account that all cases are different and while hopefully the majority are good fathers, there are some who are not. x

 

[jessrabbit]

I dont come on here at the weekends but am quite shocked to see what a mess this thread has turned into since friday.

I thought this was somewhere I could come and be honest about my situation and get constructive advice. Everyones situation is different and constructive advice is always welcome. What is right for one person is not necessarily right for another.

I'm not even going to bother to put my point across in regards to the conversation above.

But I am really saddened to feel like I can't be bothered to come to this section anymore. I didnt come here to be judged or abused by people, I came here for support and not to get caught up in petty, immature slanging matches.

 

[MummyJade]

My daughters Dad is on her Birth Certificate, even has his last name.

I agree being on the birth certificate doesn't make a person a dad or a mum, but i think every child if given the chance has a right to have both names on it..

FOB doesn't bother with our daughter much, he picks and chooses.. Do i regret it? No, he is her dad and imo she didn't/doesn't deserve a blank space on her Birth Certificate (no matter how good or bad of a dad he is).. He had Parental Responsibility of our daughter just like me, but that means nothing to him..

Maizie is known as my surname now as he isn't about much and none of his family bother with her i didn't want her feeling not wanted (if that makes sense), but once she is old enough she can decide if she would like to change her name to mine or keep her surname (his)...

I know in some cases it isn't that simple to put the dad on, like him not around/not wanting anything to do with the baby..

But i do think some peoples judgements on if they should have the dad on the birth certificate are clouded by their feelings and anger rather then whats best to child...

x

 

[daveww]

My daughters Dad is on her Birth Certificate, even has his last name.

I agree being on the birth certificate doesn't make a person a dad or a mum, but i think every child if given the chance has a right to have both names on it..

FOB doesn't bother with our daughter much, he picks and chooses.. Do i regret it? No, he is her dad and imo she didn't/doesn't deserve a blank space on her Birth Certificate (no matter how good or bad of a dad he is).. He had Parental Responsibility of our daughter just like me, but that means nothing to him..

Maizie is known as my surname now as he isn't about much and none of his family bother with her i didn't want her feeling not wanted (if that makes sense), but once she is old enough she can decide if she would like to change her name to mine or keep her surname (his)...

I know in some cases it isn't that simple to put the dad on, like him not around/not wanting anything to do with the baby..

But i do think some peoples judgements on if they should have the dad on the birth certificate are clouded by their feelings and anger rather then whats best to child...

x

i agree with you totally

 

[teal]

I would like to say that FOB is not on my son's birth certificate but it's not through choice. Where I live if you're not married both parents have to be there when registering the birth. Since FOB cut all contact after I refused a termination I registered the birth alone (in tears) and the father's details were left blank. So it's not always as simple as 'you know who the father is so he should be on the birth certificate.'

To the OP I'm so sorry to hear that you're having trouble with your ex and his mother. They don't deserve all the nice things if they can't help with the responsibilities (eg finance)

xx

 

[chichestermum]

I haven't read all of the posts as it seems to of got a bit heated in places.
I think that if he hasn't been there and proven himself to be supportive and you dont feel right putting him on the birth certificate then don't, he had a choice to be a dad and he seems to have not bothered. Tell both him and his parents that its only for the time being him not being on the birth cert and that if he starts being a good dad when baby is here that you can both pay half the amount of the fee to add his name. but make there be a length of time he has to be a good dad for so that he cant just be involved for a month to get what he wants, say like a year of being a good dad and then he can add it if he still wants to.

My mum put my dads name on my birth cert even tho they were split up, he didnt bother with me for 5 years and then he decided he wanted he suddenly wanted access to me because he wanted to have kids with his newest love interest and she wouldnt until he showed he could be a dad. i didnt have a clue who this random man was and as he was on the cert he had rights to see me and bullied my mum into letting me go with him on days out etc which i hated. My mum went to a solicitors ended up having his name taken off the birth certificate and he gave up his parental rights.
So i fully support women who dont wish to put the fathers name on birth certificates because my experience of having them on there when they are not acting like a father isnt the best.
Its up to you what you do. xx

 

[dustbunny]

Some places in this thread seem to burn quite brightly so I'll try and say my own view without pissing people off.

Yes, it does take two to tango and both of you consented to the tango... but then if he has backed out of his responsibilities towards being a dad in every which way it should not automatically be assumed his name is going on the birth certificate. Having sex, getting off and leaving doesn't make you a father... it makes you a shitty man.

By not putting his name on the birth certificate it is not denying the child a right to know who there dad is and the mother can always add the fathers name at a later date or the father can go to the court to be added on... it is not wasting the courts time if it means so much to the father. If he wanted to be on the certificate and be a part of the childs life then he would bend over backwards, either through a genuine loving relationship where no question would be asked or through growing a pair of balls and manning up to the situation.

It is not his parents responsibility to bail him, it is his own. Until he is ready to accept what is going on then go it alone. It is not game playing because a game implies at least 2 people are seated at the table, when one has fucked off then fuck it. And no... the child does not have to have his surname either.

I do think, however, to the men on this forum... it is unfair to not put the fathers name on the certificate if they actively... both financially and emotionally... as both have to be covered [same for the mother] then they should be named....

And the guys on this forum can not deny that some men are pathetic low life scum who think and act with their dicks without little thought for the aftermath.... just as some women are shit too.

The point of a forum is to debate.... not make direct attacks on users. Everyone's opinion matters and everyone deserves a voice.

 

[Kacie]

Three points that I'd consider in this case.

1. To be put on the birth ceritficate you both have to go and register the birth together (unless you're married, which I assume you're not). Which means you need to be capable of being in the same room together. Again I don't know if you are or not but it is a factor to consider before the time arises.

2. The mother should certainly NOT be using this to blackmail you in anyway shape or form and withholding money until it happens. That is just starting completely on the wrong foot if they want a good relationship with you and their grandchild. And tbh, you could just agree with everything she says now and then still go and register alone (not saying you should do this, just pointing out how pointless her argument is right now).

3. (the sensitive issue) . Whilst I agree wholeheartedly that a child should know where they come from and not have a blank spot on their birth certificate, there is one piece of legislation in the UK 'joint parental responsiblity' that terrifies me and would make me think twice in certain circumstances...

My FOB is on the BC (DD even has his surname) but, because of this.. If he decided after a visit that he just didn't want to give DD back to me, he doesn't have to... the police have no right to intercept and I would have to apply for a court order to get her back taking a minimum of 3 working days... as an exclusively breastfeeding mother of (at the time) a very young baby, with a very nasty and controlling FOB, this thought/threat from him, kept me awake more nights than you can imagine!

Again I'm not saying it's right or wrong or will happen to anyone in particular and, yes, it's easy for the FOB to just go to court and have their name put on anyway (but in this instance you can apply for a custody order) but I think it is good to understand exactly what it means to have joint parental responsibility. In the UK it really isn't just about putting the name on the BC to give an 'identity'.. there is a whole lot that goes with it and I think that is what scares mums away from doing it.. especially if their FOB's have made threats in the past.. and vise versa for when the situation is reversed. I guess, as with anything.. joint responsibility only really works if both parents are reasonable.

Again please don't get upset by this.. trying to be objective as possible but each case is different and it's hard to give advice without bringing your own heartache and personal expereince into it sometimes.

Hope it works out ok for you in the end,

xxx

 

[Kacie]

Oh and with regards to CSA, if you want to pursue it then do it anyway.. He'd have to provide evidence of income or evidence of who is supporting him if no income... if on benefits then I think they usually give at least £5 a week.. or worst they can do is say no and likelihood is it will just highlight his cash in hand job if not xxxx

 

[dustbunny]

Oh and with regards to CSA, if you want to pursue it then do it anyway.. He'd have to provide evidence of income or evidence of who is supporting him if no income... if on benefits then I think they usually give at least £5 a week.. or worst they can do is say no and likelihood is it will just highlight his cash in hand job if not xxxx

£5 is a fucking joke!!! I'm sorry but I am in the same boat RE father not getting of his lazy ass and I think it is unfair that both parents should have equal rights when the mother is working her ass of [2 jobs in my case] and supporting the majority of the costs etc and the father is doing fuck all.

Sorry for the hijack but it just pisses me off.

 

[InVivoVeritas]

My daughters' dad is on their birth cert and they have his last name. Fortunately for all of us, they were born before that gave him automatic full parental responsibility.

He gets regular access, but it's fully supervised and he doesn't get overnight visits. He's done things that have shown that he isn't to be trusted with my girls, and although he wants parental responsibility (and has put a huge amount of pressure on me to grant it to him) he hasn't gone to the courts because he knows that with his history no judge will give it to him.

The bottom line is that we're guardians of our children's right and welfare before anything else. If giving parental responsibility to somebody who will abuse it will be disturbing, distressing or dangerous for them then it's our job to stand firm.

This isn't a game of tit for tat. We're the adults in the situation and we're making these decisions for adult reasons.

 

[Kacie]

Oh and with regards to CSA, if you want to pursue it then do it anyway.. He'd have to provide evidence of income or evidence of who is supporting him if no income... if on benefits then I think they usually give at least £5 a week.. or worst they can do is say no and likelihood is it will just highlight his cash in hand job if not xxxx

£5 is a fucking joke!!! I'm sorry but I am in the same boat RE father not getting of his lazy ass and I think it is unfair that both parents should have equal rights when the mother is working her ass of [2 jobs in my case] and supporting the majority of the costs etc and the father is doing fuck all.

Sorry for the hijack but it just pisses me off.

Oh I agree it's pathetic but it adds up to £260 a year which could go into savings (if u can afford it) and is better than nothing.. TBh if a FOB doesn't want to pay then they will try anything not too and likelihood is, you'll get very little. But i agree, they shouldn't expect equal rights in this case.

xx

 

[kelzyboo]

Kacie i agree with you completely, that scared me too since FOB told me if i ever left him alone with her he'd take her and i'd never see her again (he wasn't on BC) needless to say i never left him alone with her!! I think if the person is unreasonable then its unreasonable to expect any mother, who wants to protect her child, to give in to parental responsibility request, go to court and earn it!! I'd ask for a custody order aswell, its too scary to think they don't have to bring our babies back!

I should be getting £2.60 per week from FOB pmsl, he doesn't pay it, he never wanted to and i don't want it. Won't even feed her for a day, he can shove it!! Plus, i happen to know for a fact that he is working (and claiming benefit) and can pay way more than that, if he chooses not to thats down to him, my child will remember i went without so she could have everything she wanted, and she'll remember he did nothing. If thats what he wants, i can live with that. x

 

[PumpkinPatchx]

Didn't wanna read & run, was in a similar situation with "my monster in law" after loads of crap during pregnancy I stupidly let them have the chance for access to see my Daughter... then only to drop her after a month and now doesn't acknowledge her in the street if she walks past. I'm not saying your FOB mum will do the same but be very careful as I wouldn't wish that on nobody it broke my heart & I'm still angry with myself.. xx