Don't want FOB at the birth

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Second Trimester' started by Batman909, Oct 15, 2013.

  1. Batman909

    Batman909 Well-Known Member

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    This is stressing me out majorly. We are no longer together. Getting my head around having another baby has been and still is hard. He's not a bad guy or anything but he makes me feel very uncomfortable and the thought of him being around me when I'm in labour to be honest makes me feel ill. Is it wrong of me to say I don't want him there? I'm fine with him coming afterwards. I would just feel better if he wasn't present at the birth. I don't know how to tell him.
     
  2. xZoeyx

    xZoeyx Well-Known Member

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    If you have officially seperated then he has no choice and personally if I was in your shoes and had seperated from him I would be like "wtf" if he asked to be there cos normally they are only there for support to their partner.

    As long as he can see his baby after then he shouldn't feel the need to be there whilst your in labour. Just my opinion though!
     
  3. MissRhead

    MissRhead Well-Known Member

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    I agree usually it's just to support you and your not together now so that isn't his role, if he's really adamant about it maybe you could say he could wait at the hospital but not in the room so then he still gets to see baby right away? I couldn't imagine having FOB in with me either, it's such a private thing and I'm not close to him now so I'd be very uncomfortable with it if he was involved and wanted to be their x
     
  4. ssjad

    ssjad Well-Known Member

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    I didn't have my ex there. The day is about you.anything that makes it easier for you is a good thing.
     
  5. candyem

    candyem Well-Known Member

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    I would just explain that you will choose someone to support you through labour but he can be the first visitor to see his baby. I don't think he would feel too comfortable either, so he might even be relieved?
     
  6. Batman909

    Batman909 Well-Known Member

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    He's already told me he is gunna be there. Like he's just assumed he would be. It's also more awkward because I left him so he's kinda playing the wounded puppy act. And it's his first. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way though. I feel mean but at the end of the day I'm the one giving birth and I need to feel comfortable.
     
  7. lov3hat3

    lov3hat3 Mummy to lil J, Preggo #2

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    FOB wasn't at the birth, I didn't want him there. He makes me feel kind uncomfortable and awkward and stresses me out a lot so I didn't want that around me when I was in labour. It would have made it worse for me. I didn't tell FOB cos we didn't talk much during the pregnancy but I text him after I had Jamie and he came to see him. :flower:
     
  8. sun

    sun Mum of 3

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    I wouldn't want my ex at the birth of the baby at all. I barely tolerate OH there LOL :haha: I prefer to labour alone and call if I need someone. You are having the baby and it's not his right to be present at the birth. I would tell my ex that he could come in and see the baby after once I have had some skin-on-skin/BF etc.
     
  9. wishuwerehere

    wishuwerehere dh, me and 2dds

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    I didn't have my ex there when my daughter was born. He wanted to be but really he wasn't comfortable sitting in the same room as me when i was breastfeeding so how he'd cope with labour i just don't know. Honestly it may seem a bit cowardly but i just didn't tell him till after she was born.
     
  10. JessPape

    JessPape Myself, Husband, DD

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    If ur not together, don't have him there. Its a private time, and even though he is the father. I wouldn't want some man i'm not with there. (even if he was the father). Have him wait in the waiting room. Or contact him afterwards. This is 100% ur choice and not his.

    Besides hows he gonna now when ur in labor? the hospital isn't going to call and say 'hey your babies being born". So as long as you keep it private, off social network sites, and don't tell anyone that will tell him. He will have no idea when u go in labor.
     
  11. NKL120309

    NKL120309 Well-Known Member

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    Be straight forward -- This is your body and you're baby coming into the world. He shouldn't be surprised either ...

    FOB wasn't there when I had my son, didn't even care to ask me when it was going to happen (induction).. I texted him after and told him when he was born and he never came to see me or LO in the hospital. Needless to say he will not be here for our 2nd and that is perfectly find w/ me.
     
  12. Foogirl

    Foogirl Baby Abby 11 weeks early

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    An ex, is an ex for a reason. I'd not want an ex in the room and he will have absolutely no choice but to be outside until you say he can come in.

    I wouldn't think twice about saying no.
     
  13. randomrach

    randomrach Well-Known Member

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    He may feel like he's missing out not being there for the birth of his child but I agree it should be your choice whether he's there during labour. Seems like you're on fairly good terms though so I'd likely let him be at the hospital and he can see baby whenever you feel comfortable- probably after stitching (if needed) and a quick shower. Maybe he just assumed you'd want him to be there? Hence the 'I know we're not together but I'll be with you during labour' doesn't realise you may not want him there? :haha:
     
  14. familyof42014

    familyof42014 Member

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    I would just tell him he can be in the waiting room or what not and try and make a plan with your dr/midwife to make sure he can see baby ASAP. The fact he wants to be there for baby is amazing and if he is not a danger to you or the baby I would let him have access to seeing baby as soon as possible. If you really don't want him there that close to birth then just call him after baby is born but I personally feel if you guys are on decent terms and he is not a danger or bad influence to baby then he should have a right to see baby as soon as possible. But I also wouldn't want someone I am not a partner with in the delivery room. Last time I barely wanted DH there....
     
  15. Batman909

    Batman909 Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for you replies ladies. He lives an hour and a half away. I was thinking I could have someone call him when it's nearly over that way by the time he arrives it would be finished. It's my third baby so the "it just happened to fast" excuse seems like a goodie.
     
  16. 44npregnant

    44npregnant Well-Known Member

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    My FOB wouldn't want to be there but even if he did, it would just be too weird for me since we aren't together. Do what makes you most comfortable! :hugs:
     
  17. Batman909

    Batman909 Well-Known Member

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    I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels weird about it
     
  18. brandonsgirl

    brandonsgirl Lucky mummy of 2 <3

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    Sorry ladies but i have a different opinion. I don't know the full history between you two, but it seems to me like your not on bad terms and seem civil. It doesn't sound like he is a threat to you or the baby either. If he was or you weren't on good terms at all etc then i would completely agree that he probably shouldn't be in the room etc. But with you both being civil, i think its slightly unfair to restrict him from seeing his baby being born into the world. Especially since you mentioned this was his first child.

    I have been in labour before, and know how stressful and hard it can be. I also wouldn't want someone i didn't get along with or didn't feel comfortable with in the room. So i do understand your side, i honestly do. However, if i was in your situation i would propose a compromise. I would suggest that he stays outside in the waiting room or close to the delivery room whilst your going through the phases. Then when its time to push (as long as everything goes to plan with the delivery) then the mw could call him in and he could stand at an appropriate place to witness his child entering the world.

    I know this might not be what you want, and of course when it comes down to it - what you want is what will go. BUT having said that, my dad missed the birth of his second child because of traffic and he was too far away and he was completely gutted. Maybe just think of it from his perspective for a moment. Plus you don't want your LO to ask you 10 years down the line why their daddy couldn't be at the birth when you were on good terms etc.

    Please don't take any of this post the wrong way btw, just some advice from the other side of the spectrum. Like i said, i don't know either of you or your situation. But you could always ask him to step outside after baby is born so you can be cleaned up and so can baby. He can go and tell his family that baby is born etc, and then come back in after you have had time to feed baby and bond a little. I'm not suggesting he be there 24/7.
     
  19. jenniferttc1

    jenniferttc1 mommy of 1 baking #2

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    I have to disagree also. If things are civil and on pretty good terms I see no reason for him to miss the birth of hos first child. I'm all for equal rights though, I couod not imagine having the weight on my shoulders of being the reason he missed the most incredible miracle happening. I get it if he is mean, abusive, or cheated, but sounds like separate ways just happened and no harm. A womans body does the work, but its a special day for both parents. You have gotten to experience the magic of birth and its hos first time. I think a lot of fathers look forward to seeing their bany be born and cut the cord. How about he just comes in when its time to push and not during actual labor?
     
  20. ssjad

    ssjad Well-Known Member

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    I certainly wouldn't want an ex to see me pooing, vagina almost inside out etc.
     

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