Tonight I found out my sister is having another baby (#3) and I was devastated. I didnt talk to husband about it, not even my mom I just came home and prayed and this is what I came up with. I thought I would share because trying to conceive is probably one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in my life. I am starting to feel defeated and Satan is robbing me of this amazing experience. I should be rejoicing in the fact that God has brought me to a point in my life where I am financially responsible and more than capable of raising a baby. I am married to the love of my life and we are both so excited for a new blessing. As I was praying tonight one thing that really helped me was being honest with God.I typed out a whole long letter to him. I told him how angry I was, how unfair it was, I pleaded my case to him like he was a juror. What I slowly started to notice that I was having a conversation with him. He was turning my prayer to him into a conversation right before my eyes. Here I am at my most vulnerable... I posted my prayer below. Bare with me, I know there are some things you wont understand but I hope that I can help someone. God opened my eyes tonight. My favorite line of any song is My Savior my God by Aaron Shust: I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed what God has planned, I only know at his right hand, stands one who is my savior :] Lord, tonight I need a friend. I keep thinking I wish I had someone to talk to, someone to vent to and I never think to actually just talk and vent to you so here I am. I am sorry for everything Ive done wrong today, and Im sorry if anything I am about to say comes out wrong. I want to do this the right way, but my mind wont let me. I need you to help me through this. When I heard Candie was pregnant my heart dropped. I still cant believe its true. Im heartbroken, Im upset, I feel betrayed and hurt and angry and like its not fair. I try so hard to do everything right and still I havent gotten pregnant. I plan, and think ahead and save and do the responsible things and Im not pregnant. I dont want to complain to any one else because I do trust in you and I dont want anyone to think differently, I trust in you. It is just hard to be in the situation Im in. I dont want to be happy for her. I dont feel like she deserves all of this. BUT if there is one thing that Ive been learning its that some good things happen to bad people and some bad things happen to good people. NOT that she is a bad person or that Im a good person, but you get my jist. I am heartbroken every time I get a negative. I try every day to have faith and remember to let go and let God. Normally I am a lot stronger, but tonight I dont even want to try to be strong. Thank you for being here for me Lord. I know that you are here with me through everything. I know that you made me to feel this way, Im not perfect but the good part is that you are here to make me feel better. You dont want to see me cry, you want me to be happy and rejoice. I am thankful for a lot that I have going on in my life. I am so thankful. Without all of these things it wouldnt be possible for me to think about having a baby. Now, when I do get pregnant I will have a home and a job and savings and a way to provide and have a good life. I know that no matter what you have something great in store for me. I have to trust in you and know that everything will happen in your timing. You know everything and if I can just hold on and wait it out I will be so happy with the results. I keep saying that I want to be more like Job, more like Chase, but I cant be more like them without adversity. I will prevail. I will get through this and I will get through it WITH my Jesus. I will get through this with my savior and in the end I will praise him not only for answering my prayers (however that may come) but for helping me through the whole process. I will praise my God for bringing me through it. I will praise my God for being there with me when I cried. I will praise God for being there when I didnt know who to turn to. I will praise God for the miracles in my life and for everything that he will give me. Sometimes we ask God for one thing, and he wants to bless us with more than just that one thing so we have to wait through all the other blessings to get to the blessing we asked for. You want a baby? God, you say let me get you a house, and a new car, and a great job, and a little bit of savings THEN I will give you a baby. I know that every day I am more and more blessed. I see that just in the process of buying this house! I see you Jesus. I see you all around me. I am sorry that sometimes I get upset. I am sorry that my faith does not always show. I am sorry that I dont always give it all to you. Tonight, I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders as I TRULY give it all to you. I will continue to try, and I may be faced with disappointment but I will continue to preserve. I will praise you in this storm!