Faith & TTC

[Mallie]

Tonight I found out my sister is having another baby (#3) and I was devastated. I didnt talk to husband about it, not even my mom I just came home and prayed and this is what I came up with. I thought I would share because trying to conceive is probably one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in my life. I am starting to feel defeated and Satan is robbing me of this amazing experience. I should be rejoicing in the fact that God has brought me to a point in my life where I am financially responsible and more than capable of raising a baby. I am married to the love of my life and we are both so excited for a new blessing.

As I was praying tonight one thing that really helped me was being honest with God.I typed out a whole long letter to him. I told him how angry I was, how unfair it was, I pleaded my case to him like he was a juror. What I slowly started to notice that I was having a conversation with him. He was turning my prayer to him into a conversation right before my eyes. Here I am at my most vulnerable... I posted my prayer below. Bare with me, I know there are some things you wont understand but I hope that I can help someone. God opened my eyes tonight.

My favorite line of any song is My Savior my God by Aaron Shust: I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed what God has planned, I only know at his right hand, stands one who is my savior :]

Lord, tonight I need a friend. I keep thinking I wish I had someone to talk to, someone to vent to and I never think to actually just talk and vent to you so here I am. I am sorry for everything I’ve done wrong today, and I’m sorry if anything I am about to say comes out wrong. I want to do this the right way, but my mind won’t let me. I need you to help me through this. When I heard Candie was pregnant my heart dropped. I still cant believe its true. I’m heartbroken, I’m upset, I feel betrayed and hurt and angry and like its not fair. I try so hard to do everything right and still I haven’t gotten pregnant. I plan, and think ahead and save and do the responsible things and Im not pregnant. I don’t want to complain to any one else because I do trust in you and I don’t want anyone to think differently, I trust in you. It is just hard to be in the situation I’m in. I don’t want to be happy for her. I don’t feel like she deserves all of this. BUT if there is one thing that I’ve been learning its that some good things happen to bad people and some bad things happen to good people. NOT that she is a bad person or that Im a good person, but you get my jist. I am heartbroken every time I get a negative. I try every day to have faith and remember to let go and let God. Normally I am a lot stronger, but tonight I don’t even want to try to be strong. Thank you for being here for me Lord. I know that you are here with me through everything. I know that you made me to feel this way, Im not perfect but the good part is that you are here to make me feel better. You don’t want to see me cry, you want me to be happy and rejoice. I am thankful for a lot that I have going on in my life. I am so thankful. Without all of these things it wouldn’t be possible for me to think about having a baby. Now, when I do get pregnant I will have a home and a job and savings and a way to provide and have a good life. I know that no matter what you have something great in store for me. I have to trust in you and know that everything will happen in your timing. You know everything and if I can just hold on and wait it out I will be so happy with the results. I keep saying that I want to be more like Job, more like Chase, but I cant be more like them without adversity. I will prevail. I will get through this and I will get through it WITH my Jesus. I will get through this with my savior and in the end I will praise him not only for answering my prayers (however that may come) but for helping me through the whole process. I will praise my God for bringing me through it. I will praise my God for being there with me when I cried. I will praise God for being there when I didn’t know who to turn to. I will praise God for the miracles in my life and for everything that he will give me. Sometimes we ask God for one thing, and he wants to bless us with more than just that one thing so we have to wait through all the other blessings to get to the blessing we asked for. You want a baby? God, you say let me get you a house, and a new car, and a great job, and a little bit of savings THEN I will give you a baby. I know that every day I am more and more blessed. I see that just in the process of buying this house! I see you Jesus. I see you all around me. I am sorry that sometimes I get upset. I am sorry that my faith does not always show. I am sorry that I don’t always give it all to you. Tonight, I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders as I TRULY give it all to you. I will continue to try, and I may be faced with disappointment but I will continue to preserve. I will praise you in this storm!

 

[rjm09]

Trying to conceive ourselves the past couple months, and we found out that my brother and his gf of 10 years are pregnant. Now I love my brother very much and wish them all the happiness in the world! in fact, he lives across the country from us, and recently visited each other this past Feb. Well, they found out that sometime during the trips, they ended up pregnant and she is now about 3 months along. I can't help but think of how his interactions with my son, his nephew, sparked his desire to be a dad. He's NEVER been like this before! With ANYONES kids!!

I do feel that littlebit of envy, and felt the heartbreak every negative test last month, and cried when I got my AF.

We were really hoping for our next to be born in Jan, as DH and our son are both in July, I hoped to share a birth month with our next.

I know the lord does things for a reason, and only he'll know when we're meant to have our next.

Your letter was touching. I didn't think anyone else besides us prayed or even believed anymore.

There will be many here including myself that will be here to support you if you need it! We will be there with you until you find yourself on the journey of motherhood.

Best of luck, and prayers out to you for your much deserved bfp! You sound like you're off to a great start in life and are definitely ready for a lo!!

 

[Glowbug]

Thanks for sharing 

 

[angel11]

Hey Mallie

Thank you so much for sharing this. This really touched my heart. God has done so much in my life the past few years and with a busy work schedule, you tend to loose site of that. And whilst researching on the internet all the different remedies for fertility and vitamins etc, you loose site of the one thing that is most important in this journey, your faith....

I pray that God will open doors for you and will bless you with a BFP soon.

 

[jamhs]

Thanks for sharing. I know God does hear us and answer our prayers. Sometimes it is yes straight away, sometimes no, sometimes wait- trust in Me and My time and it will work out for your good- and that one, waiting, is the hardest. Putting our trust in Him and accepting His will in all things in when our faith is truly tested and when we grow the most. Remember the Lord remembered Rachel and Sarah, and He will remember you too, and for all that Job lost he received again, and more. Stay strong and I hope and pray you will be blessed with your hearts greatest desire to become a mother.

 

[scerena]

Thanks for sharing i read it with tears in my eyes- I feel exactly the Same I've been ttc for a couple of years now and my sister was pregnant like every year (she has 4 kids) and my other brothers and sisters have a minimum of 2-4 kids each it breaks my heart as I would love to be blessed with even one child. Our time will hopefully come soon x

 

[Jessi]

Thanks for posting, it was very brave of you and very inspiring. As Angel11 said it's easy to lose sight of the most important thing on this TTC journey and it's so easy to become angry at God when every month you get while others 'accidentally' or 'immediately but on purpose' fall pg around you, thanks for reminding me that He's in control and His will is perfect for my life. I think I might go off and write my own prayer letter now xx

 

[Mallie]

Thanks for all of your comments ladies! I wait until the evening to read them because evenings are the hardest for me. I am all about being positive this month! I close on my new house tomorrow and I'm looking into getting a new car this month, so with all the great things going on in my life this would be a great cherry on top, but if not I trust in my amazing God. He is so good! Please keep me up to date on all of your TTC journeys, I love hearing how things are going. I am currently on CD8 and I will be ovulating in the next week so let the BD start!

Where is everyone else on their month? Lets keep each other uplifted and positive!

 

[amanda77]

Mallie,

What a beautiful, inspiring letter! God is so good to us! He does want us to be happy and rejoice and He wants to bless us more than we can ever imagine! We just have to wait on Him! It is so hard though! I do believe that He gives us trials and periods of waiting to teach us to be more like Him and to help us grow in our faith. I try so hard everyday to turn EVERYTHING over to Him - only to find myself worry 5 minutes later. I pray often that He will give me strength and help me to grow my faith and trust. Just think.....He had our entire lives mapped out according to His will before we were even conceived! All we can do is pray to Him, praise Him and trust Him - He knows what is best for us all!

Baby dust to everyone!! I am 7DPO today............let's do keep one another posted!

 

[londongirl]

Hi
thanks for sharing your story - it's so true that, when we need Him the most, it's so easy to forget that God has a plan for each and every one of us. He is waiting to 'hear' from us - so I'm so glad you turned to Him at your time of most need. You've inspired me and refocused me on Him by your letter, so He is already working through you! Thank you!
I'm CD 5 and will now be avidly praying that God has His hand on my situation - and all of your situations to the others who have replied on this post
xx

 

[Aliciatm]

after 5 years i broke down the other day realizing that i wasnt being honest with God how i was praising him and his holiness but then being mad confused and upset with him.. here is my prayer hope you dont mind me positing it.




Dear God,
I feel you near and I know I haven't said thank you enough but really thank you. You have given me a wonderful soul mate and a house to live in, food to eat, nice clothing to wear, wonderful friends, and a wonderful singing gift. You have given me precious moments I will never forget. Lord I feel so uncompleted what im longing for only you can give me. I feel so selfish but I just don't see why, why not me? Why can't you just bless me. I see so many blessings and I cant help but ask why cant that be me. Why am I the one without the family. I look to you for answers but all I hear is silence. I just want to know I am good enough for that. I still believe. I believe one day you will Bless me. I will be the mother I am longing to be. I will hold my child in my arms and look up to the sky and praise your name. I will feel the love one day. Til then I praise you for the things I do have and look forward to the things I may one day have.
Amen

 

[bluebumble]

god bless you.

 

[Jessi]

Thanks for all of your comments ladies! I wait until the evening to read them because evenings are the hardest for me. I am all about being positive this month! I close on my new house tomorrow and I'm looking into getting a new car this month, so with all the great things going on in my life this would be a great cherry on top, but if not I trust in my amazing God. He is so good! Please keep me up to date on all of your TTC journeys, I love hearing how things are going. I am currently on CD8 and I will be ovulating in the next week so let the BD start!

Where is everyone else on their month? Lets keep each other uplifted and positive!

Hi Mallie and all you other wonderful ladies, I'm on CD4 today of my first Clomid cycle. It's wonderful to have a post to keep each other uplifted and positive. I really need help to stay positive and uplifted.

Today I went to a womens conference where the message was 'being a messenger' and bringing hope to the nations. I was utterly convicted that I've lost sight of the assignment God first gave me and become SO focused on my TTC journey. They did a prayer call for anyone who feels they've had a problem take over from their walk with God and all the things He's asked them to do, I went up - only thing was this lady who I didnt (I have nothing actually against her, just wanted someone more understanding perhaps, she's very elderly) want to pray for me prayed with me. Every time I go up for prayer I get this same woman and she always asks me the same thing - would I like to give my life now? I tell her each time - I DID that, I'm baptised etc etc 9 years ago but I dont want to blurt out 'I'm scared I'll never have kids and I'm SO angry that my body isn't working the way it SHOULD' to her. I suppose I feel she'll judge me. I could tell someone else in the prayer line, they were all younger and 'motherly' smiley ppl. But once she prayed I just felt even more angry that I keep getting this woman every time (well I've only been brave enough to go up twice - it's a new church for us though I do actually speak to this woman quite a bit) I go up for prayer who I CANT say what I'm struggling with to. I ended up leaving early as I didn't want to burst into tears in front of everyone AFTER having prayer. I'll try again tomorrow - the conference is continuing. It's so hard to HEAR what God is saying in the SILENCE (and I know He's speaking even through the silence) sorry for the ramble, just relieved there are other believers who can understand how TTC impacts on faith xxx

 

[MrsStutler]

Thank you for your post. You inspired me to do the same, and it really helped me.

 

[Mallie]

Good evening everyone! I just want to let you all know that I have read all of your posts back, I have been on my hubbys laptop which is kind of old and I keep forgetting to bring mine home from work so I’m sorry I haven’t responded appropriately to all of you! First I just want to say that it means so much to me that you all have been touched by my story and my prayer. I now feel like my infertility has a purpose. If I can help others then I can handle not being able to get pregnant right away. It’s been hard, and every day is a struggle. Today was especially difficult for me, but tomorrow I’m hoping to have a better day. The stories you all have posted have been inspirational to me. I KNOW we will all get through this, and I hope to be with you all when you get your BFP’s! We are strong woman, and we are woman of God! We will not allow Satan to be a part of this experience.

Angel11: I completely agree with your statement about getting lost in the TTC process. While googling all the different methods and how to and what to and blablabla you lose not only your relationship with God but yourself! I have put myself on restriction from the internet. I ONLY come on babyandbump and I don’t google anymore. It’s amazing everything I have learned about my body in the last month or so.

Jamhs: I just have to tell you that you opened my eyes YET AGAIN! I have been reading Job and I’ve been caught up in his pain and suffering and how I want to be more like Job because I want to be able to endure that pain and suffering and still be a light for Jesus. BUT you said something amazing… Job got it all back AND THEN SOME! I do have a lot to look forward to!

Scerena: Please keep us updated on your first round of clomid! I would love to hear about your experience with it as well as your bodies reaction, etc.

Amanda77: so you must be around 8/9DPO now so let us know when you will be testing! I want to rejoice with you if it’s a BFP and I would love to be here to lift you up if it’s a BFN. Let’s get through this together!!

Aliciatm: Thanks for your letter! I loved reading it! It is such an intimate thing, talking with our maker. Your honesty in your letter was inspiring! I think God is glad that we are honest with him. I like to just have an honest conversation with him when I start to feel angry. I think he would rather us be honest with our feelings than try to hide them. If we are honest with him he can show us what he is doing and why! Keep us posted on your TTC journey!

Jessi: I COMPLETELY understand what you are saying about someone praying for you. I have been in that same position. I have tried not to judge that person or think poorly of them, I just don’t feel that prayer connection with them and would rather have someone else pray with me. Thanks for sharing the message you heard today! I am going to go back through and reread it later this evening during my prayer/bible study time. We are thinking of you and praying for you. I really recommend writing out your prayer to God, or just getting in your car and driving and speaking out loud to him. He really does hear and although he cant answer your prayer right then he will be able to give you a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Love you ladies! Keep it coming! I LOVE hearing from you and working through all of our issues! I’m sorry I was so short in all of my answers, I promise to get the other computer and start getting into better dialogue!

 

[EngineerGirl]

Mallie, that so reminded me of David's psalms of lament where he starts out just pouring out hurt to God and by the end God has David praising God for his goodness because David realizes that God is great and true and trustworthy. So glad he was able to comfort you and I pray he'll grant you the desires of your heart, and if the journey is long that he will show you that he works all things for the good of those who love him!

 

[Mallie]

Hey ladies I was just praying and had another amazing breakthrough in my life and thought I would share (I'm on my phone so bare with me on typos... I hope I can get my thought across!)

Okay so I'm laying here thinking about a timeline of my life. I keep thinking now is the perfect time, really God, I've planned and saved and all that good stuff, so trust me on this one, I got it! And God has just said to me "remember when you thought it was time to get married but Jeremy wouldn't propose to you? A year later after you begged me and pleaded for him to ask you he finally did, and your parents just happen to have a flourishing business at that time and were able to pay for your lavish wedding, but they wouldn't have been able to do that if I would have answered immediately! And now with your new house, i waited til just the right time and look at the amazing deal you got! AND it's the home of your dreams! So I need YOU to trust ME! I've done more planning and more saving and I'LL let YOU know when the time is right! But don't worry, just like all those other times I'll be here to listen until I can give you what you want. I love you, I know this hurts now but one day you will see I did this because I want what's best for you"

 

[jamhs]

Beautiful answer to your prayer!

 

[Jessi]

Hi Mallie, Thanks so much for your encouragment. The 2nd day I went I kept feeling I just HAD to request prayer but there didn't seem to be the opportunity, The conference message did stir up that I need to get back on my mission and assignment and the speaker even spoke of a situtation where she'd been crying out to God about something and God told her to channel all her energy into helping other women in the same situation - sure enough when she was doing that HER miracle happened(seek FIRST the Kingdom of God) (I dont know if it was a fertility issue or something else but it touched me) So at the end it was still on my heart to talk to someone and I went and asked one lady sitting down who I knew was on the ministry team. She hugged me and told me I was talking to the right person as she spoke her testimony to me I cried - her TTC journey has been MANY years longer than mine so far, yet she was SO compassionate and inspiring. It meant so much!

Then on Sunday the whole message was about waiting for the promise - so KEY. The jist of it was that after Jesus ressurected He went about showing Himself to over 500 believers, then when He ascended to heaven it was just 10 days before The Holy Spirit came at Pentecost however in those 10 days 380 believers at least must have fallen away as there were only 120 or so in the upper room. So - the majority missed out on the promise because they couldn't wait just 10 days... It was about how when we are waiting we find out who we really are as we are at our most vulnerable and how we need to change our prayer life to be "LORD make me ready for...." rather than "LORD bless me with..." sometimes. Honestly it opened my heart to feeling very loved that my Father is preparing me for my blessing, not withholding it from me. There IS a purpose in the waiting and it's working together for good.

I thought I'd post the jist of the message so that hopefully it can encourage another sister xxx

 

[lollybabe2011]

Mallie,
Thanks for the sharing, I really do believe that God do have plans for each and everyone of us, despite all the struggles in life, daily renewal of our faith is necessary to walk with him in this journey.