Feeling trapped - advice needed pls :(

[neverbeast88]

A few weeks ago I posted saying my partner and I broke up. Long story short he started a new job and changed completely. I thought Id had a MC and he forgot the follow up scans etc and when I got upset his mum told me to grow up. Everyday he kept putting more and more pressure on me to be a certain way towards him. It culminated in my daughter from a previous relationship being upset and not settling in bed and being terribly upset, shes 3. She said sorry to him and he just said back 'you dont know what that means' and went in a sulk because he had to go back to his but he didn't like how I said goodbye to him and the next day messaged saying Im too soft with my daughter and she always gets what she wants because she cries.

I asked for space and he went off on one saying Ive done this before to my daughters dad, [he left of his own free will] and how I have issues and he wanted to speak to my mum because I wasnt making any sense. He kept pushing for an answer and gave me no space so I said it was over and then he came round that night throwing stones at the window, phoning, shouting which scared me let alone my daughter who was upset and crying.

A few days later we met up and he apologised. I said we could try again but from the beginning. He read my booking notes and it said recently separated and he said we have to change that. He then ramped up wanting attention again.

Last thursday we all went out and at the end he wanted to know why I was going home. I explained I was tired and was going to drop him at his] and he kept saying in the car infront of my daughter he didnt know why he couldnt come over and mummys upset with me. Then the next day I wasnt feeling well and spent most of the day asleep and woke up to 16 messages, 2 phone calls and a voice mail.

Now he wants to go away for a weekend and keeps asking what ring size I am for an engagement ring. I keep saying I dont know as I dont want the arguments. Every time we argue I seem to have a bleed so I've been going along with whatever he says which is equally stupid. The more I think on it the more I feel trapped and I dont want this, he just sulks/argues when he doesnt get his way. But I dont want to upset my family by being a single mum again with 2 children by different dads.

edit: He also thinks I should stop working out. When we went for a meal he commented on my arm muscles and when I said I want to get my 6 pack back post baby [I'm fitness mad, love weights etc] he screwed his face up and said he didn't find that attractive. Yet he wants me to support him and his job/ideas but wouldnt even consider supporting me with my masters course [which in the end I had to decline].

I feel so trapped all I want to do is sleep or cry.

 

[Misscalais]

My sister is a mum with 2 kids to two different dads, both dead beats.
Best thing she did though was leave them. Shes now got a really lovely partner and he takes on her youngest as his own ( her eldest lives with his dad at the moment ) so when they have kids she will have 3 kids from three different dads. But at the end of the day she's not in a shit relationship.
He doesn't sound like a good man at all.

 

[neverbeast88]

My sister is a mum with 2 kids to two different dads, both dead beats.
Best thing she did though was leave them. Shes now got a really lovely partner and he takes on her youngest as his own ( her eldest lives with his dad at the moment ) so when they have kids she will have 3 kids from three different dads. But at the end of the day she's not in a shit relationship.
He doesn't sound like a good man at all.

Thanks for replying. I feel like such a loser even whining on. He keeps saying he is sorry for being an idiot but he is a good person but theres that sinking feeling in my gut when he says hes tried so hard with us and with taking on my daughter and I feel if I left he'd make my life so horrible.

 

[teal]

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you. He sounds very controlling.

 

[Marumi]

He seems like a really extreme character with some emotional issues. Idk if he is the type that would go to therapy to better himself, but either way you both need a break.

He must understand this is what is best for the baby too. You say you bleed from stress. With stress all muscles tighten up, even your uterus. Having bled you also should not work out. I only bled a bit and am not even allowed to do much around the house or walk long distances.

To me it also seems like he thinks he can push you and control you. My Ex husband was quite the same and during the relationship I tried to keep the peace. But when I wanted to separate I was firm, self confident and whatever drama he caused made me shrug my shoulders or laugh. And this really extreme man instantly became powerless. Your boyfriend acts like a child who is throwing a tantrum. Treat him like one. Don't let him cause drama, tell him if he can't be civil you won't talk and if he is so crazy to call all the time and throw rocks, call the police. This man needs to be put in his place I believe. He does not respect boundaries.

Either way, I think the first step would be to move in with your parents or friends for a bit to gain some peace and distance. Maybe you will decide he is not the one for you. No shame in having bad luck with men. It is their fault not yours.

 

[neverbeast88]

He is on antidepressants and has abused cocaine etc in his past [both of which are relatively recent revelations...especially the latter but cant judge people for their past]. He went to the doctor and had his antidepressants increased and was given a form for self referral but when I last asked he said he hadnt heard back. I spoke to my sister this morning who said she is genuinely worried about the whole situation.

I think a good solid break is a good idea at the moment. Thank you for not judging and taking the time to reply.

 

[Shezza84uk]

Take a very long break hun, he is not only controlling he's also manipulative. The simple fact he started saying to your daughter who he claims wont understand what sorry meant but goes on to tell her he doesn't understand why he cant come over is a huge red flag, his lack of thought for how you feel is another red flag. He is clearly trying to back you in a corner, a baby holds no one and you don't have to take it! their are plenty men around who would happily love you as you are kids or not don't feel pressured into marriage or staying with him tell him you need space and stick to it. Good luck xx

 

[neverbeast88]

I just feel like such an idiot for even getting involved with him. I just dont want the drama which is bound to come after. Hes just going to be so horribly nasty [words wise] when I try to speak to him about it.

 

[Shezza84uk]

Let him be nasty, just remember why you feel the way you do long term you will fair out better by sticking to your guns. Don't live in regret, things happen people sometimes aren't who they seem and its easier to accept the good points rather than see the bad. The good thing is you don't ignore the signs and carry on because it makes him feel better, this is also an unhealthy situation for your daughter who has so much changes to come to terms with, this is not good for you, baby or your daughter be strong you can do this xx

 

[Marumi]

He is on antidepressants and has abused cocaine etc in his past [both of which are relatively recent revelations...especially the latter but cant judge people for their past]. He went to the doctor and had his antidepressants increased and was given a form for self referral but when I last asked he said he hadnt heard back. I spoke to my sister this morning who said she is genuinely worried about the whole situation.

I think a good solid break is a good idea at the moment. Thank you for not judging and taking the time to reply.

Oh yes, he will need time for himself also. If I may throw in some holistic advice - depression is often linked to chemical imbalances in the brain as well as hormonal imbalances. Genetics and life can make one more prone to it of course, but regulating hormone function etc. can do much to improve. In some cases it even resulted in complete healing.
1. Some people are extremely sensitive to the effects of certain foods. Gluten, sugar or even lactose come to mind. Eliminating these and adding good saturated fats like virgin olive oil, coconut oil, butter can make a big difference.
https://robbwolf.com/2011/06/27/paleo-conquers-depression/
https://thepaleodiet.com/alleviate-depression-and-anxiety/
https://paleoleap.com/brain-on-paleo/
https://chriskresser.com/depression/
My husband has had much improvement in how he feels on Paleo. He was suffering from anxiety and lethargy.
I have mostly made health improvements on it.

2. Hormonal imbalances are common because we are ecposed to endocrine disrupting substances in so many ways. Environment, food, water, plastic, cosmetics and not even a helathy or organic lifestyle can fully ward this off. We all know how hormones can create vivid dreams in pregnant women and how many are left with postpartum mood disorders like PPD. THAT is the power of hormones.
Diet can be a way to balance hormones but a fast and efficient way is detoxing with the help of herbal supplements such as Vitex, burdock root, milk thistle and very importantly DIM and Calcium D Glucarate which gets rid of excess estrogen. I would say any adult over 20 would benefit from such a detox .
https://www.naturodoc.com/library/hormones/diindolymethane.htm
https://www.livestrong.com/article/35111-calcium-dglucarate-effects-testosterone/#page=1

So my advice would be to detox your man and put him on a diet. If he is up for it

These supplements helped all my postpartum hormonal problems like postpartum psychosis, skin problems, sleep problems, and irregular cycles with bad PMS even long after my period had returned. I detox for 3-6 months and then take a one year break btw.

 

[neverbeast88]

He is on antidepressants and has abused cocaine etc in his past [both of which are relatively recent revelations...especially the latter but cant judge people for their past]. He went to the doctor and had his antidepressants increased and was given a form for self referral but when I last asked he said he hadnt heard back. I spoke to my sister this morning who said she is genuinely worried about the whole situation.

I think a good solid break is a good idea at the moment. Thank you for not judging and taking the time to reply.

Oh yes, he will need time for himself also. If I may throw in some holistic advice - depression is often linked to chemical imbalances in the brain as well as hormonal imbalances. Genetics and life can make one more prone to it of course, but regulating hormone function etc. can do much to improve. In some cases it even resulted in complete healing.
1. Some people are extremely sensitive to the effects of certain foods. Gluten, sugar or even lactose come to mind. Eliminating these and adding good saturated fats like virgin olive oil, coconut oil, butter can make a big difference.
https://robbwolf.com/2011/06/27/paleo-conquers-depression/
https://thepaleodiet.com/alleviate-depression-and-anxiety/
https://paleoleap.com/brain-on-paleo/
https://chriskresser.com/depression/
My husband has had much improvement in how he feels on Paleo. He was suffering from anxiety and lethargy.
I have mostly made health improvements on it.

2. Hormonal imbalances are common because we are ecposed to endocrine disrupting substances in so many ways. Environment, food, water, plastic, cosmetics and not even a helathy or organic lifestyle can fully ward this off. We all know how hormones can create vivid dreams in pregnant women and how many are left with postpartum mood disorders like PPD. THAT is the power of hormones.
Diet can be a way to balance hormones but a fast and efficient way is detoxing with the help of herbal supplements such as Vitex, burdock root, milk thistle and very importantly DIM and Calcium D Glucarate which gets rid of excess estrogen. I would say any adult over 20 would benefit from such a detox .
https://www.naturodoc.com/library/hormones/diindolymethane.htm
https://www.livestrong.com/article/35111-calcium-dglucarate-effects-testosterone/#page=1

So my advice would be to detox your man and put him on a diet. If he is up for it

These supplements helped all my postpartum hormonal problems like postpartum psychosis, skin problems, sleep problems, and irregular cycles with bad PMS even long after my period had returned. I detox for 3-6 months and then take a one year break btw.

That is very helpful advice but I fear of I approached him about it it would start an argument. He doesn't really appreciate his role in this but is beginning to become 'interested' in what I eat. For instance I had made cravings for meat and he commented how my diet had changed and then as of yesterday was asking what I was eating and commented on how healthy is all sounds now. When we went for a meal he commented the only reason I wanted ice-cream for dessert was because it had less calories than the crumble and insisted I have the crumble... Later to tell me that the weight I'm putting on (I've put on 1lb) is because I'm.pregnant and not because I'm eating to get fat.

The more I think on everything the more I get confused as to whether he is being an idiot or whether I'm being unfair and hormonal.

 

[Marumi]

I think it is more likely he is an idiot ^^....

Maybe just keep it in mind for the future. I think once there is some distance between the two of you he will take advice. He might need time to reflect and really understand how serious things are. The fear of losing you might nake him understand it is time to change. Who knows. You can also just propose this to him in an email in the future. Copy paste if you like and say a health blogger shared this with you. I think if he is to himself and not put in the spot he might be more willing to read about it. At least this is far gentler than therapy and drugs!

 

[neverbeast88]

I think it is more likely he is an idiot ^^....

Maybe just keep it in mind for the future. I think once there is some distance between the two of you he will take advice. He might need time to reflect and really understand how serious things are. The fear of losing you might nake him understand it is time to change. Who knows. You can also just propose this to him in an email in the future. Copy paste if you like and say a health blogger shared this with you. I think if he is to himself and not put in the spot he might be more willing to read about it. At least this is far gentler than therapy and drugs!

Thank you so much

 

[MindUtopia]

If anyone treated my daughter like that, he'd be out the door in no time flat. Your daughter is your world and the most important thing in all of this, as is your new baby. Anyone who says cruel, spiteful things to her or isn't supportive of your health while you are pregnant sounds like dead weight to be honest. I wouldn't tolerate anyone treating my daughter or myself like that. I don't think you are being unfair or hormonal. He sounds emotionally abusive. Take care of yourself and your kids and let him sort himself out when he's ready.

 

[Marumi]

I think it is more likely he is an idiot ^^....

Maybe just keep it in mind for the future. I think once there is some distance between the two of you he will take advice. He might need time to reflect and really understand how serious things are. The fear of losing you might nake him understand it is time to change. Who knows. You can also just propose this to him in an email in the future. Copy paste if you like and say a health blogger shared this with you. I think if he is to himself and not put in the spot he might be more willing to read about it. At least this is far gentler than therapy and drugs!

Thank you so much

You're welcome

 

[neverbeast88]

So I left him and he turned around and said he had had enough of it being about me and that he could do/deserves a lot better. So now I feel like a right loser and low.

 

[Marumi]

So I left him and he turned around and said he had had enough of it being about me and that he could do/deserves a lot better. So now I feel like a right loser and low.

He did not agree to just a temporary break? He seems delusional tbh. All the stress he put in you and now he isntrying to turn it around. Give it time. Either you will feel better without him or he will regret things and be more open to intervention. He seems like the kind of guy who says things he does not mean in the heat of the moment.

 

[6lilpigs]

He sounds like a spoilt brat! Please get out now while you can or you will be carrying him for a long time. You and your children are 1000 times more worthy of your attention, he should be supporting you and the family not draining them, his glass is half empty, tip it out now, seriously!!! Good luck xx

 

[neverbeast88]

Thank you so much ladies. You've made me feel so supported and that I did the right thing.

 

[JillieBean]

He's got to go. You cannot let him treat you this way, let alone your daughter. The way he speaks to her is damaging. Tell him adios!