BlessedWomb
Cautiously Expecting
- Joined
- Feb 9, 2012
- Messages
- 253
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I am ready to tell my story...
Here it is, it may be lengthy so bare with me.
Background: I always had irregular cycles. They would last forever. I could bleed for 3 months at a time sometimes, constant bleeding. If you are a religious person you may know the story about a woman with an issue of blood. I always felt like her. That if I could just touch the hem of Jesus' garment that everything would be okay. So, one night when I was going to church I heard the spirit of the lord say that he would heal me. They were lining people up, and there was a line for healing. I didn't tell her where to tough me, but she touched me on my womb. She prayed. I went my own way. I was on birth control at that time to regulate my periods. I threw them away. Ever since that fateful night my periods were regular. Like clockwork 28 days... a normal cycle.
GOD IS GREAT!!!!
I joined this site in hopes of one day becoming a mother. I thought I was pregnant in February I believe, or it may have been March. But, I wasn't, so I just said whatever God's plans are for me is OK with me.
So in April my period didn't show up. I was surprised I begin testing I must have bought about 10 tests. They were all faint or not good enough for me. On my husband's birthday 4/27/2012 I took a digi test. It said pregnant. I was so ecstatic. I was happy. I had it confirmed. I had some cramping around 6 weeks or so. It was normal they said. I didn't worry about it. I was happy. I just kept praying and moving forward.
I must have had every pregnancy app on my phone. My wallpaper on my phone was my pregnancy tests that I had taken. Everything that I ate and breathed was pregnancy. I was at every doctor's appointment. I was scheduled to find out the gender on 8/28/2012. I really wanted a boy so bad. I was just praying for a boy.
I was 20 weeks on that Saturday. Sunday August 19, I was having cramping. I called the hospital. They said it may be dehydration, take some tylenol, drink lot's of water, and rest. I did it felt better. Around 12:00 a.m. On Monday, my birthday, 8/20/2012 I was getting ready for bed. I was hurting so bad, I was cramping, no position was comfortable for me. I called the hospital again, they told me if I felt I needed to come in then I should. I called my mom. I told her that I was cramping around 5 or 10 minutes exactly. Or whenever I switched positions from standing to sitting. She said she was on her way. I woke my husband up, he began praying in the Muslim way. I was walking around like I was in labor I knew something was terribly wrong.
I made it to the hospital. They put the belt on me to see if I was contracting. Nope. They checked baby's heartbeat it was 160. That was high for my baby he is always 140. I knew again something was wrong. When she was looking for the heartbeat it hurt so bad for her to touch me. They dismissed it as round ligament pain. The doc was going to check my cervix but decided not to. They were ready to send me home when I felt the urge to vomit. I ran to the bathroom as I was opening my mouth to gag, my waters broke at the same time. I pulled the cord for the nurse.
They advised me of everything... blah, blah, blah, baby's not going to make it. I said what about surfactant and just everything I knew about premature babies. It didn't matter it was less than a 1% chance baby would make it. I just kept screaming no, no, no through tears. It's my birthday. Why?
Well, they said they would start pitocin. They basically told me baby would die in my arms. I said no, I can't do that. No, I can't. So, because their was no amniotic fluid baby would die inside of me. They checked with ultrasound baby's heartbeat was declining. I asked was it a boy or girl. They said they couldn't tell because there was no fluid. They decided it would be inhumane to have the baby born and die that way. He died inside of me.
They gave me pitocin and something else to start contractions. The worst pain ever. I wanted an epidural they didn't give me one though. I went through labor naturally. Not what I wanted. My nurse had called the doctors to come for 2 hours while I was in labor. I felt I had to urinate. I was trying to go to the restroom. My husband said do it right here and I'll clean it up. My mama said no they'll do it. I just urinated on myself. I felt the baby coming out. I delivered the baby by myself. My mom jumped when she saw the baby. The doctor's were nowhere to be found. My mom ran into the hallway screaming for the doctors. They came, I was screaming. I was so traumatized. They cut the umbilical cord and were about to clean the baby my husband said no. He took the baby and began praying. It was a little boy. He was so beautiful. He had all the features of his daddy. Big hands, big feet. I kissed him. I told him I loved him. We named him Raheem. I didn't know what it meant at that time. But it means merciful God. My name is Mercedez and my names means merciful. Anyway, God had a reason I may never know but he is still so great and he deserves all honor, glory, and adoration.
Everyday it gets better. My dad told me God will reveal it by and by. That's what the old folks used to say. I know that he will. I just trust God so much. It doesn't make the grieving easier.But it makes it easier knowing that God loves me so much, more than I could possibly ever love myself.
R.I.P. Raheem
This is the song I played to him very often. I hope you like it too!! It's dedicated to him.
https://youtu.be/SkQLthgzTIk
Here it is, it may be lengthy so bare with me.
Background: I always had irregular cycles. They would last forever. I could bleed for 3 months at a time sometimes, constant bleeding. If you are a religious person you may know the story about a woman with an issue of blood. I always felt like her. That if I could just touch the hem of Jesus' garment that everything would be okay. So, one night when I was going to church I heard the spirit of the lord say that he would heal me. They were lining people up, and there was a line for healing. I didn't tell her where to tough me, but she touched me on my womb. She prayed. I went my own way. I was on birth control at that time to regulate my periods. I threw them away. Ever since that fateful night my periods were regular. Like clockwork 28 days... a normal cycle.
GOD IS GREAT!!!!
I joined this site in hopes of one day becoming a mother. I thought I was pregnant in February I believe, or it may have been March. But, I wasn't, so I just said whatever God's plans are for me is OK with me.
So in April my period didn't show up. I was surprised I begin testing I must have bought about 10 tests. They were all faint or not good enough for me. On my husband's birthday 4/27/2012 I took a digi test. It said pregnant. I was so ecstatic. I was happy. I had it confirmed. I had some cramping around 6 weeks or so. It was normal they said. I didn't worry about it. I was happy. I just kept praying and moving forward.
I must have had every pregnancy app on my phone. My wallpaper on my phone was my pregnancy tests that I had taken. Everything that I ate and breathed was pregnancy. I was at every doctor's appointment. I was scheduled to find out the gender on 8/28/2012. I really wanted a boy so bad. I was just praying for a boy.
I was 20 weeks on that Saturday. Sunday August 19, I was having cramping. I called the hospital. They said it may be dehydration, take some tylenol, drink lot's of water, and rest. I did it felt better. Around 12:00 a.m. On Monday, my birthday, 8/20/2012 I was getting ready for bed. I was hurting so bad, I was cramping, no position was comfortable for me. I called the hospital again, they told me if I felt I needed to come in then I should. I called my mom. I told her that I was cramping around 5 or 10 minutes exactly. Or whenever I switched positions from standing to sitting. She said she was on her way. I woke my husband up, he began praying in the Muslim way. I was walking around like I was in labor I knew something was terribly wrong.
I made it to the hospital. They put the belt on me to see if I was contracting. Nope. They checked baby's heartbeat it was 160. That was high for my baby he is always 140. I knew again something was wrong. When she was looking for the heartbeat it hurt so bad for her to touch me. They dismissed it as round ligament pain. The doc was going to check my cervix but decided not to. They were ready to send me home when I felt the urge to vomit. I ran to the bathroom as I was opening my mouth to gag, my waters broke at the same time. I pulled the cord for the nurse.
They advised me of everything... blah, blah, blah, baby's not going to make it. I said what about surfactant and just everything I knew about premature babies. It didn't matter it was less than a 1% chance baby would make it. I just kept screaming no, no, no through tears. It's my birthday. Why?
Well, they said they would start pitocin. They basically told me baby would die in my arms. I said no, I can't do that. No, I can't. So, because their was no amniotic fluid baby would die inside of me. They checked with ultrasound baby's heartbeat was declining. I asked was it a boy or girl. They said they couldn't tell because there was no fluid. They decided it would be inhumane to have the baby born and die that way. He died inside of me.
They gave me pitocin and something else to start contractions. The worst pain ever. I wanted an epidural they didn't give me one though. I went through labor naturally. Not what I wanted. My nurse had called the doctors to come for 2 hours while I was in labor. I felt I had to urinate. I was trying to go to the restroom. My husband said do it right here and I'll clean it up. My mama said no they'll do it. I just urinated on myself. I felt the baby coming out. I delivered the baby by myself. My mom jumped when she saw the baby. The doctor's were nowhere to be found. My mom ran into the hallway screaming for the doctors. They came, I was screaming. I was so traumatized. They cut the umbilical cord and were about to clean the baby my husband said no. He took the baby and began praying. It was a little boy. He was so beautiful. He had all the features of his daddy. Big hands, big feet. I kissed him. I told him I loved him. We named him Raheem. I didn't know what it meant at that time. But it means merciful God. My name is Mercedez and my names means merciful. Anyway, God had a reason I may never know but he is still so great and he deserves all honor, glory, and adoration.
Everyday it gets better. My dad told me God will reveal it by and by. That's what the old folks used to say. I know that he will. I just trust God so much. It doesn't make the grieving easier.But it makes it easier knowing that God loves me so much, more than I could possibly ever love myself.
R.I.P. Raheem
This is the song I played to him very often. I hope you like it too!! It's dedicated to him.
https://youtu.be/SkQLthgzTIk
