Finally success after 5 years unexplained infertility

[Blue eyes 81]

I have not been on in a while... can't believe I missed this!
Congrats on the birth of your lil ones!♡!

 

[ashknowsbest]

Finally have a second to update ... although I'll never be able to update the way I want because it would just take way too long.

I'm doing really good. Much better emotionally than I was the first 2 weeks. Guess I had a case of baby blues but like I said it has gotten so much better. Night and day really.

I'm getting the hang of being a mommy (slowly but surely). The babies sleep a good amount but seem to be awake and really demanding at night. They either have their days and nights mixed up or I just got unlucky. I keep telling Jason we need to sleep during the day like it's night time and just stay up at night since that's how their schedules seem to be. We did stop talking to them during night feedings so they maybe start to learn that night time is strictly for eating and then we go back to bed but it has been challenging.

All of our help has gone home. It's now just my hubby and I and if I'm being completely honest I have no idea how people raise twins when their husband has to go back to work right away. I would literally lose my mind and I am so incredibly grateful for my husband.

On the breastfeeding front ... I'm sad to say this but I've decided to give up exclusively breastfeeding my babies. And it's with a heavy heart that I say that. I just got to a point where I could not do it emotionally anymore. We had a lot going against us. My babies are preemies, they have tiny mouths, and even though we tried so many things to get them to latch correctly they just weren't doing so. I know breastfeeding is not supposed to be comfortable but because they were only latching onto the nipple it was excruciating and I would get angry with them. I was not enjoying my babies or being a mother so I'm currently pumping exclusively and giving them my breastmilk through a bottle. I'm working with a LC and she taught my husband and I good bottle habits so that when they get bigger if I want to try breastfeeding again it's an option (it will be difficult but it's an option) and she is helping me increase my supply just with pumping. I'm happy I'm at least able to give my babies my breastmilk and am very committed to pumping. I'm really hoping to at least give them breastmilk until they're 3 months but we're going to have to play it by ear and see what happens.

The biggest parenting lesson I've learned so far:

The babies are their own people and even though I might want something for them if we can't both make it worth it's not going to happen. It has been hard to let things go that I really wanted but as I'm learning to let go I'm becoming a happier mom ... and that's more important than anything.

I hope you're all doing well!

 

[almosthere]

glad your feeling in a better mood! I feel like I went through a rough patch emotionally in the beginning with ds as well. sorry to hear breastfeeding didn't work out but whatever works best for you and your family is what is best! that's great they are getting the breast milk go mama for pumping I had such a. hard time pumping I hardly got anything!

 

[MoBaby]

Hi ash I was thinking about you today! I'm glad things are getting better. Good for you for pumping! It's hard work and I've been doing it for 11 weeks and 2 days and supplementing since 6 weeks. Def share what the LC has to say about how to increase with pumping. I still would like to try as I've been stuck at 24 ounces and baby eats 36 ounces. I'm glad you're working on being a happy mom

 

[wannabeprego]

I am glad that you are starting to feel better! With the pumping, just try to hang in there as long as you can! It is really hard keeping up with newborn twins in addition to keeping up with a pumping schedule. I would pump 3 to 4 times a day once my milk came in and that was it. That was all I could handle. To be totally honest I wasn't a big fan of pumping, it was so exhausting on top of the stress of the twins being in the NICU and when my DD came home first, it was even harder to keep up, when my DS came home after his 4 months I had to stop. It was just too much!! So I totally understand how you are feeling!!! You are a rockstar for doing all that you are now!!

My DH, had a 2 week maternity leave and than he had to go back to work, luckily my Mom came down and stayed with me for almost a total of 2 months, and it was so nice just having the extra set of hands to hold and feed one of the twins. My sister also came down for 1 week and cooked meals, helped out with the twins. She made us a bunch of meals we could freeze and pop in the oven! It was all a huge help! I still remember how scared I was the first time I had the twins solo all by myself, all of my help was gone, DH went back to work!!! I was terrified!! LOL! But I managed to keep up with the two of them all by myself!!! You will get there also!!!

Getting the twins to sleep at night, don't let them nap too long during the day, wake them up after an hour or two!! You can swaddle them to help them sleep, the swing always worked really well to get them to go to sleep for me also. I would use it for naps during the day. I would swaddle them and put them in the swing. My DD always loved naps, she would nap once in the morning and once in the afternoon. My DS was never a big napper, but he always slept really good through the night. My DD still doesn't sleep through the night now and she is 3!! LOL!!! I think that is from the NICU schedule she was on though! I always put them to bed around 8pm. Try to pick a schedule that works good for you guys, stick to it, they will get used to the schedule you put them on and it will become habit to them!!! I have a music box/white noise sound box I used when they were little and we would play lullabies on you tube to help them fall asleep. They have some really nice ones with graphics to help them fall asleep!! I hope that some of these tips help!!!

I also was never able to keep the twins on the same schedule during the day. I would feed one and when the one was content I would go take care of the other's needs. I always found that to be easier than trying to feed two crying babies at once! I also have always had the twins sleep in different rooms. Originally we started out with them both in the nursery, but they would wake each other up! DS was a great sleep and DD slept awful. DD ended up in her crib in my room!!! LOL!!!

Just some tips that I hope help out!! Sorry if I am rambling writing a book right now!! LOL!!!

 

[Stinas]

CONGRATSSSSS!!!! So happy for you guys!!!

Twins sure is an adjustment!!! The emotions are totally normal...one minute i remember crying and the next I was fine....and I never cry. It was a crazy time, but as long as you have support you will be ok!!!

You totally learn things as you go. No one knows what you are dealing with unless they have multiples. I heard soo many "advice" stories from people with singletons and it would never work with twins. Get used to hearing things, just let them talk, I think they just like to hear themselves lol Take it all a day at a time. Its hard with two, but you were given two because you can handle it! You are a wonderful mom and don't let the bad days make you feel otherwise!

 

[ashknowsbest]

Mo - On the LC front. Right now she has me taking fenugreek - 3 capsules/day (I may increase this though based on what I read), pumping every 2-3 hours (depending on how busy the day is), drinking 3-4 cups of mothers milk tea/day, and doing a breast massage before I pump to "loosen" up the milk ducts (and because the pump can't get to the back of the breast so if you massage the areas where the pump really can't reach you may get more. Oh and I'm doing 1/4tsp powdered brewers yeast (mixed into orange juice because it hides the nasty taste) 2x/day. She wants me to get up to 1tsp 2x per day but she said because it's so nasty to just work my way up to that. It is so much to do but I'm doing it because I really want my milk supply to increase. Today I have been able to pump every 2 hours because we spent the day at home watching movies.

Stinas - I'm happy to hear that I'm not alone in my emotions! I learned pretty quickly that I wasn't alone though. My husbands cousin who carried twins for her sister came out to help us for a week and she said that the emotions were totally normal and that she had them after she gave birth to his sisters twins. She said it took her a while to get back to normal but that she did get back to normal. Totally helps to know I'm not alone too. And I reached out to some of the girls in my prenatal yoga classes and I found it so funny that both of them feel/felt the same exact way. Their babies are 3-4 months now but they each felt really overwhelmed and each admitted to not even bonding with their babies until they reach 1 month old. One because she was healing from a really rough birth, and the other because she was having issues with breastfeeding. Anyways, it is really nice to know I'm not insane, and that I'm a good mother despite these emotions that I'm having/had.

wanna - thanks for all of the info and advice! You know, I thought about keeping them up at night but the thing is our doctor told us do not keep them up. She said this because they were having trouble gaining weight at first and when they sleep, it's like the only time they really have to use the calories to grow. I want to keep them up so bad but it's just not an option right now. I wish! We have our 1 month appointment on Thursday of this coming week though and I'm going to ask at that appointment if we can now keep them up longer since they're still gaining weight and doing pretty good. Hopefully she will say yes but we will see. I'm also curious when I can start to on demand feed them during the day. As of the last appointment, she wanted us to still wake them up every 2-3 hours during the day to eat but at night we are able to on demand feed them but I would like to just on demand feed them all the time. I'm wondering if there is some magic weight they want babies to be ... I'm not sure. Oliver always lets us know when he's hungry but Lucy really likes to sleep and she'll go 5-6 hours sometimes at night ... so I'm sure she'd do that during the day and that makes me nervous.

 

[MoBaby]

Sounds like you are doing great! Pumping every 2 hours is hard but worth it! Even if having to supplement every drop of breastmilk counts. Thanks for the tips. Most I've tried. Brewers yeast also comes tablet form and you just swallow a few pills a few times a day. I haven't tried the powdered.

 

[wannabeprego]

@Ash, Your welcome!!! It is so hard when they are really little and so small. They have to eat frequently, and they nap a lot too!!! I get what you mean about letting them sleep. Hopefully when they get a little bigger and gain some weight you guys can get them on a better sleep schedule and than my advice will come in handy!!! Good luck!!!! I hope they start gaining weight for you!!!

I remember at night when we would put them to bed, we would make sure the room was dark, and we would be very quiet! We always swaddled them because their little arms flailing about always wakes them up! Swaddling is a god send to make them fall asleep when you want them to!! DH & I tried to avoid eye contact at night!! LOL!!! It always seemed to wake them up!!! My DS went through a phase were he would cry when we put him in his crib at night for bed and the only thing that would make him stop crying was white noise. My DD always liked rain sounds. Plus that nose helps drown out other noses in the house or creaky floors when you are trying to sneak away and not wake the baby!!! LOL!!! The you tube videos I mentioned have really soothing music and great graphics the baby can stare at to help them fall asleep whether it is for naps or bedtime. Here are a few of my favorite videos that always helped me get the twins to bed. Just search for baby lullabies!
Do you guys ever use google cast to play the you tube videos on tv? It works great to soothe the baby!!

I was just remembering what it was like when the twins were cluster feeding and going through different phases!! Oh gosh just wait until your twins get bigger and you guys start going out with them!! People say such funny things!! They ask questions like, "Are they twins?""Are they fraternal!, LOL!!! "Oh you must have your hands full!" Than the stories about who else they know that has twins!! and so on and so forth!! This always cracks me up!!!! LOL!!!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wm15rvkifPc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZHg9aMoVNs

 

[ashknowsbest]

wanna - we do have chrome cast. Hubby works for google so we have all the google gadgets. And yes, I looove my chrome cast, I use it every single day. We actually bought the audio chrome cast too because I really don't want the tv on around the kids and it has also come in handy!

Mo - oh yeah pumping every 2 hours is a full time job. A lot of work but I'm really happy that I'm at least able to give O and L breast milk, even if it's not through nursing directly.

It is 4:50am and I'm up. I never thought this would be my life especially because I'm not a night person. I also never realized how much caffeine really does work. I used to think that caffeine didn't have an impact on me but I'm not realizing that's not the case at all. I bought DH an espresso machine for fathers day and whenever I get up to do night feedings I have DH make me a latte and it really does wake me up. It's amazing and I really don't know what I'd do without the caffeine. I know I shouldn't have a lot since I'm breastfeeding but I have to compromise somewhere. Plus my LC didn't say anything about not having any caffeine.

I'm pretty proud of myself ... I did a feeding all alone. I just got all 4 bottles ready (2 with breastmilk and 2 with the 25ml of top off formula they've been getting), set their boppy loungers on the couch one on each side of me, put the babies in the loungers and fed both of them at the same time, then I burped L because she finished first, then O, then I changed their diapers, got them into new clothes (L spits up a lot so she needs a clothes changing almost at every feeding) and swaddled and got them both relaxed and sleeping. For a while we thought Lucy didn't like swaddles, she always fights them but she didn't seem to mind tonight.

I feel accomplished. I'm going to ride this high for a few hours until they wake up next and I have to do it all over again.

 

[ashknowsbest]

I don't know what worked but my supply has increased and I've been able to give the babies all formula for the past 3 feedings. I've also been keeping a journal of what time I pump, for how long and how much milk I get each time and I've also noticed an incline there. I'm so happy! I just hope I can keep this up and keep meeting their demand. I'm going to do what's called power pumping. It's where you pump for an hour straight 10 minutes on 10 minutes off. Hopefully that will increase it more so that when they go through a growth spurt I have enough milk for them.

 

[MoBaby]

That's great ash!! I'm glad it's working. I'm coming to the end of my pumping journey. I'm decreasing supply despite pumping 6-7x daily still and won't be doing this much longer. I've felt accomplished giving him bm for 12 weeks but I think it's time to quit for us. Keep doing what you're doing!! How much are you pumping a day now? Power pump will def help.

 

[FirstTry]

Congratulations, Ash!

Being a new mom is tough. I've never been as emotional as when I was breastfeeding my first child. I supplemented for 6 weeks until my supply finally kicked in, but it was always just enough after that. With twins, you have double the work in all senses.

I had some sadness too. Make sure you communicate with your husband, mom, friends, or whoever you feel most comfortable with, so they can help. Maybe even give you a break. It gets much easier every week. You are in the toughest time right now.

Hugs!

 

[MoBaby]

Hey ash! Just checking in on ya! I know those babies are keeping you super busy. Hope you're doing ok!!

 

[ashknowsbest]

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. The last 5 days of my life have been the hardest thing I've ever been through. My babies both came down with RSV. It's a cold virus that in adults and older children just causes a runny nose and cough but in babies (especially premature ones) it can cause severe breathing problems. So Oliver had a cough for 5 days when we took him into the pediatrician and found out that they had RSV but at that time they both had o2 levels at 100%. Well we went in the very next day for follow up and their levels had dropped to 95%. They sent us to the hospital to be observed overnight. Overnight they had great stats ... o2 levels never dropping below 95% so they discharged us the next day. Well that very night Lucy's breathing didn't seem right so I had DH rush her to urgent care where they told him to bring her back to the ER so he did. They hooked her up to the monitors again and everything looked fine (I found out later her o2 had been dropping to 88 and that's not fine) so they sent her home. We had another pediatrician follow up from the hospital stay so we went to that appointment at 4:15pm and Lucy stopped breathing in my arms. All the doctors rushed in and got her back with an oxygen mask but they called 911 and Lucy was transported to the local hospital where she kept having periods of apnea so they made the decision to incubate her to save her life. After that they transferred he to Lucille packard Stanford children's hospital where she has been in the PICU. She has been on the vent for 5 days but today they extubated her and right now she's doing ok on a nasal cannula. She had a very minor apnea episode right after intubation but they're watching her closely to make sure she's just transitioning back to being off the vent.

This has literally been the scariest ride of my life. I love this little girl so much and it killed me to see her having tons of needles poked at her and to see her fighting for her life. I am so incredibly grateful she fought this thing. I tell her every single day she is the braves girl I know. I haven't been able to hold her yet but hopefully after I get done pumping I will be able to snuggle my little girl.

 

[MoBaby]

Ash that is so scary! I am so glad she is extubated now. Hopefully those babies heal from here. And kudos to you for keeping pumping while this was going on! I don't think I would have had the strength or energy to see my babies like that and to hook up to pump several times per day. You're such a great mamma!! Hopefully both babies are back home and healthy sooon.

 

[wannabeprego]

@Ash, OMG, geesh that must have been so scary and stressful!! I am so sorry that the twins got so sick! Big huge hugs to all of you!!! I will keep your DD in my thoughts and prayers!!! I hope she feels better soon!!! I got so mad when I read that they sent her home even when her oxygen levels were low like that!!! They should of had you guys go to the hospital!!! Oh gosh, well I am keeping her in my thoughts and prayers! Babies are tough little cookies!!!!

I remember when my DS was a baby and he had croup and spent a week in the children's hospital how scary and stressful it was. It is so hard when they are little like that watching them go through being sick!!! I feel for you Mamma!!!

 

[ashknowsbest]

Thanks for the kind words and shared frustration that they sent her home with her o2 levels that low. I am still pissed about it. Lucy is still doing phenomenal on the nasal cannula. They started her on one that provided a little pressure to help keep her lungs open but now she's on a regular one and is a rockstar. She still has her ng tube in but they're going to allow me to bottle feed her to see how she does with that. If she does well the ng tube comes out tomorrow. And her pic line should come out tonight or tomorrow depending on how she's doing.

 

[Twag]

So sorry your babies have been so poorly keeping your sweet baby girl in my thoughts xx

 

[almosthere]

how stressful and scarey! I am glad she is okay now I hope she heals up well sending big hugs. Glad Oliver is okay as well! my son had rsv once usually kids get it at least once age 2 or under he had to do the whole mask inhaler thing for quite a while I can only imagine how tough it is for little newborns to get that sickness.