S
Semanthia
Guest
It has been over a week since we lost our daughter. I have spent this week mourning our loss and thinking through my pregnancy. This was my first pregnancy and we were so excited and yet so naive. I spent my first trimester terrified of having a miscarriage but I pushed that fear aside to tell friends and family. My husband and I made that decision because we were aware that something can happen at any time even after you deliver your baby. Anyways I would like to share my story, I feel like I had many chances at finding and fixing this before it was too late. If there is someone else out there with a story similar to mine I hope they read this and that it helps them. The biggest thing I have learned is trust your gut! I had many bad gut feelings and now that I look back I wish I had acted on them because now I am haunted by what ifs. I dont know if anything would have changed our outcome but I would have the comfort that everything was tried to prevent it. Please bear with me, Im starting from the beginning.
I had some really crazy cycles at the end of 2009 through most of 2010. I went to my gyno for a check up to see what was wrong, after some tests everything came back normal. I decided that it was from being overweight (I gained a lot of weight when we moved away from friends and family to the twilight zone) and just the stress of everything going on in my life. After months of on and off bleeding and no real periods I just assumed I was not ovulating and decided to get some book on fertility since we wanted to start trying after our wedding in April 2011. Finally in August I had what I thought was a regular, normal period. My husband (we had a court house wedding) went out of state for work training while I was in the middle of my cycle. He then returned home at the end of September and I never saw my cycle again. I thought for sure my cycle was messed up again and towards the end of October I was experiencing some odd things along with some spotting and sometimes bleeding. I decided to call my gyno and get to the root of this because I didnt want to wait too long if it was something that would cause infertility. I decided to take a pregnancy test so that I could tell my doctor that I took one and it was negative when she asked if I could be pregnant. Much to my surprise there was two pink lines on the test immediately. I told my husband; although it wasnt planned we were excited and happy. We both thought since we had avoided getting pregnant for 6 years that this must be Gods way of telling us it is time.
So I called my doctor to set up an appointment and hopefully find out how far along I was. After much arguing with the nurse about how it was impossible for me to have conceived before Sept. 27th because I didnt have sex until then she agreed to schedule me for an ultrasound. So I went in for my ultrasound and found out I was 10 weeks and 6 days (which showed that we conceived after Sept 27th like I thought), the ultrasound tech noticed that I had a short cervix. Two weeks later (12weeks and 6 days) I had my normal monthly prenatal visit where I had to see this nurse practitioner who tells me about my short cervix. I asked her what that meant (this is my first and I know nothing about these kinds of things and who would without experiencing them or knowing someone who has) and she simply said It just means youre at risk of preterm labor. Youll need another ultrasound in four weeks to check it again. My check up continued and she couldnt find babys heart beat (although I felt she wasnt looking very hard and knew sometimes it is hard to find at 12 weeks). The nurse practitioner started freaking out and rushed me to the secretary to see if I could be squeezed in for a quick ultrasound and to schedule my next prenatal and check up ultrasound. I thought I scheduled my ultrasound and checkup for the same day and then was sent over to the other office for the ultrasound. After about an hour they were able to squeeze me in. The ultrasound tech seemed frazzled and rushed, she literally found the heart beat and shooed me out the door. I was on cloud nine after seeing my baby again and knowing that everything was ok. Plus we were leaving that afternoon to visit family for the holidays so I felt reassured that everything was fine. As time passed I started having this bad feeling that I should call and verify that my ultrasound was scheduled on the same day as my check up. I pushed it aside reassuring myself that they knew what they are doing and I was there she told the lady what I needed to schedule. I still had this bad feeling and was very nervous about my cervix. Around that time my morning sickness and fatigue had subsided and we had started having sex again, and once again that bad gut feeling came. I once again reassured myself that it was fine; all the books say it is fine unless your doctor tells you not to. However something felt wrong and both the sex and the ultrasound were nagging at me. Finally my appointment came and I finally was able to see my actual doctor. My doctor did her normal check up routine (which was more than the nurse practitioner did), towards the end of the appointment I was sure I wasnt having my ultrasound that day. So I mentioned to my doctor how I was told I had a short cervix and had been worrying about it for the last four weeks. She was unaware of this and had to look through my file and said yes I the nurse practitioner had put down that my cervix was short. I asked her how short and what was normal length and she was it was only a few cm short and that she wasnt too concerned they just wanted to see where it was at. As I was leaving I made my appointment for an ultrasound on top of my check up and 20 weeks ultrasound. The earliest they could get me in was when I was at 17 weeks and 5 days. So I went to my ultrasound and the tech was measuring my cervix but it looked like a long black tube. I wasnt sure what it was suppose to look like so I thought nothing of it. Before we left the tech slipped up and said that the doctor would be calling me so I knew something wasnt right. I went home and sat on google trying to ease my mind (even though I have been telling myself to stay off it because it only makes things worse), but I googled for an ultrasound of a cervix and a picture of a cervix came up, it pointed out the cervix and then funneling. I knew instantly my cervix was completely funneled based on that picture. I tried to relax. The next day I missed a call from my doctor although she tried to sound calm on my voice mail she sound very concerned and panicked. I tried calling her back but she was out of the office and had to wait to hear from her the next day. So as you can imagine my stomach was in knots and I knew this wasnt good. When she finally called me back she explained that my cervix was starting to open and she was concerned. I was sent to a specialist at 18 weeks. I went in not knowing I was going to be spending the night in the hospital.
First I was given an ultrasound where they started the anatomy scan. We were told that it was a girl and that tech made was very friendly and made us feel at ease. I was then sent to a room where I waited for the specialist to come in she then performed a pelvic exam. I watched the panic set in and she explained that my cervix was about 2 cm dilated and that she could see the membranes. I instantly started to cry I knew this was bad and that baby wouldnt have a chance until 24 weeks. The specialist quickly explained how they could give me a cerclage, it wasnt a guarantee that it would keep me from going into labor but it was a chance that I could make it to the point where the baby would be viable. I agreed to it without hesitation, I knew that would give my baby the best chance of survival. I was told the risks and figured since they were saying I would most likely lose the baby if I didnt get it that I had nothing to lose. So they wheeled me over to the hospital, when we got to where we were suppose to go the girl at the desk said they had changed their mind and sent me to the maternity ward. In my gut I knew the surgeon did not want to give me the cerclage but I decided to try and relax until we were able to talk to her. I got settled in my room and all the nurses were talking like they expected me to give birth that day and it just made me feel like they were going to do it even more. The surgeon and some students and nurses came in and we talked about what was going on. They did yet another pelvic exam and one of the students basically shoved her whole hand up my hoo ha (ouch). They then re-explained what was going on, the surgeon sat down and described the cerclage and how that was an option but she was nervous of popping my amniotic sac and/or tearing my cervix making it more difficult to impossible for future pregnancies. Before they would do that they were going to perform an amniocentesis to make sure there wasnt an infection, they explained if there was an infection they would have me deliver immediately. So they performed the amnio, which most people say is painless or just a little uncomfortable and I am sure it depends on how good your doctor is but mine hurt pretty bad. The doctor who did it seemed like it was her first time and it didnt hurt until she reached my uterus. She was roughly moving the needle around in my uterus and it seriously felt like someone stabbed my uterus with a knife and kept trying to push it in further. What made matters worse was she over shot my uterus and had to pull it out (which was painless) and reinsert it (which was just as painful as the first time). I had some period like cramping and lower backache afterwards but it went away after about an hour and a half. When the doctor (who stuck me) came back to tell us the results, which were normal, she tells me the surgeon has decided to just wait and see how things go. I could tell by her sympathetic look and how she worded it that it meant she where just going to let me lose my baby. I stayed at the hospital overnight for observation. The surgeon was convinced I was having contractions even though I couldnt feel them and the contraction monitor wasnt picking ANYTHING up. I was told to pee in the cup thing hanging in the toilet just in case the baby came out. The next morning the surgeon came in to see how things were going and to tell me how she still thinks I am not a candidate for the cerclage and looked at me sympathetically like sorry youre going to lose you perfect, healthy baby. She told me if I make it to 22-23 weeks they would put me in the hospital and go from there but the chances Id make it there were almost none existent. However they were sending me home on strict bed rest with bathroom privileges.
Ill shorten it up in here. I was on bedrest and everything was going great until 20 weeks and 6 days. I started having some light cramping and back ache, I assumed it was from laying on the couch and gas. As the cramps got more intense my back ache got more intense and spread to my hips (which felt like they were burning) I kept looking at the time to see if they were contractions but they were all over the place so I assumed since they werent regular like my doctor said that it was not contractions. Finally I told my husband and called my mom to see what she thought, she said to call my doctor because its better to be sent home because it was gas than to wait too long and have it be actual labor. Mean while my husband is already trying to get a hold of the doctor who was on call. He calls back and asks what was wrong I explained my pain to him and said it wasnt regular but I have been on bed rest for a few weeks because my cervix was dilated 2cm a few weeks ago. The doctor tells me Drink lots of water and keep your bladder empty and hopefully itll go away, my husband was not happy with that answer and told me to get ready to go to the hospital. My husband called the doctor right back and told him we were leaving to get to the hospital, the doctor told us he would call the hospital and tell them we were coming. On the car ride there my contractions where getting closer and more intense, half way there my water broke and I knew how it was going to end. When we got to the hospital no one knew we were coming and no one believed me when I said I was in labor (because I was only 20 weeks). So while my pain is getting more intense they are asking me a million questions they should have already had on file since my doctor said they would have it on file (back up one second I forgot to add that my doctor told us I let the whole team know your situation so if you call they will take your seriously, that made me feel very uneasy). I wont get into detail of all the stupid things they said and asked but the whole experience made me feel like it was their first birth EVER. They were not in a hurry at all and I told him exactly how I felt and that I have incompetent cervix and it was like they were listening to me. So I kind of yelled at the nurses the baby is in my vagina! I can feel her, finally the one nurse says well let me check you and she pulled her hand out surprised and told me she could feel the baby in the birth canal. Umm DUH!! So she very slowly gets things ready and sent the other slow one to get the delivery cart mean while I give birth to my daughter. They were surprised and still very slow about everything, and they obviously didnt see what time my daughter was born. My daughter laid in between my legs for almost 5 mins, they clamped the cord and cut it (without offering my husband to do it) I thought they were taking their time because she was dead. I seriously had to ask if she was alive, my husband was the only one who answered me. They finally asked me if I was interested in seeing her, umm of course!! And handed her to me saying you understand there is nothing we can do. I just said yes and took my beautiful daughter and stared at her in awe. They didnt wipe her face off, I kept waiting for them to wipe it off (I have no idea what they were doing) finally I insisted they wipe her face because the blood was drying on it. They tried but it was crusted on her face, I was pissed because I wanted to kiss her little face. They were able to get it off for pictures but they discolored her face doing it. They started poking me left and right to get my iv in (literally poked several times on both hands) and then the doctor came in had the nerve to ask So things got worse after we talked?, no they didnt I was in labor then and I just delivered my baby. His stupid question was not worthy of an answer. He then told me he was going to get the placenta out and that it would be very painful so I handed my daughter to my husband so that I didnt squash her if I tensed up in pain. It was painful but what was more painful was watching my husband from across the room crying because our daughter had died in his arms. I am very angry that he couldnt have waited and given us some time with her. What time I had with her was interrupted by the nurses finishing up questions and poking me and what not. I wish I had time with my daughter and husband. I am glad she was with her daddy when she passed but I wish I could have had that moment with him. I felt like the doctor was just digging my placenta out to get to done and go back to bed.
Oh I wanted to add in here that I have since read that I should not have been having sex with a short cervix (incompetent cervix) but no one told me that. I read several places that semen has a hormone that thins and dilates the cervix.
Sorry that was so long but I wanted to make sure I included what I felt was the important part of my story.
I had some really crazy cycles at the end of 2009 through most of 2010. I went to my gyno for a check up to see what was wrong, after some tests everything came back normal. I decided that it was from being overweight (I gained a lot of weight when we moved away from friends and family to the twilight zone) and just the stress of everything going on in my life. After months of on and off bleeding and no real periods I just assumed I was not ovulating and decided to get some book on fertility since we wanted to start trying after our wedding in April 2011. Finally in August I had what I thought was a regular, normal period. My husband (we had a court house wedding) went out of state for work training while I was in the middle of my cycle. He then returned home at the end of September and I never saw my cycle again. I thought for sure my cycle was messed up again and towards the end of October I was experiencing some odd things along with some spotting and sometimes bleeding. I decided to call my gyno and get to the root of this because I didnt want to wait too long if it was something that would cause infertility. I decided to take a pregnancy test so that I could tell my doctor that I took one and it was negative when she asked if I could be pregnant. Much to my surprise there was two pink lines on the test immediately. I told my husband; although it wasnt planned we were excited and happy. We both thought since we had avoided getting pregnant for 6 years that this must be Gods way of telling us it is time.
So I called my doctor to set up an appointment and hopefully find out how far along I was. After much arguing with the nurse about how it was impossible for me to have conceived before Sept. 27th because I didnt have sex until then she agreed to schedule me for an ultrasound. So I went in for my ultrasound and found out I was 10 weeks and 6 days (which showed that we conceived after Sept 27th like I thought), the ultrasound tech noticed that I had a short cervix. Two weeks later (12weeks and 6 days) I had my normal monthly prenatal visit where I had to see this nurse practitioner who tells me about my short cervix. I asked her what that meant (this is my first and I know nothing about these kinds of things and who would without experiencing them or knowing someone who has) and she simply said It just means youre at risk of preterm labor. Youll need another ultrasound in four weeks to check it again. My check up continued and she couldnt find babys heart beat (although I felt she wasnt looking very hard and knew sometimes it is hard to find at 12 weeks). The nurse practitioner started freaking out and rushed me to the secretary to see if I could be squeezed in for a quick ultrasound and to schedule my next prenatal and check up ultrasound. I thought I scheduled my ultrasound and checkup for the same day and then was sent over to the other office for the ultrasound. After about an hour they were able to squeeze me in. The ultrasound tech seemed frazzled and rushed, she literally found the heart beat and shooed me out the door. I was on cloud nine after seeing my baby again and knowing that everything was ok. Plus we were leaving that afternoon to visit family for the holidays so I felt reassured that everything was fine. As time passed I started having this bad feeling that I should call and verify that my ultrasound was scheduled on the same day as my check up. I pushed it aside reassuring myself that they knew what they are doing and I was there she told the lady what I needed to schedule. I still had this bad feeling and was very nervous about my cervix. Around that time my morning sickness and fatigue had subsided and we had started having sex again, and once again that bad gut feeling came. I once again reassured myself that it was fine; all the books say it is fine unless your doctor tells you not to. However something felt wrong and both the sex and the ultrasound were nagging at me. Finally my appointment came and I finally was able to see my actual doctor. My doctor did her normal check up routine (which was more than the nurse practitioner did), towards the end of the appointment I was sure I wasnt having my ultrasound that day. So I mentioned to my doctor how I was told I had a short cervix and had been worrying about it for the last four weeks. She was unaware of this and had to look through my file and said yes I the nurse practitioner had put down that my cervix was short. I asked her how short and what was normal length and she was it was only a few cm short and that she wasnt too concerned they just wanted to see where it was at. As I was leaving I made my appointment for an ultrasound on top of my check up and 20 weeks ultrasound. The earliest they could get me in was when I was at 17 weeks and 5 days. So I went to my ultrasound and the tech was measuring my cervix but it looked like a long black tube. I wasnt sure what it was suppose to look like so I thought nothing of it. Before we left the tech slipped up and said that the doctor would be calling me so I knew something wasnt right. I went home and sat on google trying to ease my mind (even though I have been telling myself to stay off it because it only makes things worse), but I googled for an ultrasound of a cervix and a picture of a cervix came up, it pointed out the cervix and then funneling. I knew instantly my cervix was completely funneled based on that picture. I tried to relax. The next day I missed a call from my doctor although she tried to sound calm on my voice mail she sound very concerned and panicked. I tried calling her back but she was out of the office and had to wait to hear from her the next day. So as you can imagine my stomach was in knots and I knew this wasnt good. When she finally called me back she explained that my cervix was starting to open and she was concerned. I was sent to a specialist at 18 weeks. I went in not knowing I was going to be spending the night in the hospital.
First I was given an ultrasound where they started the anatomy scan. We were told that it was a girl and that tech made was very friendly and made us feel at ease. I was then sent to a room where I waited for the specialist to come in she then performed a pelvic exam. I watched the panic set in and she explained that my cervix was about 2 cm dilated and that she could see the membranes. I instantly started to cry I knew this was bad and that baby wouldnt have a chance until 24 weeks. The specialist quickly explained how they could give me a cerclage, it wasnt a guarantee that it would keep me from going into labor but it was a chance that I could make it to the point where the baby would be viable. I agreed to it without hesitation, I knew that would give my baby the best chance of survival. I was told the risks and figured since they were saying I would most likely lose the baby if I didnt get it that I had nothing to lose. So they wheeled me over to the hospital, when we got to where we were suppose to go the girl at the desk said they had changed their mind and sent me to the maternity ward. In my gut I knew the surgeon did not want to give me the cerclage but I decided to try and relax until we were able to talk to her. I got settled in my room and all the nurses were talking like they expected me to give birth that day and it just made me feel like they were going to do it even more. The surgeon and some students and nurses came in and we talked about what was going on. They did yet another pelvic exam and one of the students basically shoved her whole hand up my hoo ha (ouch). They then re-explained what was going on, the surgeon sat down and described the cerclage and how that was an option but she was nervous of popping my amniotic sac and/or tearing my cervix making it more difficult to impossible for future pregnancies. Before they would do that they were going to perform an amniocentesis to make sure there wasnt an infection, they explained if there was an infection they would have me deliver immediately. So they performed the amnio, which most people say is painless or just a little uncomfortable and I am sure it depends on how good your doctor is but mine hurt pretty bad. The doctor who did it seemed like it was her first time and it didnt hurt until she reached my uterus. She was roughly moving the needle around in my uterus and it seriously felt like someone stabbed my uterus with a knife and kept trying to push it in further. What made matters worse was she over shot my uterus and had to pull it out (which was painless) and reinsert it (which was just as painful as the first time). I had some period like cramping and lower backache afterwards but it went away after about an hour and a half. When the doctor (who stuck me) came back to tell us the results, which were normal, she tells me the surgeon has decided to just wait and see how things go. I could tell by her sympathetic look and how she worded it that it meant she where just going to let me lose my baby. I stayed at the hospital overnight for observation. The surgeon was convinced I was having contractions even though I couldnt feel them and the contraction monitor wasnt picking ANYTHING up. I was told to pee in the cup thing hanging in the toilet just in case the baby came out. The next morning the surgeon came in to see how things were going and to tell me how she still thinks I am not a candidate for the cerclage and looked at me sympathetically like sorry youre going to lose you perfect, healthy baby. She told me if I make it to 22-23 weeks they would put me in the hospital and go from there but the chances Id make it there were almost none existent. However they were sending me home on strict bed rest with bathroom privileges.
Ill shorten it up in here. I was on bedrest and everything was going great until 20 weeks and 6 days. I started having some light cramping and back ache, I assumed it was from laying on the couch and gas. As the cramps got more intense my back ache got more intense and spread to my hips (which felt like they were burning) I kept looking at the time to see if they were contractions but they were all over the place so I assumed since they werent regular like my doctor said that it was not contractions. Finally I told my husband and called my mom to see what she thought, she said to call my doctor because its better to be sent home because it was gas than to wait too long and have it be actual labor. Mean while my husband is already trying to get a hold of the doctor who was on call. He calls back and asks what was wrong I explained my pain to him and said it wasnt regular but I have been on bed rest for a few weeks because my cervix was dilated 2cm a few weeks ago. The doctor tells me Drink lots of water and keep your bladder empty and hopefully itll go away, my husband was not happy with that answer and told me to get ready to go to the hospital. My husband called the doctor right back and told him we were leaving to get to the hospital, the doctor told us he would call the hospital and tell them we were coming. On the car ride there my contractions where getting closer and more intense, half way there my water broke and I knew how it was going to end. When we got to the hospital no one knew we were coming and no one believed me when I said I was in labor (because I was only 20 weeks). So while my pain is getting more intense they are asking me a million questions they should have already had on file since my doctor said they would have it on file (back up one second I forgot to add that my doctor told us I let the whole team know your situation so if you call they will take your seriously, that made me feel very uneasy). I wont get into detail of all the stupid things they said and asked but the whole experience made me feel like it was their first birth EVER. They were not in a hurry at all and I told him exactly how I felt and that I have incompetent cervix and it was like they were listening to me. So I kind of yelled at the nurses the baby is in my vagina! I can feel her, finally the one nurse says well let me check you and she pulled her hand out surprised and told me she could feel the baby in the birth canal. Umm DUH!! So she very slowly gets things ready and sent the other slow one to get the delivery cart mean while I give birth to my daughter. They were surprised and still very slow about everything, and they obviously didnt see what time my daughter was born. My daughter laid in between my legs for almost 5 mins, they clamped the cord and cut it (without offering my husband to do it) I thought they were taking their time because she was dead. I seriously had to ask if she was alive, my husband was the only one who answered me. They finally asked me if I was interested in seeing her, umm of course!! And handed her to me saying you understand there is nothing we can do. I just said yes and took my beautiful daughter and stared at her in awe. They didnt wipe her face off, I kept waiting for them to wipe it off (I have no idea what they were doing) finally I insisted they wipe her face because the blood was drying on it. They tried but it was crusted on her face, I was pissed because I wanted to kiss her little face. They were able to get it off for pictures but they discolored her face doing it. They started poking me left and right to get my iv in (literally poked several times on both hands) and then the doctor came in had the nerve to ask So things got worse after we talked?, no they didnt I was in labor then and I just delivered my baby. His stupid question was not worthy of an answer. He then told me he was going to get the placenta out and that it would be very painful so I handed my daughter to my husband so that I didnt squash her if I tensed up in pain. It was painful but what was more painful was watching my husband from across the room crying because our daughter had died in his arms. I am very angry that he couldnt have waited and given us some time with her. What time I had with her was interrupted by the nurses finishing up questions and poking me and what not. I wish I had time with my daughter and husband. I am glad she was with her daddy when she passed but I wish I could have had that moment with him. I felt like the doctor was just digging my placenta out to get to done and go back to bed.
Oh I wanted to add in here that I have since read that I should not have been having sex with a short cervix (incompetent cervix) but no one told me that. I read several places that semen has a hormone that thins and dilates the cervix.
Sorry that was so long but I wanted to make sure I included what I felt was the important part of my story.
It's absolutely shocking how the hospital looked after, or rather didn't look after you. I don't understand why you were told you would get a cerclage and then the surgeons telling you no. I can't believe they let you deliver into your underwear and left you like that for five minutes. It's horrendous you don't even know the time your baby was born because they were so incompetent. I am so sorry, she is beautiful 
so so tragic .. must be so upsetting , they treated u so badly, and now u are left with so many what if's!!...
