Forced to wait

[sarah2211]

For the majority of my relationship with my DH, prior to being married, we both wanted to TTC for #1, but it was important to him that we were married first. So we waited for almost 4 years. It was hard, but I had a date to look forward to and could reason with that.

My husband and I have been married since January, but I decided to come off the pill in November. We'd been trying but with no luck.

In February, at very short noticed, 6 days before I ovulated, my husband was deployed overseas with the military. We were told it would be a month away, plus we'd need to wait another month because the country has Zika (if he gets Zika that's a 6 month wait). I was so disappointed, so upset that it had been dangled in front of me, then whisked away and that even when I was ovulated once he'd returned, we couldn't try.

Well he was due home in 2 weeks and the military confirmed these dates. But tonight I've found out that they've extended the deployment with no idea when he'll be home. They're talking maybe 4-6 months, leaving him more time to risk being infected by Zika and more time for us to not be trying.

My heart just feels like it's been ripped in two and I can't stop crying. Not only is my husband gone away, less than 2 months after we married, but this TTC carrot was dangled, taken away for what I thought was a short time but could be a whole year.

We were doing everything right by waiting until we were married. We are in such a good position to be trying for a baby and raising a family. I just miss him and want him home. We don't get much communication and I know that he's feeling exactly the same, hurting and we can't even talk about it. All of my friends are either pregnant, have a young family or don't want to even think about babies.

I just don't know what to do. This was what 2016 was going to be about for us but now it's looking likely we won't even get to spend it together or in communication, let alone trying for a baby.

 

[MissYogi]

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with that. It must feel so hard to have to wait again after finally reaching your TTC date. Maybe it could be helpful to try to re-frame this time as a positive, like seeing it as a time to get things organized in your house, save up money, etc. Whenever I get feeling really down about my wait I tell myself that it's a good thing that I will have more money by then and not have to work so quickly afterwards. Or I fixate on small reasons like not wanting the baby's birthday near Christmas. I find even if I know that it's not totally an important reason, it still makes the wait more bearable.

 

[kksy9b]

Massive hugs hun

 

[sarah2211]

Thanks. I guess also being able to wait with my husband who was also waiting made it more bearable. We both wanted to but were waiting together. Now he's away I don't even have him around, I can't even talk to him aside from a few lines of an email every few days that's monitored by the army anyway. I know I shouldn't but when we get this communication I haven't been particularly nice to him about it all. I know he doesn't want to be there either, but I'm taking it out on him and I can't help it.

We've been married less than 3 months and most of that he's spent away, with no communication and now who knows when he'll be back. We're missing his 30th birthday. I can only take annual leave at certain times of the year which was going to be after he got back, but now we will miss that. Even though he'll get stand down, we won't be able to go anywhere because I'll have work. It's not just WTT it's waiting for my husband to come home, which who knows when that'll be.

We are both in a good position financially and I could never go back to work and we'd be alright. I can't find any justification that makes waiting easier. Yet everyone else gets to spend time with their families, don't risk getting Zika, don't get forced to wait, can have all the children they like...

 

[krissie328]

I am so sorry hun! What a tough situation to be in right now. Find something you enjoy, or a new hobby to learn. Do something for pure selfish and personal enrichment.

 

[arturia]

To me, trying to come up with suggestions to make the time pass easier just seems pedantic. So instead I will offer solidarity with . I hope you feel more cheerful soon.

 

[sarah2211]

Thanks. I work full time, but have extra study outside my work hours. Plus friends, exercising, book clubs etc. It doesn't make any easier, the days still just seem slow and he's been away 4 weeks already but it feels like much longer and this only the start

People keep mentioning how hard it must be or saying "well you're never going to start a family if he's not home". How do you respond to that...?!

I've been so horrible lately and he's just been taking it from me. I'm so angry at what the military have done here and I know he's not to blame, but he's just been keeping calm and telling me that he understands and it's not fair and he's trying his best. Then today he sent me an email saying he's bought me a new iPhone (my current phone is about to break) and it'll be arriving in the next few days. It's not even about the iPhone, it just makes me miss and love him even more. I've just been so grumpy with him and still he's being so understanding and giving.

I know it will be over at some point, but it could be a whole year until we can even think about trying again.

 

[MissYogi]

We are always here for when you need to talk about it or rant

 

[krissie328]

I'm so sorry hun. Like Miss MissYogi said we are always here if you need to talk.

 

[sarah2211]

Thank you.

I had a bit of a rough day yesterday. I went to spend Easter with my husband's family. Everyone kept asking about him being away. I was feeling quite fragile and teary already so I didn't want to talk about it. My DH's sister, who asked about when he'd be home, I simply answered "They're not sure, it might be 6 months, but they've been particularly bad at communicating what's happening this time", then started telling me to "get over it", that I knew what I was signing up for and that I needed to "suck it up". Then she spent the day complaining about her husband having to work on Saturday and how unfair that was and that he should be paid twice his salary. I managed to hold back the tears and I just walked away.

They've also sent out their Zika guidelines today. Condoms or abstaining for 3 months once they return. I have a friend whose fiance is also away and they're also wanting to start TTC in the next few months, so it's been SO nice to talk to her and complain together.

 

[krissie328]

I'm glad you have someone else to talk to.


I'm sorry but your sil was so insensitive. It makes me so angry she would act like that.

 

[sarah2211]

Thanks. It still feels really hard today.

Today just being in town and seeing lots of couples with babies or being pregnant. I know when you're feeling this way you just spot them from a mile away. Even reading about people trying for their 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc, is hard to hear when you're still waiting for #1

 

[sarah2211]

So tonight, a girl who was deployed with my husband, but was sent home early had been talking to me. She told me she was so glad she was sent home early and I told her I thought that was a little rude of her say that when I was still waiting for my husband to come home...

just told me... She's pregnant.

My husband had told me, when she was coming home, that I should have less to do with her as possible. I know he was saying this so that I wouldn't be upset by this and I'm not annoyed with him.

But this girl really isn't mother material. I don't care how horrible it is to say. It's just not fair. She's home early and she gets the one thing that I want more than anything..

 

[~curiosity~]

I'm sorry things are so hard at the moment hun that was not nice at all of your sil. I hope it really helps having a friend to speak to going through it with you xx

 

[kksy9b]

i'm sorry its so hard for you right now hun

 

[sarah2211]

Unsurprisingly, it's gone from bad to worse.

We had an army family meeting tonight where they update us on what happening.

They gave us conflicting information about Zika. They said we only needed to wait 1 month. The military advisory says 3 months and I've read that 6 months is recommended.

They denied ever giving an early return home date, even though we were sent a letter with this information and there was the soldier who told us that they'd be home on the earlier date standing there next to him.

Then, they went ahead and read out a list of those who will be coming home this weekend. My husband was one of two not on the list. All the other women and families were cheering, laughing, celebrating. I just couldn't hold back the tears. Then all these women who were still obviously very happy that their partner was coming home tried to offer support. They told me I should be "grateful" my husband isn't in a warzone and there's "only like a 1% chance that he'll die there". And to twist the knife even further, they said I should again be "grateful" I didn't have kids! Then they tried to offer me their phone number so that we could "talk again". I said no thanks.

My friend (who's fiance is coming home) grabbed me by the arm and we left pretty quickly.

I'm at home now, sitting here crying my eyes out. I've already thrown up once from crying so much. All my friends that were there, going through the same thing, now have their partners home this weekend. My husband doesn't know when he'll be home, it could be months.

 

[kksy9b]

No words juwy want to offer my support and hugs

I have several friends who's spouses are in the military and each time its hard to see them step through that time apart. I pray he stays safe and that the wait goes by quickly for you.

With the zika, I think it depends if he gets it or not. From what I recall, if he gets infected, its 6 months but if he isn't infected the recommendation was 1 month.

 

[~curiosity~]

just want you to know I'm thinking of you Hun xxx

 

[broodymrs]

Oh bless you Hun. That's such a tough situation. I'm not sure about zika but my advice would be to try and get yourself as baby ready as possible. Take vitamins, eat healthily, cut back on booze and caffeine and learn about your cycle. Then at least once dh is back you'll hopefully fall pretty quickly. Sending you hugs hun