Found naked women on OH's Twitter so upset am I over-reacting?

[Gemlou78]

Hi, well the other night OH said some stuff in his sleep that made me suspicious (he has always been a sleep talker) it started out sounding like he was being intimate with someone I think he called 'lauren' whispering in a giggly way ect. Then a while later (obviously I couldn't sleep after this) he said either to himself or someone else 'quick shut down (or close) the screen before Gemma comes (that's me!).

He leaves for work before I get up so when he came home I tried to be normal with him but he kept asking if something was wrong. When he went for a shower before bed he left his phone in the living room...I went through it. No texts, nothing on whatsapp except me then went onto his internet...it's set to not keep any history so thought ok not found anything and started to press 'back' button and all of a sudden I was on his twitter (which I didn't know he had) and he was following about 4 half naked women they looked like porn stars or with baywatch bodies. I clicked on these women to be taken to their pages where they tweet about sex stuff and men tweet about what they want to do to them. I couldn't find anything my partner has posted but it's made me so upset I feel sick and haven't slept.

He went on the defensive and shouted at me that he has done nothing wrong it's 'just all a bit of fun' 'what they tweet is funny you can tell it's all fake' but nothing I read sounded funny it was sex talk. I feel like he is treating me like a fool. I asked him what is lacking in our sex life that he would search for these women's pages is it because my body is changing and I'm sometimes tired? He shouted again 'nothing you are over thinking it why don't you believe me'

He immediately deleted his twitter from the phone I never asked him to. I have just signed up to twitter to see how it works and you do have to search for these people and click to follow them. I can't imaging he typed 'funny naked women' into the search engine. More like 'sex' or 'naked women' I'm swinging between upset and fuming. My heart is pounding and I'm not sure how to move on from it which I know may have to do with feeling insecure whilst pregnant.

Sorry for the long post but what do you think? How would you feel? x

 

[Inoue]

Really upset like you are hun. Im so sorry you've found them images, its quite upsetting when your going through the challenge of pregnancy . Its pretty much a given that guys look at porn, me and DH are on no sex due to being high risk and I have no doubt he looks at other women online, but I draw the line if he did it through FB, Twitter or any dating site. He knows that boundary and he woude be in a heap of trouble if he went against that. If your OH has deleted twitter then 'maybe' he knows it was a step too far. All you can do is keep an eye on it hun, its heartbreaking but monitor it x

 

[Gemlou78]

I know he loves me but I just don't find it acceptable at all and part of me wishes I'd never looked but now when I close my eyes that's all I can see. I'm so upset. How can I let him touch me know and feel happy and secure? We are meant to be going with our parents to look at a wedding venue on Sat morning. I'm devastated I know he hasn't physically done anything but it still feels like I've been betrayed

 

[Inoue]

Oh sweetie . If its really eating you up then try and sit down with him and calmly discuss how it makes you feel when he has them images on his account. He doesn't need to raise his voice to you or make you feel that your in the wrong for questioning him. Im in a marriage and im guessing your not far off if your looking at venues, you really need to discuss this with him before Saturday. He may not have an answer to 'why' he looked at them women but try and understand each others boundaries x

 

[Gemlou78]

I'm a mess it's really really upset me you are right I do need to talk to him. I love him and want to move past it but his excuse of 'their post's are funny' are just insulting, as if he'd searched for funny it would be comedians on there not naked women! aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!!!! I think he does know he has done wrong but he'll be dammed if he will admit it.

I feel like he has ruined what would have been an exciting day on Sat but I know he will see it as ME ruining it for looking through his phone! x

 

[MrsCrad]

I can understand why your upset but Im sure your partner didnt think it would hurt you as much as it has. He probably found out about the girls from friends or work collegues and didn't go out searching for them.
As Inoue said you need to sit down and tell him not to shout at you and listen to your side of it and how it makes you feel.

Im not defending his actions but maybe hes just a typical bloke and never really thought of what it would do to you?
Try not to stress to much, I know its easy to say it but it will only make you get more upset xx

 

[AP]

I can imagine how he ended up on it tbh, twitter is heaving with those kind of accounts that end up following me, they are pretty much spam at the end of the day

 

[MindUtopia]

I would say, I think it depends what sort of things you are both comfortable with in your relationship and have you talked about what your boundaries are before? To me that sounds like kinda the same this as porn. Those aren't usually 'real' women, they're probably just websites that sell something (it might be porn or it might be something else entirely, like AtomicPink said, many are also spam just out to steal your login details and whatnot) that set up accounts like that to interact with people and steer them towards their websites or send them viruses, etc. They aren't real women though, like on a dating website, they're fat dudes who are hackers or computer programmers. lol Also, on Twitter, unless you set your account to private anyone can add themselves as your friend without your permission, so he probably didn't even add them, but they just showed up one day and he was too naive to realize they were spam and didn't delete them.

Are you comfortable with him looking at porn? Have you talked about it before? Me personally, I wouldn't be bothered with my husband looking at porn since I know it's not 'real'. It's just fantasy and entertainment. He wouldn't have a problem with me looking at it either. Now if you and your husband have talked about porn and it's known in your relationship that it's absolutely not acceptable, then that's something you guys need to work out. If he was sending explicit messages to an actual real person who he knew and intended to meet up with, now that would really upset me. Because that's not acceptable under any circumstances (unless you have an open relationship, but that's a whole different story...). It sounds like he was just looking at porn and erotic websites and got caught and probably reacted like that because he felt embarrassed. If that's the extent of it, it doesn't sound like he meant to hurt you in any way, but just didn't think about how you'd feel if you found out he'd been looking at those pictures. I'd just talk with him about in when you're both calm and decide how to approach these sorts of things in the future. Maybe he didn't know it would bother you because to him (and most men) it does seem like harmless entertainment. But you guys definitely need to talk it out so he knows how you feel about that sort of thing and can change his behavior in the future. Sorry you've been so upset!

 

[Gemlou78]

When I asked how long he had had them he said a week or so, he would of said if they had looked at them in work. He had no friends on his twitter only a couple of bands he likes, sports thing and these women. He had subscribed to them nobody was subscribed to him.

I'm pretty sure as well that I would be upset pregnant or not but it's more hurtful because I am and we tried for this child and had an early loss back in November. I have to put up with his phyco ex and sex wise we have always been really active. Even now with being tired we are on average 4 times a week so it's not like he is going without I know non pregnant couples who are more like once a week if that!

Sorry ranting again. I appreciate all who are replying xx

 

[helena]

Try and not over react, he isn't cheating. Men do find pictures of other women attractive. That's just the way it is. It probably has no reflection On what he feels for you.
I hate the porn industry in general, but the one use I feel it does provide is a small place in the world where men, and women, can look but not touch. I bet it saves many affairs and marriages. Maybe twitter accounts like this are the same. It fuels the imagination without cheating.
It would upset me but I would rather than than he had an affair.
just be open with each other about what you like.
We can't expect to be the only woman in the world our partners will find attractive.

 

[Gemlou78]

I know everyone who passes a good looking person in the street will think 'umm there nice' or whatever...but for me it's a big difference to going looking for a certain type on something like twitter.

He pretty much admitted adding them a week or so ago..saying 'it's just a laugh what they post is funny' which is wasn't it was full of sex and pics and men saying what they'd do to them.

I know plenty of men in love with their partners who don't feel the need to do this sort of thing I also know plenty of men unhappy who don't and do do things like this. We are planning a wedding and having a baby I thought my partner was in the category who didn't do this sort of thing till hearing what he said in his sleep then finding what i did on his phone.

I know I need to move forward I don't want my relationship to end I just need him to be honest with me about why so we have something to work with! x

 

[Inoue]

You said it hun. You sometimes have to treat men like children and prise the truth out of them. A few years ago I found our laptop was heaving with porn images and I was so shocked at the time as I had no idea. I confronted DH and he blatantly lied to my face and said it wasnt him... There only me and him in the house so unless we had a horney pet gremlin hiding under the stairs, it was him. In the end, I was more upset he had the face to lie to me instead of what he was looking at. That was before our marriage. Even now a few years later, I asked him last night if he's ok to 'look after himself' and then I jokingly said "I hope you think about me!", he just looked at me with a grin and no reply, I then said "You know what, I dont want to know". Does it bother me? Yeh, a little bit. But hes a guy with an imagination and ill be damed if id ruin my life because of it.

Your OH attitude is clearly whats grating on you, also just 'how' he got them images. Try and get him to open up to you, it may be more embaracing for him to be open but you need to know so stay open minded x

 

[ninamama]

I had a similar experience with my hubby, we have the google thing where it tells u the favourite or most visited pages, and one of them was a proper hard porn website. I found it pretty disturbing even though I try to be liberal and I always said I dont mind porn, when I realised he was watching enough of it to show up on the favourites, it made me feel really insecure. Also the kind of porn he was watching was slightly on the over the top side which made it feel even worse. I am in two minds about porn. However much I tell myself its normal and not to take it personal, I cant help myself and dont like the thought of hubby drooling over other women.

 

[helena]

Remember it's fantasy, not reality. That's what it comes down to.
Xx

 

[blinkava]

Try not to get upset, but he obviously didn't do it to hurt you. I think you should have a talk with him telling him how you feel, but also know that we aren't the only things our hubby's find attractive. I'm sure he feels awful about this!!!

 

[TwilightAgain]

Definitely not overreacting. I have no issues with porn and what not but if I found out my OH was following naked women on twitter then i'd be pretty upset too.

 

[katee82]

Hmm it's very difficult to comment based on the fact that everyone is basically on a sliding scale of what they consider acceptable or not... Many women can't tolerate their man even looking at another woman in the street whereas other couples are very open minded and enter into the whole swinging side of things whilst still maintaining a happy relationship.. I suggest this is a case where your idea of acceptable and your OH's ideas have just gone out of kilter - look at the bigger picture, he's not cheated, he's obviously committed to you and you state yourself you have a good sex life... He made a mistake and he has apologised (and deleted the offending pages) so hopefully this should give you comfort enough to forgive him and move past this.... If he does anything remotely like it again, that would be the time to go on the offensive and give him hell.

 

[Gemlou78]

I just feel like I don't know him like I thought I did and yet we are having a baby and supposed to be planning a wedding. He hasn't apologised he just went on the defensive but deleted his account.

What really hurts is I love him and don't feel the need to go following naked men with big bits and muscles...he is enough for me. When I told him I'd seen his twitter he knew exactly what I'd seen straight away without me having to even say so he knew full well. Also it had been open so he had been looking at it all and he has been sat messing with his phone alot lately. So is he doing that while I'm sat there and in work and when he is in the bathroom?

I think the bottom line is if he feels the need to do this sort of thing I'm NOT the woman for him..he should be with someone if finds it ok for her man to ogle other women...that's never going to be me and to be honest I don't think it's a lot of women. Everyone is different I appreciate that it's just made me re-evaluate my whole relationship. I've not slept I can't eat I just wish he was home from work so we can attempt to get to the bottom of this without him insulting my intelligence telling me 'their updates are funny'

 

[MindUtopia]

I think it sounds like from what you said that your expectations of what's okay and his expectations of what's okay in your relationship have been different, and you both just need to sit down and talk about it. The reality is that most guys do look at porn, so if you hadn't talked explicitly about your feelings about that before, he might just not have known how you felt. He did delete his account and that's a great sign that he is sensitive to your feelings, even if he is still playing it off as not a big deal (that's probably the only way he can deal with his embarrassment). Just talk about it when you're both calm and set some boundaries for what you expect out of your relationship, and then move forward from there.

Though if it makes you feel any better, going back to what you said about him talking in his sleep, I have dreams of a sexual nature quite often that involve men other than my husband. In my waking life, I would be absolutely repulsed by this sort of thing, and have no interest in other men at all. My husband and I have a perfect marriage and a happy, fulfilling sex life. But sometimes the subconscious mind is really weird. I've had times when I fell asleep worrying about my husband's friend coming to stay with us for the weekend (I was afraid I'd forget to put the sheets for the guest room in to wash the next morning) and bam, I had a weird dream that I had sex with my husband's friend! Yuck! I certainly don't like this friend like that in any way, and in fact, I don't like any other men in that way. But sometimes weird things happen in your dreams and it's not a sign I don't love or respect my husband. It just happens because we're human and we can't always control our brains when we aren't conscious. Try not to read too much into it.

 

[Mrs5707]

I'm pretty shocked at how many women think it's "normal" or just "a guy thing" and that they all look at porn. My husband does NOT look at that trash and if I found out he did we would have BIG problems. I don't blame you Gemma for being so upset. I would be having a serious sit-down with him before any further wedding arrangements were made so that he FIRMLY understood the boundaries of what acceptable behavior is on his part.

BTW: My name for my baby is Gemma if it's a girl! Thought that was cool!