Found naked women on OH's Twitter so upset am I over-reacting?

[Gemlou78]

Thank you to everyone who has responded. Mrs5707 that's a lovely coincidence about the name

My palms are sweating at the thought of the convo we need to have about this when he get's home. I'm thinking I may let him read through these comments so he can see it's not just me who feels this way. He know's I'm hurt but even I can't put into words how upset I am over this. It's spoiled what should be a happy time in my life I don't feel like I can even look at him to be honest.

I hope we can find a way to move forward. I hope he can find a way to rebuild the trust I just feel so so let down and confused. x

 

[sunshinelds]

I think it's pretty serious too. I'd have major reservations about marrying him. Some women have said that it's okay becuase it's fantasy...well, unfaithfulness starts somewhere and I bet it rarely starts as a full-blown affair. Also, consider your own feelings. If it were me, I would feel as hurt as if it HAD been a full blown affiar. I've read of women on here (upon discovering their husband is looking at porn) feeling horrible, being upset, sad, and worthless and feeling like they've been cheated on (but are confused, casue it wasn't a "real" person)...It hurts... It really hurts because it IS real. Your feelings ARE real, not "fantasy."

For my husband and I, faithfulness begins with the heart and mind. Porn is an addiction, and it that ever crossed our path, we would recieve marriage and addiction counseling because it would affect both of us in different, disturbing ways. We had that convo before marriage, and thankfully he is a man of character and realizes that it is an addiction and to stay away from it like the plague. It ruins marriages and self-respect.

I know this may not be the "politically correct" or "popular" opinion...but really? Really??? It's acceptable?? I personally believe men are capable of harnessing their minds and bodies. I support my husband in being and becoming a wonderful man, father, and husband who will teach our daughters to love and respect themselves and teach our sons to cherish and respect women...and that starts with how the father treats his wife. "Real" or not, porn is not respectful towards women nor being fully faithful to wives. Also, to those to see no harm- addictions tend to escalate. When a certain level of promisuity doesn't "do it for them" anymore, they seek harder stuff... and then harder stuff... and sure, some may never cross the "virtual" line, but by then, they've eroded their own self-character so far that they aren't the same person. This stuff is SO destructive to the self and to relationships... why would anyone want to take that chance? Just google porn addiction and family... to see the terrible stories and also ways to help your loved one.

That being said, we all have faults. Give him a chance if you feel that he is enlightened or that this was just an experiement. Give him all the tools to understand how to fight against it and understand just how harmful it is for a family and your relationship.

 

[Terangela]

Sorry this has happened to you! I would find it unacceptable. My DH is on twitter too, but all his follows are hockey, airline and people he actually knows or companies he is associated with. No naked or half naked chicks or sex talk. That would be the end of twitter for him. I think looking and actively looking at other naked women is disrespectful and leads to more temptation for doing more later.

 

[sunshinelds]

Also, as a continuation... if you truly love him, and he truly wants to change (whether it was a one-time deal or more than that)... just love him. He needs a truly loving, and supportive woman by him that he can trust and knows that you will always be there for him, even in the hard times. Your relationship CAN heal, but it does take two. And then it takes a lot of work and continuing work. Also, I recommend a CD set called "For All Eternity" by Dr. John Lund. Implementing the advice and skills for communication has does amazing things for our marriage and it can help teach you both how to talk about the hard stuff.

 

[Mrs5707]

I think it's pretty serious too. I'd have major reservations about marrying him. Some women have said that it's okay becuase it's fantasy...well, unfaithfulness starts somewhere and I bet it rarely starts as a full-blown affair. Also, consider your own feelings. If it were me, I would feel as hurt as if it HAD been a full blown affiar. I've read of women on here (upon discovering their husband is looking at porn) feeling horrible, being upset, sad, and worthless and feeling like they've been cheated on (but are confused, casue it wasn't a "real" person)...It hurts... It really hurts because it IS real. Your feelings ARE real, not "fantasy."

For my husband and I, faithfulness begins with the heart and mind. Porn is an addiction, and it that ever crossed our path, we would recieve marriage and addiction counseling because it would affect both of us in different, disturbing ways. We had that convo before marriage, and thankfully he is a man of character and realizes that it is an addiction and to stay away from it like the plague. It ruins marriages and self-respect.

I know this may not be the "politically correct" or "popular" opinion...but really? Really??? It's acceptable?? I personally believe men are capable of harnessing their minds and bodies. I support my husband in being and becoming a wonderful man, father, and husband who will teach our daughters to love and respect themselves and teach our sons to cherish and respect women...and that starts with how the father treats his wife. "Real" or not, porn is not respectful towards women nor being fully faithful to wives. Also, to those to see no harm- addictions tend to escalate. When a certain level of promisuity doesn't "do it for them" anymore, they seek harder stuff... and then harder stuff... and sure, some may never cross the "virtual" line, but by then, they've eroded their own self-character so far that they aren't the same person. This stuff is SO destructive to the self and to relationships... why would anyone want to take that chance? Just google porn addiction and family... to see the terrible stories and also ways to help your loved one.

That being said, we all have faults. Give him a chance if you feel that he is enlightened or that this was just an experiement. Give him all the tools to understand how to fight against it and understand just how harmful it is for a family and your relationship.

I agree with you times a million... nobody has ever made that point as well as I've just read. I get so sick of hearing "it's a guy thing" and "they all do it".. maintaining these ideals and perspectives is why men continue to behave like cavemen in a lot of instances and how most affairs begin. If you give an inch, they're going to take a mile. THat's just being HUMAN. If more women would put their foot down and stop allowing this trash to invade their homes and relationships and stop writing if off as "well they're just pretending or it's not real" then a lot of the cheating and divorces would cease to exist.

Faithfulness begins with the heart and mind - will be using that quote again. This is so true. And Unfaithfulness begins in the very same place - with the imagination in the mind, then leads to the heart, then goes into physical action.

 

[Stelly]

Well- obviously there is a wide variety of opinions. I think your husband is taking the right step by deleting it right when you said it was a problem. You do need to sit down and discuss though.

I personally dont think porn = path to affair... my husband works away from home half the year + and men are visual creatures. Maybe send your hubby naughty pictures of you as a go to for dirty photos? Dont let this ruin your weekend plans. My hubby doesnt.have twitter but has a few FB friends like playboy/ other model/porn people- I just ask him not to "like" or "comment" on.the photos cause I dont want to see it on my wall lol.

It sounds like you guys may have some other trust issues to work out, just from reading about searching.through all his stuff secretly. Not to be rude or mean, I just know for myself that I would have to be having huge misgivings/doubt/mistrust about.my.hubby to search through all of his things.

 

[helena]

If you are happy and content and secure in your relation ship looking at pictures shouldn't unnerve everything.
My husband is a decent man, possibly the most dedicated to his family man I have ever known, but I am sure he may see them odd page 3 girl every now and then, or a picture on a friends fb wall and think " COr blimey look at those hum-dingers!". It doesn't make him bad. Appreciating bodies makes us all human, we can't be the perfect wife, home maker, mother and sex kitten! He loves YOU.
Having a look at what you dont see every day is just a bit exciting and naughty, nothing else. Its silly.
Love is above all else, and it will win at the end of the day. All other stuff doesn't eally matter if you trust your partner. Talk, you can get this sorted, it doesn't really matter.

 

[Gemlou78]

I would never have peeked at his phone only due to what he said in his sleep and noticing him on his phone alot more.my instincs were telling me something wasn't right. X

 

[helena]

Oh just one more thing to add. We don't always have to have the same opinion on things as our partners, even things like this. It's ok to have different views. He is his own person, and you are you. It's all fine, you guys can still work even if he prefers curry and you prefer salads! he likes to see naked boobies, you don't like to see naked willies. That's fine. I think most women (me!) don't need to see male porn...let's face it, willies are ugly! Lol.
It will all Be fine, you see xx

 

[Blah11]

It doesnt bother me too much, more a '' type reaction. My OH liked naked selfies, fhm, maxim, wank bank etc on facebook. it is disrespectful but it doesnt upset me & I know its no reflection on me.

 

[Butterfly89]

I'm sorry, but I disagree with basically everyone else here. Porn is not acceptable to me and if my OH was looking at porn behind my back, I would leave. We have discussed this issue before and he says he is not into it. To me, it's not cheating, no, but its very insulting. Porn causes A LOT of problems in society; they've now linked it with impotence in men as young as 17 to 35 because men have these visual "ideals" now based on porn where women are shaved perfectly, having vaginal "rejuvenation", implants, perfect blonde hair, etc... and it's causing their brains to be wired to only respond to those kind of images. So they get their beautiful lovely maybe a bit curvy wife in front of them, and they can't get it up. Or they only respond physically to their own... uhm.. hand, to be blunt, lol. It's actually an issue. It's also teaching very poor values in general.. It's shallow, many of the women are demeaned and treated badly in those videos, etc.

I'm not saying EVERY guy who watches a couple videos here and there is going to turn into an impotent abusive jerk, but as a whole, easily accessible porn is causing major issues in society and relationships. It ruins relationships actually, not saves them.

Not to mention, those women are often women who were abused, who are addicted to drugs, in desperate situations, etc. and are being exploited. Anyone who supports that industry in any way, like going on those sites, free or not, is not someone I want to be with.

However - I agree; Twitter is full of that crap and I have even had those bot accounts try to "friend" me on there, lol. I wouldn't say this is sign of a porn addiction or even that he looks at other porn, but I think he needs to sit down with you and discuss it like an adult without freaking out and acting like its an inquisition! You have a right to know and a right to be reassured!

 

[katieeandbump]

I'd deffinately be upset hun, not so much at what he's looking at more that I'd feel betrayed almost... Why did he not tell u he had twitter? Well we obviously know why.. If their was nothing wrong with what he was doing (and if he didn't see anything wrong with it and its all just 'fun') then why keep it from u? I'd be pissed off too! And why is his browser set to not save history? Hmmm! Hope u work it out.. I wouldn't leave him over it though I'd just make sure he knew how hurtful it was to me xxxxx

 

[Porcelain]

I would personally be upset over this.
My husband watches porn sometimes, but it's never a secret. I was a little concerned when I saw it when I was on his computer the other day (he hasn't watched porn in a long while) and when I asked him about it he very gently explained he'd been uncomfortable initiating anything because of my mental and physical state (I haven't exactly shown interest lately...). He works in video production so sometimes when he's casting he gets lewd pictures from girls, but it's pretty apparent they're trying to get the role however they can (and sometimes this goes on during auditions/productions while I'm THERE!)
However, if I did ever find a secret porn stash, I'd be livid. It's one thing to take care of yourself when your OH isn't available or the mood and you're in need, it's another thing to be hiding it from your OH. I would be very upset if I found him secretly following porn star types on twitter. We're open with each other about our 'celebrity crushes', but I think secretly following somebody on twitter/ facebook/ myspace or whatever other platform is a different thing entirely.
It sounds like he understands that he's done bad by his deleting all his twitter stuff, so I wouldn't throw him out the door straight away. I'd try to have a very open and honest conversation with him and try to be patient, even using a counselor if that's necessary- if your first few conversations don't clear things up and you still want to move forward with the relationship. Maybe it was an unintended slight and he didn't realize that he would hurt you so bad and didn't understand that he can/needs to be open and honest with you.
Whatever the case take a deep breath and remember we're here for you. The conversation will be tough, but you'll get through it and hopefully you'll get it all sorted out and your relationship will be stronger because of it.

 

[mizzywizzy]

i wouldnt worry too much about it. Men will be men and thats what they like to do - look at porn and naken women. I'd be fuming though if he actually hooked up with one of these women and had sex.

 

[mizzywizzy]

I'm pretty shocked at how many women think it's "normal" or just "a guy thing" and that they all look at porn. My husband does NOT look at that trash and if I found out he did we would have BIG problems. I don't blame you Gemma for being so upset. I would be having a serious sit-down with him before any further wedding arrangements were made so that he FIRMLY understood the boundaries of what acceptable behavior is on his part.

BTW: My name for my baby is Gemma if it's a girl! Thought that was cool!

the reality is that it is normal for men to look at porn. Not ALL men in the world look at porn, but a majority to. sorry.

 

[Stelly]

I personally don't think you can get that upset at him if this isn't a conversation you two have had before. If this is the first time the topic has come up- the man's not a mind reader. You need to sit down and discuss how you feel and set some ground rules.

Now- if no porn/nudies is a rule you as a couple have already agreed upon and he was still doing it behind your back- I can see how that would be a problem and would be very upset.

If you have discussed with your spouse the issue and agreed that occasional porn/nudies is fine as long as its open and honest. That's ok too.

There is no "right" answer. Its just what each couple individually agrees upon. To be honest, I think porn is kind of like liquor, it's a certain type that is responsible in moderation and a certain type that becomes an alcoholic.

 

[Jess19]

iv been through the same thing as you, and reacted the same, its not ok mostly because he's doing it behind your back, and that's unacceptable.

I found porn sites on my DHs phone and flipped! I have made attempts to watch porn with him and he won't do it. I've also spent all night doing my hair and make up all sexy and took some xxx pics for him while he was out one night. I've tried dirty talking to him like the girls do and STILL I find he's looking at porn when I'm not home.
I've told him how much it hurts me and that if I find porn again (its happened quite a few times) that I'm not going to forgive him because he now KNOWS it hurts me.
All the site he looks at are titled big boobs or double D etc..... I'm an A cup (before pregnancy) so it hurts my self esteem know he likes a girls with big boobs and not what I'm equipt with.
Ever since iv became prego he's been a good boy. Idk if he's really done with the porn or he's happy that I'm a C cup now and has what he likes at home.
I just wish he would open up a little more sexually with me. I'm not a prude and would do anything to please him.....I don't think he realizes how lucky he has it

I know what your going through and I hope you two can work it out.
Talking is going to make a big difference

 

[Livsmom]

I agree with Jess19 that the part that you are probably most upset about is because it was behind your back. I would personally be pissed! I hate when my DH hides stuff...I think it is basically lying. I do know that my husband looks at stuff on his laptop and we each have our own so I don't even bother looking to see what it is. I used to obsess over it but decided whatever! At the end of the day you are the one he is choosing to sleep next to. I would talk to him and tell him if he wants to watch porn, then do it together or at least be honest. If he wants to talk to other girls, then get the hell out. That is not ok!! I hope you work it out and everything is ok. Mostly I hope you work it out in your head and YOU feel ok. Try not to take it as an insult to you. I think sometimes men are just turned on by the forbidden.

 

[Wildfire81]

I'm a mess it's really really upset me you are right I do need to talk to him. I love him and want to move past it but his excuse of 'their post's are funny' are just insulting, as if he'd searched for funny it would be comedians on there not naked women! aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!!!! I think he does know he has done wrong but he'll be dammed if he will admit it.

I feel like he has ruined what would have been an exciting day on Sat but I know he will see it as ME ruining it for looking through his phone! x

Let me tell a small story about something that happened to me right after I had my son (via c-section).
We were going to my FIL house, and he forgot the diaper bag, so went home to get it and was gone for 2 hours. We live 3 miles away, but I did not question him. Here is the part where I lose my cool. I was sorting my laundry and I noticed he had used one of MY shirts as his cum rag. Thats right,MY shirt!
I lost it on him, and he blamed me, saying he HAD to watch internet porn because I wasn't putting out and he has needs. Then he went off on me saying, why did you sort your laundry anyway, you never do that. It was almost the last day he was my husband. I know men look at porn, jack off to it, or whatever, I am not an idiot. But to use my things and on the pretense that he forgot the diaper bag for our newborn son, I could have killed him on the spot. So, I understand what it feels like to feel betrayed, like you.
It was a few days before I cooled down enough to talk about the situation. I cant say for sure what I would do if I were you, but when you are able, I suggest talking to him, because men really are THAT clueless to what will hurt us, make us feel insecure or bad about ourselves. So sorry for ranting like that, just brought up an all to recent incident.

 

[Gemlou78]

Well we spoke last night but before I get into that I just wanted to say I respect we all have different opionions on this and thanks to everyone who has taken the time to respond. Also just to say this IS a topic we have spoken on before a good while ago when he was showing me somthing on his youtube I saw in the history 'naked babes' I went mad so he does know how I feel on the topic..in actual fact this time what he has done is worse. That time he conviced me that someone in work had used his phone to show the lads somthing on youtube. So now I don't believe that either! I hadn't wanted to say before as I do love him and knew the comment's may be harsher if I'd said.

He is sticking to 'it was just a laugh I wasn't thinking when I followed them. Il'm sorry I will never do it again give me another chance' my point is how do I know he's going to 'not think' again....after already promising not to do things like this before. I asked him if he'd done this sort of thing behind his ex's back 'yes but that's different there was absolutely no sex life there with us' .....well then why do this to me? His response 'it wasn't to get off it was just a laugh I wasn't thinking'. Well I have two weeks to pay the deposit (that I'VE saved for with no help from him) on our wedding venue. There was only one date in the month we wanted..so I have alot of thinking to do. I'm wearing my engagement ring on the other hand and although he slept in the same bed as me I slept clothed and I can't bear him to touch me. I hope it passes but I'm not sure it will.

I'm not a prude I'm similar to you Jess19 there are probably things we do in our sex life that not everyone does but it's about being totally involved in eachothers sex life...no secrets and no lies. No lies is the main one for me which he knew when we 1st met. He is saying this wasn't sexual but I saw what was on there it bloody well was!!!! I feel completly betrayed and don't know how to trust him again. And I'm mad at him because I feel he has now ruined my sex life. I don't want him to see or touch my pregnant body when the fact he has done this makes me feel like it's a turn off for him...like I'm not enough for him. Like I would just be the hole he put's it in while he thinks of the slut's he has followed on twitter!