This is how I feel an I wrote it to DH
duno whats gonna happen
The things you say to me you can never take back……that’s why I scream please Lord please Lord help me I don’t know what to do and I’m listening please tell me what to do….over the sound of you yelling at me and hurting me deep down inside.
I cry and I cry til I can’t cry anymore tears of woe. My heart is torn into two pieces….
Then the only person I have left goes to you first instead of me- her own daughter- does she not care about me? Does she not love me? What would my father say about all of this? These are questions I’ll never have answered…..
My mother didn’t even believe me when my first husband would beat the pulp out of me an then say its all my fault--why would she believe me now? You my husband NOW have thrown me across the room and battered me up a bit...and where was my own mother then? Right by your side...."Are you okay?"…….Why do I deserve so much pain an so much heart ache….will my life ever be “livable” ….or do I need to suffer constant pain my whole life because God wants to punish me for something? Which is agreeable to me I deserve punishment for all the wrong I’ve done in the past….without a doubt!
Then my own husband have the thought to make some lie up about him YELLING constantly at my 7 year old innocent son to get “HIMSELF” attention from me….what a bullshit lie!
No wonder my son acts the way he does when my husband is home….no wonder…..he gets it honest from his step father.
I’ve bit my lip so many times and now I’ve bit so hard I REFUSE to speak to my own mother…..I guess because she’s never believed me or ever been there for me when I’ve needed her most no one knows how the pain hurts so deep down inside it cuts well worse than a knife.
I am to the point I give up on my own life….I don’t care about myself, don’t take care of myself, and don’t care about anyone else at this point. I don’t want to live on this earth any longer…..and I’m begging the Lord to take me home….that’s where I need to be….that’s where I long for……peace, happiness, sounds of a river flowing, laying in the sunlight--- no money issues, just to be carefree, have no worries, no sadness---nothing but happiness---that’s what I long for.
In the end yes I may have spent too much time online---but its nothing you can fix…its nothing you can help…..but its my only get away…that’s where all my friends….family…..and a release are….and I need it quite often with the way I‘m treated by everyone I know---but I was not online all the time when we were at your parents….I was online at most 2 hours a day…that was after the kids went to bed and I was so bored of watching TV---I HATE watching TV----I hate being so bored all day long with NOTHING to do----The times have changed and there is so much technology….but your always playing your video games and I say not a word to you. Last night I waited patiently for you to finish your game an to spend time with me….then we get in bed and you want to play rough---I HATE PLAYING ROUGH….I hate getting hurt and you are stronger than you think you are and you hurt me so I got upset an said NEVERMIND THEN I’m going to bed…..
I want a sincere passionate husband to comfort me when I’m hurting (which you don’t normally do) I want someone to hug me tightly an tell me its all going to be ok (You tell me it’ll be ok but its blunt and without emotion when you say this to me) I need a man who is more in touch with me mind, body, and soul---not a man who dreams of having sex with many other women…..that’s not ME that’s NOT who I AM….if that’s what you want then we shouldn’t be married…..
THE END
maybe give up on ttc for fw nth ntnp and focus on your relationship its very easy to get obsessed with ttc,trust me im one crazy lady 
ur lil one is only a yr old x
like the longer this pregnancy will blimming take now lol
is just around corner 
