Gender disappointment :(

[Tess08]

Hi ladies,

I really need some advice about dealing with gender disappointment. I didn't even think I was that bothered about the sex of my baby until we found out yesterday that he is a boy and ever since, I have felt heartbroken. I am absolutely disgusted with myself for feeling like this and I am riddled with guilt because I know that I should just be happy that my baby is healthy! I am in work and everytime someone asks me what the baby is (because they knew we were having a gender scan yesterday) I feel like I'm going to burst into tears. I haven't spoken any of this out loud to anyone because I am so ashamed of myself and I don't want to be judged. My husband is absolutely over the moon we are having a boy and I don't want to say anything that might rain on his parade. Please tell me I'm not the only one who has ever gone through this? And if there is anyone else out there who has felt like this, please tell me it won't last long? I feel so awful because I know there are people who really struggle to have children so I should be happy with any gender. I just always pictured 2 little girls in my head and now I feel like I am grieving for the second little girl I will never have x

 

[whatwillbex]

Don't be so hard on yourself. I've seen lots of threads like these so your not alone. Everything is heightend with our hormones and sometimes theres such a big build up bit like Christmas with gender scans. Hey, one of each. Once that baby is in your arms you may feel different. I think this happens to a lot of women so don't feel you are the only one x

 

[SonnyH]

I agree. If you had a set image in mind of what you thought your family would be like, it's a shock that it'll be different! But it'll all be OK. You have plenty of time to get your head around having a little boy and I think eventually you'll probably be quite excited about and wonder why you felt so upset! Even if it takes until he's in your arms, I'm sure the moment he is, all your worries or disappointment will just disappear! And hey, you've achieved many people's dream of experiencing one of each!

I have always really wanted a little boy, I always was the odd one of my friends in wanting one over a girl. Weirdly, when I got pregnant, I kinda felt like I knew it was a girl and sure enough she is! I'm now totally in girl mode (although I don't really do pink.. but I like the florals, yellows & greens!) and wouldn't have it any other way! I'm really excited

Give yourself a few days to absorb everything and maybe start looking at some more boyish clothes or think of names etc to get yourself in that zone! There is some lovely boy stuff out there!

 

[pinkpassion]

There's a whole section on gender disappointment, check it out! I'm sure you'll feel better! I think it's completely normal and you're certainly not alone!! You've got time and it will grow on you!! This is just a season!

 

[Tess08]

Thanks ladies. It's nice to be able to speak about it and not feel like I'm being grilled. After I posted this I mentioned to my sister how I'm feeling and she just snapped at me saying 'as long as he's healthy that's all that should matter!' Ofcourse I know that's all that should matter but her saying that to me just made me feel worse. I had a bit of an emotional meltdown after she said that and I feel a little bit better now. Still not completely thrilled but I'm sure that will come in time. Congrats on ur baby girl Sonny. I absolutely loved shopping for my little girl before she was born, there's so much to choose from. I tried looking online at boys clothes earlier but I just shrugged everything off. Strangely, if I had been looking for my nephew I bet I would have seen loads but I just don't think I'm in the right frame of mind to be looking for my little one just yet x

 

[Tess08]

There's a whole section on gender disappointment, check it out! I'm sure you'll feel better! I think it's completely normal and you're certainly not alone!! You've got time and it will grow on you!! This is just a season!

Thanks passion. I tried to get into the gender disappointment forum but it came up saying it was a private forum and I'm not sure how to get access x

 

[pinkpassion]

I think you have to go in through your control panel and ask permission!! it's private to protect others feeling the way you are so that they don't receive harassment through this delicate time!! It'll get better!!

 

[pinkpassion]

Just had a look, go under control panel and click on group memberships and request to join there!!

 

[Symphony7]

I think more people feel like this than you think. I'd convinced myself this baby was a boy, in part because I so wanTed a girl. I was trying to lessen the blow because I knew I would have gender disappointment when they told me it was a boy. So I was shocked when it was in fact a girl. But I know with my next I want a boy and will be disappointed if it's a girl...we just build up the way we want our families in our heads I think. Nothing unnatural about that. But we will love our children no matter the gender, especially once they are here. Don't be so hard on youeself, it's natural and not uncommon.

 

[crazylilth1ng]

Posts like this always make me feel sad for little boys because in 90% of the cases people feel the disappointment upon learning they are having a son. I don't know is why but this is a real trigger for me.

However... It is believe it or not a very common thing you are feeling and you shouldn't feel bad. As much as these posts bother me, I understand completely as I have had gender anxiety myself. When I had my first I desperately wanted a girl, the thought of a son was just not something I wanted to consider. In fact, this is my 4th baby and it is the FIRST time I ever hoped for a boy. I have been extremely lucky as I have always got what I wanted. 3 girls then a boy.

The reason I never wanted a boy before is the fact that that until I met my oh, ALL the men in my life have been abusive/disrespectful to women and I have suffered badly at the hands of some of them. It wasn't until I finally started loving myself a little more and actually let a decent man in that I realised that not all men grow up to be horrible people, there are a lot of nice men out there. I just hope I can do my son justice and bring him up to be the sort of man his daddy is and not like the men that have treated me like nothing. It still scares me that I could potentially bring a bad man into this world but I am now looking forward to the challenge of bringing up a gentleman

 

[Savasanna]

Tess - Try not to be too hard on yourself. What you're feeling is TOTALLY normal and it does NOT mean you will love your son any less or won't be able to bond with him or any other terrible thought you may be telling yourself. Give yourself time. Allow yourself to feel the disappointment. Allow yourself to be sad about the things that won't be happening (whatever they may be). Once you have felt and are able to let these things go, you'll be able to see the things that WILL be instead of what won't be. Be patient, this will come with time. And I promise, once your little one is born and in your arms you won't be able to imagine it being any other way.

Thinking of you.

 

[saraaa]

I'm so worried this baby is going to be a boy, I've got my gender scan in a week and 5 days I'm so desperate for a girl so I know I'll cry if this is a boy as well :/
I'm just expecting them to say boy so I'm not shocked!

 

[wheelz23]

I just found out that we are having a little girl, and my husband and I both wanted a little boy so bad. Like you, I found myself feeling guilty for thinking that, but then I put it in a different perspective. If I was having a boy, I'd be sad I was missing out on the little girl things. I think when we find out a gender, it's a lot to take in. We imagine things looking one way, and if we focus too much one way, it can be a shock!! It's been a couple weeks since we found out it's a girl, and I would be sad if she were born a boy just because I can see us with a little girl now. Gender disappointment is real. Be happy the baby is healthy yes, but more importantly cut yourself some slack. It's OKAY to imagine life with a little girl and then it be a boy. I'm a firm believer in fate, and what's meant to be will be. Hang in there mama!

 

[Tess08]

Thank you so much everyone. You really don't know how much I needed to hear that it's okay to be thinking the things that I'm thinking. I haven't been able to speak about them out loud so even being able to write them here has felt like a massive weight off my shoulders. Sara, I tried to convince myself too that they were going to say boy in the hope that I wouldn't be disappointed but unfortunately as soon as it was confirmed to me, the feelings I'm having right now started sinking in anyway. Leading up to my scan I done all the gender prediction tests online and the Chinese gender thing, all of which predicted a girl which just made it harder so I definitely wouldn't recommend them lol. I think I need to remind myself that I only found out yesterday so in a a couple of weeks I'm sure I will see things differently. I'm just home from work so I think I'm going to let myself have a little cry (because I've held the tears in so far) and then hopefully I will be able to start moving on and like you say Sav, start looking forward to the things that I will have that I wouldn't have had if I never had a boy x

 

[Savasanna]

Once upon a time I heard someone describe the experience of finding out their child had down syndrome when they were pregnant. They said it was like if you were planning a huge, dream vacation to France, but when you get off the plane, you find yourself in Finland. At first, all it is is disappointing - all your brochures are for places in France; you've been dreaming about that Eiffel Tower photo for years and had done all the research on Notre Dame. All you can think about are the French markets and cheeses and Louvre.. And you wanted that dream vacation.

But, Finland is pretty awesome, too. Northern Lights! Ice hotels! ancient houses built on rolling green countryside. Who wouldn't love Finland? But how would you know that when you JUST got off the plane, expecting/planning/dreaming of France?

Anyway, I know it's a silly analogy but I really love the simplicity of it. I think about it ALL the time, especially when I'm feeling pressure to feel or react a certain way.

It's ok to feel how you're feeling. You are NOT a bad person. You just haven't learned enough about Finland yet.

 

[Tess08]

What an amazing way to think of it. That is honestly something I will remember forever. Thank you x

 

[Boozlebub]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way but it is so common. I felt similar with my daughter as I imagined having 2 boys and it took a while to sink in and accept but now she's here asleep in my arms a few weeks away from turning 1 and I couldn't imagine it any other way! You'll get there I promise!

(I can also confirm as a Brit who has lived in Finland for many years now, that Finland is truly awesome! )

 

[margeandmom]

Once upon a time I heard someone describe the experience of finding out their child had down syndrome when they were pregnant. They said it was like if you were planning a huge, dream vacation to France, but when you get off the plane, you find yourself in Finland. At first, all it is is disappointing - all your brochures are for places in France; you've been dreaming about that Eiffel Tower photo for years and had done all the research on Notre Dame. All you can think about are the French markets and cheeses and Louvre.. And you wanted that dream vacation.

But, Finland is pretty awesome, too. Northern Lights! Ice hotels! ancient houses built on rolling green countryside. Who wouldn't love Finland? But how would you know that when you JUST got off the plane, expecting/planning/dreaming of France?

Anyway, I know it's a silly analogy but I really love the simplicity of it. I think about it ALL the time, especially when I'm feeling pressure to feel or react a certain way.

It's ok to feel how you're feeling. You are NOT a bad person. You just haven't learned enough about Finland yet.

Excellent!! Thanks for this

 

[wheelz23]

Once upon a time I heard someone describe the experience of finding out their child had down syndrome when they were pregnant. They said it was like if you were planning a huge, dream vacation to France, but when you get off the plane, you find yourself in Finland. At first, all it is is disappointing - all your brochures are for places in France; you've been dreaming about that Eiffel Tower photo for years and had done all the research on Notre Dame. All you can think about are the French markets and cheeses and Louvre.. And you wanted that dream vacation.

But, Finland is pretty awesome, too. Northern Lights! Ice hotels! ancient houses built on rolling green countryside. Who wouldn't love Finland? But how would you know that when you JUST got off the plane, expecting/planning/dreaming of France?

Anyway, I know it's a silly analogy but I really love the simplicity of it. I think about it ALL the time, especially when I'm feeling pressure to feel or react a certain way.

It's ok to feel how you're feeling. You are NOT a bad person. You just haven't learned enough about Finland yet.

this is the best thing I think i've ever heard!!!!

 

[xdxxtx]

I was convinced that my first baby was a girl. I picked out a name, bonded with her, the works. Then, I found out at my scan that it's a boy! I burst into tears because I had bonded with this baby girl that I wouldn't be having. I feel like with me, it wasn't as much being disappointed with having a boy, it's that I really bonded with this daughter I swore I was having............. and then it wasn't having her. It took me a month or two to grieve the daughter I wasn't having before I fell in love with my son. I was so in love with him, as a fetus, as a baby, as a toddler,... He's now 5 and AMAZING! I'm so proud of him and NEVER resented him for not being a girl because I loved the baby he was at birth and never thought of that "dream daughter" again.

I know you'll grieve your baby girl that you dreamed of, and that's okay. Give yourself as much time as you need to let her go. After that, you'll fall absolutely in love with your future son, too. Just the way I did. And your son will be AMAZING, and you'll be proud of his every single accomplishment and all of his sweet snuggles and kisses and gifts for Mommy. Give it time.