Getting married in a church

[LoveCakes]

I'm with my atheist friend on this one, he refused to get married in a church as he didn't want his vows to be lies. If you don't believe in the ceremony and say things you have no intention of doing then it's more deceitful than disrespectful. You should mean every word of your vows. The same with christenings don't promise things you're not going to do.

 

[Becky61]

I got married in a Catholic Church, the same parish where I have grown up and gone to the school, I am a catholic and believe in the religion, both my children are baptised and go to the school linked to the church. However we don't go to church every Sunday but I believe in Catholicism would you say that makes me disrespectful? I don't think so you can practise religion anywhere it doesn't necessarily mean you have to go to church, family life is really busy and hard to fit in extra!

I definately dont think what you did is wrong. You believe in your religion, & have connections to it in your local parish. I dont believe you have to attend church all the time to have faith. But i think the original post was getting at people marrying in church who are completely non-religious, not only do they not attend church every sunday, but they also dont have faith any other day of the week. Please correct me if im wrong.

 

[kbwebb]

I asked df this, and we both agree it's just plain odd. We're both non religious and won't be married in a church and never even considered the idea. We both think it's disrespectful to the priest and anyone else who goes to church. You're lying in your vows etc. I know it's tradition but would people agree with someone non religious marrying In a mosque or a synagogue (sp?) just for nice photos? His mum christened him just for the sake of him being able to get married in a church and was outraged when we said we weren't christening our child because there was no point, she said that it's tradition and would be a nice family day out.. Riiiight..

 

[HBGirl]

Well, colour me disrespectful then. I did it because I like the ritual. I don't believe in an Abrahamic god but I do believe in a force. How a person chooses to be in contact with that force does not concern me. We married in a particular church because it was important to DH.

DD will be christened in that church because its important to DH. He is not religious either.

Guess we are just disrespectful because the ritual of it means something to us. *shrug*

 

[LoveCakes]

DD will be christened in that church because its important to DH. He is not religious either.

Guess we are just disrespectful because the ritual of it means something to us. *shrug*

I don't get how if you're not religious it means something to you when the ritual is about religion. Can you not connect with the force in another way? I'm not having a go just genuinely confused.

 

[cookette]

Well, colour me disrespectful then. I did it because I like the ritual. I don't believe in an Abrahamic god but I do believe in a force. How a person chooses to be in contact with that force does not concern me. We married in a particular church because it was important to DH.

DD will be christened in that church because its important to DH. He is not religious either.

Guess we are just disrespectful because the ritual of it means something to us. *shrug*

Im curious about this too. What makes it important to you if the original intent behind it does not? (Genuinely curious, no offense intended )

 

[Abigailly]

Well, colour me disrespectful then. I did it because I like the ritual. I don't believe in an Abrahamic god but I do believe in a force. How a person chooses to be in contact with that force does not concern me. We married in a particular church because it was important to DH.

DD will be christened in that church because its important to DH. He is not religious either.

Guess we are just disrespectful because the ritual of it means something to us. *shrug*

So you promised to raise your child under God yet you have no intention of doing so? See, to me that just sours the whole day. That whole day seems tarnished by the fact you were breaking a promise before you'd even made it. Maybe that's just me though, I like to be true to my word. I try to live honestly. Everyone is different.

in relation to OP - As my previous paragraph says. Why make a promise you have no intention of ever keeping. When I took my vows, we took them under God. I promised to Love God and allow him into my marriage. I would say it's verging on disrespectful, there are millions of people world wide who believe in that promise to Him. We believe that He's there looking over our marriage, why would you make that promise knowing you never had any intention of keeping it when others are working so hard at keeping it.

I wouldn't stand, as a teacher, and promise to try and do best by my pupils, knowing every other teacher in that school is working towards that promise, when I had no intention of doing so. It would be disrespectful to the other teachers.

Not to mention, does that not just start your marriage on a ground of broken promises and lies? Who wants that at the start of your life together?

However, I'd like to point out there's a HUGE difference between not being religious and not practicing said religion. Just because someone doesn't practice doesn't mean they don't believe in those underlying promises. It doesn't mean they don't believe in the God they are promising to. But to make a promise to someone you don't believe in... they're not vows. They're just a few copied words and really, your vows mean shit. You're meant to believe in every word said in your wedding ceremony. Whether it's to God, or promising to make cheese on toast every morning. Knowing you are going to spend every day trying to fulfill those words is what marriage is.

 

[Abigailly]

Wow! That didn't start as a rant. Sorry about that

 

[HBGirl]

I will promise no such thing. This has been discussed with the priest who will perform the christening. I will promise to teach her about ALL religions.

We had no hyms at our wedding and a very generic reading. I like the ritual because it is part of our culture. Just because I don't believe in the man made dogma does not mean I don't believe in the intent behind it. I also firmly believe that if there is a self aware god out there it feels tge same way.

The huge bonus is if you don't like it you did not have to come to my wedding.

 

[sethsmummy]

I will promise no such thing. This has been discussed with the priest who will perform the christening. I will promise to teach her about ALL religions.

We had no hyms at our wedding and a very generic reading. I like the ritual because it is part of our culture. Just because I don't believe in the man made dogma does not mean I don't believe in the intent behind it. I also firmly believe that if there is a self aware god out there it feels tge same way.

The huge bonus is if you don't like it you did not have to come to my wedding.

I am with you there 100% well done hun for sticking up for yourself!! I had myself and my son christened into the church of scotland... at the time we were attending a small church every single week NOT because i specifically believed in one god.. i do believe there is something there.. but NOT one set God like many religions set out... and infact my minister always said in each and every service.. she is not their to preach her ways.. or the ways of her God, as long as we believe there is something there she was 100% happy to have us in her congregation... because we were not just a church.. we were a FAMILY! When myself and my eldest were christened we were being welcomed into a loving extended family.. I did NOT promise to bring my son up with God in his life.. I promised to teach him of religion and guide him in his life to be understanding of religion!


I was also married in a church (oh shoot me down now).. and not once did i say any part of my vow including God.

[Groom’s name], do you take [Bride’s name] to be your wedded wife, to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to her, for as long as you both shall live?

{I do.}

[Bride’s name], do you take [Groom’s name] to be your wedded husband to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health and forsaking all others, be faithful only to him so long as you both shall live?

{I do.}

those were the vows we used... where in any of that would i be disrespecting anybody.. or lying? Yes our minister said "in the presence of God" because to him HIS GOD was watching over us. I chose the church because I went there with school, I used to sing there on special occasions with school, my parents had been blessed there, and quite simply it is an absolutely stunning building which had an important role in my childhood. Since i moved away from the area where the church i was christened was.. i have not been to church.. because i highly doubt i could find another one quite the same as the one i had attended. The minister asked when we met him why we wanted to get married in the church and I told him about my reasons (as stated above) and he said i was one of the truest people he had met in a long time and he would be happy to marry us in his church.. because i was honest and upfront with him.. the building meant something to me, to my family.

I wont apologise for getting married in a church to anybody. My vows were made to my husband.. not to anyone else... those vows are none the less true because we do not worship one God. Regardless of the location.. you are promising your life to your significant other... whether you choose a church or a civil ceremony (which may i add costs a hell of a lot more than a church). NOBODY has any right what so ever to make people feel their vows are worthless.. and to be quite honest its disgusting that people think they can!

 

[HBGirl]

I couldn't agree with you more!

And if someone on the internet feels that the vows I made were a lie, well I don't care.

 

[Pearls18]

No I don't find it disrespectful.

For one thing a lot of vicars are happy to have people in their churches, weddings are a form of income for them, for the service and donations, plus it's a way of getting people who wouldn't normally go to church together there, I have found the ceremonies I have been to to always been very understanding of the loss of faith in current society, they often use it as a platform to remind the congregation of the meaning of marriage sometimes not always with a big emphasis on God, I think vicars usually have a lot of good education to give on morals without the intention of trying to convert everyone. One service I went to last year was brilliant, he basically said I know you all don't believe in God but thank you for being here to support the couple, and went on to say how he thinks it's great how modern society is today with living together before marriage but reminded us of what not to forget (and after letting them kiss told them to make it Facebook official haha). Religion can often be a moral code, and sometimes people believe in that code not the God and I don't think it's wrong to want to bless your marriage with those ideals, even if you don't wholly believe.

I personally wanted our marriage to be blessed by God, I believe, I don't go to church regularly, I don't read the bible, I have a faith that I don't know how to channel but I know a marriage wouldn't have meant the same in a registry office for me. That said, my husband doesn't believe at all, when we married he was saying his vows to me, he promised to love me, he doesn't believe God is in our marriage and I respect that, just how he respects that I do, it doesn't mean his vows are lies and broken promises, he will have interpreted our ceremony differently than me.

Religion is up to interpretation, and I think so long as you are up front with the vicar with your beliefs then it is up to the 3 of you to decide what to do without the judgement of others.

 

[dgirllamius]

If we ever marry (which is unlikely) then we won't get married in a church simply because neither of us are religious at all and we feel that why should we get married in a church if we don't believe in it?

We also didn't get LO christened because of the same reason - we are in no way religious whatsoever. If LO decides she wants to do it when she's older then that's down to her.

Over here if you work you have to pay something called church tax. You can come out of it if you want but if you do you can't get married in a church. Somehow my OH got out of it and isn't paying for it so even if we wanted to we couldn't (unless he requested to pay for it but he doesn't want to).

 

[smileyfaces]

I dont think its disrespectful at all

Im not religious and wouldnt want to get married in church but would if my OH wanted to. Would I think i was being disrespectful to the church? Hell no!

 

[HBGirl]

Do you know what I find disrespectful? Telling people that their vows mean nothing.

 

[MrsPear]

I'm not religious and nor is my OH (neither of us believe in any God or any afterlife), but we got married in our local church.

We both have religious families (particularly OH as his dad is a hospital chaplain, his uncle is a vicar and he spent years in far flung islands in the Pacific Ocean as a child because his parents were missionaries) so to us even though we don't believe in God we have spent a lot of time in churches over the years and for us it is in our culture to mark a wedding at a church even if we don't believe. I spent hours in church as a child and I attended dozens and dozens of church weddings ringing the bells and singing in the choir. I absolutely do not believe in God but culturally I was brought up Christian and attended church and church groups at least 3 times a week year after year when I was growing up. As an adult I do not attend church and Joni will not be brought up as a church goes, but to me, getting married in a church was not disrespectful to the vicar just because I don't believe, it felt very natural.

I know it was also special for OH's dad and siblings because to them the prayers and so on were meaningful and I know that they were truly speaking to God for our future happiness and health, even though to me the prayers were just a moment of quiet reflection.

For us the other reason was that we wanted something very local and low-key. It wasn't a 'beautiful' church for the photos, it was the local multi-denomination church two streets away from our house within the same block of terraced streets that we lived at. They had never even done a wedding there before because it is so un-weddingy! The vicar was also the vicar for another local, more picturesque church, and that is where she was used to doing weddings. But for me it was perfect, because it was right near my home and that is where I take Joni to playgroup, I felt like I am 'part' of that church community even if I don't believe in God, so I didn't feel like an imposter attending.

The vicar never forced religion on us, we both know something about religion and Christianity because that is how we were brought up, so we were very comfortable chatting to her and it never really even came up whether we believe or not. She just welcomed us into her church.

We didn't get Joni christened because it is not something that is important for us. Instead, we invited our families over for a party just to celebrate her birth.

 

[Abigailly]

Do you know what I find disrespectful? Telling people that their vows mean nothing.

I said people who make a promise to God when they have no intention of ever keeping it are dishonoring the fundamental meaning of their vows.

If you go into the Priest, honestly, and say 'I'm not religious but we would like to incorporate the church and it's beliefs into our lives', then good for you. For standing up for what you believe in. And for allowing what you believe in to prevail.

The wedding part of my post had nothing to do with you. 3 weeks ago I was at a Wedding/baptism where they promised to raise their child under God, and promised to allow God into their marriage etc. It was a religious ceremony. Yet neither of them believed in God. Their entire ceremony was a sham. They stood there looking all solemn and interested, when actually they didn't believe a single thing that was being said at their OWN wedding. What kind of start is that to married life? Turns out it was all to get their child into the school they wanted

I don't see the point in it.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I can understand what the PP means. If you promise to God, but dont believebin God? Kind of undoes itself lol

 

[MrsPear]

Do you know what I find disrespectful? Telling people that their vows mean nothing.

I said people who make a promise to God when they have no intention of ever keeping it are dishonoring the fundamental meaning of their vows.

If you go into the Priest, honestly, and say 'I'm not religious but we would like to incorporate the church and it's beliefs into our lives', then good for you. For standing up for what you believe in. And for allowing what you believe in to prevail.

The wedding part of my post had nothing to do with you. 3 weeks ago I was at a Wedding/baptism where they promised to raise their child under God, and promised to allow God into their marriage etc. It was a religious ceremony. Yet neither of them believed in God. Their entire ceremony was a sham. They stood there looking all solemn and interested, when actually they didn't believe a single thing that was being said at their OWN wedding. What kind of start is that to married life? Turns out it was all to get their child into the school they wanted

I don't see the point in it.

I never mentioned to the vicar whether I believe in God or not. And she never asked, so she can't have been too worried about it.

She spoke about God during the service and I looked solemn and interested because it was my wedding ceremony and I was taking it seriously. It wasn't a sham, because aside from God, to me the sentiment felt very relevant. Our marriage is built on the family attending who shared it with us and continue to give us their support, and the local community church who married us and gave us their blessing and each other, and our child, and all the family and friends who came out for lunch the next day. When she talked about God bringing us strength over the years, I interpreted it more as all those people mentioned being a part of us and holding us up when we need it, and the two of us being married into a much bigger family who we will depend on and get support from over the years. That we do not actually believe in God does not mean there was no symbolism or meaning to us. We can still feel comforted and motivated by the messages of love and acceptance and sustenance that she spoke of in her sermon. We still believe in the importance of many of the same values as held by the Christian faith, so the mentions of God was not even a big deal for us even though we don't believe. To us that was the point of it.

 

[Lauraxamy]

Each to their own I say. As long as the people involved are happy then who cares