Goodbye tight vagina, hello adorable Isla!

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Third Trimester' started by FlatShoes, Jan 27, 2011.

  1. FlatShoes

    FlatShoes Well-Known Member

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    My yellow bump turned PINK :)

    I had my baby! Whoop!!

    Ok - Birth story.

    STOP NOW IF YOU ARE EASILY SCARED/OFFENDED. I have been known to be too honest!!!

    So I went to the MW for a sweep on Tuesday 18th @ 3pm.
    It actually wasn't too bad - agressive fingering, no worse than I've suffered at the hands of over-excited teenage virgins.

    Midwife said my cervix was only 1cm dialated and still fairly firm (fuck knows what this means) so I didn't think anything would happen.

    I went home and did a wank while nipple stimulating (worth a try and passes the time!) and then at about 11pm I started getting cramps.

    By midnight they were 'contractions' and every ten mins. I'd totally lulled myself into a false sense of security, even saying to OH 'Is this it?! Women are extra - its not bad at all'.

    PAH.

    By 6am they were coming every 3 mins and quite painful. Ring my dad to take us to hosp and by the time he gets there 10 mins later they are every minute!

    I'm convinced i'm going to give birth in the car and am now in a lot of pain. Get to the hosp to be examined and told i'm ONE FUCKING CM DIALTED.

    Resist the urge to yank my own cervix apart woth bare hands, return home.

    SIX MORE HOURS OF CONTRACTIONS EVERY MINUTE AND A HALF.

    Return to hosp to be told i'm now 4cm. Get gas and air, which is fucking amazing! I did puke but its like doing poppers - suddenly my rave days came flooding back and spent the next hour trying to find happy hardcore on the ipod and making OH take pictures of me with the tube of KY jelly I found hilarious.

    From 12pm when I got to hosp to 12 am when they said I was FINALLY 10cm I only had one shot of morphine (SHIT, made me feel tired and sick) and it seems liked the longest day of my life.

    At one point I pissed myself and then cried about my lack of dignity! hahah - whatever, later I would be shitting myself and braying like a sexually abused donkey.

    SO I was finally 10cm by midnight (yep, a full 24 hours since my contractions had started, no sleep) and ready to push!

    WOO HOO

    Stupid contractions decide to drop to one every 7 minutes - so I'm pushing then waiting while her head retracts back up my fanny tube or whatever its called.

    They put me on that drip thing to speed up my contractions but i'm so tired I can't push anymore. By 3am I've been pushing (to no avail) for 3 hours and the babies heart rate drops and she poos inside me (little madam!)

    They bring in DR SOLOMON! I hate/love him. I love him for delivering my baby safely, I hate him for being so inconsiderate of my poor vag!

    He pops one of those suctiosn cups on her head and waits for a contraction then literally WITH TWO HANDS ON THE LEAD LIKE HE'S ENTERING A FUCKING TUG OF WAR AGAINST HULK HOGAN, yanks her out!

    I didn't even ask if she was a boy or a girl I just wanted to know she was ok - hearing her cry was amazing! They checked her over and when she was fine passed her to me. Then Dr frikkin Solomon pulled the placenta out - totally hurt more than the baby. I called him a ****. OH laughed, baby looked at me shocked. hahah poor little ting, first words she hears from her mother!

    I tore a little and had 2 stitches which now (a week later) feel fine.

    I'm ABSOLUTELY in love with Isla and would totally do it all again!

    OH - DON'T LOOK AT IT. Within an hour of giving birth I was positioning myself in front of the en suite mirror to look at my poor vag - super size big mac srpings to mind - with a side order of kebab meat and chilli sauce!

    Don't do it to yourself - its nearly normal now and I wish i'd waited a week to look!!!!!

    xxxxxxx

    ps. A piccy of my gorgeous daughter - I know, I'm totally biased!
     

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  2. FlatShoes

    FlatShoes Well-Known Member

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    Sorry - that was totally too long!!! xx
     
  3. happybeany

    happybeany Well-Known Member

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    That was hilarious! I grinned the whole way through. She's gorgeous hun congratulations xx
     
  4. Leanne27

    Leanne27 Mum to Olivia & Isla & TTC no 3 with new partner.

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    Made me giggle....and she's gorgeous! congrats

    xxxxx
     
  5. SLS

    SLS Well-Known Member

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    Sorry - I belong in 1st trim but was having a nose and this is probably the funniest thing I have ever read ! They need you on one born every minute instead of the wet drips !
    Isla is very very beautiful ! congratulations !

    xxx
     
  6. Fabby

    Fabby mummy to my amazing boy x

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    she is gorgeous x
     
  7. Dan

    Dan Well-Known Member

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    Oh that made me smile A LOT. You poor thing, not smiling at your suffering, just swears make me giggle. HOW STUNNING is your little girl? Very!!!!!

    Congratulations. And thanks for making me cack myself even more than I was. Hahahaha, only joking. Kinda.

    xxx
     
  8. Mummy to be x

    Mummy to be x The 4 of us...♡

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    Haha! What a lovely little girl. Congratulations hun

    xx
     
  9. Savannah11

    Savannah11 Love my boys xxx

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    haha what a lovely story written in an interestingly detailed way! :haha:

    she's beautiful!!!
    x
     
  10. 323laura

    323laura Well-Known Member

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    your story made me laugh, i love the way you described things.

    congratulations on Isla, she's beautiful :D
     
  11. MeAndMyShadow

    MeAndMyShadow Mommy To Zachary And Sean

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    Your post made my whole morning...priceless!
    Congrats on your gorgeous daughter, well done you! xx
     
  12. someoldgirl

    someoldgirl Well-Known Member

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    That's possibly my fave birth story! She's gorgeous - well done you! x
     
  13. NicoleB

    NicoleB Mama Of Many & Lovin It

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    She is beautiful congrats!!! :) LOL you made me giggle thanks feeling shitty today so needed it ;)
     
  14. JShaw

    JShaw Well-Known Member

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    Congrat's on your gorgeous daughter! Your birth story was great!
     
  15. SPN1304

    SPN1304 new mummy to baby boy :-)

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    hahaha!

    Congrats on your baby girl and thanks for the vry frank birth story :thumbup: it made me laugh and I have been a grumpy cow today!
     
  16. Alegria

    Alegria Well-Known Member

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    Congratulations, she is gorgeous xx
     
  17. ThreePisces

    ThreePisces 3rd Trimester

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    Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl! Thanks for the laugh too; your story was great!
     
  18. aalstevenson

    aalstevenson Well-Known Member

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    Okay so the best birth story I have ever read!!! Love it. Congrats
     
  19. Lil_Apple

    Lil_Apple Mummy to 3 Beautiful Boys

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    Congrats hun she is gorgeous :thumbup: dont worry too much about your 'badly packed kebab' mine went back to relative normality within a few months...I think the midwife must have felt for me with a 9lber and put an extra stitch in!! :rofl:

    Congrats again...Going to miss your banter xx
     
  20. mrsjoer

    mrsjoer Well-Known Member

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    Omg that was hilarious!!!!

    Congratulations!!

    And yes, she's gorgeous :) xx
     

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