Gutted and confused (OH related - long read, sorry)

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - First Trimester' started by xxEMZxx, Jun 4, 2011.

  1. xxEMZxx

    xxEMZxx Guest

    I really don't know where to start... Before you all start judging I know it was wrong to snoop in the first place so I prob deserve this all but I don't want people telling me it's my fault... So anyone that may have something rude to say, please don't bother.

    So basically, and I know this isn't right by any means but I just had an incling and it wouldn't budge... My OH has took Liam to his parents this morning and his laptop was just sitting there. I don't know why but I had a bad feeling (I am quite insecure anyways) and lets just say we have had problems with trust before, so anyways I opened it up and looked at his internet history. I know I shouldn't have but he always makes out he has nothing to hide and in the past when I found out he was up to stuff (on numerouse occasions) behind my back he said I could look whenever I want to prove he isn't lying to me.

    So I looked. There were a few things that pissed me off quite badly. Firstly going through TONS of girls photos on Facebook (one is my friend and another is his best mates girlfriend who I know he fancies - she is a glamour model, the rest are people I don't know). This annoyed me but it was something I could get over as I'm sure I've looked at other guys pics enough times. Then as I scrolled down I saw her name. Her being a girl who he has history with and nearly broke us up last time, she was pretty much his best friend but he told me when he split up with me last time he found her attractive and would sleep with her if he had the chance. I later found out he sent her a valentine's card behind my back last year (when I was 6 months pregnant and supposedly with him). He said that it was as a friend... Yeah right... So, I had no choice but to give him an ultimatum. He kept saying he wouldn't chose but after Liam was born he promised to cut her off. I later found out he was texting her non stop but he said that was just an argument between them because he didn't want anything to do with her... Since then I've assumed they have not spoken to each other and he has promised me this.

    So back to today. It showed up he had been looking at her profile and had sent her a message. But when I clicked the message it had unsuprisingly been deleted. I don't know what to think, what could he have possibly being saying to her? (We don't live together either so I have no idea if he has been in contact with her all the time or whether he just felt the need to talk to her this week, I don't check his phone. I've checked his computer before but very rarely (needless to say everytime I do there is something he is hiding - last time he was paying for porn... Which I forgave). He has also put a lock thing on his facebook (where you have to put a computer name in before you can log in), no idea when he did this but I would imagine it was recently as I used to have one on mine and he said to me he didn't see the need for one on his. This worries me as I know his password (he knows mine too) and he says I can look whenever I want as he has nothing to hide. I never do anyways but now he has put a security setting on it it seems a bit strange doesn't it?

    Talking of porn, he had LOADS on another browser (he was obviously hiding this to look at it all on a browser he doesn't normally use.) Don't get me wrong I would not be bothered if it was a bit but there was tons of pages. Some from the website he used to pay for, which makes me think he might be paying again? That upsets me the , but it's mainly this message (or messages) to this girl that have upset me. I'm devestated. What is going on? Did he cheat, is he cheating, why is he in contact with her when he swore he wasn't? He will home at about 2 and I've no idea what to do. I don't want an arguement in front of Liam...

    I'm 9 weeks pregnant. He is the one who wanted to try, he seems really excited about it, he has been begging to move in with me so I don't know what to think. The amount of stress I had last time I was pregnant because of him was unbelievable and I thought we had sorted everything out but its like history is repeating itself. And last night we had an argument as he accused me of cheating on him and talking to people behind his back!! The cheek. I'm devestated and don't wanna be with him if I can't trust him because no matter how he tries to justify this I am never gonna believe him am I.... I feel sick right now, what have I done to deserve this? Or am I overeacting? I just wish I knew what he said to her and why...

    So sorry for going on I just needed to get this all out and any advice (if anyone has been thorugh anything similar) would be extremely helpful. Thanks. :hugs:
     
  2. Elakizim

    Elakizim Guest

    wow its a bit of a mess hun x i feel for u x

    well im insecure and like you i have a habit of scrolling the history, sometimes it has been deleted, which i put to back of my mind. however, i just could not be able to take the ex thing, slightly whiffy by the sounds of things, i would say hes hiding something if hes deleting messages, and my thoughts are, if he loves you and wants to be with you he really shouldnt be intouch with his ex if this has caused trouble in the past.

    as for looking at other girls that pisses me off to but guys will be guys, im pritty sure all of them like browsing at girls, which is shit i no.

    i really dont no what advice to give. if i was in this situation i would have to break it off, as my insecurities would just get worse and all the bad emotions arent good for baby or for liam because they sense it.

    i would say when he gets in grill him about it seriously you cant just ignore it, because maybe theres more to it.

    i hope youll be ok, were all here for you xx
     
  3. xsadiex

    xsadiex Well-Known Member

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    Poor you! I know snooping is probably wrong but I know I would have done so if I were in your situation. I don't really have any advice but try to keep calm and not argue and find out what's really going on.
    Wish you lots of luck, It's so crap that he's been doing this, especially when he wanted to try for another baby xxxxxx
     
  4. ashlee23

    ashlee23 Well-Known Member

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    My ex was exactly the same. Porn never bothered me, I think most men watch it but hiding the fact he was texting other girls did. Dont get me wrong I didnt mind if he had female friends, I have plenty of male friends, but if someone feels the need to hide what they are doing it tends to show they know its wrong. I think some men just feel they need the attention, some sort of ego boost.
    I am not saying this means he cheated, maybe he just knows you'd be upset, but then why do it at a time when ur hormones are all over the place?? I think if it were me I'd talk to him when he comes home, try to stay calm, explain how upset you are, especially with being pregnant, and ask him to show u what is on his facebook. I know this can be uncomfortable to ask and ppl should have a certain amount of privacy, but if there is nothing on there you can move on and simply apologise and ask him to tell u in future if there is any reason he feels he absolutely needs to talk to this girl.
    Hope everythings ok and you get it all sorted xxx :hugs:
     
  5. xdxxtx

    xdxxtx NTNP

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    Snooping is bad, but my spouse has hidden a lot of things that I've found by getting a bad feeling and doing a little snooping in result. The last time, he had been writing sex stories about people from his past, even referring to his ex wife who was a freaking psycho as his "girlfriend" to make the story sound hotter (since he "used to be" obsessed with her sister).

    This was RIGHT before we found out we were expecting.

    I still can't trust that he isn't doing anything behind my back. I hate when he goes off to work because I don't know what he's doing. (That's where the sex story incident happened.) It's not a way to live, and you two need to talk about trust, boundaries, and honesty and openness. Obviously, my OH and I need some counseling or something so we can truly build that trust and be a family for our future kid as well.
     
  6. xxEMZxx

    xxEMZxx Guest

    Thanks, I'm glad I'm not the only one who has done this.

    That's the problem though, he always promises he will not keep anything from me again and it was all a mistake blah blah blah but then he does something else. So I can never know truly what is going on, he must think I'm an idiot to keep forgiving him, either that or he is the stupid one for thinking I won't find out!! This is really not what I need right now :(
     
  7. bamabutterfly

    bamabutterfly Well-Known Member

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    First of all, do not feel guilty. When you have that gut feeling, you just "know". But as bad as I hate to say this, but what I've learned about these types of situations is that if you're worried, there's ALMOST ALWAYS a reason as to why. You love him, so you want it to work out, and you WANT to believe him. And it just sucks. You know what you need to do, but it hurts so badly, you can't help but tolerate what is going on just to hope for the best. With his repetitive behavior, I don't know that he will change, and I am so sorry you are going through this!!!!!! Especially being prego! I may be totally wrong, and I hope I am, but just as far as advice, I'm not sure this guy will change, and you deserve to be treated with tons of love, especially right now. Good luck!!!
     
  8. sailorgirl1

    sailorgirl1 Well-Known Member

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    I would be p off too! I do think pregnancy hormones make everything much worse mind you but you have found evidence of stuff you're not happy about. Either confront him now or buy your time and wait until you find something more concrete. The emails to the girl could be innocent but thats not the point- he shouldn't be emailing her put of respect for you. If it were my bloke I'd kick him out for a bit to see how sorry he really is!!
    Hope it works out ok xc
     
  9. BrittneyMom

    BrittneyMom Happy Mom of 2

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    I dont think you have anything to be ashamed of! If you are in a relationship with someone especially one with a rocky past you have every right to look, especially if you have a "bad feeling" about something. If I could tell my oh sent a ex a fb email but he deleted it I would know it was something HE felt bad about and ashamed of... otherwise why would he delete it!? If it was him telling her not to contact him again there is no shame in keeping that email! I think from what you've said that you desere better! Good luck hun!!
     

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