half siblings

[Scout]

Question for you ladies: If your child had a half sibling (same dad) and you knew that child was out there, would you want to be contacted by mom of that child?

Back story (will keep it short)...My dd's father has never met her (his choice). He has a child older than dd and one younger. He is not in those kids lives either, although he has at least met them. I know of them through FB. The mom of his youngest puts a lot out there and that's how I even learned of the older kid. I know she knows he has another child (mine) from what she has posted. She doesn't know me or my name. DD has started asking lots of questions and I'm answering age appropriately as they come up, and it's been suggested I contact this other woman so my dd can know her half sibs, and also so she can see that her dad leaving is not about her bc it did it to them too. Opinions? I jsut want to do what is best for dd in the long run. I should also mention that I have and appt with a child therapist on the 15th and will talk this thru with her too, but in the mean time I wanted to know what other women, especially if you've been in a similar situation, would do. thanks.

 

[bbbbbbb811]

I do think this is a particular hard situation because normally to see half siblings on the dads side, I’d assume they’d normally do it with the dad just like if you was to have anymore children they would see that sibling with you. Do you know if the half siblings mothers want theirvchildren to have a relationship with your DD? I grew up in a single mother family, and even thought biological father(I’ve never met my father) didn’t go on to have anymore children I’m not sure I would of wanted to see them anyway. I was very contented with the life I had, I never felt my dad left me(although I’m sure I asked questions) because it was always just my mom, so I didn’t know any different and I think it would of just made me feel confused. I think if your DD expresses an interest to see her half siblings, then obviously explore it with her but it may not live up to her expectations of what siblings should be like but they could become good friends.

 

[Scout]

Thanks for taking the time to comment. I'm not sure if the other mom would want to know dd or have her in the life of her child. I do know that she has made contact with the mom of the older child and they get together with the kids, but I'm not sure how that started. I may follow my gut and hold off on any kind of reaching out, and let dd do what she wants once she is old enough to make those kinds of decisions.

 

[DobbyForever]

How stable are the other mothers? Is it a situation where inviting them into your life would hurt or help?

I say you need to talk to them. I love my brothers with all my heart equally, and two of them are from a different dad. In many ways, I am even closer to them. I have two cousins that my manw* uncle fathered, and those girls love the everything out of each other. So if these women are sane, it’s not fair to keep the siblings apart/make that choice for her.

And DD sounds like she is at an age where she can communicate well. If the moms are ok, then ask her how she feels about meeting them. Imagine how angry your DD would be when she is an adult and finds out that she had two siblings that you hid from her? How hurt and betrayed and how sad that she missed out on an older and younger sib.

But without knowing the ins and outs it’s hard to give advice. I just think the choice she be hers not yours within reason.

 

[Scout]

The other moms seem stable to me. And the help/hurt is what I'm not sure about.

Not sure where you got the idea that I'd be hiding her sibs from her, only for her to find out as an adult?? DD is only 5. She's never asked about siblings. Her understanding is not there yet. I've always answered every question she's asked age appropriately, and would never hide anything from her.

I'm going to talk this thru with the child therapist. I've seen her a few times before so she has a good idea of the whole story which, I know, is more helpful when giving advice.

 

[DobbyForever]

Sorry, lost in text. I’m not saying you are hiding them. But when she grows up and let’s pretend you made the choice not to mention it to her for whatever reason, she may find out on her own and in her mind you have hidden them from her. Or maybe you wait until she is a teenager and then she may resent that she missed out having a childhood with them. Granted, every kid will have their own unique perspective and reaction but I’ve seen that reaction the most. Mostly because it is grieving a loss in a way and anger is that natural first stage. So that’s why I lean towards telling her sooner rather than later.

But I think the parents need to sit down and talk about expectations and reasonable hangouts and what people hope to get before bringing the kids in. Who knows. You could reach out to her and she say no.

It’s hard because dad isn’t involved. My uncle has it worked out with both moms that he gets both girls on the same days the majority of the time. It’s almost like working out custody and a visitation schedule.

Just play out all reactions and scenarios in your head. But for me, I figure I keep all bridges open until my son is old enough to decide on his own what he wants. If I knew he had a half sibling, I would have to meet the mom and get a feel for her and her relationship with my ex before I bring it up to DS. Only because there is domestic violence and restraining orders involved, so it’s a matter of our safety. But ultimately I would rely on what the psychologist says and what my friends say about half siblings and my gut.

I think talking it out with the psychologist is the best thing to do. A- they are a professional and have leaps of experience B- they know you and DD better than anybody on the internet C- they have strats to help you navigate whatever you decide.

I just want to stress that you said you want to do what’s best for your DD. The fact that you care means you will. The fact that you go to the child psychologist means you are. It may feel messy and gray and confusing, but you act with her in mind so you are doing right by her.

 

[Scout]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I would want to get t0 know them first before bringing in dd . My best friend grew up without ever knowing her dad, and then once she was in college her dad's sister found her and they got together. My friend said she never cared to meet her father and the only thing she wanted to know was if he had other kids. She is an only child (just like dd) and she longed for siblings. Unfortunately for her he didn't. That's what got me thinking about the half siblings of dd, even though she's never mentioned it. I still have a few things to get in order before I'd consider reaching out to them, but I do agree with you about doing things earlier in life rather than waiting.

 

[DobbyForever]

Yeah. The cool thing now is it’s so easy to connect with lost family (for better or worse) with all these DNA ancestry kits lol. That’s too bad she didn’t get the siblings she had hoped for. Definitely update us because I’d love to hear what the psychologist says. I tried to set something up but they told me DS is too young for now. I just don’t want to mess things up lol

 

[ClairAye]

I have my ex's first two children and I know he has another child. From my perspective personally I'd be thrilled if the other child's mother reached out to me. My ex isn't involved either and I hate the thought of my kids having a sibling out there that they have no idea about. People always tell me there is nothing to lose, either she agrees and the kids get to know each other or she doesn't and things stay as they are. Good luck!

 

[JessdueJan]

I would want them to be in touch. I would meet the mother mum's first and discuss how it would work etc and go from there xx